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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

lost child

82 replies

devonshiredumpling · 27/08/2011 21:50

i was clothes shopping yesterday and coming out of the shop felt a little hand grasp mine (my two were at a local theme park with my dp) . this little girl looked up at me and started really crying i asked her where her mummy was and i shouted at the top of my voice is this child anyones ( i had plenty of witnesses) and this woman came over and scowled at me as if i was a lunatic the look she gave me was of pure poison . granted she did not know me she had lost her child but she did not even say anything to me .AIBU to expect a quick thankyou for alerting her

OP posts:

Dylthan · 28/08/2011 08:29

Just to add I was going to thank her if she would of given me a chance and despite her making me feel like shit I was and still am incredibly grateful to her for finding ds.

Catslikehats · 28/08/2011 08:33

People are odd.

My mum found a toddler walking alone outside a shopping centre, near a very busy road. Guessing the child had come from inside the shopping centre she took her inside, approached a group of people and asked "is this your child". The response was "what the fuck has it got to do with you".

lovely

Debs75 · 28/08/2011 08:33

My 2 elder children have both wandered off and all 3 times I have thanked the people who found them. Even the nasty policeman who thought our ds(autistic) was being neglected and wanted him kept in hospital whilst the social workers were called. I really wanted to punch him for what he was saying, and for not letting us see ds by ourselves but he had found my son who was next to a very busy road and I was so thankful. I said thank you to him and his nice partner about 20 times.

I wasn't once embarressed about losing them I was devastated that something could of happened to them. If you are more worried about being embarressed that you have lost sight of your kids that you can't say thankyou then you aren't a very nice person

SoupDragon · 28/08/2011 08:38

The woman may not have actually lost her child. She may have known exactly where the girl was. However, the girl mistook you for her mother and was then upset to find out you went, hence the crying.

In this scenario, I would be irritated that someone needed to bellow asking who the child belonged to. when DD vanished in a shopping centre recently, however, I would have been pathetically grateful to whoever returned her to me. in this case it was DS1 though.

It's not black and white

SoupDragon · 28/08/2011 08:40

TBH, if you didn't tell her that the girl had grabbed your hand and then started crying, it could have looked like you had grabbed the child's hand, shouted out and made her cry. You don't appear to have offered the mother any explanation.

AngryBeaver · 28/08/2011 08:45

I spotted a lost child at a theme park the other day. She was wandering after a crowd of people shouting "mummy?Muuumeeee?" and getting more and more distressed. I went over to her and she was very suspicious of me,didn't want to hold my hand or go with me. I asked her what her mummy's name was and she said "Mummy!" I was just about to alert one of the staff and her mum came walking up and just said "there you are x,where did you go?" and walked off.
I was a bit er,you're welcome.
But later on they were queing for the same ride and she came over and thanked me and said she was in a real state and had gone into blind panic and only realised later she hadn't thanked me.
Fear overides manners sometimes.And what is more terrifying than loosing your child?

tallulah · 28/08/2011 08:45

I think the OP actually got the wrong end of the stick. I have had children grab my hand, and remember doing it myself when I was a child- all adult legs look the same. Generally the response is "wrong mummy".

The last time my DD (4) did the same I was right behind her. I don't think I'd have appreciated the person bellowing "Is this child anyones".

rhondajean · 28/08/2011 09:38

DD2 is a wanderer off-er. Since she reached the stage of being too big for reins its been awful and at almost 7 its not getting much better. I have learnt not to panic and just stay where I am while sending DD1/DH to walk round looking for her. I know she will not leave the shop.

We have found her at customre service desks; looking at the toys; wandering aimlessly in tbe bread aisle; my personal favourite, in the Benefit chair at Debenhams drinking juice and having some skincare products shown to her. In Sainsburys we know to go straight to the deli counter. She can vanish in an instant - I reach for a tin of beans, shes gone.

Very very rarely has anyone stopped her and if someone had her and was looking for me I would be effusive in my thanks. She always gets a row though!!

One time in Ikea, when it was busy, she walked up to a man with dark jeans on (we could all see her) and put her arms round his legs and called him daddy. I dont know which of the two of them got the bigger fright!! There were tears and hurt pride that day - although we did manage to calm him down eventually....

So yes YANBU, manners cost nothing as the saying goes.

Ripeberry · 28/08/2011 09:53

I was at a baby group once with my DD2 and she was only just 1yr old, we were in the hall with lots of other mums and babies toddlers and I had to go to the kitchen area to get something and in that short time, DD decided to cry like mad as she could not see me (was playing happily before then) and this intefering woman picked her up and was asking "Who's child is this? Why are you letting her cry?"

It was only a matter of a minute or so and then that woman spent her time scowling at me. It was my first and last time at that baby group.

Ripeberry · 28/08/2011 09:55

I was more angry that this stranger had picked my DD up, most people would sit or stand by a crying child, especially in a baby/toddler area.
Picking up crosses a boundary (in my eyes).

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/08/2011 10:15

What tallulah, ragged and soupdragon said.

The shouting thing was odd and you sound smug. I'd be pissed off with you tbh.

ChippingIn · 28/08/2011 10:27

Ripeberry - the other woman over reacted considering the short amount of time you left the room for and there's no way I'd ever berate anyone for 'letting the child cry' - I'd simply say, 'Here's Mummy - see she's come right back' and there was barely a chance to pick the child up in this case.

However, if a child is upset/lost/distressed I will always pick up them up if that's what they seem to want, the child is my priority - if the parent doesn't appreciate that, well - I'm prepared to put up with a scowl or a wtf are you doing... I've got big girl pants I can pull up

ChippingIn · 28/08/2011 10:28

I can see what the others are saying - I guess it depends if it was a 'wrong mummy' moment or a 'I'm lost hold my hand big person' moment really doesn't it.

4madboys · 28/08/2011 10:31

i always thank people if they find and watch any of my boys that wander off, which they have done on occasion.

and ripeberry whilst i wouldnt have scowled or been cross with you i may have picked a crying baby up, i hate to hear crying babies, just cant bear it, tugs at my heart, so i would probably have picked her up and just consoled her by saying 'dont worry mummy will be back in a minute' and would have understood that you were just getting a drink. my own dd does the same sometimes and at the toddler group i go to we all keep an eye out for each others kids and would console a crying baby if the mother was busy ie getting a drink, dealing with a toddler, nipping to the loo (but its a small toddler group and very friendly :) )

garlicnutter · 28/08/2011 10:48

Nowt so queer as parents

I once saved a child that was drowning in a swimming pool. Her parents came over, took her off me and shouted at me for touching her!

kitbit · 28/08/2011 13:01

Maybe so Ripeberry but was anyone looking out for your dd when you left the room? Did your 1 yr old know anyone else there? At that young age maybe it's better to ask someone to watch her and tell her who it is. Otherwise scared baby in a roomful of strangers. I may also have hoisted up my judgypants if I'd thought you'd assumed we'd all watch your baby without checking.

Original poster

devonshiredumpling · 28/08/2011 21:00

thing is this was outside a shop in a very very busy car park . there were people everywhere as well as loads of cars . turns out the mother had gone to the other side of the car park about one hundred yards away so might not have known where to look if i had not shouted

OP posts:

stoppinattwo · 28/08/2011 21:18

I lost DS once - he was 3 and DD was newish born....and for a couple of panicky minutes had the shop in uproar..

Until I remembered that I had left him at home with DP and it was just me and DD out at the shops

Lookes like a complete twunt,,,,cringing now as I had to say "actually, you nkow what, he is at home with DP"

MyCatHasStaff · 28/08/2011 21:36

I don't mean to be pedantic, but it's probably best to task the child who their parent is, not issue a general alert, any old pervert could grab their opportunity and say yes, that's my child, and you hand them over. I used to live near a half-way house for paedophiles (lovely) and you would be shocked if you knew just how bold and blatant some of them were.

MyCatHasStaff · 28/08/2011 22:48

ask the child, even

AuntieMaggie · 28/08/2011 23:28

YANBU

Was on a day out and this little boy about 2 yrs old was wandering round trying to find his mum - spent 20 mins trying to find his parents and walked all the way back to the entrance asking everyone we passed if they knew who he was. Finally found his parents who were too busy sitting around chatting to notice he'd been gone. No thanks. The mother said 'I thought I hadn't seen him for a while...' Forget the fact that he walked past a big pond and god knows what to get to where I was! Poor little sod.

marriedinwhite · 29/08/2011 09:14

I don't know. We once came across a lost boy at legoland - probably 5ish. Chatted to him, asked who he was with, what mummy was wearing. He was on one of those little paths off the main drag. DH had a scout behind and ahead. There were four of us - dc then about 7 and 4. After about 5 minutes we decided to walk to the info centre so an announcement could be made. As we walked towards it, woman ran to us - I tried to explain what we were doing - she swooped on the lad shouting at him - hurried off with him - not so much as a thank you for looking after him; trying to do the right thing. I was horrified at her rudeness - not a thank you or a smile or a sigh of relief.

I recall describing it once before and I got absolutely slated for walking from the spot where we found him and you lot all seemed to think one of us should have stayed on the spot with him and one of us should have taken him to the help point. But you don't think like that when it happens - you think about what you would have done and I would have gone straight to the help point as the mother of the lost one. Whether we did it right or wrong - we were kind to the lad, we put him at his ease, and we kept him safe and a thank you wouldn't have gone amiss. Though I do recall DH saying he wasn't surprised the lad wasn't too upset as the mother was such a rude woman.

biddysmama · 29/08/2011 10:30

if that was my child i would have probably kissed you ds1 (now 9) was a runner!

thekidsmom · 29/08/2011 10:37

Fear and panic make you forget your manners, believe me.

I don't think I ever thanked the mum who found my youngest, then age 16 months, 14 years ago at Paultons Park! I still think about it and its still the worst half hour of my life.

So I'll thank her now - to the lady who walked around holding up my little girl after she'd rescued her from the top of the big helter skelter slide (where she'd followed her brother whilst we told her sister she couldnt go up there!) - the biggest THANK YOU ever.

We were in such a state we just had to leave and go and sit in the car, so I probably never even looked the lady in the eye, let alone said thank you.

lurkerspeaks · 29/08/2011 11:19

I retrieved one of my the neighbours kids (he must have been about 3) wandering gleefully down the road at my parents house last year.

The only way into the street from his parents house is via the house so he must have escaped via the front door ie there is no gate from the back garden.

By a process of deduction I worked out which house he must have come from and rang the bell. His mother opened the door, grabbed him and slammed the door in my face.

I was a bit bemused but rationalised that she must have been horrendously embarrassed as I don't think she had noticed he was missing, and then terribly panicked about what could have happened.

She and her husband have form though. Her husband once screamed at my, much younger, sister for failing to deliver his paper in a timely manner one Sunday morning. He refused to let her speak until my Father intervened at which point my sister informed him that she didn't work for the shop that delivered his paper and was in fact one of the neighbours children returning from her paper round at the other local shop. He didn't apologise.

I don't think this had any bearing on my experience though as I am home so infrequently that I doubt they know who I am.

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