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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider doing a personal bankruptcy without telling 'DH'?

52 replies

Atwaroverscrabble · 26/08/2011 11:20

ok....
I have just had my session with CCCS and one of the main recommendations was to consider bankruptcy... this is really tempting and I wish I had acted on it 8 years ago but I thought I could manage it all... I had, and still have the opinion that I took out the debts so I should pay them back but its becoming impossible. These are debts from my bad divorce from xdh in 2003 (Awful solicitor, I ended up with most of his debts! arghhh)

anyway, in our house, hubby (been together 5 years, dsd (16) my ds (12) and our DD (21 months)) gives me a chunk of his wages each month towards bills etc and then I pay everything. It is tight and any suggestions of more money is met with huge arguments and tension... (he basically fritters/drinks £200-£300 a month...)
this has really affected my ability to pay my debts, along with the periods of when dh wasn't working/paying less than he should have done...

we have no assets, no savings and I still have 7-8 months of my PhD left and no job lined up yet...

we are arguing alot and I don't know if we will stay together or not, and I know that if I say I am doing this he will moan, metaphorically bash me on the head with this etc and try and say it will affect our future hopes of buying a house. my thoughts are that my credit record is shit anyway, and at least with bankruptcy in 6 years it will be clear, without it we will have no money and still have the debts on the credit records!

would IBU if I just did it and didn't really tell him?

OP posts:

Jjou · 26/08/2011 11:23

Don't you legally have to tell him though? And if you're married then you'll be linked on his credit report and vice-versa, so surely it will flag somewhere if he checks his online or something?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/08/2011 11:25

I think you have to find out how it will affect him financially. If it will actually affect him, then it would be most unreasonable to do it without telling him.

Or you could leave him first and then declare yourself bankrupt>

TheFlyingOnion · 26/08/2011 11:25

How would you feel if he did it to you?

If my DH did something like this without telling me and I found out, it would quite possibly be the end of the relationship for me...

lachesis · 26/08/2011 11:25

I'd do it, but tell him.

GodKeepsGiving · 26/08/2011 11:26

I really do think it would be unreasonable for you to do it without his consent. I understand that finances are very difficult, but I'm sure it can affect his credit rating too. Perhaps you could get some persuasive documentary advice to encourage him to go bankrupt if that's what you really want but I think if you do it without telling him you risk losing his trust which could be disastrous if you're having serious problems anyway.

olderyetwider · 26/08/2011 11:26

Don't do something this big an long lasting without telling him, it will destroy trust beween you. Does he know the extent of your debts?

didyouseewhatshedid · 26/08/2011 11:27

I think you have to tell him OP. If you don't it will, without doubt, come back and bite you later down the line. FWIW, can't you sort some deal with your creditors? Have all options being exhausted? Bankruptcy is not the soft option it is sometimes painted as.

scrambedeggs · 26/08/2011 11:27

id say if you cant discuss things with the person you are married to, the marriage is pretty much doomed anyway, so the question will be irrelevant soon anyway

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 26/08/2011 11:29

SOme utility companies will not take you as a bankrupt customer, and there are restrictions on the type of bank account that you can have (which limits who you can bank with).

What about the house? You must be renting, and if your name is on the lease you may find that the company/person letting to you will not want to renew due to the bankruptcy.

I don't see how you could hide it from someone you live with, there are too many repercussions from filing for bankruptcy to keep it secret.

pebspop · 26/08/2011 11:29

if you have any joint financial products (mortgage, joint account, savings etc) he will be affected by your bankruptcy.

just being married doesn't create that association on your credit report so if you have no joint financial products he won;t be affected. That is until you apply for a joint product in the future.

my dh has bad credit but as we don't have joint products it doesn't affect me despite being married. he doesn't appear on my credit reports at all.

Original poster

Atwaroverscrabble · 26/08/2011 11:29

thanks everyone. I don't want to upset him and I did ask the counsellor if it would affect him at all (it won't) and tbh he doesn't have any credit, doesn't even have a debit card (just a cash card) and is less money savvy than my 12 year old...

I would have to save up for the bankruptcy fee anyway so I will take the time to talk to him and let him know what/why/how etc...

I just wanted a reality check.... and it may be irrelevant anyway if we split!

OP posts:

FaultyGoods · 26/08/2011 11:29

Although difficult, you have to tell him. It is unfair of you to make such a big decision, which will have an impact on him, without discussing it properly first.

pebspop · 26/08/2011 11:30

not sure what job you plan to get in the future but some employers will not employ bankrupts. accountants, solictors etc

Original poster

Atwaroverscrabble · 26/08/2011 11:33

thanks pebs, I have also checked this and my future careers are safe with bankruptcy...

I have been paying reduced payments for 7+ years and its still too much, on the advice of CCCS I am now dropping this to £1 each a month and giving myself 6 months to decide/save up....

I have ummed and arrred about this for years now, and I know its not a soft option but i think now its my only option. To clear all the debts within 10 years would need an extra £150 a month minimum, I don't have that at the moment nor foresee it in the near future....

OP posts:

eurochick · 26/08/2011 11:36

But if you get a job at the end of your PhD (and I acknowledge that is not certain), £150 a month will probably seem like very little.

Litotes · 26/08/2011 11:41

But you only have 8 months left of your PHD don't you? Once you are working, even if this is only part time, you should have the £150 per month that you need.

I understand that 10 years is a long time to be paying off a debt, but it is your debt and it there is a realistic option of being able to pay it back, I think you should.

Is interest still mounting on these debts, or have you been able to get the credit card companies to put a hold on it?

If you do decide to go for bankruptcy, you really do need to talk to your dh - unless you have so little respect for him that his opinion is not important to you...

Original poster

Atwaroverscrabble · 26/08/2011 11:42

yes, but then my childcare will rise from £500 a month to £1150 a month, plus travel costs, work clothes etc...

My first 'job' if I can get one will probably only earn me a maximum of £500 a month more, probably less. It will take 2-3 years to get the experience needed to earn a decent amount. And yes, the PhD is essential for this work

OP posts:

Original poster

Atwaroverscrabble · 26/08/2011 11:43

The interest has been frozen on most of them for 5+ years. I have managed to pay off around £6-8000 in that time too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Atwaroverscrabble · 26/08/2011 11:48

with regards to talking to DH about this, he gets very angry when I ask for more money towards the household costs as he then assumes that he is subsidising my debts from my first marriage. He is not, he has never and I will never ask him to do this.

What is particularly annoying is that when he moved in (just stayed, no actual convo) I supported him whilst he was on incapacity benefit for about a year, likewise when he just decided to leave his job and it took 2 months to get another one. All this time I was studying full time, looking after my DS and I had 3 part time jobs and yet now he thinks its ok to keep £200-300 a month to himself for beer/fags/music mags etc....(This has all been covered on previous threads under a diff name and I know I need to address this too)... so my level of respect is eroding I am afraid but I will discuss this with him...

OP posts:

Sn0wGoose · 26/08/2011 13:58

tbh I think it's a bit u that he gets mad about "subsidising the debts from your previous marriage". Surely he knew about them when he married you??

pippilongsmurfing · 26/08/2011 14:28

Your relationship can't be too good if you cannot talk to him about it.
How would you feel if he did stuff like this and didn't tell you?

I wouldn't think you should do it behind his back as you don't know how it may affect him financially, with regard to credit ratings.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/08/2011 14:34

Going bankrupt will seriously affect your job chances. Plus you spent the money so yes you should pay it back, 8 months left of studying to go so am sure your creditors will wait a while longer. You could have worked part time at least and made the £150 to pay the debts anyway rather than rely on your husband to pay them for you.

KindleAddict · 26/08/2011 14:50

I have PM'd you. I went BR back in July 2008 and was definitely the right decision for us. It has not affected things for us as a family at all. I am much better at managing finances now as I know exactly where I am with incomings and outgoings. Yes I was stupid for getting in debt in the first place but I have learned my lesson and would never accept loans or credit cards or even mobile phone contracts again.

I have never had a problem with any of the utility companies and have always been upfront about the bankruptcy. One area that could be an issue is household insurance. Some though not all companies will ask if anyone in the household is BR and if so will decline or give excessive quotes. We don't bother with household contents insurance as we don't have lots of valuable things either. We rent privately and it has not affected us having just moved house as we avoided agencies as they do credit checks.

I really recommend you visit this forum forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=136 as it was a lifesaver to me at a time when I felt suicidal with all the worry.

Emma

PerryCombover · 26/08/2011 15:04

tell him and then accept the advice of cccs
if you need to become bankrupt, do so, and move on

shame on you lot, the op knows she has money problems and has acknowledged why they occurred

SpamMarie · 26/08/2011 16:11

I can't imagine not telling my DH. Even if we had completely separate finances, he'd feel there was a breach of trust if I didn't tell him about such a big thing that could affect the whole household.

I hope it works out for you, and if you do tell dh, that he is understanding and supportive. Good luck to you.

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