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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think out of all MNers who have had an affair wreck/trip their marriage....

27 replies

ThePosieParker · 16/09/2011 17:50

that it's mostly men doing the adultery?

I may be wrong, but am curious. Any clues (if I'm right) why that is?

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 16/09/2011 18:18

I have my theory and I'm sticking with it, but I'm not sharing it because I will get a mega flaming.

But, yes I kind of agree with you.

AlpinePony · 16/09/2011 18:19

I'm with Sarah, I think I know why this is but am wearing nylon pyjamas.

aldiwhore · 16/09/2011 18:21

Well its mostly women on here for a start, add to that the fact that many people who've had an affair won't admit it and those that have been on the receiving want to shout about it, its not surprising you come up with that conclusion.

Its far far from the 'actual' truth though I suspect.

Put it this way, there's not many women who are having affairs who feel the need to ask for help nor ask ITABU.

I agree as far as here is concerned (duh its a given really) but as far as the rest of the world goes I think YABVU and shortsighted? Smile

bibbitybobbityhat · 16/09/2011 18:21

Do you mean men are more likely to be unfaithful than women?

If so, I agree with you.

JillySnooper · 16/09/2011 18:23

I think women are generally more willing to forgive an affair and I wonder if that's sort of in all men's subconscious?

AngryFeet · 16/09/2011 18:24

Maybe because men are more sexual beings than woman and can separate emotion from sex more easily? Maybe women are better at not getting caught? Who knows but I think you are right. Of all the people I know it is more men who have cheated but there have been a few female friends who have (most got away with it or left H for other man).

BellaneyMimphus · 16/09/2011 18:25

I don't think all that many women would post the details of an affair on here: they know they'd be ripped to shreds, most likely, and it does sort of leave a bit of a trail if their partner decided to snoop.

Whatmeworry · 16/09/2011 18:26

I may be wrong, but am curious. Any clues (if I'm right) why that is

Well, for every man having an affair, there is by definition a woman having one with him so you have to believe one of:

  • the OW are nearly all single women, or
  • A very large number of men are having affairs with a very small number of very flexible women, or
  • Men tend not to come on MN to report their DWs caught up in affairs, and nor do MN women who are up to it.
fedupofnamechanging · 16/09/2011 18:28

But all these cheating men are cheating with women, who either have their own partners that they are being unfaithful to. If they are single, then the fact that they are happy to shag someone else's partner indicates their own moral fibre is somewhat lacking.

So both sexes as bad as each other.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 16/09/2011 18:29

Right, the only people I know in RL that have had affairs are men, they have all managed to stay in their relationships too.

Now that may be because women are better at keeping secretsGrin. But I think women are much less likely to risk their family and status quo for a quick shag.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePosieParker · 16/09/2011 18:30

Every person I know, not a huge number, slept with someone they knew through work and all of these women were single.

OP posts:
Scoundrel · 16/09/2011 18:31

I think there's a reason you never hear about an affair that ran it's course, ended mutually and no-one got hurt.

I think that reason is not that they don't happen, but that those involved never tell another soul.

StickyGhost · 16/09/2011 18:32

But aren't men biologically/genetically programmed to be more promiscious? So maybe (MAYBE) it's true that men do cheat more than women.

worraliberty · 16/09/2011 18:34

I think a lot of it is sex related

If MN and other internet forums are anything to go by, women tend to go off sex a lot quicker than men.

Many women are happy not to bother much with it at all, whereas many men seem to want/need sex more.

That's my general theory anyway Grin

ChooChooWowWow · 16/09/2011 18:35

I have no idea what the true statistics are. My personal experience is that I can think of 5 female friends/collegues who have had affairs and two men (one of them was my ex).

Al0uiseG · 16/09/2011 18:35

The only people I know in real life who've had affairs are the ones that got caught out. I expect there are plenty who have affairs and don't get caught out, no one in their right mind would pop up and tell you about their affair that ended happily and mutually.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 16/09/2011 18:38

I actually know of 5 women who have cheated and only one man. So on that I'd say yabu. But wrt what we see on here yanbu

Birdsgottafly · 16/09/2011 18:40

Out of the people i have known and know it has been an even mix, i can keep secrets, though, so people tend to be honest.

I don't know many men who would tell others if their OH cheated, whereas women seem to shout it from the rooftops, as if to prove how badly they are done to.

Having said that men and women use different coping mechanisms, when things are going downhill in a relationship, perhaps men are more likely to need reasurance from another woman that they are still virile.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 16/09/2011 18:40

oooo.....I was prepared to BU!!

OP posts:
BellaneyMimphus · 16/09/2011 18:44

I know about 50/50, but it's only 2 people Shock
I know the normal amount of people, I just honestly have a lot of happily married friends at the moment. I guess that WILL change. Sad

Oops forgot about my dad, but allegedly my mum cheated on him with at least one man and tried with a couple of others. Big SIGH.

Henrythehappyhelicopter · 16/09/2011 19:03

Working for a large organisation and knowing of many affairs, I would say that women look elsewhere when there first relationship is not fulfilling their needs. Men look elsewherer when they think they will get away with it and will do so even if 100% happy with their first relationship.

Yes I know not everyone, mass generalisation.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/09/2011 19:29

I know of one woman who had an affair and presumably didn't get caught. It carried on throughout the run up to her wedding and I think afterwards too.

I would find that hard to forgive, so presumably her dh doesn't know. Thing is other people do know and if I was her I'd feel like there was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

worraliberty · 16/09/2011 19:35

I went to a wedding when I was about 17 or 18...as someone's plus one. I didn't know the Bride or the Groom, but the person who invited me, told me that the Groom and the Matron of Honour (Bride's best friend) were having an affair and had been for months Sad

After he mentioned it, it seemed fairly obvious to me unless it was just because I knew about it. Either way, there was the Bride at her huge expensive wedding and I wonder just how many of the congregation knew.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/09/2011 19:36

That is so sad. Poor, poor bride.

TrillianAstra · 16/09/2011 19:41

The Other Person might not know that the adulterer is married/with someone, or might have been convinced by a "we're separated really" or a "we're just staying together for the kids" story.

So I think it's wrong to say that the other party is just as guilty.

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