Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think daddy is more important than a class ?

36 replies

MrGin · 09/09/2011 10:10

I'm a nrp, I'm a good dad, I give my XP more than the CSA calculation, I accommodate any changes in agreed contact days if it's XP's mums b'day for example or if she's working. DD ( three years old ) stays with me alternate weekends Sat - Mon. I'm just a normal guy who loves his dd very much. I do get on with my XP despite a difficult early split but this is starting to crop up....

I'm trying to arrange a bit more free time so that I can see dd for another afternoon in the week but my XP is filling the week up with classes in addition to nursery, making it impossible. To be fair she's kept Mondays free for me, and I appreciate that classes like singing etc are good for dd.

I've suggested I pick dd up from nursery on a regular day, but this has met resistance ( she'd like it be more flexible ) and if I can't sort a flexible afternoon then we'll 'talk' said in an ominous tone.

Am I being unreasonable to think that an afternoon with daddy is more important than a singing lesson or a play group ? Or that me picking dd up every Wednesday from nursery and taking her back to mums is a helpful thing ?

thanks.

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 09/09/2011 10:12

You are an excellent Daddy, Gin. And YANBU for wanting to spend more time with DD. Her relationship with you is far, far more important than singing classes.

You should also mention that she's only 4 and you live an hour or so's drive from her. It's not like you live round the corner, and can pop round at the drop of a hat.

Besides your XP is batshit.

SuePurblybilt · 09/09/2011 10:13

Does she say why it has to be more flexible? I find that odd unless there's a reason - I'd like to be able to rely on my XP to do a regular pick-up so that I can work or do grown up appointments or whatever.

ExpensivePants · 09/09/2011 10:13

I'm no expert but I agree with you. I think your relationship with your daughter is far more important than a singing class. If she's at nursery then she's only weeny. How much singing do 3yos or whatever need to do?? She's got 4 other afternoons to do classes if she must.

ExpensivePants · 09/09/2011 10:14

Sorry, just seen she is actually 3.

ThePosieParker · 09/09/2011 10:14

MrGin. Could you take your dd to a class?

What classes/activities does she do already?

By Mum's do you mean your Mum's or taking her home?

SecondRow · 09/09/2011 10:15

Why not be the one to take her to singing or gymnastics or whatever it is on the regular day that you have the afternoon free? I presume parents stay and watch at that age, or do three year olds go alone?

cantspel · 09/09/2011 10:18

She is 3 and so there is NO class that can come any where near as important as spending time with her dad.

Who would send a 3 year old to singing classes anyway bit young imho

Merrin · 09/09/2011 10:23

Why not attend a singing class with her, my son still remembers the singing class we did (age 2 to 4) and its a great thing to do together.

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2011 10:23

Sorry just to clarify -- if you want to see her one afternoon a week and Mondays are being kept free, is there a reason you can't do Mondays?

I'm not sure I understand about picking her up from nursery -- you would just see her for the actual drive? How long would that be?

I could be projecting from my own experience as a child, but it's not always a good idea to have very abrupt visits like that -- she will be so excited to see you, and then what, 20 minutes later, have to go through the pain of saying goodbye again, while she's still so excited. (sorry if I'm not getting this bit right)

But overall I agree, I think time spent with daddy is so much more important than classes, unless it would be preventing your DD from doing something she really really loves.

TotemPole · 09/09/2011 10:25

It sounds like she's got used to you being so accomodating and is taking the pee a little.

And I agree with what SuePurblybilt said, I'd want to plan a particular day so I could arrange other things around it each week.

Original poster
MrGin · 09/09/2011 10:25

well, to be fair dd is rather into singing :)

But my XP isn't saying 'oh wonderful , you have time off, you can take / pick up dd from class X' , she's saying 'hmmm we'll see'

She has told me in the past that classes are more important than dad, I really had to bite my tongue at the time, and just put it down to her being awkward and unreasonable....

OP posts:
Original poster
MrGin · 09/09/2011 10:27

dreamingbohemian

thanks. I am trying to understand why the reluctance on XP's part and that makes sense about dd getting excited and then I leave.

I can't do all day in the week as work only allow partial days off for flexitime.

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 09/09/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cocoflower · 09/09/2011 10:28

I wish my Xp was like you.

I think you are right, yes your time is more important. You can fill your time with good activities too- reading, craft, looking at nature- maybe even you can sing with her anyway!

cantspel · 09/09/2011 10:29

Kids sing all the time for enjoyment. It doesn't mean they need to go to a class to do it.

I am sure your daughter would rather see and sing to you than miss extra time with you.

GypsyMoth · 09/09/2011 10:30

You are a parent, a normal parent and your child has a life. You should support her life/activities

Life shouldnt stop or be put on hold for this. Just pick up where the other parent left off and do the singing class pick up and drop off and share your dd life.

Original poster
MrGin · 09/09/2011 10:31

StrandedBear yes again I can see this, although I'd be walking dd home to her mums, hopefully staying for tea and leaving before bedtime routine starts.

But if the only available 'slot' is the afternoon, it's picking her up from nursery or not seeing her at all.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 09/09/2011 10:35

I think if you create a great routine then your dd will get used to it and that's good for all. Could you take her home and make tea on a WEdnesday and allow your XP get on with chores/shopping or something?

StrandedBear · 09/09/2011 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotemPole · 09/09/2011 10:39

although I'd be walking dd home to her mums, hopefully staying for tea and leaving before bedtime routine starts.

Do you have tea with them at any other time? It's like acting as a family and maybe she's concerned it will confuse your DD.

TotemPole · 09/09/2011 10:40

x-posted with StrandedBear.

AuntieMonica · 09/09/2011 10:44

have you thought perhaps your XP also looks forward to that special time when she picks your DD up, perhaps she's worked hard at getting her into a routine and now there's going to be more 'upheaval'?

i know you're talking about the benefit to your DD here, but your XP will most likely be thinking of the negatives...

SarahStratton · 09/09/2011 10:47

XP is quite difficult though...

TheSugarPlumFairy · 09/09/2011 10:48

OP we have a similar problem with DSD's mum so i feel your pain. I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest and as it happens if you went to court (and not saying you are headed in that direction but as a general principle on how the courts/CAFCASS look at these things) you would quite likely be awarded contact time at least one weekday afternoon per week and quite likely that would be extended to an overnight if you wanted it. The thought being that at least one sustained contact session between the child and the NRP should occur weekly to facilitate the parent/child family time. Leaving sustained contact to two weekly intervals is too long for small children and can leave them unsettled.

StrandedBear · 09/09/2011 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread