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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should i stay or should i go!?!?!?

48 replies

mrsandrexx · 13/09/2011 13:47

i am new to this so please stick with me as im not really sure how this netmums thing works but im trying bcause i really need help!

i live with my partner of 4 and a half years have one DD,love them both more than life itsself. problem is i lost my job about 6months ago my partner works hard and is paying everything rent/bills/food ect which is maxing him right out. which is leading us to massive arrguements. I am trying my best to find another job. but feel like am banging my head off a brick wall. must have applied for 60+ jobs and only had 3 interviews. my partner is now saying he cant afford to "keep me" as he puts it,and says i would be better off being a single mum! this is the last thing i want. so should i stay or should i go? (i dont want to be a single mum living off benifits,but feel like im getting pushed into it) as i have no money no family and maybe soon to be no house.

anyone any advice on how to handle this/him ???
ps sorry my first post is a -ive one. x

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 13/09/2011 13:50

I don't think AIBU is the right place for your post and this is Mumsnet not Netmums - but anyway hello! Why don't you post this in Relationships?

GypsyMoth · 13/09/2011 13:51

Is he proposing you split up? Or fraudulently claim by being together but 'seperating'?

Where would you go?

It's not netmums here! It's mumsnet!

PuspornInBoots · 13/09/2011 13:51

Point out that the CSA will still make him pay up for you and DD - he can't just decide not to "keep you" and that's that, the state will pay. All that will happen if you move out is that he will still have to pay what he pays now, and he will have to pay you money for you and his child.

pinkdelight · 13/09/2011 13:54

Sorry about your situation, mrs. This is about the third thread on p1 of AIBU about staying with partner/having no money vs leaving the home/getting benefits. Have a look at the others maybe. Lots of advice... and a few rants. Seems to be happening a lot.

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 13/09/2011 13:57

Is he suggesting that you actually end the relationship or that you pretend to end the relationship in order to get benefits?

You might get a good response on this section of Mumsnet but I agree with ProudnScary, the relationships board might be a better place to post for advice.

Original poster

mrsandrexx · 13/09/2011 14:04

sorry about wrong name. and hello and thanks to all. i am still trying to get used to this. yes he is proposing we split up! says he still loves me but cant afford to live in same house as someone who dont work! its not that i dont want to work i am trying everyday and trying weird and wonderful things to try and get work. but he says he cant do it anymore and that i should look for somewhere else to stay. i am so scared about the thought of becomeing homeless and the fact i dont even want to split up over money.is it pointless even trying or should i try and do what he clearly wants and let him be free of me .
and would it be right if i took my DD with me ?

OP posts:

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 13/09/2011 14:09

Well, would you consider splitting up over the fact he's a misogynistic, emotionally abusive arsehole? You need to make the decision here, but do you have somewhere to go if you leave? And yes, you would be in the right to take DD with you.

Original poster

mrsandrexx · 13/09/2011 14:11

no hes not suggesting pretending to split up he actuly thinks its best to split up.i would be lieing if i said that didnt cross my mind to pretend if i thought it would keep my family together i would do anything.but because i am not a good liar i would not be able to do it .

OP posts:

Tanif · 13/09/2011 14:13

I don't understand this approach of 'money is more important than the relationship'. We'd be out on the streets with the dog on a bit of string and still wouldn't consider splitting up for financial reasons. When I made a commitment to live with my partner, I made that commitment regardless of what sort of financial state we may or may not end up in. Your partner sounds like a bit of a prick to be honest.

mistlethrush · 13/09/2011 14:15

Have you looked at the CSA website - there might be a good calculator that would work out how much he would need to pay in maintenance if you did separate.

Having said that, I can't think why you would want to carry on with someone that is effectively treating you as a throw away item that can be ditched when the going gets tough. My dh was out of work for 14mo - so I know how hard it is - I was the sole wage earner then - but we've pulled through.

lesley33 · 13/09/2011 14:15

First of all, he is wrong to blame you for not having a job. It is very hard to get a job in many places in Britain and you are trying. So please don't think you are to blame.

If you split up you would be on benefits and so the CSA would pursue him for maintenance. Point this out to him.

Don't just walk away from where you are living unless you have somewhere else to go. Otherwise you could be seen as making yourself voluntarily homeless and you won't be entitled to any help with housing.

Talk to Shelter or CAB about your rights in terms of housing and your best options.

In terms of your child, who do you think would be best to look after your DD? Don't take housing into this decision as if you had your DD you will be entitled to help with housing. So think more about who looks after your DD most, who is your DD closest to and who will be most willing to put in the time and care to make sure your DD is well looked after. If that is you, then yes take your DD with you.

I think your partner is being very unfair to you. I hope it ends up working out well for you.

Original poster

mrsandrexx · 13/09/2011 14:17

dont really have anywhere to go as my dad is the only family i have(i could go to his) but his house is up for sale so when he sells his house i wont have anywhere to stay.my heads a total mess i feel like am leting my DD down if a dont try and keep us all in the same house. am i??

OP posts:

Callisto · 13/09/2011 14:18

I think he sounds like a prize arsehole. He is proposing that you and his DD are made homeless so that his financial situation is better? I think you are better off moving you and DD out and away from him. If DH and I were strapped (and we have been) the last thing either of us would do is split up so that one of us would be better off. It just wouldn't even cross either of our minds. And that is without putting a young child into the equation. Poor you and your DD.

Callisto · 13/09/2011 14:18

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 13/09/2011 14:22

What Callisto said.

I'd suggest speaking to the council at the first available opportunity to find out what your options are should you both split. I honestly can't believe he's even considered this.

freesiaLiliy · 13/09/2011 14:30

sounds to me as though he just wants out of the relationship, assuming DD is his child no one in a strong loving relationship would suggest this just because of money. one income is not an ideal situation to be in but plenty of couples live like this, including me and DH at the moment as I have just been made redundant no way would he ask me to leave however hard it gets with money. are there some benefits you can claim whilst being together to ease the situation? have a real think though, is this just an excuse.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/09/2011 14:39

What a fucking wanker! He wants to dump you because you are out of work at the moment?! Jesus Christ!

Whatever happened to supporting each other?!

What ever you decide to do now you are better off without him in the long run. He can't be relied upon to support you for a while as you are looking for work so what would happen if you were sick or something?!

How old is your DD and is he the dad?

Original poster

mrsandrexx · 13/09/2011 14:40

thank you all sooo much! still dont really know what to do,i am going to try and get as much info as i can from councill csa ect try and talk to him and see if he will try to see another way of doing things(i doubt very much ) but suppose i have nothing to lose.

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/09/2011 14:43

He sounds like he sees your value as a person who deserves to be in his life based soley in how much money you can bring in.

Scumbag. Don't try to change his mind. Have self respect, kick the fucker out! (can you legally do that?)

Original poster

mrsandrexx · 13/09/2011 14:46

he is the dad to my DD and she 2 and a half,a dont want to not be with her not even for one night shes the only reason i wake up in the moring she is my whole life.i really dont want her to hate me and think that its my fault im not with her dad.

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/09/2011 14:48

Why wouldn't you be with her? You'd kick him out not her.

Original poster

mrsandrexx · 13/09/2011 14:50

i cant kick him out ,his name is on evrything rent/gas/elct/ect
thats how im in this mess as he has that hold over me .

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/09/2011 14:52

You mean if you leave with her or kick him out she will blame you?

It's not your fault, he is making this decision and when she is old enough you can tell her. You don't have to bad mouth him just tell her the facts.

mistlethrush · 13/09/2011 14:54

I think she's more likely to blame you if you stay with this man that thinks you can be discarded if the going gets tough.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/09/2011 14:54

Hopefully someone will come along and will be able to advise you on the legal side of who gets to stay there and if there is anything you can do about that. Sorry I have no experience of it and don't want to talk bullshit.

Whereabouts do you live?

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