I don't like my parents in law...

[loudee]

Hello everyone... (is this the right thread to post on?)

My PIL are completely different to me in every way. I have always struggled to find any common ground with them to even have a cup of tea. (DP and I been together 4 years, no children but thinking about it so this is on my mind). I find them very opinionated about pretty much everything and find they try to put down the way I live my life. Eg. I went travelling abroad on my own before DP and I got together and they make comments such as 'we always feel so sorry for women who have to go away on their own, it's quite sad isn't it?'.

I have always been polite to them and tried my hardest to join in with family occasions (admittedly with a heavy heart sometimes) but I'm not as warm as I am with my friends/family. I try to respect their way of living is completely different to mine but I am getting sick of their comments. It is affecting DP, he knows I don't get on with them well but that doesn't stop me from caring for them because he does and trying to do what I can to make our relationship better.

So, firstly, am I being unreasonable to find their comments about my life really quite rude (I never comment about the way they choose to live) and secondly please does anyone have any advice on how to get over these difficulties? It makes me feel sad that if we do have children they wouldn't encourage them to be independent and excited about the world unless there's someone by their side the whole time.

Any advice would be so helpful!

I would agree with that tbh.

I doubt that you´ll change their opinion.

It sounds as if they are threatened by you tbh & are trying to feel superior by putting you down.

My ILs always wanted my husband to marry & have children, but when it happened, they kind of didn´t know what to do with it.

It´s as if they can´t see us as grown ups with our own family-so won´t talk to us as equals, but obviously can´t talk to us as children, so don´t really know how to treat us.

FIL sees himself as the big head of the family & that I have joined their family & it´s up to me to fit in.

Husband & I see ourselves as a new family unit on an equal footing with them & that it´s as much up to them to make an effort for the woman that their son has chosen, as it is to me for a couple who happen to be his parents.

Well, we are abroad now & they have never visited, so I guess that shows what they really think of their only child & only GC!

Yes, that's exactly it, they do see themselves as the heads of it all and I do feel as though I'm expected to leave all of my beliefs at their front door and agree with everything they say.

I've been thinking about it being down to a generational thing and I really don't think that's got much to do with it in this case.... I have great friends who are their age, and I am good friends with some of my mum's friends and also my friend's mums.

I think for some reason it tends to be the responsibility of the DIL to make things pleasant rather than a shared responsibility, which in any other social situation would never happen.

I hope if we ever have children I remember all of this when I meet their partners and let them know how valued they are!

"It´s as if they can´t see us as grown ups with our own family-so won´t talk to us as equals, but obviously can´t talk to us as children, so don´t really know how to treat us.

FIL sees himself as the big head of the family & that I have joined their family & it´s up to me to fit in."

Diddl That really is insightful and puts the finger right on something I find so hard to put into words, thanks.

"I think for some reason it tends to be the responsibility of the DIL to make things pleasant"

Its hard work isn't it, OP :)

I also have friends as the same age as my ILs.

In fact out of all the people I know, the ILs are the only ones I don´t get on with.

I wouldn´t bother with them if they weren´t my ILs.

In fact my husband wouldn´t bother with them if he didn´t have to....

I am sat here, crying.

So much of what you lovely ladies pour out here is what I have to deal with too, it's beyond comprehension how nasty and rude some people are. We emigrated many years ago... the inlaws weren't the only reason, but they certainly were no incentive to remain...

Why oh why do DIL's have so much to contend with, and SIL's are generally so much more welcomed into an inlaw's home? It's terribly sad.

diddl... that could have been me writing that :)

Have you seen the thread about the heavily pregnant lady whose PILs that live far away have rented a flat down the street from her without discussing it with her first?

argh vivipru no, is it in AIBU?

elizabethdarcy From what I see with my friends SILs are indeed made to feel much more welcome, or just treated like any other human being, certainly not as though they have to prove themselves. Also, of my male friends, their mums tend to treat DPs as amazing for taking on their son in a jokey way if you know what I mean... I'm sorry you are upset reading this but I think in a way they are doing us a favour... Hopefully through all of this we will have much greater understanding of the intricacies of family life and be in a much better position to have wonderful friendships with our DILs :)

"argh vivipru no, is it in AIBU?"

lou yes, here prepare yourself - it ain't pretty - poor poor woman

Oh god I can't read that thread ViviPru, it'll give me nightmares.