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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is she? Really don't want to spoil our trip.

32 replies

irrationalfury · 14/09/2011 21:44

My good friend and I are off for a long weekend in a UK city tomorrow. She's off on an extended trip to Australia in a few weeks (she's resigned her job and is letting out her properties, a carpe diem moment she's been working for for ages), and suggested that she use up some BA airmiles and get us the flights.

I could really, really use a break and jumped at the chance. To say thankyou I took her out for dinner and am paying for a guided daytrip in this city. I also suggested I sort out the accommodation. She initially agreed and suggested I look 'around the £400 mark'. It's a really expensive city so I was looking at the holiday inn city east, that sort of thing. But almost immediately she said that as she had the time and some contacts in the industry, how about she sorted out the hotel too.

(I am going to mention here that she is very very much better-off than me, which has never been an issue in our friendship but might explain some differing expectations. We come from similar fairly comfortable backgrounds).

Anyway, she emailed me saying she'd found a great late deal and booked one of those apart'hotels, a two-bed right in the centre and one of the top rated tripadvisor hotels for this city. I replied right away saying wow, you got that for £100 a night?! She didn't respond until a couple of days ago and lo and by 'around the £400 mark' she'd meant each.

Sigh. Anyway, she'd paid a very hefty deposit and it was too late to find something cheaper so we're staying there.

Now - she thinks I should pay my half anyway. I could just about manage it by digging into my overdraft etc. I do understand that it was a miscommunication and she's getting my flight. But it does rankle, she knows what a stretch this trip was in the first place (DH is taking half-days from work so he can collect the DCs from school etc).

However, this is a long-weekend trip just the two of us, ahead of her leaving the country for at the very least some months (and maybe longer). We'll be together every day, all day. I want to have a nice time. I hate arguments.

I don't want to be all twisted and resentful all weekend. I don't want to pay £400 to stay somewhere I would never have chosen - I feel like it was her choice to be so extravagant and she should've checked with me before booking. But then again she thought I'd agreed to £400pp. But then AGAIN, she knows how tight things are for me, isn't that a strange thing for me to agree to? But then again it's not a lot of money to her. Etc etc.

Should I just let it go or should I say I can't afford to pay it? Or offer to pay in installments or something? Or say no way? Or... what?

OP posts:

ViviPru · 14/09/2011 21:47

Oh dear OP - this sounds exactly like the sort of fix I'd get myself in. What was your initial response, what page does she currently think you're on with it all? Was your last communication her confirmation that its actually £400 ppn? DId you reply?

Tortington · 14/09/2011 21:49

one of those thngs i thnk - like you say - miscommunication .

the only wrong is that she booked it.

i'd keep my gob shut for a friend

Firawla · 14/09/2011 21:49

i think you have to pay really, you agreed 400 and she got it for 400, if money is an issue for you really you should have clarified it was 400 for both and not 400 each, otherwise its an easy mistake for her to make. although annoying for you, i do think ywbu if you dont pay for your own half

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 14/09/2011 21:50

Most, if not all, apartment hotels will allow a cancellation 24 hours prior, I've stayed in quite a few and haven't been anywhere where this hasn't been the case. Why not cancel and go on Late Rooms and see if you can get a cheaper hotel? Even if you have to pay the deposit it might still be cheaper.
I think you ought to suggest it because it was obviously a miscommunication so nobody's at fault, but you don't want to be worrying about money all weekend.

tyler80 · 14/09/2011 21:52

I'd say at that sort of price range you should be able to cancel at late notice without too much penalty.

I'd say she is being unreasonable, purely because she things 800 quid for presumably 4 nights is a good deal!!!

joyjac · 14/09/2011 21:52

She is getting your flight on airmiles though, isn't she? Not many people can afford 400pppn, so I do think she should have checked that with you. As a friend, she presumably has some idea how you are situated financially.
Do understand you not wanting to make a fuss over it, but I think it will eat you up if you don't either tell her its too much or come to terms with it in your own head before the weekend.

tyler80 · 14/09/2011 21:52

*thinks

sparkle12mar08 · 14/09/2011 21:52

Sorry but I'd have automatically assumed it was per person too.

I don't know what to say on how to approach her, but I think you have to somehow. You can't get yourself into debt/costly overdraft for this if you can't really afford it, perhaps the installments offer is a good halfway house? If she's truly a good friend she'll understand.

Kayano · 14/09/2011 21:53

I don't think anyone is being UR and it looks like genuine crossed wires

I think you should pay

40notTrendy · 14/09/2011 21:56

Be honest. Tell her in the nicest possible way that's it's a bit of a stretch. Try and be light hearted. She may offer some of the options you've mentioned. If not, put it to the back of your mind and have a fab time, put it down to experience

Hassled · 14/09/2011 21:56

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Her only crime really is lack of thought/imagination. Go for the installments option and have a great time with her.

slavetofilofax · 14/09/2011 21:58

I would have thought she meant £400 pp, and really I think her view of it was more understandable than yours. You either pay, or risk a friendship.

She is a good freind and you won't see her for a long time. You have the chance at a fabulous weekend. I would make the most of it, and just make sure you make some brilliant memories.

Original poster

irrationalfury · 14/09/2011 21:59

Yeah I think I should pay too, but it sucks!

Thing is, when I was looking for hotels and showing her links etc they were all around the £100pn mark. I know I would've questioned it if I was expecting something at one price range and the other person was showing me links half that price. But maybe she didn't think about that because money's not at the front of her mind like it is mine?

REALLY don't want to spoil the trip by being grumpy. So I'll be grumpy here - she knows DH is missing work (at massive cost to us), I've paid £100 for the daytrip etc.

She wants it to be nice for us, I do get that, but nnngh!

I mailed her right back with 'omg no, crossed wires, I thought it was £400 total!' she responded and said that she'd had to pay a big deposit (£120), which was non-refundable as it was a special offer. I did look on laterooms but nowhere had four nights in a row and the places that were available were all pretty expensive and miles out and if I insisted on us changing SHE'D be the cross one and I really don't want that when she's leaving soon.

She's a lovely person and would be mortified if I spelt out how difficult affording it was going to be but that would taint the trip as well.

OP posts:

upahill · 14/09/2011 22:01

No one is wrong.
Just a mix up.
Whatever you decide don't let it spoil a friendship and a good holiday.

Stormwater · 14/09/2011 22:02

Tell her it's a stretch, ask what the cancellation policy is and if it's reasonable suggest cancelling and rebooking somewhere cheaper. Her response might be to offer to pay more.

I'd be worried about not being able to afford drinks, lunches, dinners and treats if I paid for a more expensive hotel than I'd budgeted for, which would make the whole trip a bit sad and pointless.

Inertia · 14/09/2011 22:03

I think I'd explain to her that there's been a misunderstanding about the hotel budget, and you understand that it's booked now but as a result you'll really need to compromise in other areas, such as food and activities while you're there- can you ditch the daytrip, for example? Self-cater, if it's an apartment?

FabbyChic · 14/09/2011 22:04

I think you do have to say that by paying for the accomodation it is going to leave you with no money to do anything else the rest of the time.

ViviPru · 14/09/2011 22:04

OP I've agreed to a trip that I really can't afford and I'm still fretting over it. I think the only thing we can do is as all the other posters have said and just try and put the money out of our minds and focus on having a great time.

BootyMum · 14/09/2011 22:05

I thought you had already agreed to sort the accomodation and were told to look at the £400 mark... Which it sounds as of you agreed to do and that you were going to pay this for both of you as your friend had arranged and paid for flights?

Now it sounds as if your friend wants to go more upmarket and you are going halves on the accomodation - so you will still only be £400 out of pocket and I understood this is what you had budgeted for from the beginning?

Have I misunderstood something because I can't understand why you now have a problem with cost? Perhaps your friend also misunderstood - it sounds as if you need to have an honest chat with her about what you can afford...

shakey1500 · 14/09/2011 22:07

Obvious miscommunication. I'd pay, let it go and have a fantastic time :)

Stormwater · 14/09/2011 22:07

Ah, x posts. She's been quite thoughtless really, I reckon. Presumably the flights cost her nothing, if they are air miles, so you're paying far more including your dh's lost income and paying for the daytrip? Reckon drinks and dinners should be on her, accept and don't feel guilty if she offers to pay!

whackamole · 14/09/2011 22:09

I think I would have to speak to her and say things are a bit tight and can you pay half now and half in a month. But I would still pay.

Original poster

irrationalfury · 14/09/2011 22:10

The plan was always that we'd be paying half the accommodation each, as her airmiles were down to work travel and 'free' and she'll be getting loads more for her Australia trips. So the flights are no monetary cost to her.

By 'sorting' I meant 'oragnise' as she was still at work at that point and stressing about leaving etc and I wanted to take a load off her shoulders.

The 'deal' was - v nice dinner out and I paid for the big daytrip. She got the flights. We split accommodation.

Problem with curtailing our activities (only the day trip is £££ and she REALLY wants to do it), is that might make the trip quite miserable anyway! I've already sent her (before all this), a big list of budget activities and restaurants in the city which I put together after loads of research. She didn't really reply to any of my suggestions, maybe she was disappointed with the budget choices too? I don't know.

OP posts:

notlettingthefearshow · 14/09/2011 22:11

400 is a lot per person IMO - it might not have occurred to me either that she meant each! It is obviously a misunderstanding, but since this represents money you can't afford, I would explain the misunderstanding to your friend and tentatively suggest finding something more reasonable. Do apologise for not being clearer, don't blame it on her etc, but appeal to her sympathy that it would be a real struggle for you. My guess is she will offer to treat you. Money is obviously not an issue for her and as you say, she chose the location. She is obviously generous and is keen to have a fun weekend with you.

If she doesn't offer to pay and does refuse to or is unable to change the hotel, accept this graciously, but my worry would be how much you spend over the weekend if she has oodles of money and is determined to go all out - I'm afraid you might need to mention a budget or make it clear what you can/can't afford to do.

It can be tricky travelling with friends who have a lot more money, but it has always been fine with me as we discuss money up front. The worst thing you can do is say nothing and then not enjoy the weekend and feel resentful for months afterwards when you struggle to make up the shortfall in your bank account.

Original poster

irrationalfury · 14/09/2011 22:12

I am going to pay, I think it's the only reasonable thing to do. I am going to ask if I can pay in installments though and don't want to make her feel bad by saying that.

It's more important to have a great time especially if I might not see her for ages. She's a great friend and I love her to bits.

OP posts:

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