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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you how much time you spend with your parents?

68 replies

knittynoodle · 02/09/2011 11:00

I want to judge the responses really.

DPs family consider themselves 'close'. Older SIL goes to her parents house every day with her young son and spends all day there (I think thats so she doesnt have to cook dinner Wink), DP didnt move out until he was 34, and younger SIL and BIL still live at home. They are 27 and 20. We are expected to stay for dinner twice a week at least and DP goes round maybe once more than I do. We will be in the dog house if we cant make it.

There are only me and my brother and our very young cousins. We are what I would consider close, as our Dad died when we were very young, and our Mum couldnt cope and had trouble with alcohol addiction. Because of that my brother and I have a feeling of protection for each other and he'll often just facebook or text me, Love you Sis x My mum has been in AA for 5 years and is totally dry now and only expects to see us once a week. I like this arrangement.

Despite the differences, DP's family dont actually seem to get along at all. They spend alot of time bitching about each other and their cousins. In the same vein, because we dont see each other every day, they think our family is disjointed.

How does it work in your familys? Are you at either end of the scale or somewhere inbetween?

OP posts:
GrungeBlobPrimpants · 02/09/2011 11:45

Both sets of parents between 2-3hours away in entirely different directions, so tends to be for weekends maybe once every couple of months. DH's siblings much nearer but see them far less. Would like to see all more often, but tbh it's v difficult with dc's homework and other commitments (secondary). Speak on phone once a week. That may not sound much in contact terms, but I'd still say we were close.

My Gran lived down the road from us when I was little - she popped in to see mum for a coffee every day, we were expected to go there 5pm every weekend, plus other visits. I loved it as a child, but it was very, very restricting on my parents.

Fo0ffyShmoofer · 02/09/2011 11:46

jeez, alive all one word.

YouDoTheMath · 02/09/2011 11:47

I see mine at least once a fortnight, and try for once a week.

DP sees his about once a fortnight, and usually I don't go too (I think it's nice for them to see him with our DD and not me there, and MIL can speak more freely about certain things that she wouldn't mention if I was present, plus I don't feel the need to see someone else's parents regularly).

No wonder your ILs don't get on - they see far too much of each other and have unrealistic expectations!

numptysmummy · 02/09/2011 11:48

I see my mum every few days, my dad once a month or so - usually for the wkends and we see fil once a week and mil once or twice a month for a coiupple of years. I couldnt imagine seeing any of them less than that. I was brought up living with my parents, grandparents and great grandparents on same farm until i was 12 and it was a fantastic up bringing. I learnt so much from the older generations. I think it's sad that many families are so disjointed now. Of course i realise my childhood was in the minority and many,many people can't be near their families or wouldn't want to be. My dc's have a great relationship with their gp's and ggp's.

stripeywoollenhat · 02/09/2011 11:49

i see my mum about one afternoon a week - she usually drops by here for tea, more rarely we go to her house (two year old daughter incompatible with old lady knick-knacks). dp's mum comes to stay about once every three months for a long weekend (lives in another country). i see my siblings who live in the same city as me about every three or four weeks. two other sisters i hardly ever see.

there's no way i could spend three days of my week seeing my own family, not to mind in-laws. and i fully expect to see my own children only intermittently when they grow up: i want them to be independent adults, not to live in my pocket. (i expect i will miss them a bit, though)

Oakmaiden · 02/09/2011 11:50

My mum comes to visit me - maybe two or three times a year? My Dad will come with her maybe once or twice. Length of stay is anything between 3 days and a week (tending towards shorter).

I go to them around the same number of times probably, although it varies. Normally for 3 or 4 days, but occasionally for a week. My Dad is very AS though, and he copes better coming to visit us in our space than having my hordes of children (and my sister's children as they spend a lot of time with us when we visit) invading his space, so we tend towards short visits.

They live near Plymouth, we live in South Wales.

pommedechocolat · 02/09/2011 12:04

I speak to my mum 2-3 times a week on the phone for an hour at a time and see her 1-2 times a month. I speak to my dad often too as I do some work for him and see him probably just once a month evened out.

I think I'm close to them - I can say what I like and can tell them what I do and don't want them to do easily. They live 2.5 hrs away and are great about coming down when and as we want.

Pils - hmm! DH rings them every sunday evening. It seems such a duty to me to do it like that but that's what he's done since he went to uni. We try and make sure we see them every 2 months but they make it so difficult and get so moany about it it's quite hard. They live about 3 hours away.

My db - I see him about 3 times a year. It's great when I see him but we're both lazy about keeping in contact. He's emigrating though in the winter which is sad.

bil we prob see every 2 months or so like the pils.

dribbleface · 02/09/2011 12:05

2-3 times a week usually, see PIL less often about once a month.

B52s · 02/09/2011 12:09

2 days a week at PIL (I work from their lounge, they look after DC)
Maybe 5 or 6 times a year with my parents (1.25 hours away).

Always intend to see more of them but life (ours and theirs) gets in the way.

Paschaelina · 02/09/2011 12:09

DH sees his parents every day as he works with his dad and the office is at their home. I see them maybe every couple of weeks, depending.

I see my mum anywhere between weekly and monthly, as and when she drops in or we go for sunday lunch I suppose. Since my dad retired we have started having lunch once a week, but it feels a little too often TBH. I would be happy with fortnightly.

Kayano · 02/09/2011 12:13

Go to my mum and dads on a Friday and Sunday for tea/ Sunday dinner.

Go to MIL and FIL on Wednesday after work for tea.

We are all pretty close, even my
Mother and mil

Eglu · 02/09/2011 12:15

My Mum lives 2 hours away, so with her visiting us and us her, we see her monthly atm. It used to be more fortnightly, but we are all too busy for that now. If I lived closer to her then I would think I would see her once or twice a week.

Birdsgottafly · 02/09/2011 12:19

I see my eldest DD on average, monthly, at the least, because of changing shift patterns. I don't have an arranged visiting time with my mum, in her 80's, but pop in regulary, we live within walking distance of each other.

I would like to see more of my PIL's but because of working hours we don't get the opportunity. We have at least fortnightly nights out/barbecues/meals/drinks together.

mumeeee · 02/09/2011 12:27

DH and I see my parents about 4 times a year they live a 100 miles away from us. I do occasionally try and visit on my own. DD 1 is married and they try and get down to see us about 4 tines a year. They are here now and the next time we'll see them is at Christmas. I do try and speak tot parents about once a week on the phone and the same with DD1

Morloth · 02/09/2011 12:32

My Mum I only see a couple of times a year really as she lives about 15 hours away. My sisters probably about once a month or so.

My inlaws is every couple of weeks.

We are a huge 'close' family in that we all get on very well when we do see each other. I also know that if I need them, I could pick up the phone anywhere in the world and they will come running ASAP, as I would for them.

So while we don't always see a lot of each other, there is lots of facebooking and emailing and telephone calls.

TrillianAstra · 02/09/2011 12:33

In answer to your question - I see my parents around 2-4 times a year for a weekend(ish) each time.

That's plenty for me, and for them as well as far as I know.

It may go up if I have children, as they might want to see their grandchildren.

cuteboots · 02/09/2011 12:33

I see my mum every Saturday for a chat and a coffee. She is my rock and without her Id crumble I think. Any other family members are more of an as and when basis

TrillianAstra · 02/09/2011 12:34

Oh, and YABU, this should be in Chat really. You're not asking if you are being unreasonable, you are asking "how much time do you spend with your parents?"

BumbleBo · 02/09/2011 12:37

My parents live 5 hours drive away, so we see them maybe 4 times a year. PILs live down the road (& SIL) DP has close relationship with them, doing errands & stuff for them alot...it's nice they're close, I would have liked that with my parents Sad BUT it can get a bit much..especially when MIL is bored, I counted 5 phone calls one day! Because they are close I felt unwelcome at first, things are better now..still some odd things do happen, kind of subtle 'snubs'..for instance when I make biscuits MIL refuses to have any (I am not forcing her..... & she lurvvvvvves biscuits) once when we invited her round for cup to tea & I said I'd made biscuits, she brought her own round!! Hmm And no they are not horrible biscuits Grin

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/09/2011 12:40

Pop into my DP's mabe twice a week for a cuppa (its a 'popping in' house and always other people there too). See MIL maybes once a fortnight, but tends to be pre-arranged, maybe a lunch out or games night in. See FIL maybe once every couple of months.

Sis lives at home, never see her as shes never in, or asleep. Sometimes she surfaces for food (teenager) with last nights makeup on.

CrystalQueen · 02/09/2011 12:48

I see mine about once a month. Bizarrely they see my DH a lot more - they come up once a week to visit DD (2.10) but leave before I get home from work. They live about an hour away. It's not as if I get home really late from work, why they don't wait and stay for dinner is a mystery to me (we have asked). Speak twice a week on the phone though.

We see my FIL about once a month but he isn't as close to DH as I am to my parents. For some reason he came to visit us on holiday though Hmm

aquos · 02/09/2011 12:50

My dads dead, but I speak to my mum on the phone several times a week. I visit her for a couple of hours about once a fortnight. A couple of times a year we go out for lunch together and earlier this year we went on a girls holiday together for a long weekend.

Dhs dad is also dead. His mum lives 3 hours away. We speak to her on the phone about once a fortnight. Once a year she comes to stay with us for a few days and twice a year we go and stay with her for a night or two.

I hope when my children leave home to be in contact with them at least weekly, whether that's by phone or in person, just to know that they're ok.

PerryCombover · 02/09/2011 12:50

I see my maw about 4 times a week. GM twice a week. Aunts and uncles..at least some of them... once a week, ditto see some cousins every week
We are a large Irish family and this would be a very normal pattern where I live.

cleanteeth · 02/09/2011 12:54

I would love to see my family as often as your DP does! We're all split up over the country but we try to see each other as often as we can and talk on the phone a lot.

Family is important, dont wish them away

msbuggywinkle · 02/09/2011 12:56

I see my Mum once a week, she comes here for a couple of hours. Her house is not child friendly!

We see my Dad twice a year for a few days each time as he lives at the other end of the country.

See the ILs once a week for an afternoon, they are the more involved GPs.

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