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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DBro new gf at my wedding

66 replies

IcouldifIwantedto · 21/09/2011 20:07

I'm getting married in a month.

My DBro (38yrs) has a new girlfriend (she is 39) - they have been together about 5 mnths now. We live at completely opposite ends of the country.

He has asked if - by the time of the wedding - she is a 'significant other' could she come?

She has never met any of our family. And wedding itself is a relative good size (about 75 people)

I'm in two minds. Adding her in would not be a real hassle at all and if he was just a guest I don't think i would be having this problem.
But he is 'giving me away' and being part of 'wedding party' as we have no dad. So he has 'things to do on day'.
Also would worry that she would not know anyone at all.

So is it unreasonable to say no she cant or unreasonable to say yes she can come?

OP posts:

KittyFane · 21/09/2011 20:29

:( Dawn :(

SheCutOffTheirTails · 21/09/2011 20:31

Are you really considering refusing your darling brother, who means so much to you that you want him to stand in for your Dad on your wedding day, a perfectly reasonable request that he bring someone who matters to him to a family event?

Really?

Of course you say yes. He is your brother (not, say, your staff, who is there just to do your bidding).

The effort he will be making to make this day special for you is exactly why you should happily agree to let him bring his (not even that new) girlfriend.

RueyBoey · 21/09/2011 20:31

Is it that fact that you don't know her making you think twice?

Also it isn't like you are the one wondering if you should phone her up and extend invite to her, your DBro has asked if she can come - that isn't like you inviting her. Does she want to come?

I would see if it is possible to meet her before or maybe if she can meet your Mum before (even if it is 2 days before for a cup of tea so you know she is not crazy) That would probably make you feel better (esp if DBro has things to do, knowing she knows others)

Otherwise extend invite to her.

SpeedyGonzalez · 21/09/2011 20:33

FGS just invite her. I'm sure she's grown up enough to deal with sitting on her own for a bit while your bro attends to hid duties.

Hope you have a brilliant day!

chocolatchaud · 21/09/2011 20:36

I would certainly invite her.

We didn't invite one of our usher's girlfriends as they were a fairly new couple - they are now married and godparents to 2 of our children.

I still when I think how mean we must have looked.

LunaticIsOnTheGrass · 21/09/2011 20:36

Definitely invite her.

It would be very rude not to.

ShoutyHamster · 21/09/2011 20:37

He's doing all this for your special day and you won't even deign to let him bring a guest to accompany him like most of the others? That's pretty horrid.

If you think that her being there would mean that he'd neglect his wedding duties, then talk to him about it and iron that out. Also if you think you'd worry about her being abandoned because he's with the family and she can't really be part of that, and it'd change the atmosphere a bit - that's more understandable, but that can certainly be sorted with some goodwill, wine, friendly faces on the day and maybe a visit or two before the wedding!

But to refuse to extend an invite is not only mean, but unwise in the extreme - watch out, this could be your SIL one day... Start as you mean to go on and treat as you would be treated!

diddl · 21/09/2011 20:39

If adding her in wouldn´t be a problem then I would let them decide.

"He has asked if - by the time of the wedding - she is a 'significant other' could she come?"-what does that mean?

LoveInAColdClimate · 21/09/2011 20:39

You really ought to invite her.

pictish · 21/09/2011 20:41

Um....I think you should invite her, yes.

Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 20:43

I was very flattered when my husband was best man at a friend of his' wedding, and the friend sat me with his (the groom's) family as he knew I didn't know anyone there and he trusted them to be welcoming to me.

I really don't think it is a big deal to have her at your wedding. Be welcoming - it might be that you will never meet her again, or it might be that the next wedding you all go to is for your brother and her. Either way - does it really hurt you to include her?

LoveInAColdClimate · 21/09/2011 20:51

The only thing I would say is that maybe make sure she's not in all the pictures in case they split up (cynic )...

saintmerryweather · 21/09/2011 20:54

Yes you should invite her. My ex bf took me to his cousins wedding when we'd been together about 5 or 6 months, and I had a lovely time. His extended family were all very welcoming (I'd met his mum and dad twice before and his bro and SIL once) and although they were busy with weddingy stuff, I was allowed to sit on the family table and on the front aisle during the ceremony (although this did make me feel a little bit uncomfortable!) Maybe mention to your family that your DBro is bringing his gf and ask them to look out for her a little bit if you think your family might accidentally exclude her.

missnevermind · 21/09/2011 20:55

I was not invited to DHs brothers wedding as his wife to be said we had not been together long enough.

I was at MILs house helping her with lunch the day he bought her home to introduce to the family. (So we had been together longer than they had)

They have met our eldest two once or twice but have never met our youngest two.

saintmerryweather · 21/09/2011 20:57

Ooh loveinacoldclimate thats a very good point.....have your DBro explain to her that some of the pictures will be family only and then invite her into others - make it clear to her (without being rude) when its family picture time and when she can be included

Dozer · 21/09/2011 20:58

Why are their ages given, what's the relevance?

Tbh, even if he'd met her 6 weeks ago rather than 6months she should be welcome at the wedding, surely if anyone is allowed a plus-one it's dbro?

Touch of the Bridezilla?

Almacks · 21/09/2011 20:58

YANBU to have a few collywobbles, but seriously, inviting her is the right thing to do. Your brother will be sad without her - no one to dance with etc, but no chance of pulling either. And you will be really sad if she ends up being your sil and you didn't let her come.

Also, wrt to your bros tasks, you might find she helps to keep him on track with them! At a wedding where my DH was a best man recently the bride thanked me for all my help. I had no jobs, but I was checking DH's list with him regularly!

I would do what others have suggested and meet her first, though. Just in case she's awful but mainly so that you are in more chilled circumstances than your wedding day!

pamelat · 21/09/2011 20:59

course she should come be a nice opportunity for her to meet everyone.

worraliberty · 21/09/2011 21:00

Invite her

She'll know that he'll be busy giving you away, so if she decides to accept that's up to her.

motherinferior · 21/09/2011 21:02

My then boyfriend took me, without thinking twice, to the wedding of his cousin (who was a bit of an 'extra brother' to him) when we'd been together a year, I was six months pregnant, and I'd never met anyone else there before.

We are still together 11 years later, with two children.

ChippingIn · 21/09/2011 21:04

Of course you should invite her. It would be incredibly rude not to - she's your brothers girlfriend.

He's a big boy - I'm sure he can manage to run around after you do all his 'tasks'.

Sit her with someone you know will talk to her & be nice.

pamelat · 21/09/2011 21:04

My now SIL was then my brothers new girlfriend at a family wedding (not mine) and she wasnt invited, until the last minute when they said she could go if they paid (!!) They paid and we had a lovely time, but v poor form to make her/them pay. We laugh about it now (not the ones who made her pay!)

Triggles · 21/09/2011 21:10

She should be invited. This could be your future SIL. Do you really want to start off family relations with her behaving this way (which is rather petty)? Or would you rather welcome her by being friendly, helping to introduce her around to family members a bit on the day, show her she's welcome as she is your DB's girlfriend?

If there is a family dinner or get together or something the night before the wedding, you could make sure DB & girlfriend are invited, and give him the opportunity to introduce her then, so that she will at least be familiar with a few family members at the wedding.

slavetofilofax · 21/09/2011 21:11

Definately invite her!

But there's nothing wrong with telling your brother that you still expect him to be around to help, and you could always get one of your good friends who isn't directly involved to keep an eye on her so she can go over and talk to her if she ends up standing alone at all.

It would be nice to meet her beforehand if you still have time and it's at all possible.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 21:13

in my wedding snaps there is the gf of the best man, who turned out to be an absolute nightmare from hell

oh how we laugh when we look at them

OP, this is what weddings are all about

invite the woman and don't be such a bloody 'zilla

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