To tell exp that he can now only see dd on weekends as agreed in court order....

[naughtyorouttacontrol]

The court order says that exp should have dd for one day per week saturday or sunday, which he agreed to.

That was a year ago. In that year he has seen dd very few times on the weekend certainly less then 10 possibly even lees then 5 days on the weekends. He does shift work and sometimes collects dd from childminder at 11 on his way back from a sleep in, as it seems to me he wants to keep his weekends free for himself. And if he has a day off in the week sometimes has dd.

He lets her down alot and makes promises that he doesnt keep. I feel that he sees dd when it suits him and is not committed. Then he is getting angery with me because I want him to be consistant.

DD has just started reception and I have told him that we now need to stick to the court order and he can see dd on the weekend. I also said if he wants he can have her for a sleepover on friday or saturday nights. To which he replied 'I am not your babysitter'. And has told me in the past he 'has a life' when I have asked him to see dd on weekends.

DD is only 4 and gets very tired after school and I really want to try to get her into a good routine. Also I would like to sometimes have time to myself on the weekends just as exp does so that I can do somethings I need to do like go to the gym etc.

So am I being unreasonable to say he cannot see her during the week?

Still banging on your anti family law solicitor drum eh mitmoo?

Family solicitors become involved to help parents reach a solution when the adversarial positions by the parents have already been established.

When parents adopt adversarial positions they seek advice and assistance from
Family law solicitors.

Said solicitors under new legal aid rules get financial incentives to settle the matter pre court

FACT

Family law ethos, believe it or not, is to resolve matters

FACT

All family law relating to children revolves SOLEY around what is in a child's best interests

FACT

I know better than you on this issue

FACT

But despite that I know you'll keep banging your drum. You might not like it, agree with that or even allow yourself to consider you're wrong ( which, let's be honest never appears to have been a strong point of your AIBU persona) but it doesn't make you right

FACT

Having said that, and to demonstrate the non adversarial approach I as a family solicitor can take, I agree with some of what you've said.

Do keep a record of failed visits OP. If he applies for variation of the order, such evidence will be persuasive in terms of arguing against a variation/ increase as it shows he's had ample opportunity to show commitment to contact and his child, but has failed and let her down.

It's also valid to point out that your DD shouldn't be disrupted by alteration of contact (which you suspect will lead to her being let down in light of the history of the matter) at this time of great change in her life ie starting school.

Because unless there are CP issues, I dont think blocking contact is ever right, it punishes the child.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/one-child-in-britain-is-killed-like-baby-peter-every-week-1740220.html

Just today it's been reported a father has been found dead and his 6 month old baby too, no one else is being sought in connection with the deaths.

For balance there was a woman who killed her three children who has just been jailed for their deaths.

I am sure you didn't mean your above statement in a literal and absolute sense but have to say that "blocking contact" can be to protect the child and prevent them being "punished" by a parent who may harm them.

*FACT

All family law relating to children revolves SOLEY around what is in a child's best interests*

Bollox, that's what they hide behind.

Tell me is our family courts based on an adversarial system or not?

Do solicitors not get paid to represent the parent who they are working for?

It's an adversarial system, how can a system like that be set up to be in the best interest of the child?

Let the best solicitor, barrister win and hope you get the judge who best reflects your clients points of view.

Why do the majority of people who have been through the family courts feel so fundamentally failed by them, both mothers and fathers?

Chippin he hasn't got a court order for overnights or midweek. Messing with court orders has to be done with very careful consideration. I wouldn't do that with a young child though I did with a much older child than the OPs.

It has to be done with an awful lot of thought, consultation and indepant advice. You can't just do it on whims, it doesnt work like thatl.

Stick to court order, clear guide lines for everyone including your daughter who needs routine.

mitmoo make your mind up! You slag us off one moment then tell OP to take advice the next !

And for the love of god a family law solicitor is there to advise you as to the law and present your case. No decent solicitor will spout whatever shite you tell them too just because they are being paid. No one client is worth damaging professional reputation that way.

And why are so many people dissatisfied? Errrm. Two parents can't agree. They go to court. One parent will always end up pissed off, if not both.

If it were that easy to find a solution that satisfied all parties YOU WOULD HAVE FOUND IT YOURSELVES!!

And no Mitmoo family law is not adversarial in it's approach or ethos. That is simply not the case. I know you won't accept that, but if that's the basis of your argument, it's already a doomed argument.

But don't worry. I have had a lightbulb moment and now understand that you are clearly simply incapable of understanding the nuances of family law, which is very distinct from corporate, civil litigation etc which are adversarial areas of law.

Good job there are people like me who don't go in with an adversarial approach eh?

I'll tell you a secret shall I- something we solicitors find ourselves saying to each other time and time again when "negotiating" pre court hearing, is that " these two need their heads banging together"

I would say those are child protection issues!!!!

My apologies, I sometimes miss the abbreviations. Sorry.

Sadly your story is not an uncommon one, I helped a friend through a very similar situation. He lost all contact until his ex split with her then partner who was the one who wanted to block the contact. The mother was just controlled.

The courts were completely impotent to do anything about it.

My friend works with children but couldn't get an order to see his own.

MJ sounds like your DH's x's solicitor was crap, quite frankly! It's a tough job, it's hard work, it takes someone with a passion to choose to practice in that area - it is amongst the poorest paid and most emotionally taxing. I'm sorry your DH had a bad experience. The systems not perfect and I personally think men do get the rough end of the deal, they really do. But believe me there are people such as myself who practice this law with honourable intention and honest advice. I'll tell clients if they ABU, I'll tell clients to wind their neck in if necessary. It's a system shrouded in secrecy, so people don't hear when a family solicitor has prevented a child abduction with an emergency prohibited steps order, or saved a life by obtaining an injunction, or allowed a child a relationship with their father when it had been witheld for no reason, or helped safeguard a child from appalling sexual abuse in a care case...

I could go on. This is our daily work. We do make a difference. Nobody goes to court thinking "who can I fuck up today".

The full picture is only seen by those who work in a variety of cases day in day out, thanks to the secrecy issues. It's therefore understandable that some are suspicious. Mitmoo is downright offensive with it though.

MJ Your experience, mine and most peoples' have nothing positive to say about being involved in the family courts.

I've even got copies of faxes where solicitors tried to cover CAFCASS's backside when I've finally had enough and instructed them I've had enough of their bias and want to place an official complaint.

Cue..... fax to get them to change the CAFCASS report. Unfortunately for the solicitor they forgot to remove the fax before giving it to me.

I wouldn't mind if my was a unique or rare experience, sadly it's not.

MJ just caught up with your postings. I thought it was worth pointing out the following;

if a litigant with the benefit of public funding is maintaining a stance in opposition to the recommendations of cafcass, the legal services commission would like to hear about it to see if Public funding should continue. If said recipient is deemed to be unreasonable in their instructions etc, they do stand to loose public funding

• the law changed re contact orders relatively recently whereby proven breach of defined contact order can lead to penalties imposed on the person breaching it, such as fines, imprisonment, confiscation of passport, community service etc.

It's a travesty that if you don't have the money you may not be able to peruse this as you might not know your options. It's a travesty public funds are used to run and run a case on behalf of a party who is going against a cafcass recommendation for contact. It's going to get worse when legal aid for all but a small minority of cases is pulled. That is in the pipeline ATM.

MJ the solicitor for your ex should have been reported to the law society. That's inexcusable conduct. I'm sorry you had that experience. I truly am. I'm a little voice in a big system but I know that myself and fellow solicitors "on my circuit" are of the same mind and ilk of your DH's solicitor. The judicial continuity is an issue which I agree is not ideal. You can ask for a particular judge to reserve the case to him/herself though.

I know the systems not perfect, it is underfunded and overstretched, that Should change, but it wont anytime soon. Hence, I believe the value of practitioners such as myself who do their best in tough circumstances.

I meant dhs ex. Obv

glitter you are wasting your breath I think :(

You are making the mistake of basing your argument on fact, RL expertise and a wide and varied experience of all sides of family law from a professional POV

How can that possible stand up against Mitmoo's sheer dogged bigotry?

I hope it doesn't put you off offering advice here because I can only imagine how much posters in distress value your input :)

Are you agreeing Glitter that the system is fundamentally flawed? Which is all I have been saying all along? It is not there for children, it fails children. The fact you have to ask for a case to be reserved to a judge who reflects your values is thoroughly wrong.

It should be a system where the interests of the child are served, not one that reflects the values of their judge and the ability of the solicitors to persuade a judge of the same mindset to reserve a case.

That is not working on behalf of the child, that is working on behalf of the parent who has appointed you. The whole system is flawed and fails children on so many levels.

Curry talk to F4J talk to Families need Fathers talk to Women's Aid, and you will find it's not just Mitmoo but all of the above who agree with me that the family courts fail children.

Mitmoo. You need to take a deep breath and realise, like glitter does, that everything is not black and white. That the system is not evil, even if it does have flaws. That it does not set out to screw people over. It does not have malicious intentions.

You are so dramatic and over-emotional that it does your arguments no favours. Nor the OP much hlp tbh

curry thank you. I'll take your advice, take my own deep breath and take a glass of wine.