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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think an untidy, but clean house does NOT equate to child neglect?

69 replies

hidingfornow · 16/09/2011 23:56

Sorry, I've name changed for this.

I see DM about 3 times a year. Once a year is in their immaculately kept, spacious house, with no storage problems, no kids toys, hardly any books, etc.

The other 2 times is in my cramped, 2 bedroomed terrace, which has barely enough room for my furniture, let alone storage for DS's many toys, nor all the books I've obtained over the years while studying a literature course and having a deep love for books.

Today, DM turns up. There's a box of scrap paper and crayons by the fireplace which DS uses for drawing, arts, that kind of stuff. I've never found anywhere to store it, where it doesn't get in the way of something else. There's a few books on the mantelplace, just from that being closer to me when I was reading earlier. Oh, and a few wires. The house is far from being a tip. It's not spotless, it's not immaculate, but it's not a tip.

DF comments saying "I thought you said it was tidy", then laughs as he arrives. The first fucking thing he says to me.Straight away, DM starts launches into a rant, telling me that DS could be taken off me for neglect if social services came round, as my house wasn't tidy enough. Again, I accept my house isn't spotless, but it's tidy enough, given the lack of storage options here.

The thing is, she criticises every time she sees me. If it's not that my hair's too long, it's that I'm studying too much, or DS is getting too cheeky, or she doesn't like the curtains I've got up, or that I've not tidied up to her standard... Even that I bought the chocolate biscuits DF doesn't like on occassion.

AIBU to want her to stop criticising? And AIBU to think an untidy house does not equate to child neglect?

OP posts:
JellicleCat · 17/09/2011 15:38

I too came from a very tidy household, and am not best known for my housekeeping standards. I used to spend hours cleaning before my Mum came to visit, but she still usually managed to find something to criticise. I learnt to say "Sorry, it's a bit of a mess I haven't had a chance to clean" (even though I had) when she arrived. Worked every time!

As far as I'm concerned as long as the kitchen and bathroom are clean who cares if you don't hoover every week 3 times a day. And books are lovely, I have books eveywhere. I always feel uneasy in houses where I can see no books at all (though I do realise that you can live a fulfilling, moral life without books, personally I could not exist without them).

birdsofshoreandsea · 17/09/2011 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 15:54

I misread it-I thought it was saying it was child neglect because it was immaculate! Ignore her completely.
As long as it is clean and not a health hazard you are fine.
A house should be a home-not a show house.

MrsDaffodill · 17/09/2011 18:47

Mrswifty - I am sure the midwife that visited me post-birth inspected both the bathroom and the kitchen. It was just the way she made this big thing of where to wash her hands/pour her own water, that you knew it was on a checklist. And that was this century, not back in the mists of time...

OP, some people can't help themseleves but criticise. I once took a one hour bus journey to help a friend's unmarried aunt recover from surgery. She told me off for how I hung up sheets on her line. There are two appropriate ways, apparently, and I chose neither. Funnily enough, I never did find a convenient time to get on that bus again. She had pots of dosh, and I figured she's have to pay her way out of trouble if that were her attitude!

SardineQueen · 17/09/2011 19:02

"Mrswifty - I am sure the midwife that visited me post-birth inspected both the bathroom and the kitchen. It was just the way she made this big thing of where to wash her hands/pour her own water, that you knew it was on a checklist. And that was this century, not back in the mists of time..."

Thinking about it, that happened here as well.

Pixel · 17/09/2011 19:08

So all that rushing round with a hoover and duster and chucking stuff into cupboards for an hour before the HV came was a waste of effort? Plus I must have looked a right state, with my face all red and my hair covered in cobwebs, wonder what she thought of that? Grin

saintlyjimjams · 17/09/2011 22:57

Well we had a SS assessment (disabled child) and my scruffy, undtidy house was described in the report as 'child-centric' Grin . I rather liked that!

thecaptaincrocfamily · 18/09/2011 20:32

A colleague of mine went to a house on 2 occasions and everything looked fine, she didn't go anywhere except the living room and all the other doors were closed....... turns out the rest of the house was squalid Sad. When the NN went to look at the ds for a 2 year review the house was piled high with dirty nappies and bin bags, the child had his dinner in the bath because it was the only clean place to eat Sad. I would worry either way - show house or squalid. By no toys I mean literally no toys at all downstairs when there is a toddler. I would probably ask if there was a playroom though and wouldn't assume anything Smile

thecaptaincrocfamily · 18/09/2011 20:34

Pixel I specifically tell antenatal ladies that I have no interest in how their house is presented after they have the baby. My concern is for the health of the family Smile. I have thought of showing them a photo of my own untidy house lol!

LoveInAColdClimate · 18/09/2011 20:40

Oh my gosh, my midwife asked if she could wash her hands and get a glass of water when she did my booking in. Is this a secret test, then?

Tewkespeggy · 18/09/2011 20:46

your mum has ber opionion, based on the r'ruls and regulations' that were around when she was childrearing. for instance at one time all the academics in the world insisted the world was flat. we know now that they are wrong. accepted childrearing wisdom now is that muck and mess arnt that limiting to a child given freedom to express themselves.

let her have her opionion..... it just doesnt apply any more.

Vicky2011 · 18/09/2011 20:49

Yup the HV checking the kitchen / bathroom thing happened to me too, very much this century - I think she insisted on making herself a cup to tea as I had "quite enough to do" but the principle was the same.

DrCoconut · 18/09/2011 20:59

My mum warned me that midwives/HV always need the loo/glass of water/wash their hands and it is to check your cleanliness. I said that I was struggling with housework after DS2 (not a lie he was a difficult birth) and she helped me with cleaning, we have differing standards too. The kitchen and bathroom never were inspected but they were shiny! We used to have the emergency cupboard, a big walk in type under the stairs, when I was little. If we had short notice of a visitor we had to put all out of place objects in the cupboard quickly then sort them after! I kinda still do that but rarely sort them after. Instead the cupboard gets a blitz every 6 months or so. Most of it goes, after all we hardly need it if it has been out of action for so long!

kunahero · 18/09/2011 21:03

Is your DS happy, healthy and content? if the answer is yes then you have zilch to stress about. My house is far from perfect but my 3yr old DD is the happiest child you could meet. Its more important to give your child a good childhood rather than a spotless show house. Too many people think that their houses have to be bleached to within an inch of its exsistance. I am sure this is not good for children. I'm not saying let your dog crap on the cartpet, dont hoover for 17 years, leave the washing up for 4 months etc but some things are more important than show houses.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 18/09/2011 21:03

TBH it is good practice to wash your hands between babies you see anyway, but it is useful to see other rooms of the house. Not to be critical but more to see if someone is coping ok or whether they need more support Smile

DurhamDurham · 18/09/2011 21:07

My two girls are teenagers but even when they were small I had a clean and tidy house. I played with them just as much as my friends did with their children. We painted, made play-doh and baked together on a regular basis. I did the tidying up and cleaning when they went to bed and just kept on top of things during the day. I hate it when I people assume children are neglected/ignored just because a house is clean and tidy. I think tpeople say it to make themsleves feel better about their own squalor.

Indaba · 18/09/2011 21:16

agree with much that has been said but surprised at the comments on her re lack of photos around the house......surely thats just personal taste.......or did I miss the memo that said if you don't have loads of photos of your kids then you are an unfit mother?!

genuinely interested!

nicciaa · 18/09/2011 21:29

Your mum would hate my house lol, I have a 5 year old Autistic daughter, and my house has NEVER been tidy, its clean yes, but tidy??? naaaa lol You walk into my livingroom, and the first thing you see is a mountain of toys in the corner, you can then follow the trail of toys and you will eventually find DD at the end of it, or under it, depending if shes built a castle or not lol Theres not a room in the house that doesn't have evidence of a 5 year old, even her 22 year old brother has summat or other of hers in his room. And you can't move it, cause she knows exactly where it is, and if she goes to find it, and its not there, its meltdown time lol I have always said, as long as a house is clean, it can be as untidy as it wants.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 18/09/2011 22:39

I've been on a guilt trip lol so have cleaned the living room windows that were covered in artwork greasey finger marks from my lovely dds Grin

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