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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being resentful of my husband sometimes?

36 replies

mooms · 09/09/2011 20:07

i apologise in advance if this post is one long rambling rant! my DH is fab most of the time and very much a hands on dad but does anyone else sometimes feel that husband/partner's social life basically carries on as it did pre baby whilst you're stuck at home-and breastfeeding gives them the perfect excuse? I love breastfeeding and wouldn't change it for the world and i do express sometimes but cant be bloody faffed doing it all the time and don't always find it easy to find time.
I'm in a whiny mood because i was supposed to be going to a party tonight but my DD has just had her 2nd lot of injections - i've decided to stay at home rather than my mum babysit in case she is clingy/bit unwell - husband never even considered it. he can sit on a night and drink as much wine as he likes whereas i might manage half a glass one night a wk after DD has finally gone down for the night.. he can get away from it all for more than the 2 hrs inbetween feeds, he can eat what he likes, i can't even eat certain foods i love because they go through DD!

I am aware i sound a right moany cow,i truly love BF and being a mum and my DH and i'm sure im just tired but does anyone else ever feel this way or AIBU?!

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 09/09/2011 20:11

You are staying in 'just in case' ?

Get a grip and go out.

cerealqueen · 09/09/2011 20:16

Your life will be different when breastfeeding, (well forever really ) that is just the way it but you sound a bit like a martyr to be honest. Get more into expressing, get DH to give her a bottle or bottles.
Ring your mum and get her to babysit and go out and be grateful you have her to do that for you.

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2011 20:16

I think for tonight, it's a bit unreasonable to resent your DH going out when you could have gone out. Did she have a bad reaction to her first shots? Are you worried your mum wouldn't handle it okay?

But overall YANBU. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it though. How much longer do you mean to go on with BF?

DogsBestFriend · 09/09/2011 20:18

TBH, partly your DH could probably do more (feed expressed milk?) but partly I guess it's the price you pay for opting to BF. I chose not to BF largely because I wasn't willing to feel as you do now. Then again, I wouldn't be staying at home "just in case" my DD was poorly either.

If you want to carry on BF that's great but you're going to have to accept the limitations it brings and would be better still changing the things you can, such as handing DH a bottle of expressed milk and yelling "Bye" over your shoulder as you head out the door. :o

worraliberty · 09/09/2011 20:20

I'm sure if your baby was clingy or poorly your Mum could manage perfectly well.

Also, in this day and age we have the luxury of mobiles phones...I don't mean that sarcastically btw, I mean at least your Mum will be just a text/call away so go out and enjoy yourself as a couple.

SpamMarie · 09/09/2011 20:20

All the things you mentioned are things that are due to your BF. You can't really justify being miffed at your dh for that, it's not like he can BF in your place. I can understand being jealous, but you can't really blame him. You said he is very hands on in other ways, so it's not as though he's a deadbeat dad. I hope you feel better soon!

Nagoo · 09/09/2011 20:21

YABmostlyU and a bit precious. You haven't said your DD is unwell, you think she might possibly get a bit clingy?

You should have gone out, if asked her to your mum could have called you back if she needed you.

Next time just go! :)

I BF, DD is 9MO now. I have a as we speak. It is easier as they get older and sleep longer. I don't get drunk, I don't want to (there is always a morning with DCs, isn't there?) but if I want a glass of wine I'll have one.

Does your DH drink before the baby is in bed? That would piss me off TBH as he should be helping with her, not 'relaxing' while you do everything

Original poster

mooms · 09/09/2011 20:29

think each one of you is right,she did have a really whingy reaction to her first ones and didnt want mum to have to deal with that but i do think i am overreacting/being a martyr in some ways. neurotic first time mum i guess. could also be me being overemotional due to starting taking cerazette but thats a whole other thread! dreaming - i plan to carry on for the 6 months at least but also aware that DD will probably tell me when she's ready to be weaned! think part of it is that deep down i don't feel like my body belongs to me anymore...everything is about DD.. i do need to get a grip!

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 20:31

Is this your first baby, OP? If so, totally understandable. It's hard, really hard, also you want to do what's best. It's natural to feel a level of resentment/jealousy etc because it's a massive adjustment, ontop of being 'on-call' 24/7 for booby feeding.

I felt the same for the first few months until I got the hang of expressing.

DogsBestFriend · 09/09/2011 20:33

At the risk of staring a FF vs BF bunfight here, and while I must admit that a first I thought you're just being a martyr, I'll say one thing for you BF lot... I would have really hated and resented being so tied down and feeling that my body didn't belong to me any more, that some of you can feel as I would have and yet you do it all the same is a credit to you.

And that means you too, mooms.

Hassled · 09/09/2011 20:33

Oh don't be harsh on yourself - yes, you probably need to get a grip but I remember feeling exactly like you do when I was at the tied-to-the-baby stage. It can feel overwhelming and claustrophobic and it does make you feel (and so act) like a martyr.
All I can tell you is that when it stops (which it will), you'll miss it!

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 20:34

I only BF because I was too tight to pay for formula No matrydom for meeeee

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 20:35

FFS Martyrdom

DogsBestFriend · 09/09/2011 20:37

Probably no matrydom either, Hairy. :o

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 20:38

It's an odd word is Martyrdom, really odd. I don't like it, I'm not using it again

FredBare · 09/09/2011 20:43

the thing is you chose not to go, he chose to go - you both had the choice to go

turn it around and see what he misses out on, the bond you have bf your child, not being there to make that bond stronger etc etc

BimboNo5 · 09/09/2011 20:44

The resentful feeling surfaces from time to time when you have a child whether its breastfeeding or other things. As a childs main carer (as most mums are) it can seem as though Dads can just carry on life as before. But then you hear lots of men say they feel left out and as if they dont have as much input in their childs life as mothers tend to, so its swings and roundabouts I guess

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 20:45

The father of my child was left out but then again, he's never bothered to meet her. iiii's for him

fedupofnamechanging · 09/09/2011 20:48

I think it is right to stay home when your baby might be unwell and clingy because of injections. I, too, would feel uncomfortable about going out, if my baby had previously reacted negatively to them.

I also think your dh should stay home - it's his baby too and a potentially unwell child should be cared for by its parents ideally. It's not more your responsibility than his, just because you are the mother.

I think if you are stuck at home because of bf, you are making a sacrifice for what you consider to be the best interests of your child. Your partner should show some solidarity and keep you company, not carry on like it's nothing to do with him. No, he can't bf, but he could be with you, chatting and sharing the burden.

I am very against father's carrying on as if they are not parents, while the mother's life completely alters. It takes two to make a baby, so two people should experience the good bits and not so good bits.

SootySweepandSue · 09/09/2011 20:51

Well I FF and I felt the same as you early on and still do sometimes. On the plus side just remember that it is likely that you will be your DD favourite in return :). I think it's biological in new mums as it just doesn't feel right to be away from your baby. I don't think men have this to such an extent. Therefore I think you are being not at all unreasonable.

TheCrackFox · 09/09/2011 20:54

Sometimes life with a baby (BF or FF) can be a bit crappy. Feel free to have a moan as Mumsnet is a good place to let off steam bu she won't be a baby for ever so you won't feel quite so "trapped".

Original poster

mooms · 09/09/2011 20:59

well in an attempt to be less resentful and feel less of a martyr i've now arranged to pop to my friends next saturday night where i may even stretch to drinking a full glass of wine or two!

OP posts:

Nagoo · 09/09/2011 21:00

yay :)

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2011 21:29

well done!

I can see why you wouldn't want to leave DD if she wasn't well last time -- but then again, it is your mum, she is family, I'm sure she would take good care of her.

As time goes by I learn how much it matters to the grandmas to be there not just for the 'perfect nights' but to comfort them when they're sick or cranky or what have you.

drivingmisspotty · 09/09/2011 21:45

OP, I remember that feeling so well. Being on mat leave and breastfeeding it can feel like your DH's life is just carrying on as normal when yours has been turned upside down. I think that is what made me resentful, that the (maybe sometimes self-imposed) restrictions were on me but also that I felt a bit lonely as I wanted my partner's to be turned upside down too.

All I can say IME is they get older and it gets easier to leave them. Once my DD was 6 months I started using formula when I wanted to go out, which meant less expressing faffing. But in the meantime, make sure you get your 2 hrs between feeds! I used to go swimming in that gap, or just get your DH to take the LO for a walk while you slob around the house a bit.

But most of all communicate with him - maybe not all the resentment but try to help him understand that you need your 'me' time too.

Enjoy your wine next week!

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