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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have ranted at my date this evening about his behaviour and to now be totally confused?

71 replies

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 09:53

or am i just insane?

Been talking to a man, last i heard from him was on wednesday when he said ' monday ( today, and the date we had arranged) was going to be awesome'

Didnt hear any more from him at all, so, because ive booked a babysitter, thought i had better check if it was still on ( he has been on the dating site).

I text him a ' hows your weekend been' type message sunday lunchtime.
No reply.
at 9:30pm, having had no reply for 9 hours, and wanting to cancel the babysitter if it wasnt needed anymore i text ' so, ive not heard from you and am presuming that tomorrow is cancelled?'
No reply.

This morning, being very fucked off and i dont usually do this, but ive had a stream of dates either not show or cancel at the last momment recently, i text ' you know, its a bit fucking rude to just cancel without saying so, especially when i organised a babysitter to see you' ( he has children too and we have clashing weekends...

so - firstly, aibu to send that?

secondly, he replied quite quickly that he was confused because he hadnt cancelled.

i said that i had sent him two texts and if he hadnt got them, i was sorry...

and ive heard nothing back at all.

I now have no clue whats going on and am wondering if i have become some kind of unhinged woman or something.

OP posts:

SnakeOnCrack · 19/09/2011 10:36

Why bother if he can't reply to a text? NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!

patsnowy · 19/09/2011 10:39

Problem is many guys dont think this is unreasonable behaviour. Sorry to be so stereotryped but women do think ahead better, plan for the babysitter etc. he's just being a guy.

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 10:41

yeah - i progressed from 'good weekend' to the presumed it was cancelled.
becuase i had heard nothing for 9 hours.
previously all texts had been replied to within a few seconds. a minute tops, when when he was at work, or out, or with his kids.

So - not not hear anything from him at all in 4 days... when previusly he was texting daily, to then have no reply for 9 hours on top of that, well, that sends a pretty clear message i think.

yeah. i shall not go. I shall try and reorganise something with someone else...
or just go and buy chocolates and stuff my face in front of shit on tv.

( i know its not me, but constant rejection does get to you after a while)

OP posts:

cecilyparsley · 19/09/2011 10:41

Carrotcruncher, you say you've not spoken on the phone, am I right in thinking that the first date would have been the first time you'd met him?

I'm always very reluctant to put myself out much for the initial 'interview' when it comes to online dating, I usually make it a daytime coffee and say I'm only free for half an hour...most of 'em are lemons and not worth the trouble of babysitters etc etc

ObiWan · 19/09/2011 10:44

Gah. It has become apparent to me that I am rubbish with 'people' advice.

The instant replies to messages would have put me off more than the 4 day break .

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 10:44

yeah - it was a first date.

I usually dont put myself out either and try to stick with a day time something, or at least when im childfree.

However, our childfree weekends clashed.. and from all the texting it seemed like we would really get on.

clearly i had overlooked the fact he is a idiot.

OP posts:

cecilyparsley · 19/09/2011 10:45

patsnowy 'many guys dont think this is unreasonable behaviour' they do it because women let them get away with it, behaving as if they have the upper hand when actually the reverse should be the case.

Men need women more than vice versa, principle of least interest and all that. Girls need to wise up

aldiwhore · 19/09/2011 10:48

I'm not sure what the etiquette is for online dating but I have my standards of politeness and wouldn't budge. He hasn't replied to two texts, knowing you have a babysitter, and that's plain rude.

I'm not sure what the rules are on dating, if you line them up and are not exclusive til you fall in love with one of them or what. But manners cost nowt, and anyone worth seeing on a date or anything else would reply to a text. If they don't, they're not keen enough!

YANBU.

Not a great start is it? Before your first date he's hard work, imagine if you actually did fall for him and had a relationship? shudder

cecilyparsley · 19/09/2011 10:48

he he , well you live & learn, I've learned the hard way plenty times!

Whatmeworry · 19/09/2011 10:50

See it from his pov:

Last week - arrange date for Monday

Sunday midday - "hows your weekend been"

Sunday evening - "So, ive not heard from you and am presuming that tomorrow is cancelled?"

Now let us assume the clearly unthinkable OP, that he was out yesterday and busy. He picks up his phone Monday am and reads those two posts.

I think if I'd organised something and then got texts like that I'd go "WTF, is this person nuts" and send back text saying something like "I'm confused, I haven't cancelled". Probably also start to get worried that they were a bit of a loon.

Let us assume the next impossible things OP, that (i) he may not be as intimately concerned with your babysitting logistics as you are and (ii) he is actually busy at work this morning. If you haven't heard by about midday, then he is either running a mile/ a cad and bastard etc.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 19/09/2011 10:57

If it's this hard before you even meet then he ain't worth it. Move on.

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 10:58

so - he replied with ' i would really like to meet up still, only problem is ive been given a manic day and dont know when ill be back'

ive just said ok, lets leave it then.

i shall not contact him again, if he wants to rearrange, he can ask.

OP posts:

cecilyparsley · 19/09/2011 11:07

he's stringing you along, I'd just ignore him, who does he think he is ffs!

maxybrown · 19/09/2011 11:07

yeah sounds like he's backing down anyway! But was before he sent that message as someone who previously replied straight away wouldn't then just not.

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 11:18

he said when am i free next. Do i give me a chance and put it down to crossed wires?

or just think sod it?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/09/2011 11:20

Some people will keep giving others chances when they know they are being dicked around

are you one of those people ?

ladyintheradiator · 19/09/2011 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwingingBetty · 19/09/2011 11:27

you are unreasonable to attempt a relationship with anyone who uses the word Awesome

shudders

aldiwhore · 19/09/2011 11:27

I think the issue is that if you don't like the idea of a man who doesn't respond to your texts in a certain time frame because it rattles you, then there's no point in persuing it. If you can put it down to cross wires and even apologise for getting arsey with him, persue it.

He's not done anything WRONG really, but if its the sort of thing that will bug you, cross him off the list.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 19/09/2011 11:28

He's stringing you along for a time when he doesn't have a better offer.

My SIL is a vereren at internet dating sites. Apart from the babysitter (she has no children) she could be writing your posts.

Lots of texts, all seems well, arrange to meet, sudden silence, lots of confusion, some annoyance, man blames SIL for misunderstanding and work/kids/ex/sick dog/sudden visit from aged parent for inability to meet up, asks when SIL is next free, some texts, possibly one date at this point but not guaranteed, few texts, sudden silence, change of his screen name on dating site, confused/angry/weepy SIL, no further contact.

Don't do it. Cut your losses now, he's wasting your time.

pigletmania · 19/09/2011 11:28

Cancel him and move on

Original poster

carrottcruncher · 19/09/2011 11:32

takethisonehereforastart - yep, thats pretty much how it goes. Have also been doing this a while.

when did men ( who are over 30 and should no better) get so shit?

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 19/09/2011 11:38

you are unreasonable to attempt a relationship with anyone who uses the word Awesome

Absolutely true - that seals it :)

cecilyparsley · 19/09/2011 11:39

Understand why you felt pissed off and sent the ranty text carrotcruncher, but that does put you at a disadvantage, it shows that you are 'bothered' and can have buttons that can be pushed.

But if I understand correctly he made a definite date for monday/today, but is now telling you he has a very busy day and cant guarantee that he'll be free?

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 19/09/2011 11:43

YABU for communicating only by text and not asking direct questions. If he's not making arrangements in a timely and respectful way though then he's a waste of effort, so YANBU for ranting at him and then dumping

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