to seriously fucking HATE my mil!!!!

[lollipoppet]

Perhaps hate is a strong word.... she irritates me to a point where I think I would like nothing more to just punch her square in the face.

History in a nutshell: she left dp with his dad when he was three never to be seen again until dp at the age of 15 found her (had a shit, shit time with his dad)- all this has affected dp a lot! anyway, when I was pregnant, they fell out over somthing daft which resulted in her not seeing her grandchild until she was 6 months old and after I called her and persuaded her to talk to us again!

anyway, she is sssooooooo selfish and selfcentred it is unbelievable! she knows everything there is to know about everything, has done it all and got the t-shirt. she doesn't want to talk about anything other than herself. she sulked yesterday and spent an hour not talking to anyone and messing on het phone because dd was getting all the attention (dd is 11 months, she is 50 ffs)

anyway, this is basically a rant to just get everything off my chest I'm so fecking wound up (excuse any spelling mistakes please!)

oh and she'll be back in a few weeks for dd's birthday and I really really wish she wouldn't come! is that really awful?

sorry but if there was a poster on here saying i have a 3 year old but i am desperate to leave my abusive husband and cant take the child, blardy blardy blah, we would get knocked down in the rush for others to say oh do what you need to do, dont blame yourself, you are a fabulous mother blardy blardy blah

but on the say so of the DIL, this woman is the devil incarnate

laugh? you couldnt make it up

she didnt bother having contact with her son i think thats the issue not the state of her relationship with her husband!

I don't think any woman on here would be told to do whatever she needed to do if it involved leaving her 3 year old with an abusive husband.

Hell would freeze over before I left my dc and I have no sympathy with a woman who willingly does so.

Also, you can't be a good mother if you are not actually there to mother, defrocked.

I actually think wanting to punch her in the face is quite tame considering the hurt she has caused to someone you love.

I would beat my mil black and blue if it wouldn't upset dh and land me a criminal record. That's just the way I feel about people who hurt someone I love, especially when the person I love has to suffer the consequenses of that bitches actions every single day for the rest of his life.

Doesn't make me a bad dil, my ex's Mum would gladly have me back as dil!

The fact that your dp had a horrible time with his dad isn't just your MIL's fault. Surely the blame also lies with your FIL. Your FIL obviously wasn't caring to your DP.

You need to stop getting so wound up with your MIL. You know what she is like so you know what to expect from her. You're wasting your energy letting her get to you.

Nobody here other than the OP (and even that will only be the version she has been told) will know what made a woman leave her child behind. The child had a shit life because of the father though. Plenty of fathers walk out on their kids, and that doesnt mean the mother gives that child a shit life does it?

I agree it seems a lot worse when it is a woman who walks out, but usually there is a reason why the woman leaves and is unable to take her child, and that reason is almost always due to violence and threats. So before casting this woman as an evil witch, it may be an idea to think that there is a reason for her abandonment.

If someone is violent, what would possess a woman to leave her child with them? Even if they haven't shown violent tendencies towards the child, it is in them to be abusive. I wouldn't take the risk of that being turned on my child and me not being there to protect them.

I just don't get it.

Have you been in a violent relationship though Karma? I have, and I can very easily imagine how it could happen. In many violent relationships the father can be very kind and loving to his kids while beating their mother. Or the father can threaten to kill the mother, or track her down and kill both her and the child.

That may sound extreme, but if you are in that type of relationship, that fear is very very real.

Nobody knows if that is the case here, and it could equally be that the mother was just a crap mother who didnt give a shit. But it is unfair to assume anything really.

All I can think to say to you is you don't have to have this woman in your life and neither does your partner and your baby. Better no mother than one who brings negative things to your life.

I haven't squeaky, so accept that there is lots I don't know, but I would have the fear that he could turn on my children, because a man who beats his wife can not be relied upon to remain a non violent father.

threads like this make me appreciate my MIL. love her like my own mother.

Sorry for late response. Thanks for all your replies, although I'll just ignore the ones calling me a chav and vile!

Dp (for some reason) wants to give her a chance to see us and dd. He says she is still his mother even after everything. It makes me really sad when he talks like that, makes me think of him as a young lad looking for his mum, even though she had left him without a backward glance just because she's his mum and he wanted a mum.... :(

I don't deny one bit that his dad probably had a big part in her leaving and yes it is his fault that dp had a shit childhood. However I absolutely 100% agree with those of you who said WHY would you leave your child with a violent horrible man?? There is nothing in this world that would make me leave my baby, particularly with somebody who I was frightened of. Plus, mil is the type who loves drama and telling stories so if dp's dad had threatened to kill her etc. we would definitely have heard that tale. Instead she tells us some nonsense that social services asked him, a three year old who he would like to live writhing and he chose his dad because he had just bought him a bike! And that was that decided, 100% contact with dad, 0% with mum. Hmmm.....

Anyway, the bottom line is that dp wants to give her a chance with dd (why, I couldn't tell you and I don't want to argue with/ upset dp) so I have got to some learn to stop getting so wound up with every word that passes her lips and start ignoring her lies rather than being reeled in. How do I do this??

Oh and I've already said the minute she puts another foot wrong, that is it. But do you think she could actually do damage to dd? Obviously she is very young at the moment but in the future? In what way? And even if she feels secure with us and she has wonderful gps in my parents who adore her and see her at least weekly...

I have had many days when I really wanted my mum but I want a mum, not my mum so I can understand your DH's feelings on that. My mother was a terrible mother and her decisions shaped my life. She never put me first. Some people are just too selfish.

Give your DH some support. He is hurting and you slagging off his mother is not going to help and is not your business tbh. Let him do what he wants but make it clear his daughter comes before his mother and she gets one chance.

"Instead she tells us some nonsense that social services asked him, a three year old who he would like to live writhing and he chose his dad because he had just bought him a bike! And that was that decided, 100% contact with dad, 0% with mum. Hmmm....."

Lollipoppet - yes, that kind of says it all about her character! The child (aged 3) made the decision. Not her responsibility.

I would allow her contact if that was what my dp wanted, but I would insist that either he or I was present, so that we would have an idea of what was being said to our dc. If it turned out that she was not a better grandmother than she was a mother, then I would tail off contact.

I can see your point of view Op I wished we had cut all ties with MIL years before we did she was vile but I was brought up to respect my elders no matter what in the end she caused to much damage to my children that I could no longer forgive her.DH is still damaged from the way he was treated by her as a child and he's 54 she died last month and it was a relief for us all.

She is what she is

Either you are willing to have that in your lives or you are not

The anger and hate will affect you (and your daughter) far more than it will ever affect your MiL ... my advice would be to try and let it go

I said previously that you don't have to have this woman in your lives.

Does your DH need answers from her, if so and she isn't willing to give them then cut contact, otherwise it will do him more damage and this will cross over onto your DD.

I had an abusive childhood but i have gone through it with my DM and decided that i can accept her as she is. I don't accept one bit of crap from her and she knows how far to go with me as i challange her the minute she steps out of line.

I make the decision how i am going to be around her at Christmas, i don't pretend for my children i am honest with all of them, we have used it as a learning tool to relationships, now they are older. My DM is great with them now, once she understood that what she had done was wrong and she certainly didn't do it to my DD's (smaking, emotional abuse, game playing etc).

She will never be the mother that i would have liked, she isn't able to be. I will never get my childhood back, but you can learn to live with that.

Just to say that there wasn't support for single mums or protection from violent partners, so some of what she is saying may be valid. Women were also told that violence from your husband wasn't a reason to leave and you would be doing your child more damage by taking them with you. SS also operated completely differently. The law wasn't in place to protect women and children.

Decide what your DH needs from her and if the relationship can be positive, lay ground rules and stick to them. Don't stay silent 'to keep the peace', thats exactly what women were told in her day, break the chain.