for being resentful of my husband sometimes?

[mooms]

i apologise in advance if this post is one long rambling rant! my DH is fab most of the time and very much a hands on dad but does anyone else sometimes feel that husband/partner's social life basically carries on as it did pre baby whilst you're stuck at home-and breastfeeding gives them the perfect excuse? I love breastfeeding and wouldn't change it for the world and i do express sometimes but cant be bloody faffed doing it all the time and don't always find it easy to find time.
I'm in a whiny mood because i was supposed to be going to a party tonight but my DD has just had her 2nd lot of injections - i've decided to stay at home rather than my mum babysit in case she is clingy/bit unwell - husband never even considered it. he can sit on a night and drink as much wine as he likes whereas i might manage half a glass one night a wk after DD has finally gone down for the night.. he can get away from it all for more than the 2 hrs inbetween feeds, he can eat what he likes, i can't even eat certain foods i love because they go through DD!

I am aware i sound a right moany cow,i truly love BF and being a mum and my DH and i'm sure im just tired but does anyone else ever feel this way or AIBU?!

[inspireme]

Sorry if my post sounded a bit harsh,I just think it's important for your sanity to get out and about again having a baby doesnt mean ur life is over.

I realise I'm lucky in that my DH is more than willing to stay in with our DS, he hasn't been out in ten wks but then he never went out much anyway. If he wasn't sharing responsibility as much as me I would be having words as he is half DHs baby too.

I get a bit cross at women getting walked over and not being treated as equals by their OH's, I think it stems from the fact that I work in a v male dominated industry and get respect there.

Still don't really blame ur dh though- the two of u sitting in just in case would be a bit silly.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Loudlass there's no way I'd tolerate my partner going out and leaving me to it. It takes two to make a baby, so two should be sharing the work and responsibility. I think that when men carry on as if nothing has changed, it breeds resentment in the mother, and the father ends up taking her for granted because he can't see what the fuss is about - to him the baby has made little impact and he's not been there to witness all that the mother has to do.

I think he then comes to expect it to be her job to do child related jobs, thus reducing his own involvement and ability to look after his own kids. this further traps the mother because she has no confidence in his abilities.

I know the Op says he is pretty hands on generally, but I honestly believe that the mother doesn't get to pick and choose the parts she wants to be hands on fo, so neither should the father.

[nodrog]

I breast fed because I'm tight, and didn't want to buy formula. I was looked at as a freak at the baby weighing group. disclaimer this was 16yrs ago.

[CardyMow]

But why shouldn't her partner, the father of the baby, have taken it upon himself to support her in her wishes, of not leaving her baby, on this particular night, after their baby has had jabs? Why is this party more important to him than supporting his partner, and not leaving her to feel lonely and resentful? I think HE is in the wrong - as other posters have said, it is such a short time in your life that you are tied to the baby. But why is it only the mother that is tied like this - surely that should be BOTH the parents tied like that, for the same length of time, supporting EACH OTHER. Or do I live in fairytale land, expecting that from the father of the child? (Might explain why Ex-P walked out?).

If it such a short time in the MOTHER'S life, then it should be exactly the SAME for the Father, surely??

[FabbyChic]

I did not go out other than to work until my children were 15 and 10. I was a single parent from when they were 7 and 2, even then their father had a social life and I did not. I was never resentful because it was my choice to stay at home with my children.

My post was purely made because she says she feels resentful, when in fact it is her choice not to have a life outside of the home.

[madmomma]

Totally agree Zimbah; they're little for such a short time, and you have the rest of your life to go out.

[madmomma]

bloody hell you lot are harsh! I wouldn't be going out if a baby of mine had had shots that day. Not that I think it's wrong per se, just think it's instinctive to want to be close by at those times. I feel the same OP: I'm pregnant, and I think it's a similar thing where you're the one making all the sacrifices and suffering for the baby. Little things like ailments, not drinking, struggling to get upstairs - all things he doesn't have to think about. A Mother's lot I guess. I do think we get more of the rewards though.

[inspireme]

TBH I think this situation is of your own doing.I BF for 3 wks and have been ff-ing ever since and things haven't really changed. I feel getting back to 'normal' after having a baby is v important.

I have been out the past 2 sat nights and will be out tomor night- I'll be driving and be home early as I've done most nights,but it's done the world of good just to get out of the house! Although have a hen do coming up and not looking forward to being away from my LO for a night, but ill love him all the more when I get home. My Dh works with his best friend all day so it's nearly like he's socialising then anyway.

If u made the decision to stay in it's not really is fault!

[Zimbah]

I don't think YABU not to leave your still very very young baby, nor to feel a bit trapped about the restrictions - it's hard getting used to having a baby especially when you see DH still having relative 'freedom'. I did sometimes feel trapped with DD1 as she was solely BF and wouldn't take a bottle, the first time I went out in the evening she was around 9 months and even then I had to cut it short as she woke up for milk. But I don't regret it. This time round with DD2 I'm not planning to do anything different, I've got that familiar feeling of the responsibility/trapped-ness that I'm the only person that can feed DD2 (obviously barring dire emergencies, I know she wouldn't actually starve to death without me!). But again, it's worth it and it will only be for a relatively short time in my life.

[FabbyChic]

You have opportunities but you fail to take them, you make a rod for your own back by not leaving your child early on with a sitter.

You will make them clingy and unable to be left with others as they get older.

You are entitled to a life outside of the home too and only you can make it happen.

Stop being so resentful when your future is in your own hands.

[cerealqueen]

OP, good for you!
Watch yourself on the cerazette though.

[drivingmisspotty]

OP, I remember that feeling so well. Being on mat leave and breastfeeding it can feel like your DH's life is just carrying on as normal when yours has been turned upside down. I think that is what made me resentful, that the (maybe sometimes self-imposed) restrictions were on me but also that I felt a bit lonely as I wanted my partner's to be turned upside down too.

All I can say IME is they get older and it gets easier to leave them. Once my DD was 6 months I started using formula when I wanted to go out, which meant less expressing faffing. But in the meantime, make sure you get your 2 hrs between feeds! I used to go swimming in that gap, or just get your DH to take the LO for a walk while you slob around the house a bit.

But most of all communicate with him - maybe not all the resentment but try to help him understand that you need your 'me' time too.

Enjoy your wine next week!

[dreamingbohemian]

well done!

I can see why you wouldn't want to leave DD if she wasn't well last time -- but then again, it is your mum, she is family, I'm sure she would take good care of her.

As time goes by I learn how much it matters to the grandmas to be there not just for the 'perfect nights' but to comfort them when they're sick or cranky or what have you.

[Nagoo]

yay :)

[mooms]

well in an attempt to be less resentful and feel less of a martyr i've now arranged to pop to my friends next saturday night where i may even stretch to drinking a full glass of wine or two!

[TheCrackFox]

Sometimes life with a baby (BF or FF) can be a bit crappy. Feel free to have a moan as Mumsnet is a good place to let off steam bu she won't be a baby for ever so you won't feel quite so "trapped".

[SootySweepandSue]

Well I FF and I felt the same as you early on and still do sometimes. On the plus side just remember that it is likely that you will be your DD favourite in return :). I think it's biological in new mums as it just doesn't feel right to be away from your baby. I don't think men have this to such an extent. Therefore I think you are being not at all unreasonable.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think it is right to stay home when your baby might be unwell and clingy because of injections. I, too, would feel uncomfortable about going out, if my baby had previously reacted negatively to them.

I also think your dh should stay home - it's his baby too and a potentially unwell child should be cared for by its parents ideally. It's not more your responsibility than his, just because you are the mother.

I think if you are stuck at home because of bf, you are making a sacrifice for what you consider to be the best interests of your child. Your partner should show some solidarity and keep you company, not carry on like it's nothing to do with him. No, he can't bf, but he could be with you, chatting and sharing the burden.

I am very against father's carrying on as if they are not parents, while the mother's life completely alters. It takes two to make a baby, so two people should experience the good bits and not so good bits.

[HairyGrotter]

The father of my child was left out but then again, he's never bothered to meet her. iiii's for him

[BimboNo5]

The resentful feeling surfaces from time to time when you have a child whether its breastfeeding or other things. As a childs main carer (as most mums are) it can seem as though Dads can just carry on life as before. But then you hear lots of men say they feel left out and as if they dont have as much input in their childs life as mothers tend to, so its swings and roundabouts I guess

[FredBare]

the thing is you chose not to go, he chose to go - you both had the choice to go

turn it around and see what he misses out on, the bond you have bf your child, not being there to make that bond stronger etc etc

[HairyGrotter]

It's an odd word is Martyrdom, really odd. I don't like it, I'm not using it again

[DogsBestFriend]

Probably no matrydom either, Hairy. :o

[HairyGrotter]

FFS Martyrdom

[HairyGrotter]

I only BF because I was too tight to pay for formula No matrydom for meeeee