Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel patronised?

77 replies

stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 08:47

My elder two dc are 6 and 5. Their school is 5 minutes walk from my house. Last week I decided to let them walk themselves to school as a pair. They have very strong road sense, its something thats been instilled in them since they were around 2.5 years old. They regularly cross it to go to their friends house.

Anyways, a few days into them walking by themselves, i got pulled aside and told off by the teacher. Apparently its a school policy that they dont walk themselves until primary 3. Reason...safety. I said I understood it was school policy and so would now walk them again, but that I did feel a little annoyed/patronised that I would let my children do something I didnt think they were responsible/capable of. Also, I have another two DC aged 3 and 18 months. It was a lot less stressful trying to get us all out the door (and yes I have routine, just sometimes it doesnt always work with 4 dc!)

Was IBU to let them walk alone at that age? AIBU to feel a bit patronised?

OP posts:
lazarusb · 06/09/2011 10:47

OP- Don't worry. I've done things in the past with my dcs and had others point out different angles & viewpoints which made me review and (sometimes) change my decision. As you say, we all make mistakes, that's being a parent for you. You sound like you are coping quite well with your separation - I don't mean to sound patronising btw Blush, it can be difficult to readjust. Put this one down to experience. Maybe the teacher is just trying to 'keep an eye' on you? Not saying she should be but perhaps her intentions are good! Smile

MajorB · 06/09/2011 10:49

You said in your OP that "it was a lot less stressful trying to get us all out the door" which is why there's the assumption that you were doing it for an easy life.

Looks like you've been a victim of your kids using the old "but all my friends do it mum, pleeeeeasse can I too?" line & we've all fallen foul of that before (or will do at some point in the future).

Sorry that you're having a tough time of it, is there anyway your ex/your family could be more supportive?

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 10:49

My last post sounds bloody patronising !

gah

Original poster
stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 10:51

As you said AF, if you choose to have four children so close together you deal with it, and I do. Most days things are fine.

I think she was probably just concerned about eldest DC welfare which is fair enough. Obviously its an emotive subject and she seemed pretty disgruntled about the whole thing.

I have no problems accepting help as such. If its offered in the right way.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 10:53

Fair enough.

Original poster
stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 10:55

it was a lot less stressful in terms of being able to focus on the elder two and not worry so much about the younger two, but that wasnt part of the making the decision itself.

No it wasnt patronising AF!

I think I manage fine with the kids, I obviously have days where I do doubt myself over some things, but I will get used to making the sole decisions and so having the sole responsibility. I dont lack confidence with making decisions regarding my children, but I maybe feel sometimes I would like more unbiased opinions if there are big ones to be made.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 06/09/2011 10:55

I'd be asking the teacher where her authority was to dictate to a parent about what a child can or cannot do when A, the child is not in her care and B, the action being objected to is not occurring within school hours.

There is no way that they can enforce a policy like that any more than they can enforce a policy stating that DC must only wear pink socks on Sundays.

However, I wouldn't be in your position to start with as I too think 5 and 6 far too young to be going out without a responsible adult.

BimboNo5 · 06/09/2011 10:57

My DD is 6 and never in a month of Sundays would I let her walk to school alone, she is a dippy Dora though.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 11:03

It can be actually very difficult to offer support and understanding without appearing patronising. A fine line innit.

Some people are much better at it than others. Maybe the two teachers tossed a coin as to who had the difficult job of approaching you. I am sure it is one of the least favourite parts of a teacher's job. I am always very supportive of teachers. Not saying you aren't, stay btw. Like you said, you have changed your mind in this circumstance.

Not everyone is supportive of teachers though.

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/09/2011 11:11

Our teachers would have spoken to you as well, its far too young to be responsible enough to be out alone going places. It takes a second to be distracted and they may not be old enough to deal with stranger danager etc. As another poster has said, if you choose to have lots of children then you do that knowingly in the knowledge that getting them all ready to go out will take some time.

Our school doesnt allow children to leave without a parent until year 6 so 10 years.

jalopy · 06/09/2011 11:11

Agree with Anyfucker. Your kids are too young. You're looking for an easy way out of avoiding the school run with four young kids.

dirtydishesmakemesad · 06/09/2011 11:12

I wouldnt let my 6 and 4 year old walk on their own. My children are pretty much the same age (6,4,2 and 1) so i do understand how much of a faff it is but I dont think they have the judgement to deal with unexpected situations on their own at that age.

To get all of them out of the door on time have to make sure we aim to leave earlier than needed and use the double buggy rather than letting 2 year old walk then even if shes having a little meltdown about something i just throw clothes on her strap her in and go.

GypsyMoth · 06/09/2011 11:14

Year 6!!!!

Ours go off to middle school in year 5.....on a school bus! They are responsible for getting themselves to bus stops, then into school and back again!

And happymummyofone..... Op says, again, it has NOTHING to do with other children snd everything to do with the dc WANTING to walk alone!!!

worraliberty · 06/09/2011 11:15

Allowing a child to leave school alone is totally different to 'allowing' them to arrive alone because the latter means they're not in the school's care to begin with.

Imo they can only enforce this policy if there is no playground supervision.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 06/09/2011 12:30

YABU imo. A 6 yo is not old enough to be able to judge the speed and distance of cars. They might be lucky most of the time but it's not worth the risk. They are also not old enough to be responsible for a 5 yo sibling.

redexpat · 06/09/2011 13:11

YANBU. I would ask to have a copy of all school policies so you know about nanny state mollycoddling them in advance next time.

Bunbaker · 06/09/2011 16:18

"Imo they can only enforce this policy if there is no playground supervision."

DD's primary school had no playground supervision before school. We often used to get letters from the school asking parents not to drop their children off before 8.50 am because there was no supervision before then.

abouttotaketheplunge · 06/09/2011 16:27

I wouldn't allow a 6 and 5 year old walk to school alone regardless of their 'road sense' They are still 6 and 5 with their heads in the clouds at times.

There was an attempted abduction here recently, ncie area, cul de sac where all the kids play out together. Think about the fact that while not everyone is out to harm your kids, there are some people that will!

verytellytubby · 06/09/2011 16:36

I'm very easygoing negligent but I think 5 and 6 is far too young.

onehellofaride · 06/09/2011 16:36

just out of interest would the people who would be happy with their DC walking to school themselves at 5 and 6 leave them alone in the house?

scrambedeggs · 06/09/2011 16:47

Do you have to talk to them every second scrambedeggs? grin

apparently not, not even every second day it appears :)

Catslikehats · 06/09/2011 16:51

Well I said I allow my eldest DC's (5 & 6 ) to walk to friends/shop so depending on circumstances I might allow them to walk to school if it was near.

I have left them in the house alone for short periods (5 min or so)

Pendeen · 06/09/2011 18:38

Yes i felt patronised by the teacher. Her expressions and tone of voice, more than the policy

That probably says it all.

CurrySpice · 06/09/2011 19:41

I'm sorry you felt patronised OP I know what you mean about feeling that people are watching you as a SP to see that you're doing The Right Thing. Of course, they're not Wink but I know the feeling

Having said that, I think the teacher was right to have a word with you as I think the kids are a bit young. If she was snippy, that's a shame but she might just have had a pig of a day and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time

halcyondays · 06/09/2011 20:10

YABU. I'm surprised that you thought the school would be happy with it, even if you thought your children were capable. I do think 5 and 6 is too young however sensible they may be. Even when I was at school in the 1980s, children usually didn't start walking to school by themselves until at least 7 or 8.

It doesn't sound as if the teacher was being patronising, she was just reminding you about the school policy.

At our school you have to stay with them in the playground in the morning until the teacher comes out, you can't drop them off early and leave, for the youngest ones. If they allowed 5 year old to walk to school, they could arrive early and get up to all sorts in the playground with nobody there to supervise. The school wouldn't want to be held responsible for any accident that might occur when they were on school grounds.