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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have got totally fecked of with my father today who has mod alz

26 replies

sunshinelifeisgood · 15/09/2011 23:22

Today was a fecking crap one and i am now struggling to be honest. I am one of five siblings (posted about him before).

Anyway, today I get over to his place and he is in bed (1pm) to go food shopping. Eventually I get him up (after him refusing having a strop etc) and get him bathed etc and off we go.

Dad has got it into his head lately that he was a singer (it actually was my dm who was the singer, she sang in local pubs etc). I drove him to the local supermarket and he fecking sang all the way through it, until I said "for fecks sake I cannot concentrate on the food shop with you singing in my fecking ear".
He lives in sheltered accom, so once we got back and I took him down to the garden he fecking carried on singing. The other residents were there and I must admit most are fine but some get pretty pissed of with him (and I dont blame them).
Im just fecked of tonight simple as that. :)

NO he is not ready for a care home.

OP posts:

YouWinOrYouDie · 15/09/2011 23:34

My Mother is going down this route. My Dad wants to do it all on his own and he is getting fecked off too. He asked me to come to the latest appointment basically because he has loved and cherished my Mum for fifty years and more and can't find it in himself to say anything negative about her to others, which isn't going to help either of them.

It's difficult. YANBU at all

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/09/2011 23:37

He may not be ready for a care home, but I bet you would have loved to have checked yourself into one after today

Look on the bright side; he could have got it into his head that he was a piano player and expected you to strap a baby grand to your car roof and then push it, and his stool, through the supermarket for him while he aped Liberace.

YouWinOrYouDie · 15/09/2011 23:40

Regarding shopping - interesting snippet from the Benefits and Work forum I was horrified by found today:

"The reason you can?t claim for shopping for necessities dates back to a
1981 decision by the late Lord Denning, who was the senior civil judge in
the UK at the time. He decided that the activities for which you could claim
benefits ?do not include cooking, shopping or any of the other things which
a wife or daughter does as part of her domestic duties?.

And yes, we did say that decision was made in 1981, not 1881"

Original poster

sunshinelifeisgood · 15/09/2011 23:47

Youwin: I am in a slightly different situation where I have had not contact with my dad for 15 years :( I had just finished a contract and he was then diagnosed.)
I was the one that was available. I struggle but put on a happy face most days :). Part of me wants to say feck it just get on with it now as a family and the other part says. "what goes around comes around and this is justice for my mum".
I sound harsh and uncaring and I am not like that. He is so well looked after it is unbelievable. He does not deserve looking after. (another long story).

I just want to go back to work and say "feck of you fecking xxxx" but how can I ?

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 15/09/2011 23:52

just put it down to a hard day.

are you the only one who is caring for your father, because there are 5 of you andi in the perfect world all of his children should be helping aswell

bubby64 · 16/09/2011 00:01

YANBU -My mum also has Alzheimers, though a nurse, I finally had to get help looking after her as she was not eating/washing/changing clothes/taking meds regularly, and I was trying to get over to hers most days to the detriment of my health and family.
She now has cares 3x a day, and it is a big help,("who is that woman, why is she here, I dont need anybody helping me!") but she still dresses like a bag lady as all her clothes are too big, and she wont wear the new ones I have bought for her.
I also take her shopping, (I always ring the carers and let them know when I m taking her, so they can get her up and ready)and everything we buy, she asks "do I really need this, are you buying things for yourself with my money?" in a really loud voice. I see the other shoppers looking at me as if I'm stealing from her![embarrassed]
I love my mum to bits, but she can be irritating, and I am usually glad when we finally get home.
I just try to think that in a few months or (hopefully) years, I will miss the fact that, though difficult and sometimes downright embarrassing, at the moment she still knows who I am, who my kids are and who she is, and she can manage reasonably well in her own home with minimal input from others.

Original poster

sunshinelifeisgood · 16/09/2011 00:05

auntie: My siblings have him one Sunday per rota a month. last sunday db did not even turn up. I dont blame him to be honest. (although i was fecked of because I had to go over there) I am tired and dont want to do it anymore. I want to go back to my job and walk way :(. Today was the tip of the iceberg and it is going to get worse I know.

2 weeks ago he thought I was his wife and I was having a affair with the next door neighbour, when the neighbour said "George your wife died years ago". He then called the police at 2 in the morning and said "I think i have killed my wife because she was having a affair". I had to drive over to calm the him down.
Im just so fecking tired and he does not deserve me lookng afer him :(

OP posts:

bubby64 · 16/09/2011 00:06

Mind you, I also have 2 brothers, who both live with their DW/DP not much further than me to mum, and I get fecking fed up with them saying to me "what are you going to do about Mum, when are you getting her new clothes/doing her shopping/ getting her meds etc. I now say "Why can't they or their partners do such and such, then you can tell me where I'm going wrong!"

Peachy · 16/09/2011 00:09

Why do you think he doesn;t deserve it? Do you think his behaviour is him and something he can control (a lot id with my Grandad) or a direct result of Alz? With grandad he ahs always had the nasty stuff- and that's harder to cope with for Mum than the illness.

being a carer is bloody ahrd and tiring (I am also one, albeit to disabled kids) adn it sounds like you really need some support. Do you have any carer support in aplce? Either through groups or following a carer's Assessment by SSD?

bubby64 · 16/09/2011 00:11

Sunshine: Have you contacted social services about help, also contact the Altzhimers Society, they are a great help, both with information, prctical advise and actual help. They will also help you with interaction with social services in order for your Dad to get the extra help he (and you) are now needing. They were lifesavers when I almost had a breakdown trying to deal with my mum.

Original poster

sunshinelifeisgood · 16/09/2011 00:13

ty, i am tired and a little overwhelmed today :( I want to go back to my old job and not do this anymore. (I have been doing it for 18 months). I am going to be honest as a father his is a complete waxxer, as a husband to my (up on a pedalstal mother) he was a fecking xxxx. As a old man he needs me and that is why I put up with his stupid tantrums.

I so need to walk away :)

OP posts:

Peachy · 16/09/2011 00:17

You need a decent night's sleep and to think about requesting SSD intervention. Even a few hours will make such a difference.

AuntiePickleBottom · 16/09/2011 00:23

i wouldn't stop the care untill you get hold of SS and arrange a carer.

Original poster

sunshinelifeisgood · 16/09/2011 00:33

my father: the one I look after, clean up after, wash his clothes, feed a good dinner etc every day, pick up dirty washing after his bath.

is a complete fecking wanker , I have no respect for him but and a big but I look after him 100%. That is hand of heart, but I am struggling to keep the caring going. To me, he fecking deserves the memory loss, I wish I could walk away and say "feck off", but I cant simple as that. To me I have put up with "sexual urges", him thinking I was his wife having a affair etc.
Going into the flat and clearing up the mess and him looking at me as if to say "just do it"

sorry my post is so random I am so fecking tired and I want to just walk away and have a normal life :)

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 16/09/2011 00:48

well get SS involved and sort out a carer, what ever has happened in the past, he need to be look after....even if it is a HC

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 16/09/2011 01:09

I hope you're claiming carer's allowance.

You desperately need some respite. Tell your siblings that the time has come to share the load and get social services involved to work out a care plan for him.

CelticStarlight · 16/09/2011 02:09

This doesn't sound healthy for either of you at all Sunshine and my heart goes out to you. You don't have to do this you know. People will tut and be judgemental and have their own opinions but only you know the real truth and it is none of their damn business. No-one who hasn't experienced dealing with a relative with Alzheimer's has any right to comment on someone who is. You don't have to do the hands on care yourself, get SS involved and take a step back.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your Dad. The feelings of resentment you have for him are not a good foundation for a care situation - though I know that you are completely doing your best and are in fact going above and beyond the call of duty, considering the background.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 16/09/2011 03:55

I agree with Celtic that you don't have to do this.

Looking after someone with Alzheimer's is so all-consuming, so frustrating, so upsetting that IMO it's something that can only be done out of love, and even then only with professional help.

This disease won't kill him, he could be like this, getting ever worse, for a decade or more.

I think giving up that much of your life to care for a Dad you adored would be a questionable decision.

To do that for a man who was a bad father is madness.

Go back to your job and your life. You don't owe him this.

Sleepglorioussleep · 16/09/2011 05:13

I think it's amazing that you are doing this for your dad, especially if you have a difficult relationship with him. I would really struggle to do this for my mum. I think it overrides the sort of unwritten, even unrealised bargain-you look after me when I'm little, I'll look after you when you're old. Do get help from whoever can. I'm really sorry you are so tired and that it is so difficult. But you are doing an amazing thing. And that still means you have the right to walk away from it or do less because others are doing their bit.

DragonsEx · 16/09/2011 07:17

I'm another one who thinks you should get help for you Dad, carers could come in daily and help your Dad, which would leave you being able to visit him and be happy knowing he was being looked after.
You have to take care of yourself too :(

whatdoiknowanyway · 16/09/2011 08:28

Altzheimers Society,Age Concern, Admiral Nurses, his GP, social services.
Get help-you can't carry on like this.
I identified so much with your post and help is out there. You don't have to do all this, it is NOT your responsibility.

TrillianAstra · 16/09/2011 08:33

Poor you, sounds very stressful. YANBU to be fecked off. Annoying/frustrating behaviour is annoying even when you know and understand the reason for it.

You might be interested in checking out the brand-new Elderly parents section - it's pretty quiet at the moment but it's only been live for about a week and might be a good place to connect with other MNers in a similar situation.

aldiwhore · 16/09/2011 08:35

Things have got better for me and FIL since we arranged for him to have carers pop in every monring for half an hour... I still see him as much as possible, do all his washing, make him have a bath etc., and it IS tough.

YANBU to feel very AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!! Especialy on the days they are actually talking absolute guff. I try just smiling and nodding and chatting as if I didn't know better, but because I love him very much and because I know for a fact he never player football for Everton I do get frustrated, and sometimes argue.

My FIL isn't ready for a care home, and its painful to see him in the middle ground, he lives in a kind of twilight zone. When he's lucid he's angry and depressed and grieiving for MIL who he lost 8 years ago. When he's confused HE is happier I think, he just goes on a loop of conversation.

You need help OP, big help. Who would care for him if not you? You need to get as much help as you can because help IS out there... unfortunately no one seems to tell you who or where that help is unless you happen to speak to someone who's going through it.

CMOTdibbler · 16/09/2011 08:44

My heart goes out to you - caring for someone with dementia is incredibly hard, and it sounds like you are at the end of your tether.

I'd start looking into dementia care homes in your area tbh. The 'good' thing about severe memory loss is that people settle into a home very quickly. If nothing else, you could have a couple of weeks respite to regain your energy

suffolkworried · 16/09/2011 22:06

You MUST ring your siblings and ask them to give you respite NOW, or you will end up having a breakdown. Also ring SS and get them to have an emergency assessment of the situation, Though their idea of "emergency" may be 2-3 weeks time, (as with my mum) it is still quicker than an ordinary one. Altzheimers Association and Age Concern also can put you in touch with emergency respite care. You need a break.

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