Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU To look after DS instead of PIL when I go on Mat Leave for DC2

32 replies

Sequin1 · 05/09/2011 08:30

Hi, I really need to ask for an outsiders point of view on this.

Currently I am 27 weeks pregnant with DC2 and go on mat leave at the end of Oct.

I work 4 days a week and DS goes to Nursery and MIL picks him up 2 x days a week from nursery in the afternoon and has him until tea time (they also expect to see him every weekend too). When I start mat leave my intention was to just reduce DS to 2 or 3 days and I would do the pick ups as MIL did this as I was at work, however this decision has caused arguments between me and DP as he thinks its not fair for MIL not to see SS anymore during the week. My proposal to DP was that as I now look after DS during the week then he can take DS to see PIL at the weekend and they can have him for a sleep over every so often as well. Is this unreasonable?

The background is this is their first Grandchild and he is spoilt rottern (fair enough I can cope with that) they live 5 minutes down the road and they would see him every day of the week of they could (which I cant cope with).
I am very independant, I have always lived away from my family who live overseas or over 500 miles away so they have 'exclusive' use of DS as my parents see him/us around 4/5 times a year.

Our difference in opinion on how much we/DS see's his parents is really starting to effect our relationship. Would be good to hear if anyone can offer any advice on how I deal with this.

Thanks

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 05/09/2011 08:34

You're hardly cutting your son out of his grandparent's lives, if you're offering sleepovers and he sees them at weekends. They can't go an entire 5 days without seeing a toddler? Blimey.

Maybe frame it to your DP as - this is the last time that you and DS will have one on one for a long time, it's special to you and you want to make the most of it.

And if that doesn't work, maybe frame it as 'he is my son and I will be picking him up from daycare so I can spend time with him'. End of discussion.

StayFrosty · 05/09/2011 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayFrosty · 05/09/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tryingtoleave · 05/09/2011 08:39

I would take him out of nursery on the days when mil has him, but ask her to still have him over to her's for tea on those days. Trust me, you will appreciate the break when you have another baby. And it would be nice for your mil too.

CurrySpice · 05/09/2011 08:40

I think it would be lovely if your DS could go to his nan's for tea a couple of times a week. It would keep some continuity for him

Just to offer the other perspective!

CailinDana · 05/09/2011 08:41

I can totally understand where you're coming from as I'm also very independent and I don't like how involved my MIL wants to be in my life and my DS's life. However over time I've come to see that that has a lot to do with the fact that my own mother is very unreliable and I find it hard to trust people. I'd rather push them away than let them get involved and be let down. I also realise I'm quite possessive of DS probably for the same reason. I have tried to see that MIL genuinely is in love with DS and doesn't want to take him away from me, she just wants to be with him, perhaps nearly as much as I do. I'm trying to learn to share but that's not easy! Does any of this ring a bell with your situation?

Could you compromise? I think it would be very hard for your MIL to go from picking up your DS twice a week to not picking him up at all. Could you perhaps let her do one day? You might appreciate it hugely when you're massively pregnant and pissed off with life! Perhaps think of that time as time to prepare for and get excited about your new baby, a bit of headspace time that you can have to yourself. Don't do housework or anything responsible in that time just spoil yourself and reward yourself for putting your own feelings aside a little and letting a loving granny have her way a little bit.

Tinkerisdead · 05/09/2011 08:44

Am i being unreasonable to look after my own child when im not at work? Thats the crux of it. And no its not unreasonable.

Im pregnant with my dc2 and i'd want to spend as much time with my dd beforehand and will do! My dh's niece went to mil during sil mat leave and continued when dc2 arrived. She kept crying that she didnt want to go to mil or wanted to go home as mummy was at home with the baby. Even 18 months after nephews birth she is still fretful about missing out.

What do you plan when dc2 is here, would you like to keep picking ds up? If so say your starting as you mean to go on. That you are ensuring ds feels included when dc2 arrives and not pushed out etc.

MamaChoo · 05/09/2011 08:47

CurrySpice has a point. A lot is about to change for your DS and keeping a level of continuity is vital. Bear in mind he might miss seeing your PILs twice a week even if you don't (i think lots of people can relate to that) and you don't want him to feel like it is in someway his fault he can't have tea with them in the week any more (can be funny what ideas they get in their heads).

Original poster

Sequin1 · 05/09/2011 08:53

Thanks

I have thought yes it will give me a break if MIL stll has him but as he is in nursery 3 days a week that is when I see me getting a break as I will be home alone.

I suffered with PND after the birth of DS and felt very lonely with just me and the baby (my mum is a plane journey away) so I thought this time by having nursery runs to do with DS it gets me out of the house twice a day on 3 days, on those 3 days I would have quality time with the baby and on the other 2 days it would be the 3 of us (DS is nearly 4 so nice for some company).

Once I have the baby and things settle down and things are going ok I may be more open to week day help with childcare but I just want to see how things go but just feel pressurised by MIL and DP to offer an alternative for taking away the 2 afternoons a week.

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/09/2011 08:56

How about MIL still picks him up from nursery one day a week.

They sound very pushy by the way.

CurrySpice · 05/09/2011 08:57

Hope it goes well for you sequin. I think seeing how it goes when DC2 arrives is a good idea. Try not to stress about it now and see how you all feel when the baby arrives :)

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra · 05/09/2011 09:02

Does your ds enjoy going to their house?

lucky24 · 05/09/2011 09:10

Instead of nursery 3 days, why not 2 nursery days and a day with GP, you don't lose any time with him and they will be happy.

Lovebeingignored is right though does he enjoy going there?

I think you don't like them much and a trying to be awkward.

Original poster

Sequin1 · 05/09/2011 09:16

Yes DS does enjoy going there and that is why I will ensure he sees them at the weekend instead.

Lucky24 - I do like them, in small doses mind as they are full on! But I just dont want to see them 3 times a week (I see my parents that many times a year) I thought I was being reasonable by still ensuring they have a weekend visit

OP posts:

lucky24 · 05/09/2011 09:25

OK just my thought, but when you only get family days (DH and DC) at the weekend i think you will start to really begrudge spending them both with the MIL. When you want a day at the beach/park/DVD day it will a pain

DilysPrice · 05/09/2011 09:25

If he sees them for long visits at the weekend will that not cut down on the time he spends with his father?

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/09/2011 10:06

I think its unfair on DS and his grandparents, so you're happy to let them do it when its suits you re work but not when you're not. If he goes at the weekend your DH misses out.

Theres also the chance he will resent the new sibling as he will know thats the reason he's no longer going to his grans.

As your parents dont live near maybe MIL is your only sitter, she may change her mind about sitting if you do this.

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra · 05/09/2011 10:19

So what exactly is the problem then? He enjoys it, they enjoy it? He would go to nursery 3 times anyway. Send him to nursery twice and let them have him once a week.

TeddyRuxpin · 05/09/2011 10:48

I don't think you're being unreasonable.
Maybe I've got it wrong but at the moment your DS is at nursery 4 days a week and 2 of those days he's at his GP until teatime. So by the time you pick him up you probably only see him for a couple of hours before he goes to bed?
Then he's at GP at the weekend too? That's 4 days a week with his GP and 3 with you? If this is the case then it's not unreasonable that you want to see more of your DS while you have the chance.
If your ILs only stay 5 minutes away could they not pop over to your house once a week to see your DS and the new baby at the same time if they really can't go 5 days without seeing your DS then see him at the weekend as usual?
are they going to look after the new baby as well when you go back to work?

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 05/09/2011 10:58

Why not offer them a couple of hours another day? Maybe you could drop him (and in time the new baby) of for lunch maybe one day a week. That way you could get a couple of hours to yourself, your children get spoilt by the grandparents and the grandparents are happy - everyone is a winner.

YouDoTheMath · 05/09/2011 11:35

If you are not working, it makes sense for you to collect your child. You could suggest to them (just to get them to back off for a bit) that you will see how it goes, and will ask for help if you need it.

Otherwise, once a week should be more than enough for any grandparent.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 05/09/2011 11:44

sorry whos child is this . yours I believe .Your child your decision . Oh and by the way I think this is MIL bending DH ear beforehand.

MmeLindor. · 05/09/2011 11:49

I can see how they would miss having him around, since they are used to having him a couple of times during the week.

Don't compare the times that he is with your parents, and the times he is with your PILs. It is not their fault that your parents live far away, and I bet that when you are with your parents, they spend a lot of time with him, albeit condensed into a few weeks.

Why not do what Lucky suggested, drop the nursery to 2 or 2.5 days and let MIL have him the rest of the time.

Eglu · 05/09/2011 11:56

I think that possibly you could let PIL have one day after nursery for tea. But YANBU to want to spend some time with you own son.

browneyesblue · 05/09/2011 12:28

YANBU. They have helped you out while you've been working, but if you aren't working it makes no sense for the arrangement to continue if you don't need the extra help. He is your son, and you aren't being unreasonable to want to spend time with him.

I don't think I would be happy with the 'every weekend' arrangement either. Once you start these types of routines, they can be really hard to break. What if you decide to do something on the spur of the moment at the weekend? Would you have to clear it with your PIL first? Give them a different day in lieu, as if it were a shared custody arrangement? I think it's great that they want to be so involved, and that you're happy to let them play a big part in your DS's life, but I would be wary of such a rigid rota. Start managing their expectations now, before you become stuck in an arrangement that doesn't work for you.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread