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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call my dp up on drinking two bottles of wine when I'm on antidepressants

45 replies

alwaysblue · 02/09/2011 21:09

dp is on his way to drinking two bottles of wine this evening . I said I thought one bottle was more than enough for one person in a night ( it's normal for him to drink a bottle of wine in an evening) he called me a hypocrite cos I take 'pills to alter my brain' could he not drink to do the same. Aibu to be hurt and pissed off about his comment?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 02/09/2011 21:11

YANBU to be hurt

But why are you telling him how much you think he should/shouldn't drink?

Is his drinking a problem?

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2011 21:12

no yanbu

he sounds like a bit of an arse. i too would be worried if dp was drinking that much every single night and i think you are well within your rights to say something about it

Casmama · 02/09/2011 21:13

I agree yanbu to be hurt but to be honest if I was your dp I would have told you to piss off as you sound a bit patronising and judgy about it.
If his drinking is a problem then it would probably be best to discuss it with him when he is completely sober.

Coca · 02/09/2011 21:15

I think he is being insensitive about his "brain altering" comments but maybe he isa asking for help there? I don't know your story but perhaps he is feeling pressure too. Worth having a chat with him tomorrow.

smoggii · 02/09/2011 21:16

YANBU but I think your DP has just told you something 'in drink' that he wouldn't have said otherwise. It sounds like he is telling you that he is also depressed and from what you have said about his drinking it sounds like he might be.

I understand why you are upset, it probably sounded like what he said was an attack on you at first but I don't think it is. Maybe there is a conversation you need to have when he has sobered up.

If there is an incident which has triggered your depression might it also have impacted on him?

Coca · 02/09/2011 21:16

I sound like a knob sorry, I have been on AD's in the past I didn't mean to trivialise (sp?) your situation.

slavetofilofax · 02/09/2011 21:17

I'd be too worried about why he felt the need to drink two bottles of wine and the fact that he admitted he wanted to alter his brain to feel hurt about myself. I think he might be trying to tell you something here.

Original poster

alwaysblue · 02/09/2011 21:18

Worraliberty - I wasn't really telling him how much he can drink, but he's an arsehole when he's drunk so it does affect me to have to sit there with him for the night if he's drunk two bottles of wine . do you really not think that's a lot for someone to drink on their own?

OP posts:

WoofToYouTooLady · 02/09/2011 21:19

you being on anti ds and him being a nob might be connected

zippy539 · 02/09/2011 21:22

Tbh I drink hugely when DH is scarily depressed (he's on ad's but still has horrible dips). I worry a lot about his depression and the effect it has on our family life (plus the worst case scenario) - in my case alcohol makes me worry less (at the time - not suggesting its a solution because it never is). Could your DH be drinking for the same reasons - stress and worry? HOWEVER he was WAYYYY out if line with the 'brain altering' comment.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/09/2011 21:23

Do you drink much, OP, when you're not on anti-depressants?

worraliberty · 02/09/2011 21:26

It depends on how big the bottle is.

If it's a standard smallish size then to answer your question, no I don't think 2 bottles for an average size man (I assume he's average?) is an 'awful lot' on a weekend night.

However, it's obviously affecting your relationship if you don't like him when he's drinking.

Original poster

alwaysblue · 02/09/2011 21:26

I kind of stopped drinking after our ds was born and would have mo more than a couple of glasses now

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaysblue · 02/09/2011 21:27

Worra, I wouldn't care how much he drank if he wasn't a nob when he did! He looks for arguments and says v hurtful things

OP posts:

worraliberty · 02/09/2011 21:30

OriginalPoster · 02/09/2011 21:31

I'd be sick if I drank one bottle. Is that a normal amount for him?

Purplebuns · 02/09/2011 21:33

Does he drink wine every evening? I would say two bottles are a lot, but as a very occasional thing I guess it is ok. If he is treating you like shit/drinking a lot then he needs some help.

Original poster

alwaysblue · 02/09/2011 21:37

He doesn't drink every night. 4 nights maybe . But I know if there's more than one bottle in the house he will drink it . I don't really think he's able to say ok iv3 had enough now. And if I do mention it it's always just that I'm nagging him and can he not do what he wants in his own home etc feeling sorry for himself

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 02/09/2011 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplebuns · 02/09/2011 21:41

That is such a lot. I think he needs some help as it sounds like he is using it as a crutch. :( For you having to put up with him being an asshole four nights a week. I am sure you know that just isn't right.

MadamDeathstare · 02/09/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon · 02/09/2011 21:45

YANBU to be hurt but it's not helpful. He is trying to make you feel crap becasue he knows he's doing wrong and trying to deflect that onto you. Yes you are 'altering' your brain - you need to, to make you feel better. He is 'altering' his brain and it's making him and you feel worse.

I would leave it and talk when he is sober. If he is an areshole on booze you will be wasting your time anyway.

magicmelons · 02/09/2011 21:45

YANBU but i would wait until he was sober and have a sensible conversation about it, alcohol shouldn't be used in the same way as ADs.

Original poster

alwaysblue · 02/09/2011 21:46

I do think he is drinking fir the wrong reasons. Theres no way he'll admit it tho.

What if the two of us end up on medication ? That can't be good surely . It must mean we aren't good for each other.

OP posts:

smoggii · 02/09/2011 21:47

You say that he says you are nagging him and in your view he is 'feeling sorry for himself' I'm not sure you would appreciate it if he referred to your depression as you 'feeling sorry for yourself' which seems to be what you are saying about him.

I have to say that before I had my DD, when I was down I self medicated with wine 2-3 times per week, sometimes more when work was stressful. If those nights happened to be weekend nights sometimes I would drink in excess of a bottle, possibly as much as two. If you drink frequently this isn't a huge amount. In fact it's six large glasses which it is very easy to drink on a night out. I don't believe I had a drink problem but I don't think I was doing myself any good or adressing the problems.

I don't drink much anymore but if, when i did, DH had questioned me I would have considered him to be being unreasonable as I am an adult and can make my own decisions about how much I want to drink in my own home.

If he is abusive when he drinks, that is a different issue altogether.

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