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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to look after this little boy tomorrow?

75 replies

maledetta · 16/09/2011 20:48

I feel like a total cow right now. Basically, my friend has a(male) housemate. Said housemate is separated and has a son.Last week we had a very rare evening out- three of us, all single mums, left our children asleep at her house, with the housemate babysitting- for about 3 hours. He had to be coaxed to babysit, and only agreed to do so when my friend promised- without asking us- that we would babysit his son- in the daytime- once each.

I felt I had to go along with this, but didn't think it fair. So I just hoped the whole thing would just get quietly forgotten.

Unfortunately, the man in question has now found himself caring for his son most of the time (the boy's mum is having some problems). He texted me earlier asking me to look after him all day tomorrow.

Well, I have not been feeling too great mentally. Anxiety, depression, insomnia. Struggling to hold it together. Things have been pretty stressful lately, and I was looking forward to a quiet day pottering around w/ DS tomorrow. DS is 18 months and his son is 7- a lovely boy, but I thought- "God, there goes my peace when DS has his nap, we'll have to get out of the house and Do Some Activities- I don't even know what to do with older kids!"

So I'm afraid I lied and said I'm ill. I would have loved to help this bloke out, but I just don't feel I have any spare capacity. AIBU?

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 16/09/2011 22:12

Not really, Bats. He doesn't have to be HER friend just because she knows him.

I refer to my husband's work colleagues AS my husband's work colleagues, not as my friends. Even the ones who we occasionally socialise with and whose children I have looked after for the day when they were stuck for childcare.

But even if she doesn't PERSONALLY know the housemate, it is not the same as grabbing some stranger off the street to babysit. The friend arranged childcare with someone she trusted - it is NOT the same as "dumping" your kids on a "stranger".

zipzap · 16/09/2011 22:14

I think that asking at such short notice he couldn't expect you to say yes - if you did then great but if not then it would have been enough to say 'sorry too short notice, it's not possible. And then arrange something that is mutually convenient. And if he tries to demand a day as you friend organised you could try saying that you're happy to reciprocate but your friend didn't realise that you wouldn't be able to do xyz but you're happy to do abc instead.

BatsUpMeNightie · 16/09/2011 22:14

Well I just can't agree with that Oakmaiden. I'd have to know someone pretty damned personally to leave my child with them and the merest hint of reluctance of their part would be a deal breaker for me. So hmmmm - but I do see it as a bit of 'dumping on a stranger' - how was it not that?

Oakmaiden · 16/09/2011 22:22

Well, since the OP knows the housemate's son well enough to describe him as a "lovely boy" I would imagine they must have met?

And as for having to "know someone pretty darned personally to leave my child with them" - again, I leave my children with all sorts of people I don;t know "pretty darned personally". Their teachers, the woman who does Beavers, childminders, paid babysitters. I don't know any of these people personally - I rely on the fact there is a piece of paper saying they are suitable to look after my child. In the same way I would trust a friend vouching for their housemate as a suitable person.

festi · 16/09/2011 22:24

I dont think its clear from Op wether or not he was a stranger.

although I think I agree with others who say it was pretty shitty to dump your kid on this guy with out a second thought or give a shit about him at the time, seems like he too has alot on his plate and was probably not feeling upto looking after your child, but you just went out and left anyway. thats pretty shitty I think.

Now you are going to pull all stops to get out of your end of the bargain, shame you were not so forth coming with this at the time or was your priority to just go out? pretty dam selfish in my opinion.

However this guy probably wont reciprocate your behaviour and just turn up and dump his son on you with out accepting a "NO"

ExpensivePants · 16/09/2011 22:24

I agree with the housemate bit, it's all a bit vague, leaving your young child eith doe bloke who shares a house with a friend. 18 months old fgs. And I wouldn't hire a babysitter I don't know either.

Backinthebox · 16/09/2011 22:32

You needed a babysitter and the babysitter declared that the price was you babysat in return. And now you don't want to pay that price? That's fairly poor behaviour. If you didn't want to be lumbered with his child, maybe you shouldn't have lumbered him with yours, after all he didn't sound thrilled to be made to babysit.

BibiBlocksberg · 16/09/2011 22:36

Well, i for one don't think you're being unreasonable OP. For one, you've been pressed into an agreement made by someone else on your behalf and second, the night out seems to come at double the price (ie 3 hrs versus a whole day)

EightiesChick · 16/09/2011 22:44

Ah, but weigh the shorter evening time (I assume? what time did you all get back from the night out?) against the potential l for having, in the worst case scenario, 3 kids all waking up and needing attention. Not that straightforward.

YANBU to refuse this particular day - it was short notice and you have reasons - but in your shoes I would offer another day, and honour that offer. And yes, as you say, get a paid babysitter next time (especially since you can split the cost) and leave this guy out of it.

sb6699 · 16/09/2011 22:44

YABU - he helped you out and its time to return the favour.

You are being very ungrateful tbh and a 7 yr is much easier than an 18 month old.

colette · 16/09/2011 22:49

maledetta - your little one will probably love having a big boy to play with. It's will probably be easier than on your own.

zipzap · 16/09/2011 22:53

Do you know if he asked either of the other two friends to babysit on that day, if they were able to do stand if not then why?

Your friend committed you to doing some babysitting; you were all in need so the guy was able to screw a good deal from you guys. However she didn't commit you to doing babysitting at a particular time from what you've said. As long as you sort out to do it reasonably soon you are holding your side of the bargAin.

You never know, this could work out well if you set it all up in advance and can trade equitable amounts of time...

ExpensivePants · 16/09/2011 22:57

Er, the friend made the offer, he didn't drew it out of them judging by the op. By the sound of I he wasn't up for it at all.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 16/09/2011 22:58

YABU

He helped you out when there were probably other things he'd rather have been doing. A 7 year old is not that difficult to entertain - I'd just do it (with a big smile on my face, whilst being aware that a child of that age will fully 'get' if he's not wanted around)

2rebecca · 16/09/2011 22:59

I think you owe him 3 hours and would tell him you'll do half a day. It sounds as though the 3 of you were quite mean to him. Even though you describe yourself as a single mum your kid will have a father, even if you don't live together.

ENormaSnob · 16/09/2011 23:01

yabvu to leave a toddler with someone that had to be coerced into providing childcare.

FabbyChic · 16/09/2011 23:07

I think you should say to him, you can't have him all day but can have him in the afternoon.

TidyDancer · 17/09/2011 00:06

I think you were being very unfair by accepting his babysitting service if you weren't willing to reciprocate. You should really make it clear that you are willing to help him out another time if you aren't going to help him this time.

I can understand not wanting to give up your whole day, but he did look after three children alone (if I am understanding this correctly) so I think you should be very grateful indeed.

tabulahrasa · 17/09/2011 00:11

'I was looking forward to a quiet day pottering around w/ DS tomorrow. DS is 18 months and his son is 7- a lovely boy, but I thought- "God, there goes my peace when DS has his nap, we'll have to get out of the house and Do Some Activities- I don't even know what to do with older kids!"'

you go, haha, handy older child to entertain my toddler, hand them a load of toys and go and make yourself a cuppa...

iscream · 17/09/2011 06:35

OP, it is too late to complain now, you are obligated to watch the boy for one time. The goof news is, a 7 year old is really no trouble at all. They can be quite endearing, and he may even make you laugh a few times!
Don't let yourself get all down about the "obligation", just have the boy over. The enjoy childrens films/tv programs, baking/decorating cookies, play doh, books, stories, kicking a ball around, going out to family restaurants for a treat, looking at animals in pet stores, and going to the playground. If you know anyone with a boy around that age, ask him over too and ask him to bring some of his toys to share. I really miss my sons being small again, age 7 is a wonderful age.

PublicHair · 17/09/2011 07:22

you managed to perk up enough to go on a night out (without bothering to sort childcare out) leaving it to a friend who palmed your kid off on someone who didn't want to do and now you are boohooing about your rest.

you sound brilliant. are you making this up for attention by the way. i hope so,for all the kids involved sakes.

NorfolkBroad · 17/09/2011 07:23

Just say that you will happily do it at some other time. I think that is fair enough if you really don't feel up to it tomorrow.

BigHairyGruffalo · 17/09/2011 07:40

It is ok if you don't want to do it tomorrow, after all, you never agreed a specific time.

However, you do owe him a day's worth of babysitting. That is what he was promised, and whether you suggested it or not, you knew about the proposal and went along with it. You wouldn't agree to buy something expensive and then only pay what you thought it was worth, just as you can't change the terms and conditions now for your own benefit.

michelleseashell · 17/09/2011 07:56

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

Reading some of these replies to you is making me angry. You bloody ARE ill. If you had hurt your foot, no one would be telling you to get a hobble on but for some reason because you're suffering mentally it's ok to imply you're a liar, an attention seeker, lazy and a bad mother.

Well I'd just like to say loud and clear to the lot of them- READ A BOOK. Stop sending your intelligence on kamikaze missions of a Friday night. Think about getting some empathy. Never know, it might suit you.

I'm sure if you were feeling well enough, you'd be happy to take the little boy but to me, it sounds like the mere thought is making you feel exhausted. That's understandable. Definitely offer him an afternoon of watching the boy another time but it is completely fair of you to not be available on this occasion.

I hope you get well soon.

PublicHair · 17/09/2011 07:59

michelle, i am not sure which bit of the thread you are reading, if she had a broken leg and ditched her kid without sorting childcare i'd have said the same thing. stop making excuses dude.

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