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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have probs with attitude that 'once you've had/are having a baby you won't care' who sees your fanjo?

62 replies

Miffster · 04/09/2011 16:44

Fair enough, I understand lots of women really do not mind or care but I did and I still do. Just because I have been pregnant and had a baby I still did not and do not want intimate exams carried out by males. I know they are professionals and do not care but it is not about them and how they feel. It's how I feel. I would accept life saving treatment etc if I had to but I don't think I will ever feel 'right' or comfortable having a man doing an intimate procedure.

It just annoys me when people say having a baby changes that. It hasn't. I'm the same woman I was before birth and things that upset me or are important to me haven't changed.

I expect people will think iambu. Sigh.

OP posts:

Scheherezade · 04/09/2011 17:08

Luckily DP is on my side, and going to fight my corner. I don't care if other people think it's unreasonable, they don't have to dea lwith the type of feelings that being examined 'down there' brings - bully for them if it's no big deal, but unless they have experienced the feelings it gives me, they can't judge.

bigbananapants · 04/09/2011 17:09

I also hate any internal examinations by male or female. But what I have found is that male doctors have always been much more considerate and much more gentle.
When I had my first baby, my placenta was retained and a very nice male doctor had to remove it in a theatre full of males. That was slightly embarrassing but I was just relieved it was done! I was very grateful for the care and compassion they showed.
I've had to other gyno's check me out too and I have to say those experiences have been far more comfortable then any butcher sorry nurse who has given me a smear!
But come on really, who wants to get their fanjo out for all to see really unless your name is sticky Vicky!!!

Cocoflower · 04/09/2011 17:11

I am sorry to hear about your situation Scheherzade

This is exactly what I was thinking on the other thread- many posters seems to think refusing intimate care from a man is 'sexist' while I argue it not and far more complex

Our bodies come tied up with all sorts of psychological issues that are nothing to do with sexisim

Original poster

Miffster · 04/09/2011 17:12

What cocoflower said, and wishing you all the best scherhezade

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 04/09/2011 17:15

I'm not bothered in the slightest but you obvioulsy are so YANBU - you just feel differently to me

WorzselMummage · 04/09/2011 17:19

So many people have seen my chuff I am genuinely past caring, that doesn't mean I expect you to be

Yabu for thinking you could ever be classed as U for not wanting to flash for fanny at all and sundry. Your fanny your choice.

Fatshionista · 04/09/2011 17:19

YANBU but it is true for some people. I have far less dignity in front of medical professionals now I've given birth twice. The first time I was completely naked in hospital giving birth as I was so hot and the second time was in front of two perplexed paramedics and two community midwives on my living room floor so yeah, dignity is shot.

However I still don't like going for intimate tests, it's just not such a big issue.

DoMeDon · 04/09/2011 17:20

YANBU - to say 'once such and such happens you will feel differently' is such a daft comment. How can anyone know if or what will change someone else's opinion.

I still have the same attitudes about DC after I had them, despite everyone I know with DC laughing about how my views would change!

Original poster

Miffster · 04/09/2011 17:23

I probably worded the op badly; although I thought saying fair enough I understand many women do not mind made it clear that I understand that many
women do not mind! What annoys me is the attitude that for all women having a baby changes things and you do not mind or care things that previously you DID mind or care about.

Why? Maybe people here have not come across the expectation that post partum or during birth women do not mind or care but I keep hearing it. The post was: is it reasonable to expect women to change after birth if they were bothered before, and have others come across this attitude, and was it true for them that after birth they did not mind or care as much about genital exams or procedures?

OP posts:

Original poster

Miffster · 04/09/2011 17:24

So thank you up everyone who has responded

OP posts:

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 04/09/2011 17:38

It is reasonable to expect, or rather - anticipate that many women DO actually become less anxious (bothered!) about examinations after they have experienced them. That is not the same as saying that women SHOULD change after birth and I think that is where, perhaps, there is a communication breakdown.

And yes - in my case - after experiencing what I outlined above, the thought of it was nowhere near as bad as before. Everyone had already had a feel and I survived it Before I experienced it, I imagined it would be the worst thing in the world - arrgghh, people will see my fanny and they'll touch me. After?

That is not the same as saying that other people should feel the same. Only that it is common for people to feel that sort of way.

IslandMoose · 04/09/2011 17:40

It's unreasonable in the sense that it's illogical - there's no sensible reason for the feeling of discomfort/embarassment based on the gender of the practitioner (save, perhaps, in cases like that of Scheherezade). That holds true whether or not you have given birth.

Emotionally, however, your feelings on the issue are perfectly valid and nobody has the right to denigrate them.

Original poster

Miffster · 04/09/2011 17:45

Good posts themagnificent, thanks!

OP posts:

Fluter · 04/09/2011 17:48

I don't bat an eyelid - and I haven't given birth... yet. But I can imagine some people do find it difficult - whether you've given birth or not.

During 2 weeks of IVF drugs/ egg collection and embryo transfer, I had 9 different people either have a poke about up there or have a good look. 2 of them were male, and I never actually knew the names of 4 of them. I just understood that they were there for a reason (well, 2 reasons, who are currently kicking my bladder and diaphragm like there's no tomorrow ) and let them get on with it.

But not everyone is the same. And I doubt very much that it really has anything to do with whether you've given birth or not. Some women are comfortable with it, and their bodies, and some aren't. I loathe having blood taken, but others don't care.

I have no problem nude bathing, but others would be a bit catsbumface about it. We're all just different :)

Witchofthenorth · 04/09/2011 18:04

I used to find it difficult, showing my bits to doctors for examinations and such like, then I spent time with legs in stirrups having abnormal cells lasered off, then another couple of appointments with same said stirrups and having my insides burned off, then gave birth a few times, pooed on the bed, popped out one or two mahoosive piles whilst pushing out my babies, and can vividly remember looking down whilst birthing DC1 and seeing 5 people all looking up my fanny, needless to say I don't actually think twice now if I have to whip my knickers off for a doctor or nurse :)

Doesn't mean I would walk down the street with it out for all to see, I still have some dignity.

Also doesn't mean that I think ALL women who have given birth then can whip out their fanny with gay abandon.

I do think, however, it may make you less embarrassed about doing so :)

Original poster

Miffster · 04/09/2011 18:49

A q for those who DO still uncomfortable about it post birth: did you get the response of 'oh don't fret you won't care in labour etc etc' while pg and if so did it wind you up?

I tried to talk about it and kept getting that response.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 04/09/2011 18:54

Plenty of people saw my fanjo before I gave birth.

I enjoyed those days...[sighs reminscently....]

BabeRuthless · 04/09/2011 18:57

I more embarrassed about what an absolute softie I was when had my son rather than who looked at my fanjo. I had that many IEs that day I thought they were going to bring a coach party through at one point. My sisters a midwife & she'd told me how she'll be doing exams & literally thinking about whether to pick up milk & bread on her way home so I wasn't that embarrassed really. I'm more when I think back on the fact that I had literally no birthing technique & cried like a baby the whole time,

Rowena8482 · 04/09/2011 18:57

You can refuse any and all procedures (for want of a better word) Scheherezade and put what you want in your birth plan too. My midwife ignored half of what I asked her to write in mine so as soon as she left I just crossed out what she thought I should have and wrote what I actually wanted on it myself. Mine said "No episiotomy EVER, under any circumstances" in big big letters. Luckily the situation didn't arise, but I made sure that I told everyone who asked (medical people) and DH was drilled in what to allow and not allow if I was "out of it" after pain relief. You might get funny looks and even snotty comments, but just hint that you will sue and/or press assault charges if necessary and it should be enough - for some reason fear of litigation seems to be the only thing that a lot of medical personnel understand when a patient speaks, they don't hear anything else unless it suits them to do so!
Your baby will arrive whether you have a sweep or an internal or a "james heriot experience" or not so don't let them bully you. Giving birth is a 'production line' especially in busy units and trying to stand out for something "unorthodox" can be very hard, but it CAN be done, especially with your DH to support you through.

Witchofthenorth · 04/09/2011 19:01

I can see why it riles you so much, do you think that perhaps they just meant that when you are in the throes of labour, you have other things on your mind than who is looking at your bits.

I don't want to negate your thoughts and feelings on this, you have a right to feel how you wish about your lady bits and other people looking at them.

I understand those aswell though, who do say that you couldn't really give a damn when your pushing your baby out, who is the room.

Personally I could have been in the middle of tescos with everyone looking in, didn't care, I just wanted the baby out!

If it upsets you, then tell everyone else to stuff it, your body, your rules :)

alwaysonthemove · 04/09/2011 19:02

YANBU lots of people say oh you don't care if you're stark b0llock naked when you're in labour. I did. I did not mind being uncovered when it was necessary for interventions etc but if I was left uncovered afterwards for no reason I hated it, was in agony, sounded like a wild animal and was in need of an epidural but despite all that I was aware if I was left in an undignified state for no medical reason and DID CARE! I was still a person who deserved to be treated with dignity, in labour or not!

Witchofthenorth · 04/09/2011 19:03

Laughing a lot, with sprays of snot at "James her riot experience"

I must remember that one :o

Flisspaps · 04/09/2011 19:06

Before DD I hated having any kind of internal examination done.

During labour and birth I didn't care (good job really - ended up having forceps and manual removal of the placenta as well as a 3rd deg tear)

Since the day I left the hospital, I've gone back to hating the thought of any kind of internal examination again.

Cocoflower · 04/09/2011 19:09

Rowena

Out of interest do you know if you can sue if they refuse to give an epidural? Am due give birth vvv soon and definitly want one- but am worried I will be quite disrespected like I was with dd1 so want to be firmer this time and know my rights. Thanks!

Flisspaps · 04/09/2011 19:15

Cocoflower I don't think you can - there can be several reasons for refusing to give an epidural, mainly due to safety considerations.

There might not be enough midwives to give you one-to-one care (which is required if you have an epidural), there might not be an anaesthetist free when you need one as they might be in theatre, there might not be a room in the consultant unit, you might be too far advanced for it to be effective when you arrive at the hospital...

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