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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't like my parents in law...

60 replies

loudee · 13/09/2011 11:34

Hello everyone... (is this the right thread to post on?)

My PIL are completely different to me in every way. I have always struggled to find any common ground with them to even have a cup of tea. (DP and I been together 4 years, no children but thinking about it so this is on my mind). I find them very opinionated about pretty much everything and find they try to put down the way I live my life. Eg. I went travelling abroad on my own before DP and I got together and they make comments such as 'we always feel so sorry for women who have to go away on their own, it's quite sad isn't it?'.

I have always been polite to them and tried my hardest to join in with family occasions (admittedly with a heavy heart sometimes) but I'm not as warm as I am with my friends/family. I try to respect their way of living is completely different to mine but I am getting sick of their comments. It is affecting DP, he knows I don't get on with them well but that doesn't stop me from caring for them because he does and trying to do what I can to make our relationship better.

So, firstly, am I being unreasonable to find their comments about my life really quite rude (I never comment about the way they choose to live) and secondly please does anyone have any advice on how to get over these difficulties? It makes me feel sad that if we do have children they wouldn't encourage them to be independent and excited about the world unless there's someone by their side the whole time.

Any advice would be so helpful!

OP posts:

diddl · 13/09/2011 15:45

I´ve always found my ILs hard to get on with, but it got worse after the children.

It was as if I´d served a purpose!

plantsitter · 13/09/2011 15:48

My advice would be this-

Have the confidence to be yourself with them (e.g disagree with them if you do - you don't have to be rude). You get more respect that way.

You will probably find your relationship improves when you have children, especially as sensible MILs make sure their relationship with their grandkids' mother is good - and you sound like you're up for that too.

If neither of the above is true, well, just accept the relationship will always be a bit tense, grit your teeth and don't worry about it.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 15:58

You don't have to be rude-just nod, smile and do your own thing-you do get respect.
It is a good job that I like my FIL as DS2 is the spitting image. I look in the mirror and I can see that I am very like my paternal grandmother. My brother is like his grandfather in character.
Unless your DH was adopted, you are going to find your PIL in your DCs, in some way or other and if your DH is nothing like it is all the more reason to think that it has missed a generation and your DCs will get it! My mother was very sporty, she has 3 non sporty DCs but 3 very sporty grandchildren.

Spuddybean · 13/09/2011 16:03

exotic they have made their feelings clear and have been very nasty, they have hurt DP enormously.

I would never tell dc's i hated half their make up (i am more on the side of nurture not nature, so i don't believe dc's would be like them, personality wise anyway). Hacing a very small family myself i don't really care about 'blood relatives'. Sadly it all sounds a bit Peggy Mitchell to me - Why should you spend time with people where neither side like each other? just because of genetics?

But i would have no problem saying we don't get on. A lot of people just don't get on. kids don't get on with other kids - i am sure they would understand that. I did when i was young.

ledkr · 13/09/2011 16:06

Well i cant stand mine so you are doing ok "not to like them"

My advice is to keep time with them to a minimum.
Never be on your own with them if you can help it.
I find things to do when they come for their great long extended holidays such as get my hair done or spend time with friends or dd1,that way i am not there to wait on them hand and foot as they expect.
I also encourage dh to visit with the baby now she is a bit older,that way i get some time off and they can all spend time together.

What i do know is that you wont win this one so don't try,get on with life and compromise as much as possible whilst standing up for yourself as well.

sprinkles77 · 13/09/2011 16:07

I wish I knew the answer to this one. I know that for my DH it is important to have a civil relationship with his parents, it is probably the same with yours too. My DH is caught in a horrible situation where he knows they upset me, but they are his parent and he wants to spend time with them. In our case the relationship went from OK to strained when DS was born, because of their thoughtless, crass behaviour.

We're visiting them next week for 2 nights. I am trying to remind myself that...

they are not all bad, they produced my lovely DH.
They are stupid, not bad. If they realised how they made me feel they wouldn't make the comments...but...
They are so stupid and set in their ways that nothing i say will make a difference. I know from previous attempts to politely state my position on things that it is like talking to a pair of brick walls. I do small talk, but avoid any sort of serious conversation.
That if I can smile, hold my cool and spend as little time with them as possible, while giving them maximum time with DS, I will limit my suffering and they will think I am marvelous. Being rude is tempting. But not helpful.
things might get better. Not because they change, but because I do.

My mother had a terrible relationship with her inlaws. We used to visit without her. 20 years later something has changed and they are now close. Long wait though!

ViviPru · 13/09/2011 16:10

step 4 takes it out of you though doesn't it, sprinkles? Book yourself in for a facial or something when you get back!

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:15

I can see that some are toxic-I just fail to see how they can be all bad if they produced the one person that you have chosen to live with out of the entire world! I incline more to nature, but even if it is nurture PIL are responsible for both!
If they grew up wonderfully with terrible parents then it must be nature and maybe they took after their grandparents, or great uncle Fred or anyone else in the family. When you get your baby you have no idea who they are going to be like! It all sounds a bit risky if your PIL are dire and you have already stated that as DH is lovely it wasn't nurture.
If you can follow my convoluted argument.

Spuddybean · 13/09/2011 16:22

Sadly the nurture part was monumentally shit too and has left DP with ishooo's. He developed his nice side in spite of them, certainly not because of them. And he really has his moments :(

TBH i'm surprised he isn't a serial killer - altho there is still time for that!

diddl · 13/09/2011 16:27

I think the difficulty with ILs is often the "generation gap" & nothing in common.

ViviPru · 13/09/2011 16:29

Spuddybean that strikes a chord, although my DP's upbringing was nowhere near call-childline-horror. Everyone incl. DP himself can't quite believe he's turned out as 'normal' as he has. His brother, while a nice chap, is much more obviously a product of the PiLs.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:33

If he has turned out normal then he got his genes from elsewhere. Unfortunately people don't choose them. Grandparents genes are going somewhere!

ledkr · 13/09/2011 16:34

sprinkles without you realising it your post as really helped me.
I too found their behaviour moved from irritating and selfish to downright nasty when id had dd2.I am struggling with it all still.

exotic My dh is lovely too he shows this in the fact he is still speaking to them after what we had to put up with 2 days post baby.
He does indeed have some lovely traits from them,he is family orientated and patient and intelligent.So far he hasnt shown any signs of their negative behaviour.

I worked with a few of the Wests' children and they were very nice,it doesnt necessarily apply.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:34

Hopefully good nurturing can 'outdo' them!

sprinkles77 · 13/09/2011 16:35

vivi maintaining a cool demeanor whilst inwardly fuming is hard work! When we visit them I disappear off to see a friend who lives near them. And usually get a "migraine" if the stay is over 24 hours. We're TTC, if I'm pg by then I shall retire to bed with morning sickness. All day. Whether or not i have it.

Oh, and bitch like crazy to anyone who will listen (but not to DH unless he brings it up, it's not fair and he knows how it is).

Spuddybean · 13/09/2011 16:37

viv Same with my DP, more odd and psychological than demonstrably cruel. Like growing up in a Joe Orton play i imagine.

DP knows he's not normal tho.

ViviPru · 13/09/2011 16:38

Hahah I had a famous 'migraine' at the PiLs that lasted about 24 hours. Read Booky Wook cover to cover...

Praps I need to think about getting updiffed - morning sickness never sounded so appealing....

sprinkles77 · 13/09/2011 16:42

24 hours is perfectly reasonable for a migraine. But, don't try that one while pg as you will be carted off to the local hospital because FIL will think you have pre - eclampsia. I kid you not. But a couple of nights in hospital getting monitored is better than a couple of days at my out laws in laws.

Spuddybean · 13/09/2011 16:44

exotic don't really agree, i think you can have bad genes and bad nurture from your parents but if you have other more reasonable people in your life - like friends and teachers then you can be different.

My family are narcissistic bullies and very aggressive, also nasty grandparents, selfish manipulative aunts etc. I grew up very much the opposite.

One friends mum is a psychotherapist and she said even a small amount of contact with a 'positive' adult or peers can make all the difference in childrens development.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:53

I expect that you can be different-but it doesn't really account for why some people are and some are not. A fascinating subject.

notlettingthefearshow · 13/09/2011 16:57

OP - OMG - you could be me! My PIL sound similar to yours. After 5 years I still struggle and do not think of them as my family. DH and I have been to university and travelled - they don't understand us. I'm pregnant and could quite honestly say I can't think of anything positive the baby will get from them. I would be happy never to see them again.

I could rant about them for days but instead I will try to focus!

Like you I suspect I am a pretty mild mannered person and I'm not used to people who are rude/narrow minded. I would definitely respond with positive comments as others suggested about travellingl and your lifestyle. Don't be afraid to challenge or contradict them either. Mine are narrow minded and IMO need to hear the other side (the one that the Daily Mail doesn't show), and we are the only people who offer different opinions.

It's hard to know what they will be like as grandparents but you can't let that put you off if you know DP is right for you. My PIL are pretty hands off and already have 2 teenage grandchildren they do nothing but criticise. Now I am pregnant I feel stronger about what I will and will not tolerate, and also about my beliefs and values. You would probably find the same if you had kids - it's your right to lay down the guidelines. It also really helps if you and DP are on the same page and can both argue the same side - it was hardest for me when DH let his parents go on and I felt like I was arguing on my own, though he is usually very good.

I must come back to this thread later to see what advice I can pick up!

Spuddybean · 13/09/2011 16:58

i think froma psychological point of view (from what i have read and been told by Psychologists) is just a small amount of nurture - from anywhere - at the right time can make the difference to your emotional development.

When I grew up my family communicated by screaming (still do!) i saw my peers parents speak to them differently. it had an effect and i realised there was an alternative.

My sister sadly did not have that influence.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 19:07

I'd just say, "Oh it's a generational thing, maybe. Women of my generation tend to be a lot more independent." Say it often enough and she'll twig that she is much older than you are.

Other than that, I'd probably avoid going if I could.

Original poster

loudee · 15/09/2011 12:29

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have a huge sense of relief to know it isn't just me that has a bit of difficulty forming a good relationship with PIL.

Like spuddybean I do sometimes feel as though I'm being led into a conversation just so they can tell me I'm wrong. I've also noticed they openly criticise a lot of the things I have in the house, especially things my parents have bought us.

To be honest I wouldn't even mind if I could go to their house and behave similarly (not that I would want to) but it just seems like such double standards. I have to extend courtesy and respect to them yet receive barely anything back.

They do of course have good points: they are loyal to their family and each other and I'm sure would be doting GPs (which is the main thing I suppose) but like diddl feel as though I would be viewed as an incubator rather than me if we ever do have children.

I can accept that they don't like me, not everyone likes everyone else after all, but I would like to think that if I had children I would respect their partners purely for the fact they make my DCs happy, even if nothing else.

I am definitely going to try some of the more assertive responses you've given, doing nothing is clearly not helping matters!

OP posts:

HyperTrace · 15/09/2011 12:32

Don't lower yourself to their level IMO

I'd just give a shrug of the shoulder and leave them to their petty comments.

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