to buy my own daughter a coat?

[UngratefulWretch]

My mil has kept most of my dp and his sisters' childhood clothes and toys, all preserved in perfect condition. She is keen to pass these on to our toddler daughter, which is nice. However, some of the clothes are incredibly twee, matchy matchy and make dd look like some kind of droll life-size porcelain doll from the Victorian era. Some of them I just plain old dislike.

Cardies and trousers etc are fine, obviously she can just wear them when mil is there and not at any other time. But some of these are 'key pieces' eg a winter coat which a) I don't like (it looks like a soldier's uniform! With piping! And brass buttons!), b) is v old-fashioned c) I don't think is warm enough as it is single-layer wool, despite mil's obsession that wool is very warm (she turns her nose up at anything that isn't 100% natural fibres) d) is a boy's coat.

While I LOVE getting hand-me-downs as a rule, and we are lucky enough to have several family members who pass on some great clothes to dd, I do enjoy choosing the odd thing for my daughter, especially when it's something like a coat or shoes. But when I then buy things that duplicate what mil has handed down- eg in this instance I bought a nice, modern padded, waterproof winter coat- mil gets all cats-bummy and disapproving, in a passive aggressive way. The unspoken implication, I feel, is that I'm rejecting her offerings, that I'm buying inferior goods, and that I'm being profligate by spending on something we already have. Her response to the nice parka I bought? 'That'll be good for messing about in the garden'!! The assumption being that the Little Soldier Boy coat would be her main winter coat.

I also feel like she is trying to imprint her childrens' childhood onto mine, to have her play with the same toys as they did, wear the same clothes they did, be brought up in the way they were. She totally defines herself as being a mother, constantly harks back all the time to when her kids were young, and genuinely believes (and has said) that her parenting was of the highest calibre. I feel she is 'making her mark' on my child. Perhaps this is mad though.

I feel very irate about this, as you can tell.

AIBU? And spoilt? And unpleasant about a kindly lady?

Sorry - can't spell today

Advice not advise - dah!

Could you not just make a HUGE deal about how excied you are next time she needs new clothes?

Start whooping and tell everyone in her earshot how MUCH you LOVE buying your daughter NEW CLOTHES!

You'll look mental but it may solve the problem.

I'm that someone would not put tights on a baby because he's a boy but be fine with using them for a girl.

tethers Isn't it you who has the living room decorated in orange and black?

What colour is your daughter's crimplene? Does it match the living room furniture?

I need to know this

Threads like these make me want to get rid of all my children's clothes.

Oh thank you. You are so right substantiallycompromised. Right, from here on I am going to steel myself, own my choices, and make boundaries!

Ha! wish I was just thinking to myself what a BIG! HUGE! DEAL! I am going to make of my daughter's new coat (the one I bought her) if it has arrived in the post today!

Oh send the coat to me!! It sounds fab.

Honestly though, DD has more than one winter coat - I think that is necessary in case one gets wet etc.

It's not really the coat though. I think a handful of loved hand-me-downs would be one thing but this seems like the OP's MIL has shrink wrapped her children's childhoods and now expects the OP to plonk them onto her children, values and all.

I agree Puffin, it's not the clothes thing that would get to me, it's the barbed comments about everything and the implication that the way the OP is doing things is the wrong way.

Wretch, does she talk to you through your DD - as in, does she make comments that are clearly directed at you to your DD? My MIL does this all the fucking time and I could lamp her one every time.

Hang on. I read the OP as that she'd preserved your DP's sister's children's clothes, not that she'd preserved clothes from your DP's own childhood.

Is it just me, or is preserving that much stuff from your DC's childhoods right into their adult lives just a wee bit bonkers?

My reply to 'that will make a great coat for playing in the garden' would be 'I know, that's all children need, it allows them to play without worrying about spoiling their clothes'.

YANBU, could you suggest she keeps the toys at hers for DD to play with when you visit?

If you could write it down maybe?

Dear MIL I love that you are so involved with the grandhcildren but you must rememeber that you had a chance to do everything your way with your children and now it is my turn to raise mine. It makes me feel pushed out when you comment on how I feed/clothes/pottytrain my children and like you don't approve, how would you have felt as a younger mother in the same situation? It may seem silly to you but sometimes I just want to have the opertunity to buy dd a coat that she and I both like. The way you must have enjoyed choosing it for dh when he was a boy.

something liek that that makes her feel guilty but gets your point across?

Loads of good advice on here.

Go for it Ungratefulwretch - you've hit the nail on the head with the boundaries thing

(and you'll have to change your nickname for a start!)

"tethers Isn't it you who has the living room decorated in orange and black?

What colour is your daughter's crimplene? Does it match the living room furniture? "

Yes it is

DD's current dress is orange, pink and yellow flowers with white edging and bib front. She looks great, even if she has got ketchup all down the front.

Like southerns letter.
I would also practice a phrase like
Thank you for your advice, but I have chosen to do it like this etc

Say this to yourself enough to have it on the tip of your tounge when she next visits

I agree with standing up for yourself more. The other thing you can do is pick pieces out that you could use and personalise them. Using the coat as an example, you could remove the brass buttons and replace them with a set in bright red or pink or yellow. Pick larger ones if you want and alter the button holes (I'm shit at craft/sewing stuff but even i can do that.) You could buy or make (if you're not me) something like [http://www.notonthehighstreet.com/polka/product/purple-flower-shaped-brooch this]] or this and sew it onto the coat. And if she then wears it with spotty wellies or a bright wooly hat it will be very much her coat. And you won't have her coming back from nursery with someone else's because it'll be a one-off.

Letters can be dangerous in that once they're written the 'insult' - perceived or genuine - is there forever in black and white.

[http://www.notonthehighstreet.com/polka/product/purple-flower-shaped-brooch this]]

I've been thwarted by not on the bastard high street.

Last try

I wouldn't write a letter, that may be taken as a declaration of war. The best way is to say thank you for the clothes and leave them in the back of the cupboard until they are too small and then give them back to her.

she sounds like a nightmare. Parents who pride themselves on the superior level of their parenting are generally a pain in the arse.

What's wrong with tights for boys, Crazyfatmamma? They are two socks knitted together. I got so incredibly tired of trying to keep my son's socks on that I bought a couple pair of tights - red, blue, white and just put those on him except on the hottest days of summer. Honestly, underneath trousers or dungarees no one will ever know. Or care.

The coat sounds fab, but I love retro stuff. I would line it with something cosy like polarfleece and "modernise" it and make my mark on it that way. Make both people happy. Or just buy your own coat... but as others have said, it's not about a particular item, it's about your MIL trying to muscle in on your relationship with your child. It sounds annoying. My MIL and more annoyingly SIL give advice about feeding, toilet training, sharing, etc, etc - is that not what MILs the world over do? I just calmly say what we're doing, and if I have the time and inclination I might explain why, but I don't just roll over and do whatever they did 5, 10, or 40 years ago.

Yes she does speak to me through my daughter, in fact she says things 'as' my daughter eg when dd hugs me mil might say 'oh mummy, I have missed you so much while you were at work!'. I THINK she is trying to be nice- and she IS nice, essentially, and adores my dd- but she is also trying to make a point when she says stuff like this.

And yes, she has saved her children's clothes (ie the children that are in their thirties now) and yes I do feel it's about imposing their childhood and her values onto us.

It is an ACE idea to customise clothes I don't like.

She is here tonight and I've been upbeat and unapologetic and haven't said anything to justify myself for, oh, at least three hours now!

Thanks all for your advice. This is strangely cathartic.