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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get so fed up with people that make put down comments?

75 replies

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 09:44

I have 2 "acquaintances" that both seem to delight in making put down comments to me (they might well do it to others too but I haven't noticed)

One of them is very competitive about everything, and will use any opportunity to get a dig in. She'll ask me a question and then laugh. She asked me what my teenage daughter wanted to be when she left school and I said a hairdresser, and she laughed and said "well that would be okay if you could afford to set her up in her own salon". We were talking about drama groups that again our teenage daughters go to (separate ones in separate towns) and I said that my DD was thinking of leaving as the teachers were so strict and always shouting and she said "Well it's not like that at my DD's one but then it's so expensive". She just makes nasty comments all the time. She compares our little boys too and constantly makes passive aggressive comments "Oh he's talking now, it's so nice once they can talk isn't it? I told you he'd talk ONE DAY", or comments about me "I like your dress, nice to see you in something nice". I've been friends with her for years, I want to stay on good terms but it's hard. I don't know whether to just ditch her or to start saying things back, but then I don't want to come across as defensive because people like her love it when they've hit a nerve don't they?

The other is a fellow mum on the school run, who is a bit dappy, she reminds me of Phoebe from Friends. She just makes insensitive comments all the time, I don't think she does it on purpose but I just don't know whether to challenge her or just continue avoiding her (it is hard to avoid her though as she always always manages to catch up with me and starts chatting). I went out for a drink with her a short while ago, to try to get to know her better as I thought her comments are harmless, but then even before that she said things like "Shall I come round beforehand and make you all beautiful?".

I'm thinking really it'd be best to ditch them both wouldn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:11

Totempole, I disagree and thought it was quite a nasty thing that she said. I might comment on what shop someone has been to in a nice way "oh, been to Primark, what did you buy" but not a put down comment.

OP posts:

Psammead · 13/09/2011 10:13

Well, only you know what you need out of friendships. If you want to ditch them you probably should.

Honestly, I don't think either of them are that bad but I tend not to notice jibes.

FetchezLaVache · 13/09/2011 10:15

Ditch the first woman, but make sure you have "That's actually very rude- did you mean to be?" on the tip of your tongue for Saturday night.

We are completely skint and my best friend earns six figures- she has never once tried to rub my nose in our relative situations. This woman clearly gets off on it and is making you unhappy. You don't need people like this in your life!

The second one just sounds a bit tactless, tbh.

CailinDana · 13/09/2011 10:15

People like the first woman are generally very insecure and make comments like that to make themselves feel better. She likes having you around so she can feel superior to you. It's pretty sad really. I had a "friend" like that, whom I stopped contacting. She got in touch with me years later and we had a chat during which she revealed that she was incredibly jealous of me (for no good reason IMO). She has matured a lot and sorted her life out and wanted to be friends again but I wasn't really interested. Too much water under the bridge. I contact her now and again but there's no way we could ever properly be friends again. Sounds like your "friend" really isn't worth it, I'd just start avoiding her if I were you.

Second lady sounds a bit ditzy and might respond to a telling off. I've known people like this and IME if you just say "X you need to stop commenting on my hair/clothes/etc" they'll just say "Oh ok" and forget a few million times before actually doing it. I find people like that quite refreshing in a way as you can say pretty much anything to them and it has no impact. You can also rely on them to be brutally honest. You just have to remember to put your flame-retardant suit on before meeting them!

Tchootnika · 13/09/2011 10:17

The first one sounds as if maybe she is having financial worries, and they kind of get projected onto anyone else - i.e. her dirst thoughts are about the terrible cost of everything. Which might mean that she isn't very good company, but from your OP, OP, this doesn't look as if she's necessarily intending to make you feel bad.

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:22

Fetchez, the thing is I'd say our financial situations are pretty similar. We live in similar sized houses and I think our husbands both earn a high, but not ridiculously high salary. Definitely not a case of her being rich and me being a pauper as she seems to like to make out.

Cailin, yes I totally agree it's insecure people that are like that, and I do feel that sometimes the first one just wants to see me so she can make herself feel superior. She has said before that she has very few friends and feels lonely and so I'm thinking she must have done this to others before. Yes I know what you mean about ditzy people needing a telling off, might give that tack a try with the second before I ditch her totally.

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:24

Tchootnika, she says everything with an undertone, so whatever I say she'll put it down. So she might say "Where are you going on holiday this year?" and I'll say "Spain" and she'll laugh in a horrible cackly way and say "Spain?? Erm, why? We always go ski-ing" or that type of thing. She asks how my daughter is doing at school and I'll say fine, she's doing well and ask about hers and she'll say "brilliantly but then she goes to a very good school". I've tried to indicate her tone using the bold, she says it in a very condescending put-down tone.

OP posts:

SuePurblybilt · 13/09/2011 10:26

I feel a bit sorry for the second one actually - I don't understand what's wrong with saying 'you like cheap and cheerful too' - surely the 'too' means 'like me'? So how is that having a dig? I think the first witch has put your hackles up a bit, understandably, and you're taking comments to heart (from friend 2) that could be ignored.

Ditch Evil Friend One and give Friend Two another chance. I would try to remember, with Two, that almost anything anyone says, ever, can be interpreted to be snotty. Tis in the eye of the beholder, innit .

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:28

Suepurbly she didn't say "too", she said "toot"

OP posts:

TotemPole · 13/09/2011 10:29

"Oh been to Primark, you like cheap and cheeful toot don't you?",

Is that a typo? Did you mean:

"Oh been to Primark, you like cheap and cheerful too don't you?",

If not what is toot?

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:29

toot as in rubbish

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:29

Slang word from this area possibly :)

OP posts:

TotemPole · 13/09/2011 10:29

x posted,

what is toot?

YaMaYaMa · 13/09/2011 10:29

I cant understand people like that at all, how do they manage to think of something cutting to say on the spur of the moment and then not feel bad about it?

I've said two pretty awful but genuinely unintended things to a friend recently and am still losing sleep over it (literally, lying awake worrying). I feel absolutely awful but dont seem able to bring it up in coversation withoutout sounding like a looper. I think I really upset her too

Ditch the bitch from the first scenario and just withdraw from the second woman. I reckon if the first woman wasnt undermining you so much you wouldnt be so bothered by the second.

SuePurblybilt · 13/09/2011 10:31

Ohhhh, I see, I assumed it was a typo for 'too'. Then that is a bit bitchy, granted .

TotemPole · 13/09/2011 10:32

oops, xposted again.

That changes the context of that comment. That is quite nasty then.

If she says anything like that again say, "Yes, you inspire me."

SuePurblybilt · 13/09/2011 10:32

I have never heard of toot. Or tut, before MN.
I say tat

Anyway, they are both caahs

TotemPole · 13/09/2011 10:34

I thought it was typo too. That's interesting isn't it, how one letter can totally change the meaning.

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:35

YaMaYaMa, I am the same as you, I just couldn't do that to people, let alone be quick witted enough to think "Ok what can I say as a put down" every time someone spoke to me. With friend 1 I can virtually see the glee in her eyes every time she says a put down, like she's thinking "Ooooh another opportunity"

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:35

Perhaps I could have written rubbish instead of toot

OP posts:

CailinDana · 13/09/2011 10:37

My MIL says toot ILoathe, is it a northern thing?

Original poster

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 13/09/2011 10:38

I think it probably is, Cailin :)

OP posts:

Cereal · 13/09/2011 10:41

I'd probably ask the first one "is that supposed to be a compliment?"

Second one sounds OK and probably doesn't realise if she's said the wrong thing.

CailinDana · 13/09/2011 10:44

WRT to friend 1, would it be worth having a serious chat to her about her attitude? You say she's lonely and that's probably her own doing. Would it be worth saying to her that the way she turns everything into a competition is the reason people don't want to be friends with her?

cornflowers · 13/09/2011 10:59

cailin, I tried that with my equivalent of friend one & it ended in tears. Honestly, with people like this the best policy is to simply phase them out. One can only hope that they see a pattern developing and amend their behaviour accordingly. Trying to engage them about their flaws only leads to unpleasantness.

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