To get fed up with DH leaving stuff EVERYWHERE!

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

Am I?

DH is a messy person by nature, but he is just taking the piss at the moment. He leaves cups, plates, wrappers and packets wherever he has been using them. Today this meant a half-drunk mug of tea on the dining table, 3 glasses in the living room and about 6 next to his bed, plus 2 crisp packets on the living room floor. Shoes and coats are left wherever he takes them off. Clean clothes and dirty clothes are all in one heap on the bedroom floor. There is a pile on the dining table of his "crap" things like work paperwork, a brochure he ordered, random bills of his etc. Furniture in our bedroom is piled high with things of his that he doesn't put away, everything from his passport to a pair of flip flops of his. He played football last night and his bag complete with a sweaty top thrown on top in in the kitchen, it was smack bang in the doorway this morning.

It's getting now so it really is out of control; I have a young toddler and it's hard enough to do housework as he gets up to allsorts when i'm busy, but in order to clean the house I have to tidy DH's crap away first, it takes ages. I have tried putting everything of his down by his side of the bed, explaining that I needed it out of sight to keep the house tidy and he retaliated by putting loads of clothes by of mine that he'd got out of drawers and cupboards in a heap by my side of the bed, even getting tags out of the bin for a pair of shoes I'd bought and throwing them on there too. He put DS to bed last night and just left the dirty nappy in the bedroom. Wet towels are again just left wherever he is when he finishes using them, whether that's on a living room chair or on the bannister or the hall floor.

I'm totally fed up with it, I'm very assertive and do tell him to put things away but he doesn't and won't. The house just feels like it's a mess ALL the time because he won't put things away. Even our 2 older children keep their rooms reasonably tidy and clean.

Another thing he always does that pisses me right off is as soon as anything needs doing, for example the kitchen needs cleaning after dinner, he goes "to the toilet" and sits on it for 45 minutes playing Angry Birds. He does this sometimes at the kids bathtimes and bedtimes too, just disappears into the downstairs loo. If I say can he be quick as X or Y needs doing, he says "Oh so I'm not allowed to go to the toilet now" and is really childish.

I just don't know what to do; I am a SAHM and am more than happy to do the housework/washing/ironing/cooking but not to be a servant cleaning up all his junk.

2 x drinking choc mugs by bed now and clothes everywhere.
My DH just seems oblivious despite my nagging- and I'm not a tidy person.
Just gets on top of me - shaving hair in sink every morning etc.
He had mum who waited on him but he is in his bloody 40s now.
However- the retaliation bit of your dh strange and angry behaviour.

I agree with what others have said OP, the getting tags out of the bin is dickish, my DH is messy but he would never go that far!

Mine is still a work in progress and to be fair I know he is loads tidied than he used to be. Sometimes I have found what someone else suggested works because then DH understands why I do it, eg "if you put the towel properly flat over the radiator/bannister it will dry quickly, otherwise YOU will have a wet towel next time you come to use it.

I do the ironing and cleaning because DH cooks, we have a deal that whoever cooks the other person tidies up afterwards so the once in a blue moon I cook DH cleans workflow and loads dishwasher etc. You might need to try this if you do the cooking he should tidy up, if he doesn't then leave it until eventually they will be nothing to cook with or eat off.

I used to put his ironing away too but I have stopped that now because I say well then you will know where your trousers are because you put them away, although be prepared for them to not always make it to the wardrobe, there are two items of ironing on the floor in the bedroom now and I told DH last night he had no respect for my ironing. Hence it's a work in progress :)

this sounds exactly like my ex. who is my ex largely due to this type of piss taking behaviour. i hated him by the end.

OP he is being an inconsiderate, selfish arse.

hth

Minimouse888 - with plates and glasses, he tends to leave them next to his part of the sofa. I just let them pile up until he can pick them up.

I'd start by not doing his washing if it wasn't in the laundry basket and claim that I didn't know if he was planning to wear it again as it wasn't in the basket.
If a job needs doing and he goes to the toilet, keep the job for him coming out.
Get boxes or baskets for the stuff he leaves lying around on tables and dump it in there.
I would make clean towels, cups etc unavailable to him until he learned to put them in their proper places.
He is seriously out of order taking your things out of drawers and making a mess with them. How childish and inconsiderate.

Are you married to my husband! maybe they are twins?

Cheshire, don't iron for him!

Sorry posted too soon, but it?s just pure lack of respect. He sees you as a maid. And you?re letting him.

Personally I would (a) sit and explain calmly how this make you feel, and if that doesn?t work and I?m guessing it won?t, go on work to rule.

What I mean is do for him what you would routinely do for all members of the family cook etc.
But then hold him and your older children to certain rules, if clothes aren?t in the hamper they don?t get washed, if clean clothes are dumped on chairs etc. they get left there.

Cook dinner etc., but if he disappears off to the loo to avoid tidying up [I mean who over the age of 7 does that?] just leave it. Wash up enough so that you and the kids have plates etc for the morning but just leave his as for all the crap lying around the place buy a few large boxes and stick the stuff in there in the room where he has left it, then he can?t complain that you?ve lost it.

It will create work for you at the start, but weight it up a few weeks of extra work or the rest of your life?

Sounds petty and passive aggressive but sometime you have to fight pettiness with pettiness.

When I started the job I?m currently in OH got it in to his head that my working from home 2 days a week meant that I was at home sitting on my arse for an ?extra? 2 days a week [actually because of my meetings with the US and with Mumbai, my WFH days can start at 06:30 and go on solidly till after 23:00].

So I went on strike, and suddenly realised all the things I was doing even though I was working as many if not more hours than him.

Took him till he ran out of clean shirts till he noticed, he hadn?t noticed that we?d gone from take away once a week to every night or loads of others stuff.
He did find it funny at first, and in his words ?played along? which meant that he put a load of washing on.
And there it sat in the machine till Monday morning, because the laundry fairy had come along and taken them , hung them to dry and ironed them.

He had to buy a shirt on the way to work. Took them out Monday night and of course they smelled odd having spent 3 days in the washing machine, so he rewashed them and promptly forgot/got involved in an ebay bidding thing went to bed and ended up buying another shirt the next morning.

And then there was all the other stuff that he realised I did automatically like check that we had milk in [I hate the stuff], buying his toiletries, if he was out late leaving a plate for him in the microwave etc. Whereas if I was out we got take away. Sorting out the shopping on line so we didn?t have to battle Tesco?s/Sainsbury?s on a Saturday morning. .

Sounds really petty written down but it made him realise how much I actually did for him.
And started a real conversation, things aren?t perfect, but they?re better.

But as inconvenient and difficult as it was to me [and it was]I guess it will be harder for you

Or you could ask why your ?D?H disrespects you so much and why you allow it?

God that sounded really nasty at the end, sorry, but what I meant was is this the way he?s always been or has it grown? In that it?s happened over time and you?ve not realised how bad it was getting?

My OH is very messy (I am too but make more of an effort!) but I only really have to ask for him to put stuff away, or ask me where I want stuff putting

Sounds really childish and nasty of him to retaliate in the ways you mention though. What on earth is the point?

'Are you a pig? Or a toddler? No? Then pick up after yourself, I am not your servant'.

Fucking hate it when DH does it. I don't expect him to treat his home like an operatng theatre, but I also don't expect him to treat it like a hovel either.

It's the expectation that pisses me off soooo much. The thought behind it of 'oh I will just leave this here, someone will clear it up.'

Fuck. Off.

God this drives me to distraction. I bloody hate the idea of having to train a grown man someone who is meant to be my partner. Another one whose Mammy did everything for him.
After ten years together I have tried everything.
Putting everything in a bin bag and threatening to give it all away. We are talking screw drivers drills saws that he would leave lying around when we had very young children.
Actually giving aload of his clothes away. When he left them in a heap for two weeks next door to the laundry basket.
Having a sep walk in wardrobe just for him - he put things on the floor outside.
He is amazingly messy. He is not a person who finishes t hings unless its relevant to him.
I run a business, have young children take care of ALL the management of the house and yet he still thinks he doesnt have the time or gets very stressed if I ask him to do more than one thing or finish somehting he has started.
BUT what can you do either you it and feel hard done by and resentful, dont do it and nag him and feel petty or you kill himkick him out.
I think when you have children it changes I was incredibly resentful of thinking some grown ejit could not see mess and disarray when I was trying to ensure the house ran smoothly.
I do think though they really dont see it or rather if they do to them its not important to them its only a bit of mess is the logic.

This goes beyond being untidy.

He got all of your put away stuff out and dumped in a heap including rubbish from the bin to get at you!!!

This man has zero respect for his stuff or your stuff. Even worse he has zero respect for you as a person. As far as he is concerned he is more important than you or your children. You are they do be his skivvy and mother to his children.

Stuff his items into his draws as they are. Don't fold or clean them. As it comes it goes away, unwashed mixed with washed.

Oh and leave the sports stuff in the bag. If it is important to him he can sort it.

He is very disrespectful, immature and frankly a prick!

Did he not realise that chucking all the stuff out of your drawers isn't the same as you not cleaning up after him? They are not comparable. So the rule is "if you don't clean up after me I will trash your stuff"? If he doesn't get how different that is then he is stupid as well as a prick.

And hiding when it's time to tidy up!!!!! Or look after his own children!!!!!

What is good about this man because at the moment it sounds like nothing.

Oooh do you think time? To be honest ironing does not bother me at all because DH cooks and it does mean I can watch a programme whilst ironing. I just don't put it away anymore.

Plus I will never unblock the toilet, that is definitely mans work:)

OP, my DH plays Angry Birds on the toilet too...really pees me off given that we have two DCs including a newborn and I don't even have time to have a wee most days between breakfast time and him getting home from work.

Fortunately he is a bit tidier than your OH in other regards. And works his socks off in his day job, so I make allowances.

I was going to start a thread about DH and Angry Birds on the toilet. Good to know it's not just him!

angry birds on the toilet? I cant even begin to tell you what i imagined that was
Yep my dh is the same,he will tidy it up if i go on abit but has alittle paddy first about it not bothering anyone,i told him that a big crap in the middle of the dining table wouldnt bother anyone but i still wouldnt do one.
I stuff his stinking gym gear in hos work bag if he dumps it.

Agree with WhoseGotMyEyebrows.

Plus, it's all very well saying that people have to "accept" a partner's lower standards of tidyness, but if the OP is the person doing the cleaning, IMO she gets to say how tidy the place should be (ie she should be able to put a limit on how much crap she has to shift prior to cleaning the place). Her DH has NO right to make things harder for her.

PS If my DH had pulled the "taking all my neatly folded clothes out of my drawers and dumping them on the floor and then throwing stuff from the bin on them" stunt, I would've gone absolutely fucking spare. OP, please tell me you gave him a swift kick up the arse for being so disrespectful to you.

"I have tried putting everything of his down by his side of the bed, explaining that I needed it out of sight to keep the house tidy and he retaliated by putting loads of clothes by of mine that he'd got out of drawers and cupboards in a heap by my side of the bed, even getting tags out of the bin for a pair of shoes I'd bought and throwing them on there too."

You see this show that this is not about carelessness or messiness.

If he was just shit at picking up after himself (which my DH can be) he would understand your frustration at the crap left all over the house and why you put it where it would only bother him.

Pulling your (tidily put away) stuff out of cupboards to throw it on the floor to punish you for pulling him up on his slovenly behaviour is really, really out of order.

It changes his behaviour from carelessness to calculated disrespect.

He has told you that he feels he is entitled to leave shit (literally in some cases) wherever he drops it and that you must deal with it.

That is extremely worrying.

What did you do after his abusive dispay of pique that you weren't happy to be his skivvy?

I would have asked DH to pack his bags if he ever treated me like that. It's appalling.

YANBU

it is infuriating to live with that sort of behaviour. You will not change his behaviour until he wants to change. From his point if view, it is easier to be messy, to not bother. He is not stressed by mess, clearly. It is not important to him. His job is important to him, and he would not like it if you sabotaged that. At the moment you are trying to look after the dcs and home for your 'job' he is sabotaging you.

I don't think he gets how much it matters to you that you want to make a success of keeping a nice home and looking after the dcs. For him to change, he has to see what benefit it will be to him. He knows you are not happy, that is probably why he has retreated to the loo. If he really understood how upset you feel about the mess he would not have retaliated that way, if he cares for your feelings.

So spell it out why you are unhappy. Be specific, that you are feeling that he is making it hard for you to get things done and that you need him to do more in terms of tidying after himself and engaging with you and the dcs.
Tell him that you'd be a lot happier and nicer to be around if he'd make that effort. It doesn't seem important to him, but it is to you.

Bringing up your dcs is one of the most important things you will do together and you only get one shot at it. Tell him you're taking the responsibility seriously and for you that means being able to keep a nice house. For him it probably means earning money, which is valid, but he may think that you are a great mum and see the state of the house at the bottom of his list. He has to really get why it matters to you.

Hope you can sort it out.

Men are perfectly capable of seeing dirt and mess. They just think it's your problem.

I find it seriously depressing how many of you have to put up with this kind of crap behaviour :(

I'm horrified that he 'retaliated' against your perfectly reasonable act of piling his crap on his side of the bed so you could clean. What a selfish, childish, over-entitled dick. It would have been a make-or-break moment for me, actually.

When I met DH he was a messy person. Still would be, left to his own devices. But he made a conscious effort to improve when we moved in together - respecting the fact his mess bothered me even though he was fine with it. And he stepped it up even more when we had DS1 because he's an adult who's capable of understanding the safety issues around leaving empty cups and glasses where toddlers can reach.

Don't get me wrong, he's still messier than I'd like. But I love him even more for the fact he makes the effort.

The mistake is that people put up with it at the start and then it is far more difficult to change it. His mother must have allowed it and now he has swapped his mother for you. You need to make it quite clear that it is equally his house and you are not his mother. I still think my idea of dumping it in the loft each day is a good one-or garage, garden shed etc.