To think this is not on....

[MrBloomsNursery]

I drive a banger. Well it's not a complete banger, because it gets me from A to B, and it does the job.
Anyway, recently I've decided I want to sell it and buy a better car, as I am pregnant and want a more reliable car to put 2 children in the back.

SIL has got wind of this and has asked me twice to "part exchange" it and get 3K to give to her, because she's going to get a new car by the end of the year and she can afford the montly repayments.... Somehow, I don't think this is fair or even legal! I mean we can't afford to buy a car on credit right now, so why would I give my car to her to sell and get 3K in return?

On top of this, my brother has taken a 15K loan out from my bank account which he repays every two months....AND he's borrowed 5K from me. This was over 2 years ago and I still haven't got it back yet, even though I asked about 2 months ago. OH, and the icing on the cake - they send their daughters to private schools, sent them on holiday to NYC over the summer and CONSTANTLY showed off about it to me about how much fun they had.

Now, I know some of you may say that I'm just jealous, but I'm not. I know what I can afford, and what I can't. I'm just pissed off that if they can afford all of the things above, then surely they can pay back the rest of the loan and give me my 5K back? I left my job last year, and we really need the money, with house repairs and obviously the new baby.

I don't understand, if I had borrowed that much money from someone I wouldn't have the audacity to show off infront of that person about things. Crappy poo and another thing - their birthdays are coming up next month, and I really can't afford to buy expensive presents......so what the hell am I supposed to do? Can someone please tell me some cheap present ideas for a 10 and 8 year old.

[AgentZigzag]

I would talk to them face to face about them paying you back, it'd be much easier for them to brush you off on the phone.

Get a time when you've specifically told them you're going round to theirs to discuss what shape their payments are going to take. (so not 'Is it OK if I drop by to have a chat about the money' where they can say no and give you more BS, but rather 'I'll be round on XX at XX to discuss it')

Like Collision says, draw up an outline of what you want to talk about beforehand, and what outcomes you want from the discussion, and then stick to it. Don't let them go off at a tangent, keep bringing it back to what you want to happen, firm but persistent.

Control the discussion by sorting out how you're going to answer their excuses before you go. Not using phrases like 'I'm afraid we need the money...' 'I'm sorry but...', 'Do you think it's possible to...?', and definately, definately leave your guilt at home!

You have every right to be paid back, if they have no intention of paying, it'd be theft. If they'd like to pay you back at a later date, they should ask you and then say when that date will be, but this would involve you agreeing to it, not even asking you is just so disrespectful.

Just out of interest, why do you let them treat you so appallingly?

[MrBloomsNursery]

I know I was stupid to let him take a loan out in my name - I must emphasize - he does pay it back into my account every 2-3 months when he gets the money together, but then I have a period of time where the money hasn't been put in by him, which makes me watch the pennies.

LRD - She keeps telling me that I could get 3K for my car, bla bla bla, I try to look interested, but don't listen, so TBH, I'm not sure about that part either. But she's adamant that I should part exchange it.

Agent - I'm the youngest in my family, and I've always been a bit of a doormat. I've fallen out with my sister in the past because she took an overdraft from my bank account to buy a laptop and then didn't pay it back until months later. This was when I was at uni. Then she took out a phone contract through my bank when I was pregnant with DD, and we just COULDN'T afford it. She wouldn't pay things back on time, and I cancelled the Direct Debit. She got pissed off with me, and we had a massive fight. I then set the Direct Debit up again to avoid further confrontation. The phone company she was with, went bust, and I lost alot of money - about £400, which she still hasn't paid back and it's been 4 years now so I can't even remember it, and would rather not bring it up again.

I've never asked them for money, ever. I don't know why they use me like this. I guess, I think if I say no, they'll label me as a bitch, because families are supposed to help each other aren't they?

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

I think it is pushy/suspicious she is so keen to tell you how to sell your car and how much it is worth, frankly. There's a website (Parker in the titel I think?) that tells you roughly how much a car is worth. I think it's rare (very rare) to get more than that for part exchange, unless the car is worth less than a grand/you're very experienced in selling and willing to dismantle it yourself and sell the bits privately.

Anyway, you don't want to do it so I agree, you need to just tell her to back off.

I would be tempted to write them an email - either they are living in a bubble and don't realize you need the money back (which, sorry, does sound possible as you sound very un-aggressive, to a fault). Or, they do know but are burying their heads in the sand. Getting it in writing is good because you can set out how you see things and play with the language you use until it sounds right ... and I think people tend to take written communication that bit more seriously.

[AlpinePony]

I'm as shocked as anyone else!

You said you went to uni, any friends there who did law and are now practising who could maybe help you out?

[mamas12]

omg i
I feel so angry for you op.
Can you try to channel my anger and get some bloody back bone.
The idea of writing yourself a script is a good one.
Do you email them as
i would email them to tell them that you are coming round on x date to discuss terms for them repaying you the money you lent them and that you need it now and you're sure that they will understand as you lent them the money when they were desperate and now you are too.

Write exacty how in your dreams you would like to be paid giving them a time frame too.

Then I would switch my bloody bank account straight away how dare they get acces to your back account

Good luck it will be hard because these people who are supposed to be your family are not treating you very well at all and it's time you stopped this rot now.
You prob will flal out but make sure you tell them if they want to fall out with you you still want your money!!

[buzzsorekillington]

Families are supposed to help each other, yes, but what is happening is that your family are screwing you over. They take things they shouldn't from you - like using your account and getting you stuck with an overdraft when you were a student. I mean, wtf? They're not helping you, are they? It's all flowing one way, away from you, not much coming back. Family's supposed to be about mutually helping each other, not them helping themselves at your expense!

[flyingspaghettimonster]

Don't call, write a letter and mail it to them, recorded delivery, and copy it too for your own records. You need to make it clear you are serious and that is the best way. You don't just want the 5k back, you want the loan back in full too so you can cancel it on your account and change bank set up to stop all your scamming family accessing it.

I think the best way to ensure you get the full amount back is to say that uness the 5k owed is paid back by x date (baby's arrival?) you will be going to court for the full amount including the 15k. Since the 5k is dodgy grounds legally speaking as to whether it would be considered a gift or loan, you need to give them an incentive to pay you back the 5k, before getting heavy about the other money. Once you have the 5k back you can then make proper legal arrangements to get the rest back.

Do you really care if you stay on good terms with these people? They are treating you like shit and clearly don't care very much about you or your DD, yet expect you to give expensive gifts, money etc. It isn't on, and you know it.

As for the kids' bdays, get what you can afford. a packet of yugiyoh cards or something in a card should do - or choccy/sweets. Or two sizes too large clothes from Asda :)

[MmeLindor.]

I don't get the car thing at all. Am I being thick? Won't you need the money you get for your banger for a new car?

And why does your family have access to your bank accounts? She took an overdraft from your account? NO, you must have given her the money?

Stop it. Stop it, right now.

Go and practice saying, "NO. No. I will not give you any more money. And while we are at it, I want my 5k back by the end of the month."

[MrBloomsNursery]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Okay, it hurts when I read someone else write it down- thanks buzz. Yes I'm an idiot and a pushover. There is no mutual helping going on here.

I think the one thing that is holding me back is the fact I don't want to fall out with them, and I am scared for my brother that if I force him to give all the money back, he will go into further financial difficulties, and I don't want their daughters to suffer for it. They go to a very good school, and although SIL's constant showing off about the school and their education is very annoying, I don't want anything jeopardising it because of me.

I do email them - but they only live 10 mins away. They know I'm pregnant and when I am due. I am hoping they will realise that we will need the money back before the baby comes along and I won't be able to afford presents and stuff.

God I'm so stupid. I didn't care when I was working, because we were doing fine and didn't need the money. I saw it as him saving some money for us, for a rainy day. We will be having rainy days soon enough.
God knows why I feel guilty. It's MY money. I'm just a chicken.

Thanks everyone - this is the type of arse kicking I need to motivate me. Okay, I am definitely going to do something about this.

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

Love, you are not stupid but they are not just going to realize, I promise you. They need the kicking, not you.

Honestly, this is absurd ... your brother is a grown man and you have given him lots of help. What does the rest of the family think to all this? Surely your parents must be shocked at the way he is acting?

[ThePathanKhansWoman]

MrBloom, family is the worst at times. What an awful position, they are being selfish,and taking your kindness for stupidity. I really hope your able to resolve this.

[manticlimactic]

Ok, listen. You are a fucking mug. Sorry that's harsh, but imagine this was your friend and she told you that family used their bank account to buy things. (did you give them the money or did they have your account details?).Then said that their DB and SIL sent their kids to a private school but are a bit slow at repaying a LOT of money they owed her and she was pregnant and struggling when the repayments weren't forthcoming.

Have to say I'm another one who doesn't get the car thing. You PX it, get 3k and give it to SIL who pays what monthly installments for what? And get a new car when?

[AgentZigzag]

'I am hoping they will realise that we will need the money back before the baby comes along'

You're doing it AGAIN!!!

You lovely, lovely person

You don't need an excuse to expect and want your money back, and don't wait for it to dawn on them (which they must know).

There's no going back on lending them the money, it's done now, but you can do something from today onwards, it's not a lost cause.

If you were being unreasonable they might have cause to call you a bitch, but you're not (and a thread saying you're not in AIBU is conclusive proof ).

Families do do things for each other, but within reason, this is not reasonable in any way shape or form.

Draw confidence from the fact that you are in the right.

[redexpat]

They are totally taking the piss. Stop lending other people money. Next time someone asks you say no I can't afford it, or no I am not in a position to help you.

Research some cars and offers etc and make the decision alone. If they mention it just say breezily oh it was too good an offer to turn down, and that you needed a newer car here and now. Don't get negative about it because it might put off your brother from paying you back.

For presents may I suggest oxfam chickens? Or possibly a book voucher?

[RandomMess]

Tell them you need the money back to buy yourself a car and because you're about to have another baby.

They sound very entitled, entitled to their current lifestyle even though they can no longer afford it.

[MmeLindor.]

Don't feel guilty about taking the money - YOUR money back. It is yours.

They will still be able to afford the school, don't worry about that. They are just trying to make you feel bad.

But, do you know what. Even if they cannot afford the school - it is their responsibility not yours.

They are living the high life and you are scrimping to save enough for your baby - that is not on.

[Deesus]

Don't hope they realise you need the money back before your baby is born. TELL them. They sound like they have a lot of stuff they could cut back on so say you need to work out a regular payment plan starting NOW. Be strong! Write down what you're going to say if you need to. If they argue keep repeating your stance - I need MY money back, you CAN afford regular payments, this WILL happen before my baby is born. Go for it!!

Also, can you lend us fifty quid?

[MrBloomsNursery]

Oh God, you're right Agent Mme...I shouldn't need an excuse for wanting my money back, but then I get all paranoid that they're watching what I will spend my money on, and whether I really needed it back....UGH WHY DO I THINK LIKE THIS?

LRD - Unfortunately I have no Mum, and I don't want to burden my Dad with my problems - he's ill and I don't want him worrying about this. My other brother thinks he should have paid me back ages ago - everytime we speak he asks me if I have my money back yet. Everyone knows he's in financial trouble, but I don't expect them to help me. I need to sort this out myself. Hopefully I will!!!

We need the money for 3 important things. 1. The baby. 2. The car. 3. The bathroom which is leaking and falling apart. I need to psyche myself up and convince myself these aren't luxuries! We want to bathe ourselves and our children in a nice clean bathroom!

[MrBloomsNursery]

Yea deesus, why don't I set up a Direct Debit monthly payment for you?!! (ha ha!)

[Deesus]

Worth a try! But seriously, good luck with sorting it out - when talking to them visualise the combined might of MN standing behind you!

[MmeLindor.]

Imagine us all standing behind you looking like this

[TheOriginalFAB]

How can you get a £15K pound bank loan if you have no money?

[Tchootnika]

Ooh, I love that pic, MmeLindor.
Good luck, OP.

[MrBloomsNursery]

Love that pic! Will definitely visualise MNetters behind me when talking to them!

TheOriginalFAB I took the loan out for him over 2 years ago when I was working full time in a decent paid job.