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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents-in-law having key to our house

60 replies

happygonicky · 07/09/2011 13:11

First post, so please be gentle!

Partner and I have just moved into our new flat and, in the first few weeks he gave a key to his parents for safe-keeping (they live an hour away). I didn't like this idea - have never given a spare key to anyone before (don't tend to lock ourselves out and it would be difficult to get out to parents-in-law to collect key if we needed it, anyway -would have locked wallet/travel pass/car keys in house too, presumably). But, it was a busy few weeks, so didn't think too much of it. But now I have - and have asked partner to ask for key back (opportunity has arisen for this to be done nicely and diplomatically) - and he's refusing.

AIBU to expect that I should have a say over who has keys to our flat? Parents-in-law v. nice, btw, and unlikely to drop in unexpectedly, but still...

OP posts:

upahill · 07/09/2011 13:45

My parents have a key to our house and they live 200 miles away.
I had no issue with MIL having a key when she was alive (she lived 2 mins away)

My thought was if me and Dh were involved in a car accident or had an accident when we were abroad at least parents could get in and get paperwork without hassle.

As long as they aren't intrusive no problem.

If I was expecting MIL and now with parents to be coming round and I guessed I mightn't be back in time I had no problem with saying go in and get a brew.

Flisspaps · 07/09/2011 13:45

If the opportunity has arisen to ask for it back, then why don't you ask for it back?

It's your house as much as DP's, but you are the one who would like it to be returned. He can't stop you asking.

upahill · 07/09/2011 13:46

happygonicky YABU . Don't make this into a battle of wills.

Pointless!!

MadamDeathstare · 07/09/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano · 07/09/2011 13:52

She seems a bit dictirial demanding DP get it back on the fluoride though?

Like I said. He gives key to who he wants on his side, she does te sane would be the compromise I would make

I would flip if my DH demanded I get my key back off my parents. He has every right to give a key to his parents

upahill · 07/09/2011 13:53

But surely if the DP wants to give his parents a key that is fine.

I know it is happys house too but there are some things that you don't have to ask permission for and I think giving a key to your parents is one of them. I can understand her not likeing it but I wouldn't go against it because it is a non issue really. I would save my battles for something important to be honest.

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 13:54

The key has to come back.

It is your joint home, both of you have right of veto over who gets a key. If one of you is not happy with X having a key, that is a right which must be respected.

Doesn't matter why.

A separate issue is that it is sensible for a key to be kept with an emergency contact, but they live an hour away, so that's not them. If you're not happy with it being with anyone in particular, it could easily be left at a place of work (usually not massively useful however when you return from holiday on a Sunday night to find yourselves locked out).

Be firm here -

a. Right of veto and respect on both sides for that right. He doesn't get to overrule you in this - and if he starts along this path, it doesn't bode well for happy houses and happy relationships.

b His parents. Oh do, do do warn him that if there is a possible choice in the matter, it is so, so so sensible NOT to make his parents a flashpoint in your relationship, unless there's no other option. He is opening up a whole world of pain if he does. You like them, yes? You get on with them, yes? Let's keep it that way. :) He does the 'sensible grown-up with partner of his own' thing, and he shows that he respects your right to choose who has a key to YOUR home more than he respects any perceived 'right' or desire of his parents to have a toehold. It's worth checking that one out, by the way: it's a little worrying that he won't ask for it back - why?? Because his parents will kick up a fuss, because they WANT to have a key? Bring that up, and be nice but utterly firm that if that's the case, then you really REALLY want the key back. And you'll ask for it yourself if you have to. And he doesn't want that.

upahill · 07/09/2011 13:59

Yeah lets make an issue why not?

Why doesn't happy ask herself why she doesn't like it.

It could give her DP a bit of comfort knowing his parents have a key but fuck him eh? What does it matter?

Surely in the possibilty of them both being killed or injured severly it would make sense that close releatives have a key rather than a neighbour.

And I'm not being melodramatic, it was an expierence that made me think this way.

LineRunner · 07/09/2011 14:01

An hour away is not that bad. My spare keyholder (exBF, bless!) only lives a mile away but if I locked myself out and rang him I'd expect him to take a good hour to get to my place - he'd presumably be doing something, like at work or in the pub - and I'd go to the local caff for a coffee or something.

If the PiL can just jump in a car, and you trust them, then that's not a bad deal.

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 14:01

'some things you don't have to ask permission for'

I don't agree, I think that it's a fundamental that you kind of have to both be ok with things happening, it's BOTH of your home. The issue is - that you know that if you had a problem with something happening that didn't have to happen, the other partner would say, 'Well I can't see the harm, but it's no difference to me really either way so fine, x won't happen.' Just courtesy.

Only works of course if you've not got one person trying to control every little thing. But - there'll be other things that OP thinks are fine that her partner will be unhappy with, for whatever reason of his own. Then the courtesy will work the other way. That way lies harmony, rather than a descent into point scoring and resentment. His parents don't need a key - bottom line. It's easy to respect OP's right to not want them to. So he should do that. It's not even logical for them to have one as they live so far away. I'd be more interested in why he wants them to have one!

TheFeministsWife · 07/09/2011 14:03

If you don't feel comfortable then YANBU and your DH should respect that. What is the likelihood of you BOTH losing your keys at the same time, not very likely at all.

My mum has a key to our house, but this comes from when my dd1 was a tiny baby and she was looking after DSD when I was in hospital having her. She could just let herself when needed, it's come in quite handy especially when the dds were babies as there were times when I would be in bed with baby till late morning after a bad night and would come down to find all the house work done, washing on the line, bottles washed and in the steriliser and a note to say she'd popped to the supermarket for stuff we needed. But I trust my mum not to abuse it, she never just lets herself in unless pre-arranged.

When I first lived with DH I moved in to his flat. His mum had a key, and used to just let herself in all the time as did his brother who also had a key and it drove me mental! I would come home from work sometimes to find her in my bedroom! Or find that his brother had been there with his kids and let them run riot go through my drawers, my jewellery would be strewn over the floor etc. In the end I made him add a mortice lock that only we had the keys to and we used it all the time.

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 14:03

It's exactly the opposite of fuck him - it's learning to compromise when you share something so fundamental as a home so that you never get to the point where both partners are saying 'Fuck him/her - I know she/he won't like X but sod it, why should I listen to him when he never listens to me...'

I'd want to have a say in who had a key to my house. I don't think that's so unnatural.

theyoungvisiter · 07/09/2011 14:06

Unless they're axe murderers why wouldn't they have a key to your house? I find it completely weird that you wouldn't want them to.

The world and his wife have a key to our house and very handy it is too - when you're on holiday and you get a call from your neighbour saying there's water coming through the wall, you might be very happy they have a key.

theyoungvisiter · 07/09/2011 14:10

I mean clearly if they start turning up unannounced at 6am or rifling through your fridge then you have a word - but isn't it normal to give close rellies keys in case of emergency?

I'm just struggling to understand what the downside would be.

My in laws have got a set of ours, so have my sister and my dad. So has a friend (who lives round the corner) and our cleaner. I just don't get why it's such an issue for you, and I'm guessing your DH is having the same "wtf" moment - also how can you ask for the keys back now he's given them, without a tacit "we don't trust you" implication?

upahill · 07/09/2011 14:13

But thefeministwife happys in laws aren't like to come and do what your IL's did - she says that.

What she wants his her IL's not to have their son's spare key even though he would like them to.

I would be hurt if my future daughter in law thought so little of me.
Like I keep saying you never know when you could be thankful.

Sure get a key cut for a friend or neighbour closer ,but why would you give it to a neighbour who you may not know that well than to someone in your family unit I don't know. Just because they are neighbour doesn't mean they are trustworthy.

Let the In laws keep the key even if it is only a symbolic gesture.

Crosshair · 07/09/2011 14:14

My PIL also have a key to our house and we have a key to theirs. Always thought it was something most families did.

upahill · 07/09/2011 14:17

It's exactly the opposite of fuck him - it's learning to compromise when you share something so fundamental as a home
Ok but why aren't you advising her to compromise with him then.
The doesn't necessary have to come back. She could listen to DP's side and perhaps be a bit sympathtic to him.

upahill · 07/09/2011 14:18

Me too croshair but we are in MN world

theyoungvisiter · 07/09/2011 14:22

yes I agree with upahill and crosshair - why should all the compromise be on the husband's side? The OP could compromise far more easily - it wouldn't involve hurting anyone's feelings.

All the practical arguments are on his side - it makes complete sense for the inlaws to have a key and there's no logic at all to asking for it back.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 07/09/2011 14:25

I see why it's a problem: it's the OP's home and access to her home has been given to a third party without her consent. I'd be furious if my DP gave a key to somebody else without us having agreed it. Equally, I wouldn't do it either.

When DP moved in, my parents already had a key. They feed the cats when I (now we) go away. Now, PILs have a key as well. We are both happy with this and that's why it's ok.

OP, I think it would be useful for you to work out why it makes you uneasy; you like them and trust them not to abuse the privilege, so it may be that it's a battle not worth fighting. DP's disregard for your feeelings about your home looks like the bigger issue here. Can you talk to him about that, without making it a battle for the key? If not, maybe it tells you something unpalatable about him and the relationship.

theyoungvisiter · 07/09/2011 14:29

It doesn't say it was without her consent - it says she didn't like the idea but she didn't think too much about it - "but now I have".

This implies to me that she did know about the key being handed over but has had second thoughts. OP, can you clarify which?

I agree it does make a difference whether her partner asked her or not, but honestly in my world at least it's SO normal to give your parents a key, I would probably just assume it was ok too. Unless there's a concrete reason it's basically a "fuck you" to the OP's parents as far as I'm concerned. It's saying, I don't know anything bad about you but I still don't trust you to have access to our house.

I can see why the OP's partner would be hurt about it. I would be too.

upahill · 07/09/2011 14:30

ShoutyHamster Wed 07-Sep-11 14:01:04
'some things you don't have to ask permission for'
I don't agree.

Well I work with the assumption that my DH is not a dick, perfectly sensible and quite capable of making decisions without running to me on certain things. (and vice versa)
Therefore I have no need to micro manage every aspect of the home and get him to ask permission before he wants to do something.

Now that would be controling.

We hav managed for 21 years to live very happy and respectfully together and not fall out of a key!!( or any other aspects of house management)

BranchingOut · 07/09/2011 14:37

I think having another keyholder is fairly sensible, as you say they are not likely to drop in.

I once locked myself out of our flat for an entire weekend, years ago. I got locked out on a Saturday morning and only got back in on Monday. Thankfully a friend turned up to see me on Saturday evening so I was able to go back to her place, but it was horrible just waiting around the streets. My partner was away for the weekend, it was before the days of mobile phones and everyone I knew was away for the summer! I was quite young and the £120 quoted by locksmiths was just not an option for me. I remember feeling very vulnerable.

ihatecbeebies · 07/09/2011 14:45

YANBU, it is your flat too so if you feel uncomfortable with them having a key then he should ask for it back.

Original poster

happygonicky · 07/09/2011 14:46

I did know about the key being handed over, but it was done so quickly I didn't really have time to think about it. You know what it's like when you've moved into a new house and there's loads to organise!

I think my reluctance stems from never having done this before - and my parents were very private people, so this wasn't something I grew up with. I accept that there are many good reasons for them to hold a key though, I do like and trust them and, as has been mentioned, it's a case of picking battles.

OP posts:

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