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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that MN has an irrational loathing of SMs?

68 replies

Tinnitus · 16/09/2011 20:30

Having looked through a few posts, I am beginning to get the uneasy feeling that step mums rate just above pedophiles and MILs in terms of MN loathing. I would like to be wrong. and NO I am not going to site examples.

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 16/09/2011 21:32

Not from me , my step mum is fab .

exoticfruits · 16/09/2011 21:50

It is one thread where people read their own situation into it-it colours what they say. If their ex has a new partner and the split up wasn't amicable (and/or she was involved) the SM can be Mary Poppins-she can't do right.
People also only post with problems-they don't post about fantastic SM, in the same way that they rarely post about fantastic MIL.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2011 22:17

How do you know what the 'sample size' is, OP? People only tend to post about the problems they have with family members, not the happy events so much, so I think you're getting a skewed perception really.

ConstanceNoring · 17/09/2011 09:07

It seems to go in phases. I joined mn when I was looking for advice as a SM, and I wasn't prepared for the majority lack of empathy , there was an overwhelming attitude of 'serves you right for getting with someone who had children already' .

Having said that once I had steeled myself against this I did find some fantastic support and understanding from SMs and non-SMs. And it doesn't seem quite such a scary place now.

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:13

YABU

I think that's nonsense. We all have our crosses to bear or sensitive issues so it will always seem like there is a bias to some posters with a vested interest.

Now if you'd said there was an anti feeling against formula feeding then I'd agree wholeheartedly!!!

meditrina · 17/09/2011 09:16

Posters who are themselves SMs seem to get much the same reception as all other parents.

People post about their DCs stepmother, as noted above, when there is something to post about - which usually means a problem. And the degree of acrimony and recentness of the end of the original parent's relationship can colour this too.

But I do also remember a thread (maybe memorable because unique) when someone posted about how lovely her DCs new SM was - something about dealing with all the parenting stuff when the XP was being deeply useless. But we don't here many of the stories when it's all fine, or at least acceptable.

Pagwatch · 17/09/2011 09:23

I think that most groups come in for equally massive bashing on here. You just only notice if you are in that group.

Mumsnet is equal oppertunity in it's unpleasantness.

I notice bashed groups including. Old women, mils, sills, poor people, people on benefits, teachers, men out of the house on their own where children may be, ffs, extended bfs, women at the school gate who talk to each other, mn royalty, people who spend a lot of money, Victoria beckham etc etc.

It is only noticeable if you are in the group or if you look hard.

I think the group treated with most contempt are women over the age of 50. Which defies basic common sense and self interest when you think about it

fedupofnamechanging · 17/09/2011 09:26

You forgot SAHM's and WOHM's depending upon who is posting.

LoveInAColdClimate · 17/09/2011 09:27

I haven't noticed that, TBH, but perhaps I would if I was one. I think stepmothers who post essentially looking for sympathy for the fact that their DH already has children (of whom they were aware when they married him) who require time and funding get a justifiably hard time, but I don't think there's some endemic loathing of SMs.

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 09:38

I agree with Pagwatch.
It gets quite depressing

Anyone over 50 is elderly and if they are a woman they are an 'old biddy'.
Men are all part of the patriarchy.
All men watch porn as a fact.
Anyone who is the mother of a DS is dreadful-as proved by MILs
Boys shouldn't have anything just to themselves because girls can do it (but girls can have things just for girls)
The PTA are dreadful women, out to get benefits for their own DC.
Teachers are just their for crowd control and they want to turn out identical DCs
All strangers who touch babies are dirty.
I could go on all morning.

Luckily none of it is true-or only the minority!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 17/09/2011 09:45

I agree about the amount of ageist language that floats about on here. I always challenge it.

FontSnob · 17/09/2011 09:46

Sm's do get a raw deal on many a thread on mn. I think you are more sensitive to it if you are one. Teachers get a raw deal too. I'm one of those too. Some days it's best to ignore anything with either thing in the thread title!!

motherinferior · 17/09/2011 09:53

Pag, you'd forgotten journalists. We are all evil exploiters who want only to take pictures of you in your pants. Any post we make is in order to pry into other people's private lives because we are too lazy to do any research. We are also responsible for the commodification of women's bodies, the entire porn culture and probably capitalism too.

Pagwatch · 17/09/2011 09:56

How could I forget (given that ds1 wants to be one)

Journalists

ConstanceNoring · 17/09/2011 10:05

*I think that most groups come in for equally massive bashing on here. You just only notice if you are in that group.

Mumsnet is equal oppertunity in it's unpleasantness.*

I think you have it spot on Pagwatch , because come to think of it I posted a thread a while back about how to deal with neighbour's children wanting to play over all the time, - apparently I was cold, uncaring, unkind and selfish and they didn't even know I was a stepmother too (or maybe they did )

pootlebug · 17/09/2011 10:27

I do agree with Pagwatch - I have seen bashing of all sorts of different groups, and it is noticeable if you are in that group. The one that sticks out in the step-mum thing is:

"My husband's ex has just asked us for £500 towards a ski trip for DSS. We are short of money and haven't been on a family holiday (we have two other children) for the last 3 years for this reason. AIBU to refuse on the grounds we just don't have that kind of money?"

Answer: Yes. You knew very well he had a son that would need supporting when you married him you selfish cow.

"My eldest son (we have two other children too) has just asked us for £500 towards a ski trip. We are short of money and haven't been on a family holiday for the last 3 years for this reason. AIBU to refuse on the grounds we just don't have that kind of money?"

Answer: Of course yanbu. He needs to learn that that sort of money doesn't grow on trees and if you can't afford a family holiday it isn't fair that the eldest gets to go.

I'd always thought these two scenarios were very similar, but it would seem from the consensus here that they are not.

laptopdancer · 17/09/2011 10:38

Yes there is OP, from a high proportion of embittered ex wives that seem to jump on this. I have posted pretty reasonable things in regards to styepfamilues only to find someone with an axe to grind re their own personal situation is like a dog with a bone on the old "hating sm" thing. I can understand that really, I guess, but its not always than man's fault and the stepmother isnt always a horrible poison apple weilding bitch. Just like all ex wives arent money grabbing cows.

FontSnob · 17/09/2011 11:40

Pootlebug, i think you have it spot on there.

slavetofilofax · 17/09/2011 12:52

I think any animosity towards step Mums only shows up when they are compaining about things they shouldn't be complaining about.

Like when the ex wife needs money for the dc's, or dares to have a holiday at the same time as expecting her ex to pay for his own children.

apachepony · 17/09/2011 13:26

But slavetofilax, does the example given by pootlebug constitute something which a sm shouldn't be concerned about? As it's giving money to the ex for dc does this mean the sm is automatically unreasonable?

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 13:35

SM appear to be hated purely because embittered exwives jump in and let loose with all their own feelings.

ConstanceNoring · 17/09/2011 13:36

Oh dear I can see this turning into ones of those SM threads...

ConstanceNoring · 17/09/2011 13:39

Actually I'm immune to it now, both in RL and on here. I will be forever grateful for the much needed support and understanding I have found here though.

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 13:48

Mothers do not want another woman mothering their DC full stop. That is the problem. From the DCs point of view a SM who loves them must be much better than one who tolerates them and leaves it all to the father.

cardibach · 17/09/2011 13:57

I think it's the term which gets people's backs up - we need one which suggests the care that is given by many SMs but wihtout sounding in competition with the biological mum. My DD has a 'step-mum' who was the OW, but they get on well and I know too many chioldren who have nobody to talk to (I work with young people) to be anything other than happy that there is another adult in her life who might be available to listen.

Having said that, the term itself is difficult, I have only recently started using it myself (after more than 10 years) and still wince a little when I hear it.

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