to have told dd shes smelly?

[needsanswers]

dd age 3.4 up untill a few week ago was absolutley fine with me washing her hair, she usually has a shower i put a flannel over her eyes tilt her head back and wash her hair, generally no water will go in her eyes because she doesnt like it, 2weeks ago it started, she starts screaming, stamping her feet, works her self up into a real state saying she doesnt want me to wash it? which i cant understand as ive been washing her hair every 2 days for her whole life.

I have tried calmly speaking to her, asking whats wrong, her reply is generally i don't want you to and crying and crying although once she told me it was because the water was going to make her eyes come out?? iv explained why i need to wash her hair, promising no water will go in her eyes...

I just don't know what to do about the issue, i tried once last week ( after this had already been going on for about 6days) basically forcing her she was soo very upset she kept moving that water did go in her eyes? was that the mistake i made?

This morning shower again with the refusal of me washing her hair i had had enough i was very cross and i think i over reacted, i told her her hair was smelly, and the kids at kindy arnt going to want to play with you anymore if you don't let me wash it... she still refused, i then told her she will not be watching any cartoons, she will be getting no movies from the shop, (we go to the video shop once a week were she gets to choose two movies she likes and dp and i watch them with her as one of our 'family activities') and no stories before bed until she lets me wash her hair!

Have i completely over reacted, i feel like ive been very mean because these are the things she looks forward to, but if i go back on what i have already said shes going to think i don't go through with punishments... she generally seems fine with the punishment and has a ' i don't care what you say you are not washing my hair' attitude atm arggg what do i do and how do i get her to let me wash her hair??
sorry for the ramble i was trying to figure the situation out while writting it down lol

Stealing all ideas as my dd has hated having her hair washed for so long now I can't even remember a time she didn't get upset

DS used to be very scared of having his hair washed, he would scream like he was being tortured. For a while I pretty much just stopped washing it, it was far too traumatic for him, he started to get used to it by lying back in the bath and washing it himself.

I suspect that when you had to tell her to be careful not to drink the water after the earthquake has caused a phobia.

Did you (or anyone else) say to her at anypoint that if she drank the water it might make her sick? It sounds like the eyes falling out comment could be linked to thinking that the water might make her sick - remember young children are more lateral thinkers and have overactive imaginations.

Even if it was said in passing and you can't remember saying it, kids pick up on these things and remember them - they then mull them over for weeks before surprising you by mentioning them again.

Last year my DD's nursery had the bathroom rennovated - for about two weeks, the kids had to use portaloos in the back garden - DD had never been upset about going to nursery and had never cried when we left her. She was absolutely fine while the building work was going on but about a week after it had finished she started to have massive crying episodes every time we left her at nursery. It took us a few days of talking to her to realise it was residual anxiety from the disruption of the building work. Turns out quite a few of the kids had it and it manifested in different ways.

If I were you I'd just wash her hair once a week, in the bath rather than the shower, but also bath her a couple of times a week without washing her hair. Don't make a big deal out of it, even if she does. Offer treats if she has it washed without crying but don't punish if she does cry. Don't make a big deal of it because it will only emphasise it as an issue in your DD's mind - she just needs to adjust to it being a perfectly normal thing to have done.

My DS has always hated this (he is 5 now). At the moment he will tolerate it by counting and seeing how quick I can do it. In the past I have just done it the best I could whilst he screams his head off, or let him do it with a flannel, or anything else that will work at the time. At one point (during new bathroom work) I took him to the local barbers and had them, wash it. He was fine (annoying child!).

OP, it looks to me as if you just went through a list of sanctions trying to find something that worked. Children can't rule the roost and go around with dirty unwashed hair no matter how much they hate it. If you thought you were a perfect parent you wouldn't be on here looking for advice.

Best of luck- some great ideas on here!

Needanswers - you were not rude. I thought you were quite self controlled actually :)

Let us know how you get on!

...being a hairdresser i no every 2nd day is not too much, and in the winter i usually only do it ever 3 to 4 days as i dont wont her to catch a cold having wet hair...

You don't catch colds from having wet hair. You catch colds from viruses.

It's all a phase! One of mine went through a short phase of this and I never did suss what started it but swimming goggles saved the day!

needanswers... It's difficult isn't it? I always hated getting soap in my eyes as a child and I found the best way of having my hair washed was to lean over the bath (or a bowl) rather than tilt back. I had a dry flannel rolled up and I pressed it tightly to my eyes and that worked. I'd sing to myself to distract from the hair-washing and my mum would be as quick as possible.

You haven't said anything wrong, it's desperation, obviously, but if you can get your daughter involved in holding the flannel to her own eyes and taking responsibility for keeping the soap out, that might help.

Sympathies though... :)

Just seen Doodlez' post... why didn't I think of swimming goggles? [confused}

FFS! Cut the kid's hair nice and short then all you need to do is wipe it over with a damp flannel. There is no need to fanny around keeping long hair 'naice' on a toddler if the toddler doesn't like the procedure.
ANd having a phobia isn't being 'naughty'. She will get over it, but making a power struggle of it and punishing her for being afraid will make it all much worse.

I have had problems with my DS refusing to have hair washed and I find the less often I do it the worse it gets. So for me washing hair only once a week will become a real trial (and I can totally understand your frustration!) and the more often I do it the easier it gets IYKWIM.

I don't mean to use shampoo every time but 'washing' with water every time she is in bath or shower and telling her you'll use shampoo occasionally so not every time might help. For my DS the more often things happen the less of a big deal they become.

And agree good idea to let her 'help' wash your hair

Btw OP was not being spiteful by telling her that she smells. That's not nasty at all and of course the OP didn't have nasty intentions.

"the water was going to make her eyes come out??"

The route of her fear may be that horrible stinging pain of soap in her eyes.

I can remember being 3 years old - and that sting of soap in my eyes. Also remember being relieved that a flannel on my face worked. The flannel was my friend.

cut her hair to make it more manageable and use that dry shampoo and then you only have to wash her hair every week or so. Get in the bath with her and let her wash your hair. Don't try to wash hers at that point. Maybe get her to wash her own hair? what about trying something like this? to stop water or shampoo getting in her face.

Has shampoo got in her eyes at some point? It stings a lot. Maybe that has morphed in her mind as taking her eyes out?

Don't turn it into a battle, it's only hair. It's not worth creating a huge issue around. Hell, if you don't want to cut it short, just keep it in a plait all the time and then nobody can tell if it's dirty

She'll grow out of it soon enough.

Why not just have short hair? My dd has short hair and is frequently told how cute and 'French' she looks.

Children have lots of irrational phases and phobias, which come and go, often for no apparent reason. It would seem easiest not to turn them into great battles.

Obviously, your daughter can't just 'get away' with bad behaviour, but being afraid of hairwashing isn't being naughty. If you decide that 'punishment' is necessary for some misdemeanor, it must fit the crime. Not watching a dvd together isn't related to the hair issue and won't really make sense to a three-year old. (Apart from communicating Mummy is very cross with me.) Suggesting that, as she doesn't like hair washing, maybe you could give her a nice short cut which could be washed quickly in the bath, not as a punishment, but as a way of helping her solve the problem, seems like a way forward. You have the advantage of being a hairdresser!

My DS used to make a terrible fuss about having his hair washed. I've never done it more than once a week. If it was time to wash it, he was told his hair was going to be washed whether he liked it or not but he had a choice of methods. He could wet his hair himself by lying back or with a facecloth or by lying back or with the hand held shower. If he wouldn't do it, I would and he could still chose the method. No toys in the bath until hair is washed and then once done he could have a big play with the toys.

You have my smpathy and I second or third or fourth the goggles

FWIW my DD is 10.

And we still have goggles in the bath/shower. she hates water in her eyes and it's just really not worth the battle.

teenage boys now that's another issue if they haven't a girlfriend they are stinky mcstinky and if they have a girlfriend you will go through lynx like it is going out of fashion

Being a hairdresser I assume you usually deal with adult hair? Adult hair needs washing every couple of days (usually), children's hair does not. Childrens hair needs washing once a week or so (or whenever it starts to look greasy) unless they get yoghurt or something in it and then of course you wash as necessary.

My child also has curly hair and I find a good condition once a week helps (each time it's washed) as does brushing it before bed as well as in the morning. IMO washing too much will make it more tangly as it will be drier.

My oldest hated having her hair washed and baths in general since birth and I have had to just be incredibly patient although that has been very challenging. I have found that one of those head guard things has helped loads www.amazon.co.uk/Clippasafe-CL201-Shampoo-Shield/dp/B000G1TDNI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315037459&sr=8-1, but I also just had to wait for her to grow out of it. Taking her swimming a lot helped to. Why don't you have a chat with her about how she's feeling. Be gentle and she might give some clues as to why she is scared and then you can reassure her as necessary.

Also you are wrong about wet hair causing colds, viruses do that. I honestly thought that was a myth that only the older generation still believed.

We also taught ours to partly wash her own hair, she liked the control.

DD has long curly hair and I only wash it once a week ( unless she gets something in it) and it's fine, definitely doesn't get smelly.

Have you seen those jugs from jojo maman bebe that have a flexible side you place on their head to stop the water going in their eyes?

in fact they have a couple of products that might help

wow i am so completely over whelmed at all the reply's i have gotten, here goes..

sparkle12mar08 i find you comment pointless and quite bitchy if you had read my earlier posts you would see i am more then happy to take abit of criticism and i felt completely hopeless to the situation, i no i was in the wrong that's why i have put my post up.. other peoples experience and ideas is what i am looking for not pointless rude posts like the one you just put up. I put this post up straight after the attempted hair wash of dd this morning and think i completely over reacted, i was soo frustrated at not knowing what was going on with her that i stuipedly made the assumption she was being difficult for no reason and some lovely posters of MN have put me right and explained maybe shes actually scared and there's something going on to cause this situation, i have since apologized to my amazing dd, took her out this afternoon to buy her some special goggles that she is very excited to wear next time i wash her hair, she seems to be looking forward to it, but time will tell.

trumpton very clever thinking on your part with the pic of the dog, you are very right about picking my battles, dd not a very good sleeper since EQ so being up with her at night, as well as 6months preg and tired i completely over reacted, i feel quite embarrassed about how frustrated i got.

wishiwasholdingaachinegun no she hasn't seen anything on tv as we watch the news etc while she is in bed, they play with a water trough at her kindy im wondering if anything has happened while there that im un aware of?

QuickLookBusy i completely agree, its causing more stress on both of us then need be, now that iv taken a step back and thought about the bigger picture im not gonna make such a big deal out of it :)

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra glad this post is helping both of us, ManateeEquineOhara its such a relief to know im not the only one having trouble :)

lenak yes i remember after 1st EQ telling her she cant be drinking her bath water ( i have no idea y she was doing this lol) she kept doing it and i had to explain to her that she couldn't drink it coz of the naughty EQ if you drink it you might get a sore tummy... that is my fault, people were getting really sick after drinking the contaminated water and i thought by telling her that she would understand why she couldn't drink it, that was a year ago tho, but you are right she has an incredibly memory and can still remember us ripping her out of her bed and running in the 1st EQ so maybe you are right!

NestaFiesta & ChippingIn you are right i had done everything i could think of doing and threatening to take away the things she liked was a last resort.. that's why i put the post up and thank fully have had some real help which i am completely grateful :)

ChippingIn LOL growing up i was always told if i went outside with wet hair i would get a cold, lol i actually had no clue it was a wives tale, i feel so silly lol thanks for letting me no :o

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe very difficult. I had hurd of kids going through phases before having DD but my god some of these phases they go through are hard work lol

solidgoldbrass, TheMagnificentBathykolpian, UnSerpentQuiCourt dd does have short hair, when dry its still above her shoulders, her hair grows very slow and i was only able to put her hair in its 1st pony tale on her 3rd birthday, i couldn't get in into a plat if i wanted to lol it literally takes less then 1min to wash her hair (when she keeps still) but that's not quick enough.

to all the other lovely people that have replied thank you so much, i am off to bed now :) i really appreciate all the advice.
apart from the couple of rude people that got under my skin you have been so helpful i am quite interested to see if her special goggles (that's what we are calling them) work, if they don't at least i no im over reacting and made it out to be a bigger deal then it needs to be :)

trixymalixy that looks like such a cool shop, i live in New Zealand and we don't have that shop here, but if the goggles don't work i will be definitely looking around for similar items to those they are great :)

Swimming goggles is a very quick and easy solution.

FYI having wet hair does not give you are cold

a cold