Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to not get married - DP says I am

79 replies

Imnotdarrellrivers · 29/08/2011 14:53

Right - this is causing friction between me and DP so really AIBU?

We have been together of nearly 12 years (I'm 30 he's 32) Expecting first DC in december.

About 5 years ago he started asking (I mean bringing it up not actually proposing) about marriage. My thing has always been that I was too young, didn't want to get married at 25, we where moving house, new job etc. He excepted that.

And it has come up systematically ever since. More so since we found out I'm pregnant.

Now there is no doubt in my mind that he is 'it', and that we will always be together ect.

But over the last few years (more so now in the last months or so) he has become adament that we should be married. He uses every reason in the book easier, makes things simpler etc but it is more than that He really really wants to be married, to be someones husband to have a wife etc.

My excuses to him have always been just that excuses. Really I have an adversion to being married (usual thing saw parents messy messy divorce as a teenager, dad never remarried, mums remarried twice and is always telling me this is the one. Brother married young divorced about a year later etc) DP on other hand wants what his parents have (35 years and counting). He has happy thoughts of marriage, I have only negative/upsetting thoughts about it

It is now causing arguments almost constantly, with DP saying that IABU because basically I don't want to be married, I never have and I don't think I ever will

So really AIBU?

OP posts:

RueyBoey · 29/08/2011 22:23

OP - you seem pretty wised up to legal stuff but this has done all the pro-con legal and more lists for you if it helps www.marriedornot.org.uk/Index.htm

MsHighwater · 29/08/2011 22:35

Your aversion to marriage is understandable but it is still irrational. If you are 100% sure that he is the one and if you are 100% committed to him, there is nothing to fear and much to gain from getting married. When you marry, you choose to share all that you have and all that you are with your partner (you can do that without getting married but you can't get married without doing it). When you marry, all that is yours becomes his and all that is his becomes yours. When your child is born, you both share everything with him/her. This is a good thing.

blueshoes · 29/08/2011 22:37

If you earn more than him and will continue to, don't get married. If he earns more than you and will continue to, marriage is in your and dcs' interests. hth

Original poster

Imnotdarrellrivers · 29/08/2011 22:49

blueshoes we basically (few grand different) earn the same. But he has 'money' (as in loaded family) which I always think of as different

Ruey Thanks

karma Thank you - that actually meant a lot

MsHighwater Thank you - that is a good way to explaining it.

Well a week to decide. Thank you all very much

OP posts:

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 29/08/2011 23:40

Whatever you decide, you really, really need to let him know exactly how you're feeling and why that is. Because right now he might be feeling really insecure and that's not fair. Show him this thread maybe?

jasper · 29/08/2011 23:45

DON'T DO IT !
why?
because you don't want to !

naughtaless · 29/08/2011 23:54

I am your partner - well not really, but you know what I mean. Dp and I have been together for 22 years, we have two children age 16 and 12, he doesn't want to get married, like you his parents had a messy divorce. I think he is a nob, really is it only what he wants that counts? am I not worthy enough to be his wife? why do I have to pay for his parents mistakes? I have NEVER said any of that to him. But, I have asked him if he wanted to get married several times over the years, he has always said no. He is one lucky man imo that I have stayed with him.
Any way, I am embarrased to tell you this, but 4 weeks ago he opened the post and informed me that D&S were having a 25th wedding anniversary party and we were invited, and I said that will be nice, its such a shame we will never have one of them, even if we married tomorrow! and he said book it. I have forced him into it.

solidgoldbrass · 29/08/2011 23:55

For some people, getting married changes everything. IN particular, for some people. getting married means a woman becomes a 'wife' ie a dependent domestic servant and breeding machine. Sometimes, when the man is the one who is very keen to get married and the woman is the one resisting, it is because the man wants the woman to stop being a person and start being a wife.
I don't know if this might not be part of the issue in your relationship OP, but how does it sound to you as a possible explanation of your reluctance and his enthusiasm?

naughtaless · 30/08/2011 00:15

Sorry OP, the bit in my comment where I said: He is one lucky man imo that I have stayed with him, was because like GeneralCustard says it just smacked of wanting an easy out if it all went tits up, and I too thought he was being extremely selfish.
I really shouldn't of posted, I took your thread too personally.

Original poster

Imnotdarrellrivers · 30/08/2011 00:23

It's perfectly find naughtaless for this one I think I need someone to take it personally. To let me see it from his pov. Really it is the only way I can work this one out
(oh and you never have to apologise of being effected and your views on something)

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 30/08/2011 00:47

Re. the namechange thing (not for you OP, you haven't said anythign about it) - a friend of my mother's changed her name by deedpoll to the same as her DP's, so that the whole family had the same name. (They also eventually got married but after they'd been together for over 20 years) So there are other ways around having the same family name than getting married.

Original poster

Imnotdarrellrivers · 30/08/2011 01:41

solidgoldbrass realised I didn't answer. I know where you are coming from but if I ever thought that is what DP thought/was going/is like I would be out of there like a shot (with his balls in his vice if I'm honest) He wants to have a 'wife' but he also wants to be someones 'husband' We are already basically doing those roles but he feels like he needs the words (if that makes sence). Realistically I know our day to day life wont change, it isn't that part of my head I have to convince
Thumbwitch nope - my name sounds good, plus I have a career established with it so that never even entered the equation. and wow - i've never heard of people changing ln like that for those reasons.

OP posts:

SouthernFriedTofu · 30/08/2011 01:55

sgb I dont think a man would play happy families for 12 years to trick his girl friend in to marrying him so he can make her is cleaner/cooker/breeder

tsunami · 30/08/2011 05:33

I'm going against the grain, here. The other side of the coin is that marriage is an outdated institution and really is only about chattels. In the Netherlands, a genuinely equal society, where I used to live, tons of people live together, have kids etc and never even think about it. In my experience (and after the shocking discovery of who my husband really was when it was too late) it can be abuse dressed up as romance to sugar the pill, and you're right. You can have the romance without selling out. By all means do the legal bit with some kind of cohab agreement though.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/08/2011 09:15

tsunami, there are good marriages and bad marriages, just as there are good partnerships and bad ones. I think that relatively few people view it as outdated, given that it has a deep emotional significance to many, even though you can get similar legal protection in other ways.

If my partner was prepared to draw up legal contracts to protect us financially etc, but wasn't prepared to say the words and make an emotional commitment (because that is all the marriage ceremony is if the legal stuff has already been covered), then I would be worried that his feelings were not as strong as mine.

naughtaless fwiw, I don't think you have forced your dp into marrying you. What you have done is express your sadness at a situation and he has finally caught on that this is important to you. Because he loves you, and wants you to be happy, he is going to get married even though he doesn't think it is particularly important or necessary from his perspective. He is putting your happiness first, which is a good thing in a partner. If you think that being married would make him actively unhappy (and I don't see why it would as nothing changes on a day to day basis), then perhaps you will come to a different conclusion as to how important it is to you.

Can only speak from personal experience, but my dh didn't think marriage was that important (Scandinavian background, plus unhappily married parents), so he did it because I wanted to. He now says that he feels better and happier for having done so and he loves that we are married. It does on a subtle level alter how you feel and for us it was very positive, even though I know that we were truly committed before we got married. He took a leap of faith based on my own belief that marriage is good (which in turn was based on my parents happy marriage and too many mills&boon as a teenager)

I know all this isn't logical, but peoples feelings aren't always, and that has to be factored in to what you decide.

solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2011 12:08

INDR: Fair enough. I just thought it was worth mentioning. I guess in that case it may well be a matter of ' if it means that much to him why not give it a go?' but do remember that your viewpoint is as valid as his and you need to talk it through with each other and listen to how each other is feeling.

steamedtreaclesponge · 30/08/2011 12:20

I'm with SGB on this one - a lot of people seem to think that not wanting to get married means there's something wrong with you, but please do remember that not wanting to be married is a perfectly valid point of view.

Have you read Wifework by Susan Maushart? It might help clarify some of your thinking. I agree that marriage can be helpful in terms of benefits, pensions etc but a lot of this can be got around by having good wills drawn up.

InTheArmyNow · 30/08/2011 12:37

Agree with SGB re the change when you get married (whch could or could not be n issue with you).

However, I would personnally get married when children are involved. For their financial stability at least.
Getting married will NOT guaranty you to either have a long happy marriage, nor will it mean that you are going to get divorced (and it will be messy). When you have some dcs involve, splitting up is always difficult.
but I think it even more difficult when you are not married because it is so easy for the woman to lose a lot.
You are saying you are both working with a similar wage. Will that still be the case with one dc in the mix or will you be going part time? And what about if you have 2dcs (or 3)?
With my H, we had the same wage when we had our first dc, also similar type of job. 8 years on, I earn more or less nothing, his wage has nearly double. I stopped working when I was made redundant just before I was due to come back from my second maternity leave.... Me working stupid hours meant... no change in our disposible income as it was all 'eaten' by childcare. So I stopped working.
Having dcs will have some repercusions in your job prospect, in the amount of money you will bring back etc... even if you earn the same than your DH now. It will also have some repercussions on your relationship with yur DP.

So just a word of caution. If you want to stay like this, it's fine but you do need to have a look at the split of assests, pensions etc... to protect yourself financially if you split at some point.

Note: I do not wish you to be that sitaution or tell you you will. Just plan for the future, the one you want with yuor DP and the one you don't want where you split up.

Original poster

Imnotdarrellrivers · 30/08/2011 12:41

steamed read it when it first came out (in a purely professional capacity) but maybe I should read it again (even if some of her arguments are flawed and...well i'm no on holidays so will not go into work mode )

Wow this is hard - SGB I know that in my head, it is just.....

OP posts:

motherinferior · 30/08/2011 12:48

Oh, of course you don't have to get married and you're not remotely unreasonable not to want to and honestly, you don't have to shamble reluctantly to the registry office if it makes you unhappy.

My partner keeps going on and on about getting married at the moment. We have wills, we have legal arrangements and I get half his pension if he pegs it...I just do not want to get married.

(And I do realise you can 'get married without a wedding' - that's not my problem actually, I'd quite enjoy a wedding, I love a party and especially a party that's All About Me - my objection is to marriage.)

Original poster

Imnotdarrellrivers · 30/08/2011 14:26

People are saying that we could just go to the registry office and have done with it, I thought you had to give notice of a few days before you got married? Have I got this wrong?

mother I'm the same I love a good wedding and a party (don't that fussed on it being about me). We also have wills etc. Is he ver very adament about it?

inyour In my head that all makes sense. I'm going back full time after DC. But I guess if we have more (which is the plan) I suppose I will go P.T and/or do more work from home. DH wage will increase over the next decade or so if he continues going the way he is going. So that is a good point.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 30/08/2011 14:29

Yes you have to give notice in advance (I think it's a couple of weeks, not sure exactly) - so no you couldn't literally just go there and get married tomorrow. But I think what people are saying is that you could have a very simple, hassle-free wedding if you wanted to, without all the usual frills.

Doesn't sound as though that's really the issue in your case though, if you actually don't want to be married, rather than not liking weddings!

MerylStrop · 30/08/2011 15:35

notdarrell
I don't think you are being unreasonable. I could have happily never got married but DH really really wanted to, so we did/are. My feelings not so strong as yours, clearly.

I would say though that You Are Not Your Parents.
And also that you might be being a bit chippy about the inherited money.
And that you owe it to your DP to be clear and honest about your feelings.

janeandmichaelbanks · 30/08/2011 16:10

No you are not being unreasonable not to want to get married but you have to be honest with your OH about your thoughts/feelings about it.
You also have to be clear with each other on if it is non negotionable thing as far as he is concerned. If it is what would you be willing to do?

GnomeDePlume · 30/08/2011 18:20

It is very naive to think that wills will be enough to cover all eventualities.

There are so many other things that could happen. If one or other of you was taken ill without the other present then your next of kin will be assumed to be your respective parents. Yes, it will probably get sorted out but in the mean time you or your partner will have had care decisions made for you by parents rather than each other.

Once you have your baby people will judge you both whether you like it or not. Unfairly the person who will be judged most harshly will be your DP as most people who dont know you will assume that it is your DP who doesnt want to commit. Those same people will simply feel sorry for you. Perhaps that wont matter to you but might well be something which matters to your partner.

At the start I dont think there is a huge difference between living together and being married. I think there is a difference as time goes by. The anniversaries year by year do add up. I do see a difference between saying 'we've been together for X years' and 'we've been married for X years'.

Flip

1 2 3 4