To think that MN has an irrational loathing of SMs?

[Tinnitus]

Having looked through a few posts, I am beginning to get the uneasy feeling that step mums rate just above pedophiles and MILs in terms of MN loathing. I would like to be wrong. and NO I am not going to site examples.

In the short time I've been here I have noticed some very strong negative views on all kinds of mum, whether working, SAH, single, step etc etc., and though some comments irk me and make me defensive, I think its fair to say those with a massive chip on their shoulder about a certain kind of mum are in the minority (though loud) and most posters on here still manage to be respectful even if they may not agree all of the time and have their own opinions.

I'm pretty sure that being a stepmum is pretty tough, its has its own unique challenges (the unique challenges that every type of mum faces) and of the woman I know who are SM's I can only say I salute them, probably because they're nice people anyway (same goes with the other types of mums I know), the really bad ones, I don't see so much of because they're probably not very pleasant people and conversation wouldn't get past a polite hello!

What really bugs me is the attitude "well you knew he had kids before you started a relationship with him"...so what was I supposed to do, meet the kids within the first couple of weeks to check I could cope ok? No, of course not. By very nature of having to wait till our relationship was serious enough to warrant me meeting his children, by then I have so much emotionally invested in my DP that it's not as easy as just walking away when I find things hard. Yes I make the choice to stay, but if I need a little support and understanding whilst I adjust then is that so unreasonable? Luckily his ex is fabulous and we all get on fine but it's still very tough at times.

I think you make a good point, GoogleBun - ime though, you don't just take on the child, you take on the ex too, and all her types of behaviour and attitudes. And that can be very very wearing. But of course, you aren't allowed to say anything, you just put up and shut up and swallow it down.

YANBU.
I'm a stepmum, but married to a widower, so there is no ex-wife and no custody arrangements, and I am a fulltime parent to my stepkids.

I recently posted a thread about something that came up with DSD, but I never used "DSD", I just said "our 16-year-old girl". I got thoughtful, normal responses.

On the other hand - if I post about issues that involve "my DSD", even issues that are really about parenting, not just step-parenting, I've found that some MN-ers automatically question my character, my intentions, my care of my family...

YANBU.

pootlebug, great example - that's what i mean!

i dont agree

and the thread I was on, well, words fail me!

There are a lot of mums on MN who have a lot of fury for their exDP's partners.

What's that thread, porc?

I was chatting with someone on here recently and I did initially think hey she's a bit anti the new woman but I had to reconsider when she told of some of the things she's had to accept and swallow. There are always two or more sides I have come to learn.

I can't say I've noticed any SM vilification on MN; in fact, I had to open the thread to see what SM even stood for!

I am another biased person. I hate my SM. I absolutely loathe her. I didn't while I was a teenager, I would have done anything to have her approval, but all I got was coldness and game-playing.

This predisposes me to respond: "meh, who gives a shit.." because it's the internet, and the word "stepmother" has a very specific meaning in my individual worldview. This will be true for many, for a variety of reasons.

It's life. No one knows you here. We are all really talking to ourselves.

As an SM myself I found MN really super supportive. However, there are extenuating cicumstances. DSD was left with me after her father left me, her, my own child and our child. DSD's mother had previously pissed off too.

If I was a straight SM with grumbles abou the Step-kid i might have got battered a bit more.

It is super hard to love someone else's kid.

MJ - you can apply so much of this to your own teenaged DCs - the problem is that you have the other people judging you as you wouldn't have with your own DCs.

You don't have to love your DSCs - sometimes it isn't possible, maybe they are too old or too entrenched in their parents' breakup.