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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect this boy to apologise to DD

43 replies

Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 09:31

On friday night DD was whacked by a friend of DS. He used his folded up scooter as a weapon and left a big bruise on her forearm. They were all playing in the park and my babysitter was in charge so she just brought my DCs home. I phoned the parents, who I know well and told them about it. On mon morning spoke with the Dad and he told me how his DS (aged 8) felt under siege, that there are two sides to the story etc. All the kids were playing a game throwing seeds at eachother and at the time this happened 3 boys were playing against my DD.

As far as I'm concerned this child crossed the 'don't hit' line and needs to see the damage he did to DD and say sorry to her.

OP posts:
AKMD · 20/09/2011 09:35

YANBU, using a scooter to hit someone with is not acceptable unless you are being mugged. However, the dad is probably right and maybe an apology from your DD is also needed for something less serious. Children do get over-excited when it comes to rough play and I'm not surprised this boy feels under siege.

slavetofilofax · 20/09/2011 09:36

I think you are being a bit over the top phoning and then going to talk to the dad about it.

He is right, there are two sides to every story. Did you ask about this boys side of it? It could have been an accident, your dd could have been goading him. You will probably say that your babysitter was there and knows what happened, but I would have said it was the babysitters responsibility to encourage an apology at the time it happened if one wasn't forthcoming.

Sorry, but by dragging this out all over the weekend, yabu, and very precious. I'm not surprised this boy feels 'under seige'. It's only a bruise ffs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2011 09:38

There are always two sides (at least) to a story. Children aren't always reliable historians and from my experience, miss bits out. I think that playing can quickly get out of hand too and what seems like a good idea at the time can often result in a bump or bruise.

Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 09:40

He doesn't feel under siege now, he (apparently) felt under siege when he whacked her. He's bigger than DD and could have broken her arm - it's a big bruise and she doesn't bruise easily.

I still feel he crossed a line. My inclination is to tell my kids not to play with him anymore, but we usually get on quite well with the family so I'm trying to avoid that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 09:41

Of course there are two sides but surely it is not okay to use a folded up metal scooter to whack someone?

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 20/09/2011 09:41

How old is your dd?

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 09:42

If your DD was being cared for by a babysitter, why wasn't the babysitter aware of what what going on? You've spoken to the father there's not much more you can do. I would want to know why the baby sitter who was supposed to be in charge didn't stop the rough play or wasn't able to tell you what happened.

Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 09:42

slavetofilofax good question Grin
she is 10 but a fair bit smaller than the 8 year old

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 09:44

The babysitter really is not to blame here - the kids were playing a game they often play charging around the park together and throwing seed pods. It isn't a particularly rough game. She just left when it happened which I think was wise. The other child had been left there without supervision.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 20/09/2011 09:46

When they say they were throwing 'seeds', I would assume they were throwing conkers actually at this time of year. If that's the case (and ok it might not be) your babysitter really shouldn't have allowed it.

In fact, she probably shouldn't have allowed the situation to escalate the way that it did anyway.

slavetofilofax · 20/09/2011 09:47

Of course it's not ok to use a scooter to hit someone.

Why did the boy feel under siege at the time. If he did feel like that, then there may have been good reason. 8 year olds don't always act in the best way when they feel ganged up on.

He needs to know that what he did was wrong, and his parents probably told him that if you usually get on well with them.

I just think that the apology should have come at the time, and you shouldn't be pushing it. It's not up to you to deal with the boy, it's up to you to deal with your dd. You have every right to say to her that she should have had an apology and that if she ever does anything like that then she needs to apologise. But you will be making the situation worse by dragging it out.

Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 09:48

It wasn't conkers it was the seeds from London plane trees which are conker size but soft and collapse into lots of little fluffy seeds if you squeeze them

OP posts:
pictish · 20/09/2011 09:55

I agree. You weren't there and didn't see what your dd did to warrant the bash she received.
Of course it is wrong to hit someone with a scooter, but the lad involved is 8, not an adult, and for all you know, he has never hit anyone with a scooter before, and may never do so again. Maybe your dd was being really really aggravating?

Because you didn't see the incident, you cannot demand apologies.

My son got into bother with a local parent when he was 8 for roughly pushing a girl a year younger than him into a fence. Her dad was furious.
However, the girl kept slapping my ds over and over despite him telling her to get lost several times. She persisted and got lobbed into a fence.

I made ds apologise for the sake of good relations, but to this day he has never forgiven this lass for allowing her father to give him a bollocking, knowing she provoked what she got.

You didn't see....and it's not up to you to decide that he needs to apologise.

pictish · 20/09/2011 09:57

Maybe this lad IS a horrible little shit....but you can't decide either way.
What does your son have to say of the incident?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2011 09:57

Are we all googling 'London plane trees' now to see what these dastardly seeds are like? Grin

No, OP, he shouldn't have hit her with his scooter, or pushed or shoved her with it. No bones broken but as Worra says, an experienced person minding DCs - or anybody with any knowledge of children at all - would have kept a weather eye on the playing to keep it within bounds.

MangoMonster · 20/09/2011 09:58

I agree the apology should have come at the time, encouraged by the baby sitter. He's only 8, dragging this out isn't going to help anyone. Give him another chance.

MrsVoltar · 20/09/2011 09:59

YANBU to want an apology, I agree, hitting with a folded up scooter is too much, if it was my DS I would make him apologise.

But, if an apology is not forthcoming then you need to leave it & also let your DD make up her mind whether she wants to be in his company again.

If it (or something similar) happens again, I would try to limit or stop contact.

I'm aware that my DS, although being (i hope) generally a 'nice' boy 'could' do something like this in the heat of the moment during rough play and if I wasn't present and another parent told me, I would make him apologise.

Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 09:59

There are other witnesses who are very clear that she did not touch him at all. However 'aggravating' she was being she did not deserve to be hit with a scooter ffs.

He does have a violent temper - he regularly upsets his classmates. That is partly why I think he needs to start taking responsibility for his behaviour.

And to be clear I have not spoken to him directly about it at all.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/09/2011 10:01

Ah well, that puts a different spin on things. You didn't say previously that he has rep for this sort of behaviour.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2011 10:01

If he has 'form', OP... then why were your children playing with him? Confused

Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 10:02

I suppose I am applying my own standards. DD has recently been unkind to a girl in her class and I have insisted she apologise. I think it's important to start taking responsibility for the consequences of your behaviour however upset or whatever the cause.

The dastardly seeds are named 'bing bombs' by the kids, who love them Grin

OP posts:
Miette · 20/09/2011 10:03

What was your dd doing before she was hit and why did the lad feel under siege?

Original poster
Toomanyworriedsonhere · 20/09/2011 10:04

DS has only 8 boys in his class and it's a small school so friendship opportunities are limited. I feel quite sorry for this boy - I've been in the park before when he's completely lost his temper and smashed up everyones game in the sandpit and then been unable to calm down. All the kids were crying. Even though he was the 'villain' I ended up giving him a hug to try and calm him down. He was unsupervised then, too.

In fairness the Dad says he blames himself for leaving him unsupervised.

OP posts:
NeedaCostume · 20/09/2011 10:06

Of course it is wrong to hit someone with a scooter and he should have apologised. At the time. If your babysitter failed to deal with this at the time, then I would let it lie. If you make an issue of it you'll just cause bad feeling with the other family. Just be careful about who they play with from now on.

NeedaCostume · 20/09/2011 10:08

He seems a bit young to be out unsupervised. What was the Dad's excuse?