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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To remind you all to be careful 'what you put out there'

62 replies

deemented · 26/08/2011 20:28

Now, i'm pretty open when it comes to MN. What you see is what you get. I've spoken about lots of topics, including the death of my firstborn son. A little while ago, i received a PM from a journalist asking me to speak frankly about the fetal anonmaly that my son had and why i decided not to abort him. There was one, possibly two threads i've spoken openly about this on, but i know for a fact they were a good while ago - and i'm talking months here. So this journalist would have had to be looking through old threads to find out these things. I find that kind of creepy and somewhat stalkerish.

There is no way that i would ever want to speak to a journalist about DS1, no way at all. He's mine, iyswim, and i don't want to share him with just anyone. I realise now that i'd done that to a degree anyway, but that was in context, and not just random, iyswim?

I've reported the PM to MNHQ and also asked that the comments i made on the thread in question be removed.

When i commented, i never realised that in months to come, some hack would come along and see my dead son as an oppertunity to further their careers.

Maybe IABU, i don't know, but i think we all need a little reminder every now and again that what we put out there doesn't alway dissapear into the ether.

OP posts:
Honeydragon · 26/08/2011 22:36

Deemented Sad

I got approached by a journo about 6 months ago in regards to a comment I made about ds and the royal wedding. Not as invasive as what you went through but certainly asking more info than I would want to give. I reported straight away as they had breeched the rules and not gone through Mnet.

HQ were brilliant and said they would take the email address and remind her that we are people ... it's not MN being mercenary and protecting copyright. It's obvious they monitor this very well, as long as they are made aware Smile

Good on you for reporting.

MmeLindor. · 26/08/2011 22:42

There is a difference though, between a jouro searching MN for inspiration or information and contacting posters.

The eavesdropping on a bus is a good RL analogy.

If a journo were to ask about mums who live overseas, if they would share their experiences - that would get a different response than PMing posters. And that is something very non- controversial.

To disrespect the feelings of a poster who as lost a child - that is incredibly callous.

bonkers20 · 26/08/2011 22:48

I wonder which bit of "PLEASE NOTE: Private messaging is NOT for journalists....." the journalist didn't understand. I really hope MNHQ take it seriously.

I am very sorry about your son.

Honeydragon · 26/08/2011 22:49

Agreed Mme 100%, and they have abused a system for members that clearly states it is not to be used for those purposes.

2shoes · 26/08/2011 22:50

that is awful
but you are right, and I am careful what I say on here, not only for the reasons you give, but there are posters who will drag stuff up months later.

michelleseashell · 26/08/2011 22:51

That's shocking. I completely understand what you're saying. It's your baby, your story. You want to be able to talk about it but not to have someone think it's a commodity to be sold! Disgusting. And how horrible to bring it up to you suddenly like that.

Tons of sympathy for you here.

michelleseashell · 26/08/2011 22:54

Oh didn't make myself clear, I mean 'it' as in your story, not your son.

Maryz · 26/08/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor. · 27/08/2011 05:59

It is interesting to read that several MNetters have been contacted by jouros recently. This is a clear abuse of the PM system and I hope that MNHQ are making sure the journos know this is not acceptable.

When vulnerable posters share their stories on MN, it is not to give journos the opportunity of a good story, but to receive and offer support.

I would be concerned that some posters are not aware that MNHQ should be informed about this, that they think it is normal and are persuaded to speak to the journalist then later regret it.

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 27/08/2011 06:14

YANBU, it's easy to forget that even though MN feels like a community, it is open to anyone in the world. It's good to be reminded now and again. I change my name quite a lot now - I'm not on MN so much since I've started my job, so I don't feel I'm missing out on being "well known" on here IYSWIM.

Just the other day I managed to find out through very basic googling the name of a poster's DD - she had been in the newspapers for a particular thing and the poster had her surname in her username FFS! Muppet.

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 27/08/2011 06:15

Just to clarify, Muppet wasn't the surname...

wellwisher · 27/08/2011 10:27

Gah, I meant a real life ANALOGY not anomaly! Blush

MmeLindor. · 27/08/2011 10:52

Wellwisher
If you hadn't corrected yourself, I would never have noticed. :o

Original poster
deemented · 27/08/2011 11:20

I wouldn't have either, wellwisher Smile

Just heard from MNHQ, they are going to have words with the journalist involved and are quite happy to delete my posts from the thread in question when i bring them to their attention, which i now will do.

OP posts:
HoneyPablo · 27/08/2011 11:25

YADNBU, I do think we tend to forget that anyone can read our posts. I know I do. I was PMed a while ago by some people making a tv programme about troubled teens, after I posted about having problems with DD. I just ignored it. It did make me namechange though.

motherinferior · 27/08/2011 11:36

Do you feel the same way about PMs from journalists you also know as MNers? I've contacted friends from MN - I'm talking people I've posted with for months - to ask, say, if they'd be prepared to be interviewed about things like sleep, or breastfeeding. (This was years ago. I don't think I've PMd anyone for ages.)

motherinferior · 27/08/2011 11:37

FWIW, I'm always happy to send people copies of stuff I've written, and frequently do. And I've been PMd by people who want features I've done about things like second births or SPD or autism...

MmeLindor. · 27/08/2011 11:45

MI
I don't know. If it were someone I "knew" then perhaps. It is a difficult one. I know that you are a journalist, and a MNetter, but you are not the latter to enable you do be the former, iyswim. But I guess that some are MNetters to get to the stories.

And it is unfair that the actions of some journalists make MNetters who happen to be in the trade, feel that they have to justify their actions. I know that there have been threads where people have sought out MN journos, in order to get their story in the press.

It is not easy for MNHQ to enforce, and as this thread shows, it is being abused regularly. These are just the people who have noticed this thread, and have posted on it. There must be many more who have been contacted by journalists and just ignored the request. Perhaps MNHQ needs to make it clearer to all posters that they do not condone this?

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 12:05

Sorry to hear about your son OP but I do think the journalist probably typed something like 'fetal anonmaly' and other words into the search...rather than go after you 'personally'...in fact they probably contacted other people too if they had spoken about it.

I'm not saying that makes it right, but perhaps they wrongly assumed because you'd spoken about it in public, you'd be happy to continue to do so IYSWIM.

motherinferior · 27/08/2011 12:13

And it may not, originally, have been a MN search at all. If you google something like, say, 'period after mirena' (I've recently written something on fertility after different forms of contraception) MN threads will come up on Google.

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 12:15

That's a good point MI

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2011 12:25

I wonder if anybody gives a thought to the family members that are 'outed' in RL as a result of what some people blurt out here. It's all very well to put your life story on the internet but family members can quickly become 'collateral damage' and that's really not fair. We all know that journalists trawl these sort of sites looking for 'stories', it shouldn't then come as a shock when they find them.

Maryz · 27/08/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baguettecut · 27/08/2011 14:03

I don't know....If you put your story 'Out There' for all to see, is it right to be offended when a journo wants to talk about it? Just say "No Thanks" and move on. I think the journo has been a bit lazy, but perhaps wasn't aware of the PM rule, I dunno. This is a w-i-d-e open forum. If the details are there (and all symapthies with the OP) then can the journo be blamed for essentially trying to do their job.

I originally found out about Mumsnet from a Google search on something I wanted more info on, (as an aside).

MmeLindor. · 27/08/2011 14:36

Private-messaging guidelines
We do ask all folk to show the same courtesy in their private messages as elsewhere. If you receive a private message that breaks our guidelines, please do report it to us at [email protected].
You can block a poster from sending you more private messages by clicking the red 'Block' icon next to their name on a message to you.
PLEASE NOTE: Private messaging is NOT for journalists or market-researchers (or advertisers/company reps) to contact Mumsnetters. If you are a journalist or market-researcher and would like to canvass our members' opinions, please mail [email protected].

If you get an unsolicited private message from a journalist or market-researcher (or someone trying to spam you with advertising), please feel free to report it to us at [email protected].

..............................................................................................

I do think that there is a difference between a journalist searching threads for ideas for articles and PMing MNetters to ask intrusive questions.

And just because Dee posted about the circumstances surrounding her DS's birth and death, does not mean that it is ok to contact her about writing a story. She presumably posted, not to tell everyone about what happened, but to help another poster - to share her experience.

If I were to be contacted by a journalist looking to write about life as an expat in Switzerland, I would be less bothered. But to contact a bereaved mother is not on.