To be assertive or AIBU?

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

I have a situation with my (twunt of an) EX and I really want to grow some balls and assert myself using the techniques and advice that I've seen recently on quite a few threads. Mostly he wears me down and I just give in to his demands to avoid stress and confrontations.

Recently I have been saying NO!!! to him and it feels bloody great! However in this instance, whilst I am really desperate to say no to his most recent request /demand I actually am not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

EX lives quite far away from me, he comes to see DC every month. He has said he intends to move here and rent a flat/small house. He has asked me to "lend" him the money to rent somewhere and he will "pay me back" an agreed amount each monrj. He does not work at present, has shown no intention of going back to work anytime soon, he currently lives with his mum.

I don't want to "lend" him any money, I don't trust him to. pay me back, he has a history of helping himself to my money.

I think I might BU not to do it though as the DC really miss their dad, and it would of course be of benefit to them if he lived a lot closer. This is the argument EX has used - he knows what buttons to push with me.

Another reason is that I probably don't want to do it because I don't want him living near me - now I know that is unreasonable but I'm only human and I really bloody dislike him, and I struggle to cope with his bullying, selfishness, controlling manner, self-entitled attitude etc etc and its so much easier to deal with it when he is miles away.

The fact that you even need to ASK if you're being unreasonable shows that you're still not being rational about this and need to work further on your assertiveness!

Keep on saying no to him. And if you're wavering, talk to someone in RL who is generally a reasonable person, and listen to their advice - which, 99% of time, will probably be to say no.

NO! dont lend him any money

practioce saying NO, and be clear that its his concern and you cant afford it

YANBU.

He is playing on your good nature and taking the piss.

It is not your responsibility to work out where he lives. If he is not working how do you expect he will pay you back 6 months rent plus deposit?

Well, he won't will he, then you will feel even more pissed off as not only have you lost the money but you have him living nearer and interfering in your life.

PLease don't give in to him, he is using the fact that he knows you feel guilty about the DC's not seeing him as often as you would like to take advantage of you.

Plus, he sounds like a total knob, best kept at arms length and not lent any money!!

Don't give him a PENNY! You don't want him anywhere near you, don't get involved in his life or living arrangements. He's an adult and if he wants to be nearer his kids he can get a job, it's got NOTHING to do with you (bar you protecting your kids etc).

Thank you for all the replies :)

As you have all correctly surmised, ex is a complete fuckwit. The thing with his mum and the car is a bit of a bug bear for me, I did warn her he wouldn't give her any money. I told him he couldn't afford it, how detrimental it would be for his mum - he expected me to pay towards the car saying he NEEDED it for the DC.

He phoned me several times over last few weeks saying they had zero money, they were starving, his mum had lost another x amount of pounds (she is already underweight). He told me I had overspent on dd birthday (?!) otherwise I'd have had money to give him.

His mum had a bad fall last week, app couldnt visit her at hospital as no diesel in the car and no money to pay parking! Why don't you walk then? Ffs.

Madamdeathstar I am going to use that technique, everytime he makes a request?demand, I'm going to make a counter one and my money will be safe - I'm putting it away then giving all the stuff to my mum to keep for me, even I won't have access!

And I know now, without a shadow of a doubt that he is just doing this to get the money off me,

Don't do it! And CSA him, it'll come out of his benefits.

I've had the Ex say that morally I owe him money as, because I have sole care of DD, I get CTC and Child benefit! Some of these people are lower than worms. Worms are dots to them ,

Stay strong and Just Say No.

Sue does the CSA charge me for using them?

I've had that from him re CB and CTC, that when he has the dc I should give him money to pay for them (food, transport, outings etc) and at first I thought "oh he has a point, that money IS for the DC" and of course I don't want my DC going without. I then came to the conclusion that actually that money is based on my income as I have sole care. If he needs money to support the DC whilst he had them, then he needs to get a job! He doesn't have them away from here now though, I had to stop that for various reasons. So now I feed them here etc anyway.