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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this just an unusually early bedtime or a sign that something is amiss?

97 replies

Moulesfrites · 06/09/2011 13:37

We spent saturday at pils and stayed overnight. Bil and sil were there too. They have 2 ds's, with a 11 m age gap. Oldest dd is 16m. She had some pizza for lunch at about 2 pm. At 6 pm bil and sil said they were going to put her to bed. I was confused as she hadn't had any tea, and they said "oh no, she's usually in bed at 4pm". Aibu to be a bit Hmm at this? Mil was horrified as she thinks it means the dd is under stimulated. Bil works nights at a call centre so mil thinks the early bedtime is so that they are in bed by the time bil goes out to work as sil can't cope with it alone.

Now in some ways I can sympathize, I have a 7mo ds and bath/ bedtime is a 2 man job! I am lucky that dh is around at bedtime, but if I had to do it myself I would, but 2 might be trickier. I'm sure a lot of people manage though. I just can't believe she goes to bed at 4! Does anyone else have a bedtime this early? Apparently she sleeps until 7am. Aibu to think this is unusual or am I just bitter because my ds is nowhere near sleeping through yet?

OP posts:
Nagoo · 06/09/2011 20:42

You need to say something, or get MIL to.

I'm disturbed by this. How is your DN when you see her?

What about the baby?

talkingnonsense · 06/09/2011 20:42

It sounds odd, especially if she has no evening meal. However my very dear friend's dd, who is 13 months, falls asleep at about 6.30 and during the summer holiday ( when she didn't have to be woken), slept almost every day till 930! That is a similar length of time sleeping, so you may not need to panic. This baby does eat very well though, and is gorgeous ( am broody as know her through our 12 year olds!).

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 20:43

It is very bizarre that she doesn't wake earlier for food. Either they are drugging her or she is ill in some way.

The food issues are a big concern, does your SIL give her a meal ever, or does BIL do it before he goes to work?

strictlovingmum · 06/09/2011 20:45

How would you sil react if you were to try and talk to her about it?, How close are two of you?, maybe she is finding it hard and using this strategy to sort of make it easier on herself.
How does your sil feels in herself?
If unable to cope for whatever reason this maybe her way of dealing with the situation, of course it's not right, but at same time I am of the opinion this situation should not be just left alone.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/09/2011 20:46

Yes my DS1 went through a phase of sleeping 14 hours, but he was eating massive amounts and still BFing. He was about 22 months. It was a growth spurt and then he ate less and slept less. It was a phase, not ongoing.

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 06/09/2011 20:46

I think my bil does most of it tbh. I think the reason he got this call centre job (think is about 5 til 10 every evening) was so that he can be around during the day, and now apparently for bedtime.

The baby seems well too but is also apparently a "great sleeper" - sil told me at my ds christening (when he was going through the 4m sleep regression from which we have yet to recover!) that her dd2 was going through the night. She was 4wo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moulesfrites · 06/09/2011 20:48

I would talk to her, we do get on, not exactly close, but things are a bit awkward as my dh and bil had a bit of a falling out a few weeks ago and so things a little frosty, although I did try my best to be friendly at the weekend.

OP posts:
strictlovingmum · 06/09/2011 20:49

I agree children do go trough this stage of "mental growth spurt" where they actually need their sleep more, in order to absorb and assimilate properly everything they are learning so rapidly, but it is only a brief stage, in conjunction with a very good nutrition.

carabos · 06/09/2011 20:49

My sil reckoned that her DD1 was sleeping through at 4 weeks from 8pm till 7am. After 10 days of that DN was back in hospital for failure to thrive.

festi · 06/09/2011 20:51

I would be very carefull talking to your sil as I did and my other sil mentioned not knowing the other had and my sil did not take it well and has carried on regardless. My brother was a bit annoyed that anyone would even considert that it was unreasonable to have thier dd in a firm routine.

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 06/09/2011 21:20

yes, that is why I feel a bit wary of discussing it festi as, as I said, they can be quite defensive.

OP posts:
Callisto · 06/09/2011 21:21

Sleeping through the night at 4 weeks old? That really is not normal. All babies of that age need regular feeds. Have they done some hideous 'cry it out' with her from day one so that she doesn't bother crying even when hungry because she knows she will be ignored? I really hope not.

I think your best course would be to talk to your MIL about it. If she doesn't tackle your SIL then ask your HV what the best course of action is. Horrible for you though.

festi · 06/09/2011 21:28

I think talk to mil about it also. it is a difficult situation for you but also depends how far you go with it how confidenat you are in your sil other parenting skills.

Sookeh · 06/09/2011 21:31

This sounds really weird to me.

Was it maybe a bragging thing? Maybe she actually doesn't go to bed at that time but said it to "prove" how well she was coping?

Poor little mite Sad

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 06/09/2011 21:33

That seems early, and not enough food imo!!

That said my dd and ds 2 and 4 go to bed at 6pm and are asleep by 6.30. And wake at 7.30. This is what works for us. They eat well and we go for a walk or to a park every night before bed. We've had many relatives comment 6 is too early, we tried 7 it made them veeeery grumpy!

zookeeper · 06/09/2011 21:38

Surely if the baby wasn't eating from lunchtime each day until breakfast time the following day she would be emaciated? If doesn't make sense.

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 06/09/2011 21:40

I agree it doesn't zookeeper. I can't understand it, just feel that something isn't right.

OP posts:
LaWeasel · 06/09/2011 21:48

I don't think it really adds up. Not saying that you are lying at all - but perhaps the "they're amazing sleepers" thing is just an out and out lie. So DD2 didn't sleep through at 4wks, and DD1 gets up in the evening and has dinner with mum while dad is out, or up earlier in the morning for breakfast, and for some unknown reason SIL just doesn't want to admit this.

Because if the DDs are healthy and happy that doesn't fit with being underfed and a genuine cry it out type approach, which means they don't bother trying to get attention from their parents any more.

(My DD that spent a lot of time playing in her cot in the AMs btw, had an electronic mobile on her cot with buttons etc. When she moved to a bed I put it away and she suddenly seemed much less amused by spending loads of time in bed. Sometimes there are silly explanations that you don't think of.)

skybluepearl · 06/09/2011 21:50

It does sound like a rather long sleep maybe? Does the child actually sleep that long? Does the child need that much sleep to be OK while awake? Is she having a growth spurt maybe? As long as she has enough food/drink during the day then I wouldn't be concerned about refreshments.

At 16 months mine needed a two hour day time nap. They would then be in bed for the night at 6pm only to wake at 7am. They thrived with this much sleep and are very bright, happy and co-ordinated for their age. On less sleep they would have been whingy and sullen children.

At the other end of the scale are people who put their toddlers to bed at 10 or 11pm and thats also of some concern.

LaWeasel · 06/09/2011 21:51

Of course if your SIL feels the need to lie about strange things/struggles to be alone with her DC when they're awake then it sounds like she needs some help and support.

BoysRusxxx · 06/09/2011 21:51

Thats really odd. Did you not say anything about her not having tea at the time?

Did you sleep over? Did her DD actually sleep until 7?

My Sil is a bit of an exaggerator and she used to say her ds (20ish months) slept from 6pm until sometimes 11am and then had a three hour nap during the day Hmm

I sson found out when we went to stay that he actually went to bed at 6pm but woke at 5am for a while and then woke at 6am for the day and only slept for 1 hour a day!

Original poster
Moulesfrites · 06/09/2011 21:55

yes, we stayed. It's a big house, so I didn't hear when she got up, but MIL said it was 7 as they went in to get her and the baby so BIL and SIL could have a lie in.

I agree she must be exaggerating or boasting although it is an odd thing to boast about. But this in itself is worrying, as Laweasel says.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 06/09/2011 21:56

yes and some days we would have to jolly the kids along till 6 as infact they were ready for sleep after a long and full exciting day

Hatesponge · 06/09/2011 21:57

It seems v v early to me.

I've always found 6.30 bedtimes early (mainly because I don't get in from work til after that, so my DC have never gone to bed before 8ish even when they were v small) but 4pm!....and sleeping through. Seems a lot of sleep, especially if she has a daytime sleep as well. And not a great deal of food. I suppose though if she's asleep so much, she can't be doing the usual toddler running around and burning off energy. Was she quite happy to sit down and play quietly or did she seem fairly active? I think if the former that would add to my concern.

The tricky part is what you do about it though, especially as SIL is defensive. I hope it is just exaggeration on her part.

BoysRusxxx · 06/09/2011 22:09

Ye it is odd to lie about that kind thing but some mothers can be very competitive especially that you have a young baby too.

My DC were born 11 months apart and it is very hard work the first few months. I used to find the bedtime hour very hard when dp was out but ds2 was a terrible feeder so it was mainly down to that. It can be a big change for anyone. I suffered terrible post natal anxiety and barely remember the first few months as i was so tired Sad so she could be finding it difficult to cope at the moment.

In saying that, i still dont understand why she wouldnt feed the child. If it was my baby going that long between feeds, id be getting him checked out. My ds1 was a very easy going baby and never cried for a feed (would just mooch around) But even he would be crying after that long without feed.

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