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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DBro new gf at my wedding

66 replies

IcouldifIwantedto · 21/09/2011 20:07

I'm getting married in a month.

My DBro (38yrs) has a new girlfriend (she is 39) - they have been together about 5 mnths now. We live at completely opposite ends of the country.

He has asked if - by the time of the wedding - she is a 'significant other' could she come?

She has never met any of our family. And wedding itself is a relative good size (about 75 people)

I'm in two minds. Adding her in would not be a real hassle at all and if he was just a guest I don't think i would be having this problem.
But he is 'giving me away' and being part of 'wedding party' as we have no dad. So he has 'things to do on day'.
Also would worry that she would not know anyone at all.

So is it unreasonable to say no she cant or unreasonable to say yes she can come?

OP posts:

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 21/09/2011 21:13

Of course she should be there. You may even like her once you get to know her!

Original poster

IcouldifIwantedto · 21/09/2011 21:16

Dozer I supose ages because he is just (about 7mnths) out of relationship that lasted about 10yrs.

I suppose diddl he is being cautious about the relationship.

Also guess it is the fact that it is not just extending invite to her, but only doing so if DBro decides and she may want an invite or not and don't know the 'cut off' for her being a significant other.

She wont be meeting our mother anytime soon (she is not invited to wedding)

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 21/09/2011 21:17

Oh I feel a little sorry for your brother. Does he have to be glued to you all day and night?

Is he on duty for the entire time or will he be allowed to sit, have a bit to eat, a drink and chat? And what a lovely way to meet the family for her.

She could be lovely. And even if a nightmare - it will be entertainment

poppingkoalas · 21/09/2011 21:29

You are not being a bridezilla and guessing as no parents will be there your DBro will basically be only wedding party person on your side? So maybe a bit different than just a DBro going as a guest. If dad or mum bought (know this doesn't apply to you OP) a new partner to your wedding most people would be up in arms and in this wedding your DBro is basically being those persons

and you have said it yourself - 'don't know the 'cut off' for her being a significant other.'
Your DBro hasn't asked if invite could be extended to her now (presuming invites sent out before she was a gf/on the scene. And at 75 people guessing you know everyone going - does anyone have a +1? if) But said could you extend invite to her if he thinks in a month this is a definate long term thing.
It does't sound like in principle you have a problem with her there, but maybe say to DBro that you need to know if he has decide or not. Or you extend invite to her now and if she and DBro decide in a month they are not in a place that she could come (and herself feels comfortable) she doesn't either way you have a chair for her.

MrsBloomingTroll · 21/09/2011 21:32

Definitely invite her.

But make sure you get some family photos without her in, just in case....maybe give her a digital camera and ask her to stand next to your photographer and take some photos for you (for you to look at on honeymoon before the official ones are ready). Also gives her something useful to do, keeps her busy whilst your brother is busy with his duties.

Reason I am urging caution with having her in the photos is because my SIL dragged her then-boyfriend into all the family photos. Not just at the sides, but in the middle, next to us.

They then had an acrimonious break-up and all mention of him was banned. Can't display our family or group photos in our own house now because he's in all of them and SIL would (majorly) get the hump with us, in spite of now being happily married to someone else. She's good at getting the hump with people over pretty much anything.

motherinferior · 21/09/2011 21:45

Or, of course, alternatively she could not be in the pics (I didn't want to be in them) and 11 years later it could look a bit weird. Or of course some other couple could have split up.

KittyFane · 22/09/2011 09:53

Mrsbloomintroll- take your photo to a photographer for some photoshopping... Get him deleted from them IOW!

northerngirl41 · 22/09/2011 10:17

Frankly I was this girlfriend several years ago - I knew no one except my boyfriend, I had met the bride once before the wedding when she was in her rollers with the hairdresser and we were dropping off something at the house on the morning of the wedding, my boyfriend was doing a reading and organising people and running around. I did get abandoned a couple of times with various family/friends who I'd been hastily introduced to, which was a bit awkward but no more so than it would normally be meeting random people at a wedding.

I do remember ducking out of the major photos so that if we split up, I wouldn't be a constant reminder in them. But in actual fact, this marriage lasted just 6 months and we ended up getting married ourselves shortly after that, and are still married 8 years later....

Now firstly why on earth would this girl agree to this plan unless she was already somewhat significant in his life? Secondly, it's a wedding, it's only one day and it means very little in the grand scheme of being married for the rest of your life. Why do you care if your brother brings another person along when most likely you'll be too busy to spend much time with him at all? Let him bring her.

itisnearlysummer · 22/09/2011 10:20

Yes she should be invited.

2rebecca · 22/09/2011 10:34

To me a new girlfriend is one you have had under a month. 5-6 months is serious girlfriend and I would have invited her already. Inviting her would be more important to me than inviting aunts and cousins etc. The fact that you don't know her is irrelevent, she's the most important person in your brother's life who you do know.
Her not knowing anyone except your brother is her problem, she can accept if she thinks she will find it easy to chat to people on her table (usually easy at weddings as most people are friendly), or decline if she thinks she'd find it stressful. That's her problem though not yours, I'd just seat her near some friendly folk if there is a seating plan and she does come.

aldiwhore · 22/09/2011 10:51

Invite her, if they are serious its actualy a lovely way to get to know the family! If your bro is busy, then his gf will have to make a little effort to talk to people, and if your family is nice, they won't see her on her own.

Invite her. She can decide whether to come or not.

Invite her on your hen night too, though she probably won't come to that given the distance, but you're being open and friendly and acknowledging her.

Why not ?

Is there an opportunity to meet up casually before you get hitched? Not that it matters, it would just make things a little easier for you and her.

Oooh! Hope she's lovely!! (Sorry I like 'new' people)

AKMD · 22/09/2011 11:03

I think your reason for not inviting her i.e. she won't know anyone and your DB will be too busy to look after her, is pretty nice but I still think she should be given the option.

SnakeOnCrack · 22/09/2011 11:40

Yes invite her! I don't see any reason why not!

squeakytoy · 22/09/2011 11:44

in my wedding snaps there is the gf of the best man, who turned out to be an absolute nightmare from hell

are you me AF??

the GF of the best man in question at mine, was my stepsons GF.. she came dressed up in a silky long dress and a little tiara... sulking because she hadnt been asked to be a bridesmaid..

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 22/09/2011 11:49

You def need to invite her...........it's up to her whether she feels comfortable enough to accept!

Cocoflower · 22/09/2011 11:51

Yes let her come 100%!You don't want a bad feeling between you and db and your day for a start...

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