Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to feel patronised?

77 replies

stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 08:47

My elder two dc are 6 and 5. Their school is 5 minutes walk from my house. Last week I decided to let them walk themselves to school as a pair. They have very strong road sense, its something thats been instilled in them since they were around 2.5 years old. They regularly cross it to go to their friends house.

Anyways, a few days into them walking by themselves, i got pulled aside and told off by the teacher. Apparently its a school policy that they dont walk themselves until primary 3. Reason...safety. I said I understood it was school policy and so would now walk them again, but that I did feel a little annoyed/patronised that I would let my children do something I didnt think they were responsible/capable of. Also, I have another two DC aged 3 and 18 months. It was a lot less stressful trying to get us all out the door (and yes I have routine, just sometimes it doesnt always work with 4 dc!)

Was IBU to let them walk alone at that age? AIBU to feel a bit patronised?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 06/09/2011 09:27

Lovely school policy eh!!
You sound like you've lost confidence in your parenting ability !!

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 09:37

Not at all, it means something has been brought to my attention that I hadnt considered. I would hate for my six year old to end up feeling responsible or guilty should anything happen. As a mother, I would obviously feel and be responsible. I hadnt considered my six year old would too and who would want that for their child?

OP posts:

seeker · 06/09/2011 09:39

Oh, don't be stupid, ilovetiffany!

GypsyMoth · 06/09/2011 09:43

Well you previously felt comfortable with it, and now you ate saying you will stop them crossing road to play with their friends, who all cross over themselves anyway!

And your title says you feel patronised

Er, I'm not seeker

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 09:45

Stay hasn't lost confidence in her parenting ability. She has reconsidered something in the light of new angles she hadn't thought about.

I call that good parenting ability

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 09:49

Yes i felt patronised by the teacher. Her expressions and tone of voice, more than the policy.

Yes I did feel comfortable but as said, I had never considered the responsibility angle for my eldest child. That makes me uncomfortable. Not lacking in confidence ILT.

OP posts:

MajorB · 06/09/2011 09:51

When you're looking at the pros and cons of an idea, and on the pro side you have "makes my life a bit easier" and on the cons side you have "does NOT ensure the safety of my children", yet you still see that idea through to fruition, I think it's time to rethink where your priorities lie.

6 and 5 is too young, I'm very glad this teacher pulled you up on it.

Bunbaker · 06/09/2011 09:51

If it is the school's policy about children being taken to school by an adult until P3 why don't they specify this in a letter when your child starts school?

GypsyMoth · 06/09/2011 09:53

Did you say to your 6 year old that they had to 'look after' the 5 year old then?

seeker · 06/09/2011 09:56

It was stupid to say that the op had lost confidence when several times she has said that on reconsidering the situation, she has come to the conclusion that she would prefer not to do it. That's not losing confidence, it's having the confidence to change your mind. Whether or not the teacher was patronising is another matter entirely.

GypsyMoth · 06/09/2011 09:59

Seeker...... Where did I say op has lost confidence. I said she sounded like she had ! There is a difference. It's stupid nit to read a post properly!!! Not to have an opinion!

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 10:00

Everyones opinion has been welcome.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 06/09/2011 10:02

When the teacher said the reason was 'safety', did she elaborate?

My local Infant school doesn't allow the kids to come to school alone because the playground is unsupervised.

In fact, the Head had to repeatedly warn a Mother not to keep dropping her child off at 8am (school starts at 8.55) and then going to work and leaving her in the playground.

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 10:04

No she didnt specify exactly what, just safety.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 06/09/2011 10:09

Is the playground supervised do you know?

At my Infant school it's not practical to supervise it because it's far too crowded and the gate opens straight onto a main road....therefore the teachers couldn't realistically make sure lone kids weren't walking out or even if a stranger took one out of the gate (unlikely, but they would still be in trouble for it)

DoMeDon · 06/09/2011 10:13

Depending on where you live- YANBU to let them walk to school.

I don't think it should be up to the school to make these decisions but I think they are forced to, due to some parents total lack of sense. (like worra's tale of a mum dropping her child off an hour early!) Anyone in authority has a legal duty of care to children and they usually form blanket policies to be on the safe side.

Well done for following this rule, even though you disagreed with it.

YANBU to feel patronised if that was your experience. Agree with AF it is often defensive - people do get defensive even when they are not wrong, just because their decision is being questioned. Maybe you didn't have 100% faith in your decision?

takethisonehereforastart · 06/09/2011 10:14

I remember reading an article about children crossing the road and it did say that children aged seven and under should be supervised because they still don't have the abilities to accurately judge speeds or the risks involved.

Obviously you still need to teach them about road safety from a young age, but their brains and skills are still developing and they don't see the dangers in the same way as older children or adults (hopefully) do.

I can't find the article but I did find these:

child safety week - this has some good advice about road safety if you follow the green links, and goes as far as to say that children under nine should always have an adult with them when they cross the road.

motoring trust

Interestingly though, both these links point out that it is teenager that are at far greater risk of being killed or injured by cars and the second one says that boys on foot or travelling by bicycle are at four times the greater risk than girls doing the same. In cars the risk for both equals out.

scrambedeggs · 06/09/2011 10:25

i hate seeing little kids having to walk to school without a mum or dad

its so sad, they like to chatter on their way there and back and tell you all about stuff - we used to practice our spellings.

Mind you most of the mums walking to school in this area cant be surgically removed from their phones anyway so pointless I suppose. No wonder so many kids have issues with speech these days if they never get spoken to conversationally

Laquitar · 06/09/2011 10:25

Tbh i don't even see it as much easier to you.
You have to get up anyway, dress them and give them breakfast, watch them from the window etc, you might aswell cross the road with them it wont make big difference to your schedule.

I'm a bit fed up with the defensiveness and the 'confidence in your parenting' etc that we hear and read everyday. I will never forget a thread about a step father bullying a child and the majority of posters said 'you cant undermine his parenting, you have to respect his parenting style'.

Not everything is about the parent's ego.

A 5 and a 6 yo together can easily be distracted and not follow the road safety rules imo.

Laquitar · 06/09/2011 10:28

Do you have to talk to them every second scrambedeggs?

zelda1982 · 06/09/2011 10:32

My dd1 is a very sensible 7. There is about a 5 minute walk and 1 road to cross which has a lollypop man (dont know if thats the acceptable name) but i still wouldn't let her go alone. I like to make sure she walks through the gates and into her line before i leave her. But each to their own and all that...

Original poster

stayforthekids1 · 06/09/2011 10:34

I dont think I felt defensive but if I did, its probably more due to the fact I am recently separated. My eldest a week or so ago was having a few issues and getting tearful in class over silly things as the teacher put it and so I explained to her that I was separated and that it was recent and was likely to be why my eldest was having these issues, adjusting to the whole situation. Since then I have felt a little watched by the teacher, as though because I am a single mother now to four young dc, I may not be 'coping'.

Anyhow, the decision to let the older two walk to school had nothing to do with making life easier. The walk to school is often handy for me to nip into the nearby shop and pick up things I need for the day. Being a single parent means I dont have the freedom I used to, to just go out and get things, I need to plan everything around having the children at all times. It was my eldest asking me if she could. I presumed some of her friends did, which was why she wanted to, but she has friends in primary 3 as well, so it may well have been those she was seeing walk to school. She loves responsibility and I gave it serious consideration based on her wish to and the fact she already crosses the road to see her friends. A few more minutes up the road didnt seem like an unreasonable request nor did I feel she and her sister would be unsafe.

However as I have said, there are a few angles I didnt consider that I probably should have done. We all make mistakes.

OP posts:

LatteLady · 06/09/2011 10:39

The journey to and from school is a grey area as far as policies are concerned. The school may insist that children under an age of their choosing are picked up by a responsible person but they cannot instruct you on how they get into school, this is your responsibility as a parent.

Our local school is less than two mins around the corner from where we live and I know my neighbours have allowed their children to go unaccompanied.

I wonder if the teacher is actually aware of where your house is and that you watch the children walk to school? How you bring up your children to become independent learners is up to you. I would have another chat with the teacher and make the HT aware of what is happening. If this escalated to be a complaint as a Chair of Governors, I would have to side with the parent as they are responsible for the children as they make their way to school.

At the age of 7 I was walking the two miles to school on my own and crossing a dual carriage way... amazingly I did survive to adulthood.

Laquitar · 06/09/2011 10:39

I didn't know you have another two stay. In this case yes it makes difference to you as you will have to get them all out if the door. Can a neighbour help?

AnyFucker · 06/09/2011 10:42

stay I don't think you need to justify yourself, really

do you think the teacher, in a very hamfisted way, was offering you sympathy/help ?

If I was one of your friends/neighbours and I was taking my own kids to school, I would offer to take yours too. Sometimes accepting help/genuine concern when you are determined to be brave and bloody well manage can be a difficult thing to do. Four kids under 6 must be very trying to manage on your own.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread