To not make contact with ex-friend who I've heard has been Sectioned?

[lechatnoir]

I've recently heard that a girl I was good friends with for c. 20 years has been Sectioned and it's all sounding pretty hopeless . We initially drifted apart about 6 or 7 years ago as we were leading such different lives (she was already struggling) but I severed contact altogether about 5 years ago when her behaviour became so erratic I just didn't feel comfortable having her in my life generally but especially since I'd had children.

I'm well aware that I probably abandoned her just when she needed me most, but there were many many 'incidents' before I took this decision & on hearing reports of her since, I firmly believe I made the right decision for my family and stand by that decision.

AIBU for not getting in contact with her since hearing the news? Of course I do worry about her & think of her often but don't want to suggest I'm resurrecting our friendship when, if I'm totally honest, I can't deal with her in my life right now. I wondered about sending a note to her parents to tell them I'm thinking of her, but that just sounded like a copy out, So AIBU & should I make contact or should I stay out of her life unless I can be a proper friend?

LCN

Well, in that case, I think it'd be a good thing to send the card. You probably can't support your friend, but you can maybe send them some good wishes that they'd appreciate - it won't be easy for them.

When dh1 was going spectacularly tonto he was confused, sometimes violent, & clever enough to conceal his illness a lot of the time. He tended just to come across as a nasty drunken wanker who ranted a lot, in a wordy & authoritative, menacing manner. Lots of my friends were intimidated by him & because I didn't leave him (I should've done...) they dropped me.

I don't blame them at all, tbh, but equally I remember the people who offered me kind words (from a safe distance!) & didn't just disappear, & it meant a lot.

Real friends don't bugger off when you're ill. Would you have done this if your friend had a physical illness?

Ah, I see she has only recently been sectioned - so before you wouldn't have known she was ill.

It's a sore point for me as I have family who started avoiding me after I had to go into a psychiatric ward for a while because of my bipolar episodes. I'm so much better now and have found a way to stay well but I never hear from them any more.

Having said that I know how difficult it is to be around a person who is mentally ill. Your life simply does not fit into normal routines and consequently everyone around you feels unsettled as a result.

I'm sorry to hear that electra. Part of me also thinks that if they haven't stuck by you, they're not worth having as friends. Though I know some people's behaviour can be very trying before they have been diagnosed. It's difficult isn't it, becaus a lot of the issues here are about having neither the full picture nor the full understanding on any side.

If you have had no contact in the past 6-7 years then why would you contact her now? All it will do is either draw you into a friendship that you admit you cannot support right now, or make her and you feel awful when it is questioned the reasons behind your sudden contact.

You are a fair weather friend, to be honest - rightly or wrongly.

You did walk away when she needed you most, even if you had your reasons so I think you should leave her with the people who care about her.

Sorry, I appreciate this sounds harsher than I intended it to. I am sure her behaviour was hard to deal with and you had your own family etc to think of.

I am not really sure what this thread is about - this person is not your friend. Are you feeling guilty and want someone to tell you it is ok? Not having a go but I just don't understand what your issue is here.

You did walk away when she needed you most, this may be right or wrong but it is done now. I think you feel bad but making contact will not change anything for her so stay away.

Stay away. Let sleeping dogs lie.

For those saying the OP is a fairweather friend, I do think that is extremely hard. Supporting a friend with mental illness of the type that leads to sectioning is not like supporting a friend with a physical illness or even a disease like alcoholism.

It sounds like your (former) friend is in dire straits but an old friend popping up from nowhere, a person with family, husband, job, responsibilities who certainly has limited time (and possibly limited patience) is not going to be able to do a lot to really help her.

I feel the need to say though that there is a misconception that people with certain mental health problems are more likely to be violent than those who don't and that is not necessarily true.

There is the same incidence of physical assaults on others by people with schizophrenia and people with anorexia but schizophrenia is much more stigmatised and people are more afraid of it. Unfortunately when something happens like that poor woman who was killed in Tenerife it causes people to think that type of behaviour is common in those who have mental health problems. It isn't - most of the time people are sectioned for their own safety.

I should think the last thing she or her family need at this time is a 'thinking of you' message from a friend who dropped her that long ago.

They don't need you now, perhaps she/they needed you back then, but you had your reasons for cutting contact with her then, which is fair enough.

I would just stay out of it now. The only person who'll feel better if you make contact is you.

cumbria81 - a rather harsh post with a somewhat snidey tone don't you think? You can't possibly know what went on and what pressure was put on the OP and her life so you denouncing her as a 'fair weather friend' who legged it when her unwell friend 'needed her most' is just pish. It's pish because you don't know shit about what form that 'need' took and it's pish because you've clearly never had to make a choice of that nature or you'd be more understanding. HTH

You can't have a friendship which is based just on your terms, regardless f what the other friend is going through. That is not a friendship.

What do the parents gain by receiving a card from you? Nothing. It is just a card that means nothing as you are not willing to be her friend.

I understand ,why you stepped back and fell that you should maintain the distance. No contact is best for you, your family, and the friend.

You stopped being her friend, you dont want to reestablish that friendship.

As others have said, why would you want to send a card just to remind them that you don't want to be her friend?

You are thinking about her but not in any positive way so stay away IMHO.

Just leave it. You cant be everything to everyone. Dont need to feel guilty. There'll be other people in you sphere of influence whos lives you can be part of and contribute to positively. She'll get the care and help she needs. Its nice that you are thinking of her.

A brain tumour makes people behave erratically. Would you abandon a friend who had one? As the close relative of someone who has been sectioned in the past I have seen the devastation that comes with mental illness.
It is an illness - but unlike pretty much every other type of illness - the greatest damage is the shame that is (quite unnecessarily) felt both by receiving the diagnosis and the realisation that your behaviour has been entirely inappropriate.
I'm not sure you can call yourself a friend as you haven't been in touch for so long. But, as someone who has supported someone else who has been mentally ill, I can both understand how draining it is to do so and how much it is valued by the person who is ill.
What I think you - and everyone else who is urging you to abandon friends who are mentally ill - need to think very hard about is that mental illness can strike any of us at any time. How would you feel if all your friends deserted you in your time of need?
Yes, it is draining to support someone who is mentally ill. But it is also draining to support someone whose illness takes any other form. Most people, however, do not abandon them.
I am going now. I am horrified by this post and many of the replies to it. But I am also reassured that there are sane, sensible and genuinely caring people out there who agree with me!

Tbh faffaround I'm horrified by what seems to be your assumption that the effects of mental illness are uniform. They are not. By the way - sane and sensible = caring? Really? I think this bashing of the OP and adding to her already considerable guilt is utterly pointless and says a lot about the pious pointy mouthed attitudes of those making such absurd utterances.

if some one was continually treating me or my family badly, continually phoning me up in the middle of the night/ turning up unannounced off their face and was being self destructive but i had to stay in the friendship because the person had mental health problem. it would be no kind of friendship would it?
as the op said she was friends with her for years so the term fair weather friend is hardly applicable, friendships are about give and take regardless of the needs of the person's problems within them, if it becomes all take then resentment builds.
i have had friends like this who have had no such excuse as mental health problems and have had to stop seeing them for my own well being, there is no check list on how to be friends with someone who has mental health problems. i am sure you all think you would have handled it wonderfully, the op was friends with this person for as long as she felt she was able and then had to stop.
op i dont think you should feel guilt, though i understand why you would. i also probably wouldnt contact her, but if you wanted to her family, they would prob appreciate a kind note as they prob understand better than most the difficulties in maintaining a relationship.

Well it sounds like you had deep feelings for her in the past. But she is no longer your friend and I think getting in touch would just give her hope of a friendship again - which is unfair and not what she needs just now, since that isn't what you intend.

Not all friendships last a lifetime. We would like to think they do, but they don't. Maybe it was time to split up the friendship irrespective of her mental health issues if you were both different people and going in different directions.

I hope your ex friend gets better and who knows, maybe if she gets the treatment and help she needs you can resume your friendship one day - but not on the basis of old times or feeling sorry for her - but on the basis of common interests and things you like doing together now.

Do NOT CONTACT HER. OR HER PARENTS

When I was very poorly (mental health) I was so upset by the thought of others talking about me.

If my parents received a card from someone who had fallen out with them and I was sectioned I would be insulted and bloody fuming. It is very patronising and the last thing anyone wants is a pity party.

Do NOT CONTACT HER. OR HER PARENTS

When I was very poorly (mental health) I was so upset by the thought of others talking about me.

If my parents received a card from someone who had fallen out with them and I was sectioned I would be insulted and bloody fuming. It is very patronising and the last thing anyone wants is a pity party.

OP- YANBU. Voice of experience, that's all all I'm saying. You're getting a hard time on here, but YANBU.

I posted a simple don't earlier, but just want to second Dracula's mum about how people can feel about thoughts without actions, regardless of intent.

I'm supporting a friend with often unbearable metal health problems, and have listened to her literally screaming in fury for hours 24/7, at and about those who understandably got out when they knew they had to, but who now insist on wanting her to know they think of her, from a safe distance.

She can't understand why they do it, and writes her own terrible and painful scripts and tortures herself and others with them.

To her they've abandoned her needs but won't let go, and are now scoffing at her with the power their 'abandonment' holds over her. I doubt that at any time in the future she will recognise them as fallible humans, who meant well enough, just torturers who came back to sneer.

It isn't just your ex friend who's unlikely to benefit, and may suffer, but those who've stayed to support as best they can, and may be often be hanging on by a thread for the same reasons you couldn't. Don't risk rocking peoples boats in a storm.

PS, I don't see you as a fair weather friend and think the fact you asked on here rather than just acting, says lots.