Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Be So Cross With DH

32 replies

SoCross · 26/08/2011 10:10

We're due to go to a wedding tomorrow night (evening do). I've not had any invitation and it's all been organised by boy talking to boy so I've just let DH deal with it. Some weeks ago he called me off the cuff and said something along the lines of "this wedding, the groom needs to know if we're going to stay at the hotel or not, I think we don't stay and just take the baby (6mo) with us". For some reason I did not question the logic and said, sure whatever. Over the weeks I've thought hmm, not sure about this Hmm but I'm sure he's got it all planned.

Fast forward to this morning and wow, turns out it isn't a good idea to take a baby to a wedding evening do after all - who knew! And if I thought it wasn't a good idea I should have said something sooner even though I regularly get flamed for always wanting things my own way.

So am I being unreasonable in thinking he's a complete PITA and that the fact we now need a babysitter at very short notice is neither my fault nor my problem?

OP posts:
Filibear · 26/08/2011 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

smoggii · 26/08/2011 10:34

YABU - your own fault... never let a man organise anything

bubblesincoffee · 26/08/2011 10:36

Why has it turned out that taking the baby isn't a good idea?

TheOriginalFAB · 26/08/2011 10:36

Send him on his own.

Gonzo33 · 26/08/2011 10:38

lmao @ smoggii

I think that post hit the nail on the head.

Original poster
SoCross · 26/08/2011 10:38

Yeah, I guess it is my own fault, I'm still cross though. Just thought I'd let him sort this one out. I suppose no harm done, I found a friend to sit for the baby, just need to have the make up chat with DH now.

OP posts:
clam · 26/08/2011 10:42

make up chat? You're discussing makeup with your DH?! Grin

ShirleyKnot · 26/08/2011 10:42

Hmm at the suggestion that men are incapable of arranging things.

anonymousbird · 26/08/2011 10:43

Oh god, I feel for you, but seriously I can only reiterate - never let a man organise anything.

Frustrating I know, but generally they are useless at that sort of thing and never think of the details at all.

Have a good time!!

Callisto · 26/08/2011 10:45

I don't think it's your fault. Don't let him off the hook for being bloody useless. It is his baby too, he is surely capable of realising that babies and evening events don't necessarily mix.

anonymousbird · 26/08/2011 10:46

Shirley - may be a sweeping generalisation but from 14 years of bitter experience with MY DH, he is incapable of arranging things. I've given up getting cross/frustrated, and I just do the arranging, even for things that only he is involved in I still have to prompt him to check details/phone ahead or whatever. It's tough as I don't want to be a nag, but equally if anything at all is going to happen or he/the family are going to make it to any particular event, then that is just how it has to be!

TheOriginalFAB · 26/08/2011 10:50

Some men are incapable as they have mothers and then wives who do it all for them

Portofino · 26/08/2011 10:52

YABU. You should have asked him in advance what the plans were.

dreamingbohemian · 26/08/2011 10:57

FAB spot on Smile

Original poster
SoCross · 26/08/2011 10:57

Well he can be good when he wants to be but I think the truth is neither of us has so far put much thought into this. But from my pov that's because I didn't want to nag about it, he'd decided that's what we should do and he gets a say. I think this is a touchy subject, we had a row in the shop the other day because I wanted to get one version of something, he wanted to get a different version and he was angry because I always say no to what he suggests. But that's because he's usually wrong and I'm usually right.

Bubbles, I don't think it was ever a good idea to take him, would be different if we were at the wedding all day but an evening do feels much more like a nigh out and you wouldn't take a 6mo on a night out would you? Plus guess who's the one who'd end up stuck by the pram all night? DH or DW? I think it woulld be easier if the baby were younger but at 6mo he's in a great routine but is also very interested in what's around him.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 26/08/2011 11:02

I'm in a particularly bad mood today. So please feel free to ignore the following rant.

Men aren't incapable of arranging things, or planning things. I'm sure that if the DH's being discussed here wanted to go on a ...ah screw it, if we're doing stereotypes let's go the full hog...golfing weekend they would manage to arrange and organise themselves then.

grr

Callisto · 26/08/2011 11:09

Perhaps you should allow your DH more equality in the relationship in general then OP. Then you wouldn't be 'nagging' him and he wouldn't feel you always think he is wrong.

eurochick · 26/08/2011 11:10

Shirley, I agree. If my husband suggests doing something that I don't want to do (like going away for the weekend to stay with his relatives) I just leave it to him to organise. There is a 75% chance that it will never happen and a 100% chance that I will get a reprieve of a couple of months from whenever it was originally planned. Wink

TrickyBiscuits · 26/08/2011 11:15

Most men are more than capable than arranging things, as are most women. Personally I am shite.

If there are more men who appear to not be able to, that's probably because we tell them constantly they're not. De-skilling innit.

anonymousbird · 26/08/2011 11:24

I have tried the "let him get on with it, see what happens approach" many times... have tried very hard NOT to do it for him, but it ends in tears/us getting cross, so it's just not worth it.

And Shirley, DH is going on such an event - away with the boys and it's in less than two weeks and it's overseas and there are so many things he hasn't even thought of yet re getting him/equipment etc to the right place... someone ELSE in the group has booked the flights and hotels and every time I ask about something he just says "Oh, trip organiser is bound to have thought of that". Hmm.

ShirleyKnot · 26/08/2011 11:34

Heh. Let him get on with that trip AB - I wouldn't even mention ANYTHING.

Original poster
SoCross · 26/08/2011 11:36

But I don't think he's incapable, he's very good. I think I'm most cross because I was damned whichever way I went. If I saw a problem and organised a babysitter I'd be undermining him. If I saw a problem and let him get on with it, I was setting him up to fail :(

That said, I 100% agree with eurochick and have used that trick on occasion to get out of things I might not entirely want to do Blush

OP posts:
eicosapentaenoic · 26/08/2011 11:37

SoCross I'm feeling it. Had this with my DH and family 'just come along, it'll be fine'. Spent the evening in hotel room with twin babies, no food. Spent 2 hellish weeks in holiday villa with babies, one sick, no transport. While they partied. Let 'em feel the consequences of their thoughtlessness once in a while, I say. Act martyred rather than rage or you will explode. And suit yourself at all times.

Original poster
SoCross · 26/08/2011 11:37

btw I already feel less cross for talking about this, which I guess is the point of venting to strangers on an internet forum

OP posts:
Smellslikecatpee · 26/08/2011 11:46

Trust me, just let him get on with it, and let him pick up the wreckage.
It's a long hard lesson that he needs to learn.
If you bring LO don't give him a choice, leave him holding the baby.

You can't complain about 'Men' never doing/sorting anything if you always sort it out.

I've been with OH for over 17 years now and at the start he was grateful for me sorting things out, than he got in to the habit of expecting it, and then disrespecting it. It was the visit to his friends where he bitched about me not packing a jumper for him. I had asked him twice if he wanted me to pack it and he?d said no.

The next 3 trips we made I refused point blank to do anything for him, i.e.: pack, wash clothes, etc. It was painful, and stressful, and I really hard. But it made my point; that it is not my job to run around after him, he?s a grown up, if he asks for my help I will help and he will thank me in the same way he would thank anyone who helped him.