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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away for a long weekend?

54 replies

designerbaby · 13/09/2011 10:38

I've agreed to go away with work in our annual long weekend jolly to an unknown destination at the end of the month. It could be anywhere from Bristol to New York (has been both if these in the past). But I'm feeling massively guilty an anxious about it.

I've never left the children overnight before - they are 3.8 and 18 months. Actually that's not quite true, I was away from my eldest daughter for one night when in hospital having my second! But that's it.

I'm very much their ordinary carer as DH works long hours and us away on business a fair bit. As a result they are both real Mummy's girls. Although I work part time (3 days per week) I'm invariably home for bedtime...

I'm concerned that they won't understand if Mummy just disappears for four days. Youngest has only just weaned, and still relies very much in mummy cuddles for comfort at bedtime.

I'm also concerned at how DH will cope as he's never had to care for them in his own for any length of time. He sometimes lacks the necessary patience for dealing with two young children, and gets cross over very small things. He's not cruel or anything, and would never harm them but I do worry that they'll be more likely to play up if feeling unsettled, he'll spend much if the weekend cross and they'll have a rubbish time...

I agreed to go because the prospect if a whole weekend of child free time, somewhere nice, all expenses paid, with guaranteed unbroken sleep was really appealing, but I'm starting to regret my decision...

Am I being massively selfish? [braces self]

db
xx

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 13:46

I don't think that you are selfish-in fact it is the best thing for all of them-time alone. Of course you don't need to fly home! He is equal parent and an adult-he can cope, if he is allowed to. (I don't know why women make themselves into senior parent) He may do things differently-but so what?!
Go and enjoy yourself.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 13:47

Then you can try going away with DH and leaving them with grandparents. Other people can cope with your DCs!

bumbleymummy · 13/09/2011 13:47

Scholes - no need to be rude. 'Problems' can include serious things that would warrant going home (not just because he can't find their clean socks!) and I wouldn't feel comfortable being that far away from my children 'just in case'.
Her children are both under 4 - not teenagers - there's a big difference and plenty of time for him to be given/take more responsibility without her throwing them all in at the deep end for 4 days.

Jonas, they could still have that experience if she went away for a couple of days/one night. 4 days may not be comfortable for her or them.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 13/09/2011 13:48

YANBU to go. You are also NBU to feel guilty/torn about the decision - it certainly doesn't make you some kind of martyr!

However, if I was in your situation I would definitely be feeling anxious about the unknown destination. I'd be fine going somewhere in the UK, but I'd feel totally different if the location turned out to be somewhere abroad... I think I'd have to explain my situation to work and ask for a heads-up on the destination before I decided.

downpipe · 13/09/2011 13:54

Go! I left my 19 month old DS1 for 3 nights with DH to have a section for DS2.DH &DS1 were absolutely fine.I've just come back from another weekend away with the baby, leaving DH and DS1 alone again.As soon as I stop BF I won't think twice about going away on a girlie weekend and leaving all of them!DH likes the time he gets alone with them to do things his way and it helps them feel they are being a good father when they manage to survive without you,and appreciate you the more when you come back refreshed and with a full nights sleep for a change.

RedHelenB · 13/09/2011 13:55

At those ages personally I wouldn't have enjoyed it. I 'd have missed them too much!!

Blu · 13/09/2011 14:02

Oh, go, of course, but I do understand the tugging anxiety.

Do a little calm preparation - have your DH start to involve himself in bedtime as often as poss before you go, and then go out and have him put them to bed without you. DS fed at bedtime til he was nearly two, but after about 4 days of stopping he couldn't really remember what a nipple was for.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 14:16

there's a big difference and plenty of time for him to be given/take more responsibility without her throwing them all in at the deep end for 4 days.

Is he the extra DC then?Hmm That is something you do with a 16yr old babysitter-not the DCs father who isn't babysitting. He is doing normal life but his DW happens to be absent. Surely he has had the same length of time as OP -or am I missing something? Do women feel needed by being 'senior parent' who has to tell him what to do and 'allow him to take more responsibility'? Weird!

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 14:18

Why on earth do fathers let themselves be sidelined and they have to be eased in with 'calm preparation'? Go-leave him to it-they will all cope beautifully, a change is as good as a rest'. (Do women fell worried they won't be missed?!)

itisnearlysummer · 13/09/2011 14:20

Tbh, I think most dads will be able to rise to the challenge given the chance!

Many DH's go away over night and don't worry about how the mum's will cope. I do think some mum's are a bit over precious at times.

Men can often manage to do lots of things by themselves without the constant supervision of a woman and looking after their own children is generally one of them.

I worried about missing mine when I went away (also an OU residential) but I enjoyed it and they enjoyed it and I was amazed to see how much DD had changed in the week I was away!

They made a video diary for me so I could see what had been going on and it looked like they were having a great time!

itisnearlysummer · 13/09/2011 14:21

argh can't believe a rogue apostrophe appeared! obviously mums and not mum's. what was I thinking?!

Scholes34 · 13/09/2011 14:28

bumbleymummy - not being rude just realistic. Doesn't matter if the children under 4 or teenagers. If something serious happened, you'd fly back for both. OP can't spend the rest of her life being no more than two hours' drive from home. DH should be capable of looking after DCs for four days.

Left mine with their grandparents when DCs were 3 and 18 months to spend four days in France - with meals prepared, a timetable of who needed to be where and when and contact numbers for friends who would help if needed. Rang frequently to check how everyone was. Would have flown back in case of life or death, but probably not for a broken arm, as would have been home soon enough. Grandparents would have coped, DCs would have been no more unhappy than if I'd been there. Luckily, there were no problems like this whilst I was away.

GnomeDePlume · 13/09/2011 15:24

So long as the children are being given loving care then I see no problem.

I'm afraid my children were never mummy's girls or boys. I had to go back to work very promptly after each was born and as part of my job that meant being away from home sometimes only for a night sometimes for longer. My DH had to deal with whatever happened in that time. Of course sod's law being what it is the times that my children have had to go to hospital have been on his watch not mine. And no, I didnt rush home to whisk them out of DH's arms. They were getting the best care possible already.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 15:48

It is a shame that DCs ever get to be 'mummy's DCs or daddy's DCs'. A new mother needs to go out from the start and leave the new father alone. Obviously not for long if breast feeding but it is possible to get out and just leave him to it. Unless the woman has a job with babies she is no more clued up than him. This a wonderful opportunity to do just that. As long as your DH is a normally functioning adult, and not your 3rd DC, he can cope-I'm perfectly sure that a DD of almost 4 yrs will soon set him right if he gets it 'wrong'!

Andrewofgg · 13/09/2011 16:08

In fact a quick phone call to DW and a look in an old photo album confirms that DW left DS (ff obviously) with me for four days at three months and we had no problems at all.

Blu · 13/09/2011 16:52

ExoticFruits - in my post the 'calm preparation' was for the CHILDREN, not the father.

I travellled for work when Ds was a baby / toddler, and the first time I did it he was very distressed when it got to the second evening. He was used to me not being there in the evening, didn't miss me the first morning, but by the second, was distraught. The next time I went away he understood better that I would go and come back. DP was always a 50% hands on parent, but DS still needed to get used to the idea gradually. It helps, when away from home, if you know the kids feel happy and secure. IME.

Dad's should just get on with it.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 16:55

Glad you cleared that up Blu-I was imagining Dad as the extra DC babysitting.Grin It would be a good idea for OP to go off out one day and come back after they have gone to sleep-or similar.

Blu · 13/09/2011 17:25

Yes - and also to dash out before they get up one day.

exoticfruits · 13/09/2011 17:36

I wrote that Blu and then deleted it thinking it tricky to get up before young DCs!! (if they were like mine)

Blu · 13/09/2011 17:43

I weaned DS from bf by getting DP to go into his room and get him up and downstairs straight away - breaking the habit of a morning feed in bed - while I hid upstairs and then snuck out while they had breakfast!

chocoroo · 13/09/2011 17:45

I went on a hen do when my DD was 11weeks old. I was tearful but I had a lovely time and DP had fun spending time with his daughter.

He still can't pack a change bag for her though:)

PublicHair · 13/09/2011 17:51

i wouldn't. sorry to piss on your party.
not for work and not when i didn't know where i was going to be and how long it'd take me to get back.
i would have no issue with going somewhere for a few nights if i knew i could get back easily. no chance otherwise. and not for fucking work either!

i'd be going on the lash with the girls. Wink

heleninahandcart · 13/09/2011 17:53

GO GO GO! And the further the better.
DH will get more confident and understanding with the DCs

DCs will bond with DH

You will have a well deserved break

IME try not to call and try to speak to the children too much. I learnt that it was better if I just left people to get on with it or I ended up missing them more

YellowDinosaur · 13/09/2011 17:56

If you are selfish and a bad mum for considering going away then I am all that with bells on because I went to New Zealand (yes, the total other side of the world) on my own for 2 WEEKS earlier this year to visit my sister and her boys. My 2 are a bit older (5 and 3) but they were absolutely fine as was dh. Now granted dh is more of a hands on dad than you describe your dh to be and my 2 are older but I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with you going away and think it may well benefit everyone as your dds can build up a relationship with their dad and he can appreciate what you do with them and enjoy time with them too.

Having said that if you really won't enjoy yourself to leave them all then don't feel you have to because of what everyone is saying on here. But you will probably find it easier when you are away from them and don't have the constant reminders that make it all seem more real that you are going to miss them.

Did I miss my 2? Of course I did. Skype was great though as dh said he thought it made them feel as though I was really there. We chatted every day and it was lovely. You, and they, and your dh WILL be fine if you go.

Hope you do go and have a lovely time Smile

(PS I think you used to be on The Oct 2007 antenatal / postnatal thread - does dd1 name begin with I? I had another name with dses names beginning with S and A)

trixie123 · 13/09/2011 19:36

absolutely agree with all those on here who say you should go. It might be an idea to absent your self for a couple of hours around bedtime for a few nights in the lead up to it just so all concerned can feel their way but however you do it THEY WILL BE FINE. DP is great dad and does bath and bed every night but when DS was almost 2 and I was about to have DD he made a conscious decision to have a boys road trip and took him away for three days. Not only did he cope (apart from breaking the travel cot on the final morning Smile) but often says how much he felt it had improved his own confidence and their relationship. have a great time