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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get so fed up with people that make put down comments?

75 replies

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 09:44

I have 2 "acquaintances" that both seem to delight in making put down comments to me (they might well do it to others too but I haven't noticed)

One of them is very competitive about everything, and will use any opportunity to get a dig in. She'll ask me a question and then laugh. She asked me what my teenage daughter wanted to be when she left school and I said a hairdresser, and she laughed and said "well that would be okay if you could afford to set her up in her own salon". We were talking about drama groups that again our teenage daughters go to (separate ones in separate towns) and I said that my DD was thinking of leaving as the teachers were so strict and always shouting and she said "Well it's not like that at my DD's one but then it's so expensive". She just makes nasty comments all the time. She compares our little boys too and constantly makes passive aggressive comments "Oh he's talking now, it's so nice once they can talk isn't it? I told you he'd talk ONE DAY", or comments about me "I like your dress, nice to see you in something nice". I've been friends with her for years, I want to stay on good terms but it's hard. I don't know whether to just ditch her or to start saying things back, but then I don't want to come across as defensive because people like her love it when they've hit a nerve don't they?

The other is a fellow mum on the school run, who is a bit dappy, she reminds me of Phoebe from Friends. She just makes insensitive comments all the time, I don't think she does it on purpose but I just don't know whether to challenge her or just continue avoiding her (it is hard to avoid her though as she always always manages to catch up with me and starts chatting). I went out for a drink with her a short while ago, to try to get to know her better as I thought her comments are harmless, but then even before that she said things like "Shall I come round beforehand and make you all beautiful?".

I'm thinking really it'd be best to ditch them both wouldn't it?

OP posts:

CailinDana · 13/09/2011 11:00

That's what I was worried about cornflowers. I know people like that really don't respond well to criticism.

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 11:01

I think to be honest I am at the point now where I can't be bothered to try to rectify things with her, I think leopards don't often change their spots and her old ways would creep back in.

OP posts:

Ormirian · 13/09/2011 11:02

Right. I am very thick-skinned as I didn't think any of those comments were nasty. Second one sounds dim as a 10-watt light bulb but not nasty.

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 11:03

Ormirian, want me to pass over a new friend to you?

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 11:05

once the first friend and I were talking about our husbands working away, I said i don't like it when mine is away, which he is, a lot and she said "well I'm used to my DH working away but then when you have a husband earning the money that MINE does and has the responsibility MINE does you have to accept that"

The more of her comments I think about and write on here the more of a bitch she is seeming and the more I wish I'd bloody dumped her ages ago

OP posts:

cornflowers · 13/09/2011 11:06

Please don't send her my way, whatever you do!!

cornflowers · 13/09/2011 11:10

Ha! Reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend when I told her my dh would be working away. 'Oh dear.' she said. 'That's when my dh's affairs started.'

Ormirian · 13/09/2011 11:10

No thanks.

The first one sounds boring and self-absorbed. I think that is her problem.

FetchezLaVache · 13/09/2011 11:24

Oh God, she's awful, particularly in view of your response to my last comment (i.e. you're both in fairly similar, comfortable situations). It sounds like everything you could possibly say will be brought straight back to money, pronto. Perhaps you could start calling her Hyacinth? I'm sure she'll get the message.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 13/09/2011 11:36

Yuk. I know someone who is a combination of friends 1 & 2. She says awful things, and then tries to make out she is dizzy.

For example

"Oh I hope for your sake you have a thick child, when they are as clever as mine it makes life soooo difficult" WTF?!

On a friend losing 2 stone and getting in size 12 jeans "Oh you are soooo lucky to fit into a average size. I find size 8's are just hugeeeeeee these days"

To me, overweight curvaceous, "I know you think it is easy being me. being so slim and able to wear what I want, but honestly I have problems too"

I think I deserve a medal for not decking her.

So...

I understand entirely where you are coming from. I have no idea how people manage to say such horrible things so easily!! And I have suspicions about friend 2 being "dizzy" but that may just be my bad experiences.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 13/09/2011 11:37

dump 1 pronto. total bitch. tell her on Saturday night that the reason she is lonely is because she is materialistic, judgemental, competitive and boring, then walk away. If she has a "eureka" moment, has therapy and grovels (a lot) its up to you if you want to give her another chance. I wouldn't hold my breath tho'....

with friend 2 i would try a friendly jokey "oi, that hurt!" or something next time she makes a comment. maybe she will get the msg, maybe not.

nokissymum · 13/09/2011 11:46

OP you've heard the cliche, "cant choose your family, but CAN choose you"re friends". They're making you unhappy, dump BOTH of them pronto!

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 12:47

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly, do we have the same friend??!! The things your friend has said to you are just the sort of thing that friend 1 says. Perhaps they are twins....

Thanks again everyone for the great replies, will be ditching both friends pronto.

OP posts:

Bumblequeen · 13/09/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 13/09/2011 22:31

The other is a fellow mum on the school run, who is a bit dappy, she reminds me of Phoebe from Friends

Everyone needs a friend like Phoebe :)

The other one I'd just leave to wither away....

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 14/09/2011 17:01

Grrrrr, well today "friend 1" has made a horrible passive aggressive comment on one of my FB photos of my children and I. I won't say exactly what she said as it might give my identity away on here to anyone who's on my FB friends list, but it was a put down comment. Everyone else who commented said it was a lovely photo. I think she is just eaten up with jealousy about me, I can't think of any other reason why she would do things like that.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 14/09/2011 17:10

Think of it this way- she's now just outed herself to all your mutual friends as a complete bitch! Take it as a compliment that she's so jealous of you and your family despite having the perfect life herself.

Meteorite · 14/09/2011 17:17

Agree - the Phoebes of this world are the kind, thoughtful ones. Not necessarily the most organised, but so what?

"Everyone needs a friend like Phoebe"

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 18/09/2011 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HedleyLamarr · 18/09/2011 20:17

Well done, you're better off without her as a "friend".

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 18/09/2011 20:31

Thanks Hedley, I'm starting to realise I'd be better off having no friends than friends that act like that. True friends seem so hard to find, I'll get there one day I'm sure

OP posts:

Bumsnetter · 18/09/2011 20:58

I don't think they were meant to be nasty and I think you are being a tad over sensitive, I wouldn't be annoyed at any of the comments.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/09/2011 21:33

You are joking aren't you, Bumsnetter? Friend 1 sounds like a complete bitch and the OP seemed to handle the night out situation quite well. The only thing I'd have changed was instead of confronting her in private, I'd have called her on it in front of everyone. That way, there's no way she could have changed the 'story' she tells afterwards to suit her own gains. I reckon that she told the ones who took her side, so to speak, a load of lies and a sob story about what a cow the OP is. People like that always turn things around to make it all about them.

With friends like that, who needs enemies.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 03/10/2011 13:58

I had a friend like that too. I had to get rid of her. Everything she said to me in front of others was a shrouded insult . . . "oh look xxx can order her own food" . . . "oh look xxx knows the answer to something".

YouDoTheMath · 03/10/2011 14:09

I used to have a friend like this too.

If anyone paid me a compliment in front of her, she would immediately come back with an insult.

For example, I remember someone once saying "I wish I had hair like yours, Math". Ex-Friend immediately came back with "I don't."

Now, I don't expect her to covet my barnet - but likewise I don't expect her to make that clear when someone has just boosted my confidence with a compliment. No need for it, and just serves to make her look jealous.

I think they're what are technically known as Toxic Friends and there are various webpages devoted to getting shot of them.

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