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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be seriously disgusted with my friend?

77 replies

DevotionAndDesire · 28/08/2011 20:01

I have become friends with the mum of a boy that my DS went to nursery with.
Her DS is the same age as mine, 4 almost 5.

I found out this weekend that she 'occasionally' leaves her son alone on a night when his is in bed asleep.
To me this is compleatly unacceptable, and I told her so.
But she argued that it isn't for long periods of time and that once he goes to bed he is 'dead to the world' and has never woken up during the night.
She also said that she wouldn't leave him alone during the day, it is only when he is asleep and 'safe in bed'.

I just can not believe that she thinks that this is okay, but after speaking to another friend with a child of a similar age she didn't seem to think it was that bad.

Is it just me or AIBU to think this is terrible parenting to leave a 4/5 year old home alone whether they are asleep or not for any length of time?!?

OP posts:
racingheart · 28/08/2011 20:52

How does she know he doesn't wake up? Or cry? Or get scared? She's not there! It's not OK.

My kids are 9 now. I give them increasing freedom during the day - they can go to the local shop on their own, or go on their bikes to mess around out of sight in the next street. But it feels safer to do that in daylight when they're awake and can communicate. If one gets hurt the other can tell me. At night they seem at their most vulnerable - if they woke in the dark and no one was there they'd be terrified.

CurrySpice · 28/08/2011 20:54

And FWIW I agree that YANBU, of course she shouldn't leave this child alone at night. It makes me quite sad to think about him / her waking up and wondering where their mom is TBH :(

maypole1 · 28/08/2011 20:56

TimeWasting depends were the bins are and what time of night you plan to do it, and how old your children are

If you live on the 12 floor in flats and have small children then not really

But your being very Foolish

Like others have pointed out

1- once you have left a child alone for a shot time the temptation to leave them for longer next time is their

2- is very easy to get waylayed 5 minutes can easily turn into two hours

2- if anything happened to you know one would know the child was on their own

3- Their is a break in every 37 seconds in the uk

4- the child could wake discover your gone either leave the home to look for you or injure themselves

5- some could see you leave see that it is. Regular thing a simply call the police

I could on why its not a good idea to leave your child alone but any one with half a brain will know this already

mumatron · 28/08/2011 20:57

worral I wouldn't leave him alone for longer at night as, if he woke up he wouldn't know what was going on.

If he's aware that I'm popping out for anything during the day he knows he can go next door if needs be.

I'd hate to think of him waking up and panicking just because I'd gone to the shop for something.

Carrotsandcelery · 28/08/2011 20:59

Someone recently linked this on a previous thread.

I think it says it all.

I am Shock that someone would leave such a young child.

maypole1 · 28/08/2011 20:59

To be honest I think even leaving a 4 year old alone in the day is a bit much

islawhiter · 28/08/2011 20:59

Praps she told you as a 'cry for help' praps she wants you to help her with a situation thats slowly running out of control, praps shes depressed? that woman who left her kids in the car while she was drinking said she was depressed. Praps she wants to stop whatever shes nipping out for?

ChippingIn · 28/08/2011 21:00

Izzy - it's really rude to shout. Your opinion is not the only one.

ballstoit · 28/08/2011 21:04

YANBU. It's never acceptable to leave a child that young alone in the house. Several previous posts have given examples of what could go wrong. I know my DC are pretty dippy if they wake in the night, and there's every chance they would try to get out of the house if they discovered I wasn't there.

I think you need to be talking to authorities such as the police or SS about this. Otherwise, if anything did go wrong, it wouldn't only be the mother who'd have to live with herself.

TimeWasting · 28/08/2011 21:10

Of course it's not a good idea to leave children alone for any length of time, but I think we have to trust our own judgement sometimes.

Blanket statements like 'never leave a child out of sight or hearing' is a bit hysterical.

ballstoit · 28/08/2011 21:20

I agree timewasting...it's nice to go to the loo alone sometimes Grin, and it's good for kids to learn to entertain themselves.

I can remember carrying PFB DS into each room I went into, all day, every day, but don't feel the need to do it any more.

worraliberty · 28/08/2011 21:22

Sorry I misunderstood you mumatron

I thought you meant you wouldn't leave him for more than 2 mins during the day Blush

muminthemiddle · 28/08/2011 21:25

I am thinking along the same lines as islawhiter could you in a non-confrontational way chat to her about it. Ask her where she would need to go in order to leave her child. She might be in desperate need of company on a night or something. I am not saying it is right btw. If she is in fact tripping to the shops she needs to get more organised and shop during the day when she can take her child with her.

bumpsoon · 28/08/2011 21:28

It isnt acceptable to leave a 4 yr old asleep in the house alone for any length of time ,unless you alert a neighbour as to where you are going and how long you will be . So if you are popping to the shop two minutes away , you knock on neighbours door ,explain where you are going and ask if they can listen out for your child for the two minutes it takes . Then at least if you get knocked down, mugged ,suffer spontaneous amnesia ,someone knows your child is home alone .

Original poster
DevotionAndDesire · 28/08/2011 21:30

I now realise that my other friend probably assumed that is was just the odd 2 minute run to the shops, which is probably why she didn't see a problem with it.

Using educated guess work I can't see that there is anywhere she can be going that is close to her house other that the friends place a couple of streets over, she lives on a large residential area on the outskirts of town and the nearest shop is at least a 15 minute walk, maybe 10 minutes if you ran.
But it takes a good 30 minutes to walk to the centre of town (where all of the shops/pubs/ext are) it's not a huge town it is mostly residential, the main road is small so there is not a whole lot of things to do here.

And from what she said it seemed clear that it was a regular occurrence.

The McCanns left their children asleep in their hotel room while eating the hotel restaurant, something that I suspect a hell of a lot of people do.
The fact that their hotel room was on ground level and had a sliding door that led out onto the street did make leaving their children alone sheer stupidity.
I remember on holiday as children we would go to bed and our parents would be downstairs in the restaurant or bar if we needed them. I think a lot of other people did the same thing back then.

Now adays there are so many options for childcare, even if you just asking a neighbour to pop round for 10 minutes while you nip out. No one should really have an excuse to leave their children alone.

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 28/08/2011 21:34

YANBU

Phone SS and they should deal with it. I have a friend who was left alone as a child alot. Got bored one night and played with matches. Burnt the place down and is scarred for life. How the hell does this dopey bitch know for sure her son doesn't wake up? She isn't fucking there!

prettyfly1 · 28/08/2011 21:40

I have two small children and honestly the amount of times they have gone to sleep and I have realised that we are out of milk or something and had to wait until the next day - I would rather that though then EVER leave my children in the house alone, even for a few minutes. At their age a lot can happen in a few minutes - I would never, ever, forgive myself. I will never forget reading a story last year about a woman who left her kids in the house for a few minutes while she did something (I think it was gardening). A fire started, they got locked in and she couldnt get to them and they all died. Being in your own garden when the kids are in bed - fine. Leaving them for any length of time to do other things - not fine.

greengirl87 · 28/08/2011 21:42

i would never leave my daugher asleep in bed... on her own... in the night! its a scary time for children, and i imagine that if this little boy woke up and couldnt find his mother he would be terrified! If she woke in the night and couldnt find him im sure she would be terrified! There are enough possibilites for children to hurt themselves whilst supervised, let alone in the night when its dark, and you cant see properly and your shitting your pants because your mum has gone and your 4 year old brain doesnt naturally come to the conclusion that she has nipped to the shops/neighbours/pub!
Totally unacceptable!

smallmotherbigheart · 28/08/2011 21:46

Its unacceptable. She needs to sort her head out... talk to her as a friend. I'm disagreeing with the whole SS suggestions because I don't think your friend intends to be negligent, she just needs a kick up the back side. Perhaps just shake her up, mention the McCanns and so on. Hopefully she will see sense. I take it she's ok with her child(ren) otherwise??

maypole1 · 28/08/2011 21:56

Just thinking as well most four year olds would nt be tall enough to turn on the lights even meaning they would be in total darkness

Poor little might I think even with my dd at 11 if he woke up to a empty home with me gone in the middle of the night we would be very upset

TimeWasting · 28/08/2011 22:05

Prettyfly, that is illogical though, the story you're using as an example is of someone in their own garden.

NorfolkBroad · 28/08/2011 22:13

Squeakytoy yes, that is what I would say. ONLY if the shop is in sight of the house and by that I mean directly opposite or a couple of doors up but otherwise absolutely not!

Sidge · 28/08/2011 22:19

It doesn't really matter how long she leaves him alone for or where she's going - what it boils down to is that by virtue of his age alone she could be prosecuted for neglect and abandonment.

If you know she has gone out and left him alone on a particular night you should call the police.

NorfolkBroad · 28/08/2011 22:21

UGH! This one is going to really upset and bug me. I have a friend who didn't used to leave her child in the house alone but had a really cavalier attitude to his safety. She once told me that when she went on holiday she left him in her campervan asleep (he was a baby) and she went across the other side of the site to spend the evening with her sister!! I was so horrified and she then admitted that when her husband joined her later in the week he was horrified at her too.

SouthernFriedTofu · 28/08/2011 22:28

Praps she told you as a 'cry for help' praps she wants you to help her with a situation thats slowly running out of control, praps shes depressed? that woman who left her kids in the car while she was drinking said she was depressed. Praps she wants to stop whatever shes nipping out for?

She mentioned it as an option for the OP not in a way that suggested she was struggling.