AIBU to not get married - DP says I am

[Imnotdarrellrivers]

Right - this is causing friction between me and DP so really AIBU?

We have been together of nearly 12 years (I'm 30 he's 32) Expecting first DC in december.

About 5 years ago he started asking (I mean bringing it up not actually proposing) about marriage. My thing has always been that I was too young, didn't want to get married at 25, we where moving house, new job etc. He excepted that.

And it has come up systematically ever since. More so since we found out I'm pregnant.

Now there is no doubt in my mind that he is 'it', and that we will always be together ect.

But over the last few years (more so now in the last months or so) he has become adament that we should be married. He uses every reason in the book easier, makes things simpler etc but it is more than that He really really wants to be married, to be someones husband to have a wife etc.

My excuses to him have always been just that excuses. Really I have an adversion to being married (usual thing saw parents messy messy divorce as a teenager, dad never remarried, mums remarried twice and is always telling me this is the one. Brother married young divorced about a year later etc) DP on other hand wants what his parents have (35 years and counting). He has happy thoughts of marriage, I have only negative/upsetting thoughts about it

It is now causing arguments almost constantly, with DP saying that IABU because basically I don't want to be married, I never have and I don't think I ever will

So really AIBU?

If you were a friend of mine and your partner was refusing to marry you- I'd tell you to get rid of him he is a commitment phobe. I would also say that if the shit hit the fan and someone was injured or ill it would make sense for you to both be legally responsible for eachother.

It is not going to hurt you, you think he is the one. Why wouldn't you do something to make him happy? I just wonder if you have other doubts about the actual relationship?

if i wanted to get married desperately and my partner refused, for whatever reason, i wouldnt stay. I would see that as him thinking i was not good enough to marry, and i would never be second best

If you don't want to get married, you need to make that clear. You also owe it to your child to make sure you've got yourself as legally covered as you can be not being married.

As others have said, a family splitting up is hideously messy even if the parents aren't married, except you'll probably walk away with less than you would if you were married.

YABU in my eyes, but mainly because you and your DP are the reverse of me and my DP. Although my DP has had the balls to say he doesn't do the whole getting married thing. BUT my DP, for some unknown reason that I can't think of to this day why he said it, told me a few weeks ago "oh I nearly proposed to you the other month, I just chose not to" knowing full well how I feel about marriage. It hurt.

Be straight with him. Either show him the committment and marry him - even if it's just to appease him - or lay it on the line and tell him you don't want that.

To me though it just smacks of wanting an easy out if it all goes tits up and is extremely selfish.

YANBU

Just tell him you don't want to be married ,you can have a committed relationship without marriage

OP, I have been with my partner, whom I adore, for quite a bit longer than you have been with yours, and we're also expecting our first child. I have always been adamantly anti-marriage, though my partner would have liked to marry years ago. No divorces in my past or in my immediate family. For me, it's an institution freighted with patriarchal prejudice and crap, and not something I have ever wanted to entangle myself with, plus I have always felt that the kind of woman who's been planning her 'dream day' since she was playing with her Barbies probably needed a more fulfilling mental life.

So I don't think you are in the least unreasonable. You are clearly committed. Having said that, we have decided to get married before the baby arrives - no one knowing, just us with two witnesses off the street and no fuss, which I actually find rather romantic as an idea. We'd looked into getting to a solicitor and drawing up a whole document with various next-of-kin rights, baby stuff on it, but it simply seemed easier to get married quietly, plus the idea makes the man I love happy - and I can understand him wanting to have legal parental responsibility for our baby, which he doesn't automatically have from birth if we remain unmarried. Nothing will change apart from the legal stuff. Good luck whatever you decide.

GeneralCustard, that is such a hurtful thing to say when he knows you would like to get married. Perhaps you should tell him that you don't actually want to marry an insensitive twat and are quite happy to keep your options open in case a kinder man comes along.

karmabeliever i've been stewing on it since he said it and know i'll end up spitting out something along the lines of what you've posted in our next row :( i can only hope he said it to test the water and plans on proposing one day :(

Some people are thoughtless and let the contents of their heads spill out unchecked. I think they are missing that filter which makes other people pause.

I think I'd try not to throw it at him in a row, however tempting. But I would have to bring it up - stewing on this is doing you no good at all.

It's hard because there really is no compromise. I just know that I would be gutted if my dh hadn't been willing to marry me. He came from a family where his parents really shouldn't have stayed together and like your dp felt no real need to get married. But the thing is I did. Because it was important to me it became important to him and he now says that he is happier married and can see why it was so important to me.

I guess this comes down to how important it is to you. But either way, he shouldn't have said what he did and I'd be hurt and upset too, so would have to bring it up and make him aware of how it made me feel.

I wondered about that too General. Did he sound as if he was testing the water? Was it said with some degree of humour or light-heartedness, or was said it as a put-down or in a spiteful tone of voice?

IME a man who says 'I don't 'do' weddings can be found saying 'I do' at some point in his life - usually after he's strung some poor female along for years and abruptly traded her in for a newer model.

OP, I don't really know if YABU........ I was very like you, I didn't want to get married because my parents divorced when I was a teenager, my mum has never remarried, and my dad has gone though about a girlfriend ever 2 years with a half-sister 28 years my junior just for good measure. On the otherhand my DH parents have been married 42 years! However, he also didn't want to get married.

We used to pride ourselves in how un-married we were - yet both totally commited to each other. I used to love telling people how long we had been together yet were not married.

However, once our DS1 and DS2 were born, I found I disliked being Miss X when the rest of the family had the surname Y. I disliked introducing him as my partner when I felt we were much more than that. I found I wanted to get married but he still did not want to get married, it played on my mind but I still knew he was committed and that he was the one.

Then about 2 years ago we went to his best friends wedding and it was lovely, very simple, in a registery office with their reception at a cricket ground, all the wedding guests were asked to being a plate of food as a wedding present.... And because his best friend said 'If you love her, and it will make her happy then why wouldn't you do it? It's simple' - and for whatever reason that struck a chord with my DH and his feelings changed.

So we went away for the weekend on my 40th birthday (after being together 19 years,) and got married with a couple of old friends as witnesses and then told everyone when we got back. No fuss, no drama, lovely, simple, happy days.

For you, if you could convey to your DP that he is the one, that you are committed and find it in yourself if you could in the future think about being married then perhaps it would be something you could consider?

Gee i could have written your post out myself!! Its practically the same in this house only we do have two children together already ..

I just dont want the fuss but i do want a nice time with friends. I have a complicated family and my dad wont come but i would want him there. I want it abroad yet im a control freak and couldnt bear someone else organsing it!

Oh and i dont want to change my surname but if i dont there isnt much point being married because it really is just a peice of paper (we have legal stuff in place regarding the dc if one of us pop it and we dont own a house yet!!)

Do what you want to do ...speak to him ,tell him its not that you never want to get married you just dont want to in the forseeable future. Honest 12 months ago it was totally out of the question for me but now im warming to the idea ..Slowly!! :o

Right I'm now scared, from people saying if shoe on other foot, friends, and about him. That he could leave because of this. I have never thought that but that is probably because I wouldn't (I can't really put myself on the other side for this one). But seriously he could leave?

I'm sure my adversion to marriage was mentioned many years ago while at Uni (maybe he thought that would change, or didn't realise how much it mean't to him) I know it has been wrong of me to lie/make excuses but (and it is not an excuse) I am an avoider.

We are commited (and as someone asked - yes to each other, and just want to have kids for the sake of having kids). And someone said about me feeling 100% about relationship - yes fully, I have absolutly no doubts about that at all.

Money I probably should be honest with myself is effecting my opinion. We both earn roughly the same and are sitting comfortable but DP comes from money (trust funds, inheritance etc) while I don't (DDad likes to say 'I made it good') So part of me doesn't want to 'get' that money (I refuse to spend said money and don't even like it when we used it to by our house, felt like it wasn't mine)

Legally (and someone mentioned kids - Fathers have legal responsibilty if married to mother/registered at birth (as not married both have to be present)/or with a legal order/agreement. So obviously as he will be on birth.cert that is no problem) we both know where we stand and about wills (DP is a lawyer so that is all covered)

I know I could just do it and I know he wants just to be married not a 'wedding'
But there is a big voice in my head (that sounds an awful lot like my parents) telling me not to.

He is away at the mo so I suppose I have a week to seriously think about what I want to do.

stoppinchingthedummy, it's not just a piece of paper though, and changing your name is neither here nor there (legally you will always have your maiden name - it is a recognised convention that we can use our husband's names but our original name is always ours to return to, should we want it). For some people getting married is deeply symbolic and very important on an emotional level. It's great if you don't want to and also meet a partner who doesn't want to, but if it is important to one of you and the other won't entertain the idea, then it does result in a kind of unease within the relationship.

Rightly or wrongly people interpret it as not quite being loved enough.

Why not have a few counselling sessions to try and unravel your reluctance?

This won't deal completely with it. (and someone I'm sure will say it is a bad idea) but as you admitted money is part of your reluctance, would you consider a pre-nup?
That wouldn't change your readiness to use said money (which if he see's it as yours, to be spent - after all you can't take it with you) but it may perhaps make you feel better about (if you do decide to marry) it, on the chance (obviously you hope it wont) you get Divorced. And so you know for yourself that it isn't about the money and neither does DP (which I'm sure he doesn't). To put your own mind to rest on that particular issue.

i feel a bit sorry for your DP if you've been avoiding the issue for so long, as it seems there has been a real misunderstanding between you.

in the end it's up to you OP. i can see why your partner may be feeling upset though. i found the arrival of our first child really changed the dynamic, and for the first time i felt a real want to be married. when we finally got hitched after her birth, it felt like we were really cementing the basis of our family. silly perhaps, but it was a big deal for me.

if it's important to your DP, you need to work through your feelings about this, and also understand his perspective. it sounds like this is important to him.

the money thing is a bit of a red herring IMO. now pre nups are starting to be recognised, you can always surrender your right to DP's family money if this is the thing blocking you from saying yes. if you do, make sure the DCs are protected though.

Look up some of Yorkiegirl's posts from the past if they are still around. financially and leggally there are sound reaons for being married and this becomes even more important should anything happen to you, even if you have wills in place. She posted in quite some detail as to the benefits of being married after her husband died unexpectedly a few years ago.

stoppinchingthedummy - the thing is, the 'it's just a piece of paper' argument works both ways - if you really think it's just a piece of paper, and getting that piece of paper would make your partner happy, wouldn't you just do it? The fact that you feel so strongly against it suggests it's more than that to you - and so it is to your partner, though the other way round if you see what I mean!

OP - I can understand your point actually about the money situation. It's similar for us, DP earns much more than me - though I earn enough to pay my own way and have some savings of my own - and he has some money from inheritance and generous gifts from his parents (his family is more wealthy than mine). I hate the idea that anyone would think I'm interested in his money, I am not like that at all.

Would you feel better if you could sign a pre-nup agreement?

I agree some counselling - maybe couples counselling for both of you - might help you both to sort out your feelings and the reasons for them. And maybe you can come to some kind of compromise?

yabu.
You live like you are married, but without the legal and the financial benefits. That is a bit daft.

If one of you were to die, your home would go to the next of kin, most likely one ofyour parents. You would not have any legal right or acces to anything of his, if he were to die, like accounts, car if in his name, etc. So, not being married can be much more messy than being married.

Also, golden word : inheritance tax

A pre-nup becomes invalid once a DC comes along, in the UK.

Being married does change your next of kin status. If you have a complicated family then it is more of a reason to get married. People do not consider the senario of Mental Illness. Under the Mental Health Act the line of next of kin is very defined, with spouse being at the top and parents following (not common spouse).

MH could be temporary following a car accident or whilst getting treatment for a brain tumour. Also whilst going through PND, it can make a very difficult situation, impossible, if family see the chance to step in and go against a partner that they have never liked.

You pick your partner, not your parents so i don't understand why you wouldn't want them to make the decisions.

At least make sure that you have a living will and your GP knows about it.

I think you are being unreasonable.

It means a lot to him and really if you were to split up after being together for so long, esp with DC it would be just as painful as if you were married, plus you wouldn't have the legal protection that marriage offers.

I agree with the other posters, unless you are much better off than him - ie more assets and earn a lot more than him you'd better provided for in the event of a breakup than if you weren't married.

Can you not come to a compromise that you'll do it quietly (ie registry office, no big party)? You don't even need to tell people at the time, maybe just bring up in conversation later than you got married quietly.

I married young and went through a hideous messy divorce.

I never ever wanted to get married again, but I met Dh, an it was what he wanted.

So I did, as he is a giant lovely.

I would advise anyone thinking about a pre nup to think very carefully before giving up rights to their partners assets.

Not thinking of you OP, because it sounds like you two will go the distance if you get married, but generally, a woman might give up any claim to her husbands assets, end up getting divorced and his second wife will not be putting your children first when it comes to ensuring they get a fair share of their father's money. At least if you take what you are entitled to, you can pass it on to your children. I know that sounds very grabby, but I think you can only rely on yourself in life to put the welfare of your dc above all else.