To get fed up with DH leaving stuff EVERYWHERE!

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Am I?

DH is a messy person by nature, but he is just taking the piss at the moment. He leaves cups, plates, wrappers and packets wherever he has been using them. Today this meant a half-drunk mug of tea on the dining table, 3 glasses in the living room and about 6 next to his bed, plus 2 crisp packets on the living room floor. Shoes and coats are left wherever he takes them off. Clean clothes and dirty clothes are all in one heap on the bedroom floor. There is a pile on the dining table of his "crap" things like work paperwork, a brochure he ordered, random bills of his etc. Furniture in our bedroom is piled high with things of his that he doesn't put away, everything from his passport to a pair of flip flops of his. He played football last night and his bag complete with a sweaty top thrown on top in in the kitchen, it was smack bang in the doorway this morning.

It's getting now so it really is out of control; I have a young toddler and it's hard enough to do housework as he gets up to allsorts when i'm busy, but in order to clean the house I have to tidy DH's crap away first, it takes ages. I have tried putting everything of his down by his side of the bed, explaining that I needed it out of sight to keep the house tidy and he retaliated by putting loads of clothes by of mine that he'd got out of drawers and cupboards in a heap by my side of the bed, even getting tags out of the bin for a pair of shoes I'd bought and throwing them on there too. He put DS to bed last night and just left the dirty nappy in the bedroom. Wet towels are again just left wherever he is when he finishes using them, whether that's on a living room chair or on the bannister or the hall floor.

I'm totally fed up with it, I'm very assertive and do tell him to put things away but he doesn't and won't. The house just feels like it's a mess ALL the time because he won't put things away. Even our 2 older children keep their rooms reasonably tidy and clean.

Another thing he always does that pisses me right off is as soon as anything needs doing, for example the kitchen needs cleaning after dinner, he goes "to the toilet" and sits on it for 45 minutes playing Angry Birds. He does this sometimes at the kids bathtimes and bedtimes too, just disappears into the downstairs loo. If I say can he be quick as X or Y needs doing, he says "Oh so I'm not allowed to go to the toilet now" and is really childish.

I just don't know what to do; I am a SAHM and am more than happy to do the housework/washing/ironing/cooking but not to be a servant cleaning up all his junk.

Re-reading your first message I would also 'lose' his passport and/or bills.

What everyone else said - he is treating you with appalling disrespect. What can you be getting out of this relationship that makes it worth having?

Think of the example this is setting your DS: it's teaching him that women exist to service men, and it's OK to bully a woman who doesn't service you adequately. Is that the kind of person you want your DS to become?

If I say can he be quick as X or Y needs doing, he says "Oh so I'm not allowed to go to the toilet now" and is really childish.

Isn't he immature? 'Can you be quick in the toilet because there are housework jobs need doing' still sounds like the way I used to treat my early teens. The piling-up-her-stuff thing is a toddler tantrum, isn't it?

he basically said it's not a huge deal is it, put it away properly or leave it.
Definitely leave it. If his mother notices, tell her why.

How long have you been together?

This rings alarm bells for me. He is vindictive and this is bordering on abuse.

You are not allowed to ask him to clean or move his stuff around (unless to clean them) and if you do he will trash your stuff! He is teaching you that you have to be his slave or he will punish you.

Your messages leave me with a horrible feeling in my gut. Perhaps because this is the sort of thing my ex used to do. He, after not very long, became violent. It is a sign of lack of respect for you and that he thinks you are there to serve him. He thinks he owns you I suspect and that he is entitled to treat you how he wishes.

Love this Shoutyhampster

Text to the manpig: 'I've left - there was barely room to move in the house for the piles of sheer disrespect you'd left me to clear up. Me and the kids are at xx, I'll call you tomorrow but will be busy between 2 and 3: I've got a solicitor's appointment and relate to sort out. Let me know if you want to start pulling your weight or whether you're just going to be busy once more pulling my neat, taken-care-of, tidy stuff out of the cupboards just to make the abusive point that you think I'm your slave and should just suck up your appalling treatment of me. Take care darling, bye x'

The things you said in your first paragraph I wouldn't have a problem with and DH and I do them all the time.

The things you said in your second paragraph I'd be worried about.

Your subsequent paragraphs - you sound angry and upset, and I'm sorry to hear it.

Just a another viewpoint. As seems to be the case people on here aften jump to extremes. Now, I'm not the tidiest person and I'm sure I know it drives my DH crazy sometimes. BUT, but there is a reason there is a pile of papers on my desk (bills to pay, invitations to reply to, kid's school work to sift through from last year....etc) ie life happens and it is not always tidy. I agree that his behaviour re emptying your cupboards / avoiding helping with the children is bang out of order and you need to sort that out together.

However, it is his home too, afterall. And it seems as though it's your way or nothing OP. Maybe you could agree some rules and then cut him some slack - some of the misdemeanors you list don't seem bad to me at all: There is a pile on the dining table of his "crap" things like work paperwork, a brochure he ordered, random bills of his etc. Furniture in our bedroom is piled high with things of his that he doesn't put away, everything from his passport to a pair of flip flops of his. He played football last night and his bag complete with a sweaty top thrown on top in in the kitchen, it was smack bang in the doorway this morning. OK, maybe his paperwork is 'crap' to you, but presumably he ordered the brochure because he wants to read it, leaving a passport and pair of flip flops out is hardly a terrible thing to do. Ditto leaving his football kit. Just leave the football kit for him to sort it out. I'm prob going to get flamed as everyone seems keen to boot him out of the house, but I'm suggesting you could maybe not see it all as designed to get at you. If he's naturally messy, he prob doesn't see it as a problem unless you say so.

YANBU. I would be livid. I wonder about his family background, how did his parents treat him (was his mother his dogsbody) and treat eachother (sorry if this is earlier in thread and I've not seen).

I wonder also if some men deep down feel that SAHMs all morph into some kind of Stepford Wife who are content to slave after her family - ie you are a wife and mother, that is what wives and mothers do. I see it a lot on here.

Lots of good advice on here.....its not going to get any better is it, unless you address it now. The lack of respect thing is key.

I feel so pissed off just having read your OP!! FFS what a nightmare.

Get a large box/chest and put his stuff in that. At least then it's out of your space/face and he knows where to go for stuff. Admit I wld find it hard not to chuck his cups etc in there too.

This goes beyond being a messy person though. Combined with the angry bird breaks, sounds to 'me' like he is opting out of family life/duties etc. And clearly he expects to do all but wipe his bottom. Any other issues going on?

betterwhenthesunshines - when the OP tried to reduce his mess by putting it in one place he took her clean things out of her drawers and took rubbish out of the bin and threw it on her clean things How is this okay? How is this normal? Just askin'

I don't think this is on the level of leaving the top of the toothpaste.

Also, continued campaign by OP to get her partner to not punish her for objecting to dirty nappies left lying around or asking for help with the kids is likely to escalate his reaction.

OP - good luck, but I have no idea what they answer is to your situation, I hope it all works out for you.

I do see the wealthy peoples side of it.

People who earn enough to pay 50% tax probably take little out of the economy. I would imagine their DC's are in private school, they don't claim benefits of any kind (now that CB is going), they probably use private doctors, they will pay large amounts of council tax on property.

So they in all liklihood are not using the state schools, NHS or benefits out of the economy but they are being made to pay half of their wages into a it when they take little out? Would you find that fair?

Just tell him that there's a direct relationship between a woman's sex drive and whether or not she feels motherly towards someone. Tell him that he's making you feel like his mother and it's really affecting your desire for him.
Men tend to respond to sexual incentives... (subtle ones, not bribery!)

wannabesybil - I agree with you! As I said in my last post, his behaviour with the cupboards was bang out of order. I never said it was Okay or normal. It is also very childish that he is disapperaing to the loo with computer games.

But I do wonder if the OP is quite set on imposing her high standards of tidiness and maybe he does feel as though he is being treated like a child? He is acting like a child at the moment, and like children, maybe he needs a few consequences (wet towels stay on the floor, his kit is left dirty....just ignore his passport - it's his problem if it gets lost). Otherwise it just becomes her constantly getting frustrated and feeling like she's always on at him, which isn't helpful for anyone. And some of his 'sins' don't sound at all out of the ordinary to me... jumper on the back of his chair, his 'crap' catalogue: the language also seems as though his stuff isn't allowed house room. Does he have any of his own space?

OP....this might be a bit leftfield, but I was thinking about your post a lot this morning.

In putting tags from the shoes on top of your stuff while making a mess of it, was he making a point about who had paid for the shoes? Or am I thinking too deeply. It was just such an odd thing to do!

I am a very messy untidy person myself, but this is not so much about the mess as about the man's spiteful bullying behaviour and his complete lack of respect for the OP. It is annoying to live with an untidy person, and if this man was the sort who makes a mess, but when called on it apologises and tries harder for a while it would still be tiresome, but it would not be as unpleasant as this particular situation, which is about a man who thinks he is entitled to do what he likes and punish his wife if she is anything other than a compliant slave.

The most worrying thing on this thread are the posts from women colluding in their own abuse.

I suppose it's easier for them to hide behind the delusion of "ah, bless him, he doesn't know one end of a hoover from t'other" then to wake up and realise that 'D'H is a nasty, bullying piece of misogynist shite.

You may or may not have a point better, but where does disappearing into the loo to play computer games when she has specifically asked him to help out with a specific job fit into all that? imo his behaviour is a clear indication that he is training the OP to know her place; to get it into her head that he is not up for any work, on any level; that the domestic stuff is her job, not his; punishing her if she doesn't comply.

Oh, FFS

Is someone really saying she should offer to sexually service him in return for him washing his own gym kit?

betterwhenthesunshines - doesn't sound like irrational high standards to me. And I live in a complete tip. However I take your point. The key would be how the OP's partner would react if she didn't do his washing or he couldn't find 'stuff' because the OP hadn't taken on the problem and put it away/found it for him. I think that would help sort out exactly where he was coming from.

Though, taking clean stuff out of drawers and putting eg teabags and potato peelings or whatever else was in the bin and putting it on the clean stuff, that is not really in the range of 'normal'. Normal is saying, 'give me a break, or at least somewhere I can put my stuff instead of nicely out of the way behind the bed out of sight'. I feel (could be wrong) is that the OP's partner is very clearly saying 'woman, know your place.'

OP, I feel so furious for you - your DH's behaviour is appalling. The idea that if you do what any reasonable person would do when dealing with a messy pig (ie stack up his stuff into one pile for him to sort out) then he will punish you means he is effectively closing down all of your options. He's saying - if it bothers you, you clean it up, but if you try to make him do it you will be punished - WTF?

My stomach aches for you and what must be an unbearable feeling of tension and frustration. I bet you dread him coming home don't you? I could live with a messy partner (in fact, I do, but he's not a pig and he does make an effort because he likes the house to be clean too), but I couldn't bear to be in your situation. In fact, I think it will not take long for his utter disrespect and abusive responses to destroy any feelings you might have for him. Then you won't want him to come home at all.

You must tell him that he is making you feel so distressed that you are very afraid you will eventually hate him and his presence in your home. And that this is not about the mess, which is a symptom of the much bigger problem of his awful attitude towards you and his lack of involvement in the care of his children. I wonder what they think of him and of your relationship?

If he refuses to accept your perspective and at least make a committment to treat you more respectfully, then your relationship will die.

One last point - if you know in your heart that he probably won't change, then I would suggest you start to develop an exit plan before you have the conversation with him (I think your DH is a spiteful and vindictive man, so if you do end up leaving, it is highly likely that he will try to make it very difficult for you, so you need to have a plan).