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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have ranted at my date this evening about his behaviour and to now be totally confused?

71 replies

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 09:53

or am i just insane?

Been talking to a man, last i heard from him was on wednesday when he said ' monday ( today, and the date we had arranged) was going to be awesome'

Didnt hear any more from him at all, so, because ive booked a babysitter, thought i had better check if it was still on ( he has been on the dating site).

I text him a ' hows your weekend been' type message sunday lunchtime.
No reply.
at 9:30pm, having had no reply for 9 hours, and wanting to cancel the babysitter if it wasnt needed anymore i text ' so, ive not heard from you and am presuming that tomorrow is cancelled?'
No reply.

This morning, being very fucked off and i dont usually do this, but ive had a stream of dates either not show or cancel at the last momment recently, i text ' you know, its a bit fucking rude to just cancel without saying so, especially when i organised a babysitter to see you' ( he has children too and we have clashing weekends...

so - firstly, aibu to send that?

secondly, he replied quite quickly that he was confused because he hadnt cancelled.

i said that i had sent him two texts and if he hadnt got them, i was sorry...

and ive heard nothing back at all.

I now have no clue whats going on and am wondering if i have become some kind of unhinged woman or something.

OP posts:

PrivateBenjamin · 19/09/2011 11:48

Complete agree with elizadoeslittle

He was pulling back, but didn't want to seem like the bad guy, so has turned it around on you, making out like you are unreasonable. He's a twat.

Well done you for pulling him up and telling him he was being ignorant.

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/09/2011 12:57

I'd give him ONE more chance. But let him make all the running - and if there is a sniff of pissing you about, or lack of communication, dump his arse and move on.

Very occasionally... there is a valid reason for being a cock. But, once chance only.

Blu · 19/09/2011 13:05

I am astounded that you assumed he had cancelled, and sent a text swearing at him because you didn't get a reply. Maybe he was in hospital with his ill mother, maybe his phone had been nicked, maybe he (like me) doesn't text like a mad thing over non-urgent messages.

Next time be really clear and direct about your messages, for e.g 'looking forward t Monday and just checking that all arrangements still in place as I have to confirm my babysitter - can you confirm today, please?'.

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 13:20

blu - previously he had been texting alot, and replying quickly.

And i do feel, that really i shouldnt have to chase up and confirm details on a date, that he asked me out on. surely he should be doing that?

Ive given him one more chance and we have rearranged for tomorrow evening.
( benefit of the doubt once)

if i get any sense he is pissing me about then i shall dump him
( incidentally, he is replying no trouble now.. and said my texts appeared about an hour ago)

OP posts:

Ephiny · 19/09/2011 13:29

It does sound a bit strange that you'd assume the date was cancelled , I don't really understand that . I don't always have my mobile with me or turned on, or reply to messages immediately if it's a non-urgent matter. I certainly wouldn't have interpreted 'how's your weekend been' as 'Please confirm that we're still meeting up on Monday', it seems really bizarre that you'd expect him to!

Sounds like text messages are a bit of an unreliable way for you to communicate and leads to these misunderstandings and you sitting there waiting for replies and not knowing what's going on. Maybe in future it would be a good idea to just have a chat on the phone and sort out all the arrangements!

Moominsarescary · 19/09/2011 13:44

Let us know how you get on

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/09/2011 15:01

I had a horrible day once where I assumed that this had happened to me, and I got the right arse about it - talked myself into all kinds of paranoia... and there were network difficulties on the day, as I realised when I got loads of replies all at once some hours later. It can happen...

SunRaysthruClouds · 19/09/2011 15:22

OP - "when did men ( who are over 30 and should no better) get so shit?"

when women (or anyone else for that matter) decided that thinking communicating by text was as good as talking on the phone

empirestateofmind · 19/09/2011 15:37

Texts and e-mails are open to misinterpretation, and you don't know if they have been received.

Nothing beats actually talking on the phone.

Shutupanddrive · 19/09/2011 17:49

Have you got a delivery report on your phone? It is possible he didn't receive your texts until days later. This does sometimes happen, I don't know why.

northernrock · 19/09/2011 18:08

Aaah, I just twigged that this was a first date, so, yes, YA kind of BU.
You don't actually know this man, and so all arangments should be made in a kind of emotion-free, business like way, and if online dating you should meet as soon as humanly possible, to avoid building something up in your own head, that doesn't, in actual fact, exist.

It's so easy to feel you have a real connection with someone who you have been emailing and texting a lot, but if you ain't seen the whites of their eyes, you don't.

I had a similar thing with someone who I had actually dated a few times-he would call me when he was first into me, but later, when he was basically trying to get out of it, would only text, which led to it fizzling out.

Now I say to prospective dates: here is my number. If you want to communicate with me-Call me!

Now move on

heleninahandcart · 19/09/2011 18:19

Texts do not get lost. They may be delayed but they do not go off into space.

Why people claim they have not received them, I really don't know.

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 20:51

I haven't attached any emotional significance, we are meeting quickly ( 10 days) I was/ am just annoyed becuase when you go to the trouble of organising a babysitter ( and I had to ask several people to get one ) then your date cancels at the last min, or worse, just doesn't show, well, its embarassing.

In 3 years online dating ive only had one phone call before a date..after you have met, yeah... But talking to someone you haven't met can be odd.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 19/09/2011 21:02

IMO good on you for giving it another try. All sorts of things can happen, I for one am crap with my phone. You have nothing to lose.

northernrock · 19/09/2011 21:15

I get it Carrot, I really do. I would be pissed off too, but it still stands that you didn't actually know him. FWIW the guy who dicked me about ended it by kinda sorta forgetting to confirm a date, by which time I had had a baby sitter, bikini wax, a haircut and all my make up on when I had to actually call him and say "is this still on or what?"

I still think that the telephone is preferable to a text. Texts are for Boy-Men who can't really be bothered with a real live woman.

cecilyparsley · 19/09/2011 21:20

I agree that talking on the phone before you meet someone isnt always helpful, ime leads to forming an impression which is nothing like the actual person.

Sometimes it has lulled me into a false sense of security so that the actual meeting is an even worse shock

KeeponTrucking · 19/09/2011 21:25

I'm impressed with him-after your third text I'd have run a mile.

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 21:34

Why?

I haven't done anything other than call him.on it. ( still don't believe for a second he didn't get them)

Men seem to do this all the time, and unless you have done to you lots of times I guess its easy to think I'm derranged.

Northern rock, yeah. Been there too. Which I think is why I have a ' no messing me about ' approach now.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 19/09/2011 21:54

I often don't look at my phone for 24 hours, so in such a situation I wouldn't have seen the texts.

ImperialBlether · 19/09/2011 22:54

Why would you meet someone when you hadn't heard their voice? What would happen when you met if it was really high and squeaky? Or if he sounded like your dad?

ImperialBlether · 19/09/2011 22:55

The voice is a good indicator of age, too - I'd put money on him not giving the right age, same as so many men online.

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