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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand people that spend a disproportionate amount of money on weddings

38 replies

Hammy02 · 05/09/2011 15:26

to the amount they earn/have in savings? Why get in debt for something that lasts one day at the most? I'm only asking as I work with someone that is always moaning about how small her flat is and how 'lucky' I am that I have a bigger house. Erm. I had a tiny wedding so had £20,000 extra to add to deposit. She spent £35,000 on her wedding. I have bitten my tongue so far but she is doing my head in.

OP posts:

scrambedeggs · 05/09/2011 15:27

dont know

the debt will probs last longer than the marriage though in lots of cases

VFVF · 05/09/2011 15:28

Ok £35k is a lot.

But memories are priceless IMO

scrambedeggs · 05/09/2011 15:28

you could still have the same memories for a third of that

but showing off is priceless, I agree :)

mousesma · 05/09/2011 15:29

I don't get it either but if that's how people want to spend their money then fair enough.

DontGoCurly · 05/09/2011 15:30

I can't fathom it either.

I mean there are so many better things to spend money on. It baffles me.

A friend of mine spent thousands on hers and she looked awful. She could have had an extreme makeover for the price she paid. I mean I don't get it!

TheVermiciousKnid · 05/09/2011 15:31

We spent about £150 - still have priceless memories. :)

issey6cats · 05/09/2011 15:32

agree that sometimes weddings become a runaway train financially we spent around £1000 on everything for our from food to clothes and venue and we had a wonderful day

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 05/09/2011 15:32

We spent a disproportionate amount on our wedding. About £12K, not including the honeymoon, which is a hell of a lot more than we had hoped, and more than we've ever spent on anything (other than houses).

However, we did everything on a shoestring (we had a huge wedding but made everything ourselves) and didn't get into debt at all doing it. Is that OK, OP?

ViviPru · 05/09/2011 15:33

Hammy she IBU telling a colleague how much she's spent - how very vulgar.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/09/2011 15:34

Throwing money at a wedding doesnt make it priceless.

Spending £35k on a wedding is madeness, thats a great deposit for a house.

Nowadays most weddings are more about spending money and showing off than the actual vows and commitment themselves.

mummymccar · 05/09/2011 15:36

I think it depends on the couple. Whilst I would break out in a sweat thinking about spending that much money on one day, I know others like to push the boat out and would think my budget wedding is because I didn't care. Everyone comes out with amazing memories at the end of the day so I try not to judge. What matters is the marriage afterwards.

LydiaWickham · 05/09/2011 15:37

Because weddings are not just about the couple. For a lot of people, it's almost a 'community event' and if you have eaten other people's food and drank their wine, danced to their DJ etc at their wedding, you should also take your turn to host. A lot of people have large families and circles of friends and want to be good hosts on such an important day - so invite them all and feed and provide drinks for them all. That's expensive.

It's 'just a day', but for the majority of people, it's still something they only do the once, so why skimp?

We spent a lot (not as much as your friend), and yes, it did hit our savings fund for the house, but we could always save in the future for a house, we will probably own more than one property in our lives, but we will only get married once.

There'll be a lot of competitive cheapness posts on this thread, people agreeing with you who will say they just paid £2.50 for a second hand dress in a jumble sale and bought one bag of twiglets for their guests to share, but for most people, it's not 'just a party' it's the most important decision and commitment they will make and one to be celebrated.

You sound smug, you might as well say to your friend, "well, if you'd studied harder at school, you might have a better paid job and then could get a big house." Your friend is complimenting you BTW - the correct response is, "thank you, we have been lucky, I love living here."

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/09/2011 15:38

Nowadays most weddings are more about spending money and showing off than the actual vows and commitment themselves.

How can you possibly know that? Talk about generalising.

Up to people what they want to spend, up to people how they want to celebrate their wedding. But making judgements on the longevity of their marriage because of it is stupid.

dreamingbohemian · 05/09/2011 15:39

I think a lot of couples come under pressure from family to have a big do.

I have some friends, both from big Irish families, who spent over £10,000 on theirs because that was simply what was done in their families, everyone had to be invited and it had to be a bit fancy.

harrietthespook · 05/09/2011 15:39

Everyone has a different perspective on what is 'too much' though.

£35K would be a grotesquely obscene amount of show off for me.

We spent about £8.5K, I would say, in 1996. For some people that's a grotesquely obscene amount of show off too.

For me "too much" is whatever makes you go into debt or means that you have to seriously scale back other things in life, like investing in a house. That tipping point is a different figure for everyone.

My main problem though, apart from this, is that I have gotten tot he point where I find large sit down dinners of uncertain quality really bloody dull. I would definitely go down the loads of fun informal route now. Which is probably cheaper anyway.

harrietthespook · 05/09/2011 15:42

Lydia - "For a lot of people, it's almost a 'community event' and if you have eaten other people's food and drank their wine, danced to their DJ etc at their wedding, you should also take your turn to host."

Yes, I do see that. Where I think things go crazy is when people try to put on this fairy tale of a life that bears no resemblance to their real one...with everyone playing a part for the day...etc etc at a cost that is mindblowing for their personal circumstances.

Original poster

Hammy02 · 05/09/2011 15:43

I don't mean to sound smug. If she didn't moan about where she lived, I couldn't give a hoot what she spent on her wedding. Her money and all that. I just don't get it. Surely great memories have little to do with material things?

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 05/09/2011 15:43

Completely agree with lydiawhickham. Yabu.
We spent a lot I guess,we live in a flat & I would love a big house. Houses can wait,we had a wonderful wedding abroad which we made into a holiday for family & our honeymoon. Each to their own,I hate these threads where people are judging someone else's spending.

LydiaWickham · 05/09/2011 15:43

oh and the money might not be transferable for a lot of people - both my parents and DH's parents gave us money towards our wedding, but that was again, part of them 'hosting' an event. We couldn't have pocketed it, said "thanks very much, but we're off to Gretna Green, we'll probably spend this on a new bathroom when we buy a house."

It doesn't follow that your friend's £35k wedding was all her money or that if she hadn't married the money would have been forthcoming for a house deposit.

fatlazymummy · 05/09/2011 15:46

The point in the OP was that this woman is always moaning about how small her flat is . If she wanted a bigger flat she could have spent some of her wedding budget on that instead. Most of us can't afford everything we want and have to make choices. OP I agree with you, I would have chosen the more expensive house and the smaller wedding also. Of course it is up to the individual though.
I actually prefer smaller less formal weddings anyway, so it was an easy choice for me. I would have hated the whole church wedding, sit down meal thing anyway so chose a registry office do with a pissup party afterwards.

issey6cats · 05/09/2011 15:47

we spent money on what needed spending as in the food and dj which i felt made the reception what it was and saved money on what i could, as in i was lucky and got a vintage wedding dress from a wedding shop that was closing, the bridesmaid dresses from tk maxx for about half what they would cost in a wedding shop,i made the flowers for the tables, bought balloons froma party shop company to add a bit of glamour, bought the cake from asda and decorated it myself when it was put together it all looked like we had spent a lot more than we had, DH got a black suit from st johns market in liverpool a new tie and wore a decent shirt he already owned, we couldnt have spent thousands we didnt have anyway so we booked wedding 8 months in advance and saved up to the budget we could afford

Vixaxn · 05/09/2011 15:49

It seems very wasteful to me, especially as I give most marriages a couple of yearswww.mumsnet.com/te/9.gif

I'm getting married soon, and we want it to be nice - but are keeping the bill as low as possible. I'd rather have another holiday, or an extra thousand pounds in my pocket.

harrietthespook · 05/09/2011 15:49

But the cash isn't just about the couple's choices - is it?

It's about a crazy wedding 'industry' that adds 30% to the price of anything when you stick 'wedding' in front of it. And people cave into that.

I loved a story I saw on here once when one bride booked a hotel with dinner once and didn't say it was for a wedding. The hotel very happily took the event etc. Reasonable price. Up in arms when they realised it was a wedding! too late to charge more but VERY put out they hadn't been told. Why should it be more though?!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/09/2011 15:50

I agree with Lydia also. It's very simplistic to say that she should stop moaning about her little flat as she could have spent the wedding money on it. I had a little flat and had a big wedding. My parents paid for the big wedding, the size of the flat didn't come into it, that wasn't what they were offering.

dreamingbohemian · 05/09/2011 15:51

issey exactly, it's possible to be 'good hosts' and provide for your guests without necessarily spending a fortune.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend a lot, especially if you can afford it, I just reject this idea that you have to spend a lot to be good hosts and have a nice wedding. Ours was very cheap and we still have friends telling us it was the best wedding party they've ever been to because it was just really good fun without any of the formal bits that often are, tbh, kind of boring.

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