to buy my own daughter a coat?

[UngratefulWretch]

My mil has kept most of my dp and his sisters' childhood clothes and toys, all preserved in perfect condition. She is keen to pass these on to our toddler daughter, which is nice. However, some of the clothes are incredibly twee, matchy matchy and make dd look like some kind of droll life-size porcelain doll from the Victorian era. Some of them I just plain old dislike.

Cardies and trousers etc are fine, obviously she can just wear them when mil is there and not at any other time. But some of these are 'key pieces' eg a winter coat which a) I don't like (it looks like a soldier's uniform! With piping! And brass buttons!), b) is v old-fashioned c) I don't think is warm enough as it is single-layer wool, despite mil's obsession that wool is very warm (she turns her nose up at anything that isn't 100% natural fibres) d) is a boy's coat.

While I LOVE getting hand-me-downs as a rule, and we are lucky enough to have several family members who pass on some great clothes to dd, I do enjoy choosing the odd thing for my daughter, especially when it's something like a coat or shoes. But when I then buy things that duplicate what mil has handed down- eg in this instance I bought a nice, modern padded, waterproof winter coat- mil gets all cats-bummy and disapproving, in a passive aggressive way. The unspoken implication, I feel, is that I'm rejecting her offerings, that I'm buying inferior goods, and that I'm being profligate by spending on something we already have. Her response to the nice parka I bought? 'That'll be good for messing about in the garden'!! The assumption being that the Little Soldier Boy coat would be her main winter coat.

I also feel like she is trying to imprint her childrens' childhood onto mine, to have her play with the same toys as they did, wear the same clothes they did, be brought up in the way they were. She totally defines herself as being a mother, constantly harks back all the time to when her kids were young, and genuinely believes (and has said) that her parenting was of the highest calibre. I feel she is 'making her mark' on my child. Perhaps this is mad though.

I feel very irate about this, as you can tell.

AIBU? And spoilt? And unpleasant about a kindly lady?

If everyone's MIL did this, our dcs all be flouncing around in pinafores and petticoats, sailor suits from the 1600s.

I think she should send them to the BBC costume and props dept.

My MIL is so similar to yours Wretch! She told me the other day she has some overalls that DH used to wear when he was small and she's going to give them to me when DS is big enough for them. To be fair DH's grandmother hand made them so they're really special and I'm quite excited about seeing them. Like I said I couldn't give a hoot about the clothes thing, although she has made a huge hoo-ha about bibs which is completely mad. She is obsessed with DS wearing a bib. She wants him to wear one all the time which I don't agree with as I'm very conscious of the bib getting caught on something and damaging DS's neck as he's crawling around. Besides I don't really like the look of them. She went on and on about it one day and I gave loads of fob-off remarks. Eventually when I said I just didn't like them she went on the internet and bought 15 new ones that are a special make and cost a fortune! What a fecking nutter. I hardly use them but always have one to hand when she's around. I'm not trying to be nice or anything, I just want a peaceful life.

My MIL hasn't started speaking through DS yet but I'm sure that'll come at some stage. One weird thing is that over the years I've learned that if MIL comments on anything she doesn't like it, no matter how positive the comment is. So if she says "Oh DS is wearing jeans! How cute!" she actually means "how awful" - she gives herself away later on by other things she says. It's extremely odd and of course puts me on guard as I know everything is a criticism no matter how benign it seems. Headfuck. Like your MIL she's essentially a nice person and is great with DS, she's just very opinionated and can't keep those opinions to herself. I think there may be strong words between us at some point.

Yanbu, with something like a coat, especially as it sounds like a dressy kind of coat, maybe you could say that you're saving it for special occasions. She is bu to make cats bum faces when you buy clothes of your own choice. If she says anything tell her that while you appreciate the clothes she's given you, that you also like to choose clothes yourself, as she must have done when her own children were young.

On the other issues she sounds rather overbearing and interfering. My MiL used to be keen to share her opinions in a "this is what you do and my way is the only way" but I think after a while she realised that I just smiled, nodded and did things my way. She's now very tactful and non interfering.

May I suggest this book to you for a read Ungratefulwretch Anniegetyourgun I believe recommended it to me on a thread about my MIL a while ago and it has been hugely helpful. I also go with substantiallycompromised and others great suggestions.

I've had to learn to be assertive with my MIL but too late really in many ways

You know, I just don't get people like Wretch's MIL. For example, I am saving a few of the really stunning pieces of my DD's clothing for my grandchildren. But every time I put something away I remind myself that my kids/ kids-in-law may not like/ want them, and that that's ok. Especially if they only have boys .

It sounds as though she doesn't have enough meaning in her life and is living vicariously through her kids. How terribly sad. But that's her problem. She's old enough to deal with it, so you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be yourself.

Buy your own and say the moths attacked hers

I'm in the same position as the OP in many ways, thanks for the ideas everyone, I need to start implementing some of them. For my DD's first two birthdays, MIL turned up with an exact replica of the first two birthday cakes she had made for my DH when he was a baby, complete with the original cake boards and decorations. I am beginning to think her attic is a tardis!

Oh jeepers! Just buy a new coat and let DD wear the weird vintage things when MIL is about....also....take her for photographs in a studio...all rigged up in the gear and present MIL with a piccie.

WIll make a good joke in future years!

My MIL gifted me DHs old nappy staker with a mad 70s print all over it...it's cool...she also gave me bedding...tiny quilts..but your MIL....whoooee....glad it's you not me!

This sounds very much like my MIL. She had her daughter, my SIL, in 1962, and when my dd was born in 2008, 46 years later she produced some little dresses for her that SIL had worn. She has kept everything. Even the cloth nappies and a little wooden soap dish thing that clips onto the baby bath. I pick out a few pieces just to keep her happy and tell her I don't want the rest.

I feel a bit sorry for your mil. The coat is obviously very precious to her and probably holds very dear memories. The coat will only fit for a year so can't you just let you dc wear it whenever your mil is around. Alternatively just 'lose' one day when you're out.it.

sorry -last sentence got jumbled up. It should read - Alternatively just 'lose' it one day when you're out.

Crystalglasses, I think a coat wouldn't be a problem in isolation. The MIL has kept 'most of (OP's) dp and his sisters' childhood clothes and toys.'

YABU - she's set in her ways, thinks she's right, thinks you'll love all her 'gifts'. She's wrong but not nasty and you are being massivley over sensitive and taking it all personally.

I have a 'Paddington Style' duffel coat that was bought for DS when he was about 2 (so 16 years ago) DD's 1 and 2 wore it and I have put it away in my sentimental bag in the attic. I did have a fleeting thought of "maybe one day my Grandchild will wear this?" but after reading this thread I will leave it where it is forever (unless said Grandchild needs to go to a fancy dress party as Paddington)

It really sounds like your MIL wants to completely repeat her DCs childhood through your DC. That is quite creepy.

Lemon and crystal, we established pretty fast that the clothes aren't really the issue, it's more that wench's MIL is very critical of her and wants her to do things her way, which extends even to the clothes her dd wears. My MIL is very similar and things like this and the bib debacle that I am going through are a focus for bigger problems rather than being problems in themselves. A kindly meant gift from a well wishing relative is a blessing, but an unwanted article foisted upon you by someone who doesn't really care what you think or want is an insult.

If you find a way of dealing with her please let me know! This has rung bells with me also. My mil has also kept way too much baby stuff from DH and BIL, I very nearly got given a 70's lace pram set! She also turns up most weeks with a new dress for DD, even though she knows I don't use them unless we are going to a wedding or something like that as DD is crawling and dresses get in the way.
DH thinks she is making up for never having a DD herself and whilst maybe I should be sympathetic I'm really not, I just think well she can't have my DD!
This really is about more than clothes, I'm sure we've all been given clothes from other people and not felt this reticence about them and that's because they don't come attached with someone else's overbearing desire to control your behaviour and stamp their ownership on your DC!
I have no advice as I'm another one who can't seem to speak my mind where my mil is involved

Can I have the "little soldier boy" coat for my daughters please? To be fair to your MIL I can completely see how annoying it must be when she is giving you this lovely sounding stuff which has emotional value and which is probably far superior to modern rags, and you prefer to buy a parka!

My MIL has lovely old toys and books of my DH's and his brother's from the 70s which I covet but unfortunately she won't part with any of them!

Yes but Marrianne for those who don't love vintage it's jut not appealing...I LOVE vintage but fully grasp that to some people it doesn't appeal. Nothing wrong with a parka OR a "soldier boy" coat.

I'd just hang it on the hall coat peg, say she wears it for best, then buy the coat I like and use that. Before long your DD will decide what she likes. But it took a lot of persuading for me to explain to my parents that anything that didn't wash and dry overnight was useless. Get what you need and keep the soldier coat "for best".

Wow I wish my mum had keep some of my old things, lots of the old toys and clothers are so much lovelier than the modern tacky plastic stuff. I have a friend whose mum has saved toy that have made it though 3 generations of children, he has new toys too, he's very lucky.

Yes chances are the old wool coat will be a hell of a lot warmer than than a modern parka. I too would expect the parka to be kept for messing around in the garden and the beautiful smart coat for trips out to grandparents (although if you don't like the coat, just for that) and saved for another generation going through.

Keep what you like, don't comment on what you don't, buy your own choice of stuff as well. Quietly charity shop anything you don't like and that would be noticed as missing, store the one that will be expected to hand on to the next generation.

It's not worth starting a war with your MIL over what are in the end gifts.

Well, my MIL saved DH's terry nappies and expected me to use them! And his sailor suits and rompers. Her taste in children's clothes is appalling and even DH screamed with laughter the one and only time I put DS into one of the rompers - until I pointed out that he must have worn them once upon a time

Your instincts are right, in my opinion. Your MIL is trying to take over with your child and you need to be very careful in your dealings with her.
You need to present a totally united front with your DH and insisting on your right to parent your child the way you want.

I just wanted to add that I bought a boy's navy blue school duffel coat from the '60s for £8 years ago. I lined it with black watch polar fleece, and it is the warmest coat I have. I use it every winter. So it can work!

CailinDana can I ask what the obsession with a bib is? Why does your MIL think your DS needs one on permanently.

Eglu - DS is quite dribbly and she's convinced he'll get a rash from it, I think.