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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Jealousy or just being a bitch?

26 replies

iwillbrushmyteethbefore10am · 27/08/2011 00:04

After agreeing to babysit my mum is going to see my sister instead. not sure if the excuse of double booking is genuine or that it's because my sis has just announced pregnancy, really think it's the latter. I had really difficult pregnancy, birth and aftermath and have really struggled to keep it all together, however I suspect this will form the picture for the next nine months and beyond. I'm used to it but am really irritated on behalf of DS and can't seem to just let it go - someone tell me to grow-up!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 00:06

Can she not take your DS with her?

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2011 00:07

Do you feel able to talk to your mum about how important a night out for you is?

Original poster

iwillbrushmyteethbefore10am · 27/08/2011 00:08

No - he's only relatively newborn and it's 200 miles away, was only for a couple of hours. Otherwise yes that would make sense.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2011 00:09

Put yourself in your sister's shoes... announcement of pregnancy, would you expect your mum to go and see you straight away? Did your mum not do that for you also? Have you congratulated your sister yet/been to see her?

There's only a short 'window' for close family to congratulate a pregancy but surely there are other times aplenty where your mother can babysit for you if you want her to.

Original poster

iwillbrushmyteethbefore10am · 27/08/2011 00:12

My mum didn't even ask how my scan went and came to see me once during pregnancy. The pregnancy is very, very, very, very, very new - as in two weeks. I have congratulated her and am very pleased for her but I do find it difficult not to be jealous as I was a little alone throughout mine.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2011 00:16

Can you rearrange going out?

I don't think you're being a bitch feeling pushed out, if you're taking it as a typical example of how it is between you, your mum and your sister.

Do you know how your sister is feeling about being pregnant? Could she be worried and need your mum?

Original poster

iwillbrushmyteethbefore10am · 27/08/2011 00:19

I'm not going out - it's just in the day for a little bit - I haven't been out for a night out yet.

This is a typical example and don't want DS to be pushed out too.

I don't for sure that this is the reason she is going to visit, I've been told it's to go shopping.

OP posts:

ZhenXiang · 27/08/2011 00:26

YANBU - your mum made an arrangement with you to babysit.

Your sister is only newly pregnant and that does not warrant a visit at any particular time, my mum didn't see me until I was 10 weeks pregnant this time round and I told her at 5 weeks. With DD it was over 3 months until I saw my mum, she congratulated me by phone.

She will be pregnant for the next 9 months for goodness sake. Unless she is suffering relationship problems relating to pregnancy, confused about keeping pregnancy, ill, bleeding, suffering badly from all day vomiting or equivalent she can wait.

If I had a sister and my mum did this I would be mighty p'd off.

It is much more important that you as a new mum with a newborn baby be given a couple of hours to yourself, especially when you had been banking on that time.

Sarsaparilllla · 27/08/2011 00:28

Aw, I feel for you, that's a bit rough when you've been looking forward to a couple of hours to yourself, can your mum babysit another time?

Have you spoken to your sister, does she know your mum is cancelling babysitting to see her, depending on your relationship could you talk to her about it?

Original poster

iwillbrushmyteethbefore10am · 27/08/2011 00:31

I think I agree Zhen, thing is I was bleeding and vomiting all the time through mine and didn't get a visit to help.

If I speak up, I always end up going completely over the top and coming across as a bitch but really don't know how I'll keep my mouth shut.

And how will I be able to explain things like this to DS as he grows-up?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2011 00:39

Could you steer a course between going over the top and keeping your mouth shut?

Although I can understand that can be a struggle when you're talking to some people (having to talk to your mum I mean, not you)

Even if it changes nothing, you'll feel better that at least you've said something, and your mum might get a pointer that you need her as well (does she actually know you need her to show she cares for you a bit more? I'd want to know if you were my DD)

squeakytoy · 27/08/2011 00:48

who is 200 miles away? you or your sister?

BimboNo5 · 27/08/2011 01:38

I dont get why someone 'needs' a visit because they are knocked up?

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2011 01:40

I'm trying not to laugh when I say that's an outrageous thing to say Bimbo!

BimboNo5 · 27/08/2011 01:49

Is it? What 'knocked up'? Its better than tubbed/up the spout/got one in the oven etc!
Okay then I will rephrase- I don't get why an adult needs a 'visit' because they happen to have found out they are pregnant

PerryCombover · 27/08/2011 01:57

Please take a breath

Families are mental! very often! but taking any event at its worst possible case scenario will not help.

Tell you mum that you'd like her to keep the arrangements she has.
Listen to why she doesn't want to do so
Speak your reasonable piece
I doubt you are irritated on behalf of DS and you need to admit that this is hurting you and probably has little to do with pregnancy. Do you see other occasions where she has acted in this way?

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2011 01:57

It was the way you said it that made me laugh Bimbo

But there are countless reasons why someone might feel they need support if they've just found out they're pregnant.

Been ttc after multiple miscarriages? Feel like crap with raging hormones and don't know whether they can do it? No support from the Dad and are feeling lost at sea?

The OPs sister might not have said to her why their mum feels she has to call off the plans.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/08/2011 01:58

It may be outrageous Agent - but ain't that the truth

You just keep right on telling how it is Bimbo, we need some brutal honesty on these pages.

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2011 01:59

Probably cross posts with you Izzy, I totally agree with you

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 02:04

I agree too - she's just found out she's pg, i.e. her period's late and she's done a test, and she needs a visit from her mum?? Why? And why does it have to be on the day that the OP's mum has a prior engagement? What difference does one extra day make to go and see the sister?

Am on your behalf OP - sounds like favouritism in play to me - even if Agent's multiple reasons for support are possible, I still think one day isn't going to make any difference.

GotArt · 27/08/2011 02:19

yanbu... your mum could've waited a day to go see your sister.

iscream · 27/08/2011 03:43

My mum didn't even ask how my scan went and came to see me once during pregnancy.
I don't understand the situation.
Does your mother and sister live 200 miles away from you?
Is distance why she didn't visit during your pregnancy?
Is this a usual thing, for your mom to break her word, does she favour your sister?
Does your mother drive?

Jacksmania · 27/08/2011 06:25

"I fail to see why someone needs a visit because they are knocked up" :o

Best. Line. Ever.
I heart BimboNo5 :o

I'm sorry that your mum is ditching her plans with you - that's not fair. :( And I'm sorry nobody was around for you when you had a tough pregnancy. That's shitty :(

notlettingthefearshow · 27/08/2011 06:39

YANBU. Your mum shouldn't let you down on babysitting.

Is it possible your mum doesn't realise what a tough time you've had and therefore that you need her support? Or is there a reason why she needs to see your sister now, e.g. too busy in later weeks, sister needs support? I'm just giving you mum the benefit of the doubt, as otherwise she is just playing favourites.

2 weeks is barely pregnant at all and I'm wondering why your sister is spreading the word so quickly - most people would wait another month or two.

Original poster

iwillbrushmyteethbefore10am · 27/08/2011 11:38

My sister is the one who lives miles away, my mum lives only a few miles away from us.

I don't understand why my sister is spreading the word so quickly either, but she is usually one to put random woe is me stuff on FB which really annoys my elder sibling. She goes through phases of desperately needing handholding from mum but doesn't reciprocate this by visiting back etc. I suspect she is very good at giving mum a guilt trip if she needs to. I don't think it's necessarily favourites but more that she knows I will just accept things as they are and will deal with it but sister is more needy.

OP posts:

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