To be assertive or AIBU?

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

I have a situation with my (twunt of an) EX and I really want to grow some balls and assert myself using the techniques and advice that I've seen recently on quite a few threads. Mostly he wears me down and I just give in to his demands to avoid stress and confrontations.

Recently I have been saying NO!!! to him and it feels bloody great! However in this instance, whilst I am really desperate to say no to his most recent request /demand I actually am not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

EX lives quite far away from me, he comes to see DC every month. He has said he intends to move here and rent a flat/small house. He has asked me to "lend" him the money to rent somewhere and he will "pay me back" an agreed amount each monrj. He does not work at present, has shown no intention of going back to work anytime soon, he currently lives with his mum.

I don't want to "lend" him any money, I don't trust him to. pay me back, he has a history of helping himself to my money.

I think I might BU not to do it though as the DC really miss their dad, and it would of course be of benefit to them if he lived a lot closer. This is the argument EX has used - he knows what buttons to push with me.

Another reason is that I probably don't want to do it because I don't want him living near me - now I know that is unreasonable but I'm only human and I really bloody dislike him, and I struggle to cope with his bullying, selfishness, controlling manner, self-entitled attitude etc etc and its so much easier to deal with it when he is miles away.

And no maintainance. He has actually given me money for the dc before ... and then borrowed more than the original amount back off me! Not now tho, if he gives me as much as 50p I spend it ASAP!

That money is there to keep a roof over your DC's heads; to keep food on the table. I'd be furious with him. He's unwilling to work to bring in money for a home so he can your DCs more, so he wants you to use your savings to do it instead? Does he even pay anything for his DCs?

'He says that he should have some because when we were together money was shared, in other words, I've had his money and now I 'owe' him. Erm, not how I remember it at all.'

'He actually wants me to pay 3-6 months rent plus deposit. He will then 'pay' me back from HB every month.'

Entitled doesn't even begin to cover it. You are no longer together. He has no claim on your money. Even if he was generous to a fault when you were together - and I'm struggling to believe that given what you've said about him. Does he think you somehow 'owe' him????

x-posts.

So he pays nothing (net) towards his children, lives with his parents, won't get a job and expects you to hand him ££££ ?

Can't imagine why he's an ex.

Ok cos I'm feeling empowered now, and I want to make Izzy laugh some more

m.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1251828-Really-loooonnnnngggg-story

Tis all true, although left bits and pieces out. He truly is a twunt of the highest order.

I am asuuming you weren't married or that you are already divorced?

Three words - Child Support Agency.

You might as well set them on to him now in readiness for when he gets a job or, at the very least, tell him that's what you're going to do if he keeps banging on about wanting a share of YOUR money.

'She had been paying his rent, got him a Blackberry and paid the monthly bill, paid for a £350 bed and other items for the property he was renting, bought clothes, bike, lots of other stuff for him, and handing out amounts of cash here and there and the worst thing IMO he even got her to pay for my DDs birthday present which was very expensive and he made such a big deal out of it! When we were getting back together, he bought me a netbook which I neither needed nor wanted, and she had paid for it. He got me a pair of £80 EasyTone trainers, I said I didn't want them as he told me he bought them off a shoplifter, and they were HER trainers! He sold the Blackberry but kept the contract sim, and told Lisa it was in for repair after he dropped it down the stairs'

And you seriously need persuading not to lend him money?

Puffin yes, he thinks I owe him. He wasn't tight with money, but I was the main (and consistent) earner. He had several periods of being unemployed - and not through redundancy either!

When I moved here (back to my home town) I used money from an insurance payout (car that I made all the payments for, the upkeep and insurance) but because it was in his name, he thinks I owe him this money back!

I've read it but I can assure you I'm not laughing.

If you ever feel yourself waver, read that post again or simply recall your final lines:

"My DDs birthday present is being replaced (by me) and I will be returning the item to Lisa. Ex will be livid but hey Ho!!"

He definitely will never change. He is too far gone#

You said it and you know that leopards never change their spots.

He wasn't tight with money, but I was the main (and consistent) earner.

He wasn't tight with your money, and he wasn't tight with poor Lisa's either.

And the stud muffin tried to set himself as an escort? Now I am laughing again!

No I don't think I need persuading now! Like I said in an earlier post, I was kind of worried that I was denying the dc the chance to be with their dad more often. I secretly thought it wasn't up to me to facilitate it BUT I was worried that I was BU to think that way. Obviously my dc happiness is worth more to me than any money.

Another poster (diff thread) said I was interfering and taking responsibility for his relationship with the dc. I truly get what she meant and took a step back, now I need to take lots of giant leaps back cos he wants me to take this responsibility so he doesn't need to do anything. Lazy fecker!

Izzy

I forgot about that. Cost me £250 for something dd doesn't use , I would never have bought her in a million years and is sitting in a drawer ffs

I really should apologise to you all for starting this thread. Must be most ridiculous question of the day!

However it HAS been most helpful for me so thank you all!

I think I'm actually looking forward to saying NO NO NO to him now.

Izzy its NOT FUNNY, not one bit, what he did to that poor girl. I meant laugh at the outrageousness of him.

Go, girl!!! And if you start to lose that precious feeling of empowerment, come back here for a top-up

BTW, you've got nothing to apologise for but the lying twunt should be on his knees apologising to you, lisa, his mum ... and goodness knows how many others he's ripped off along the way.

I know exactly what you mean - what he's done to you and to lisa and to his mum is despicable and there can be no excusing or justifying his behaviour.

But the thought of the lying twunt thinking he's god's gift and setting himself up as an escort and getting no takers absolutely cracks me up

Oh he does that regularly, the apologising I mean, but it means nothing so I don't listen anymore

Yes the escort thing had me in stitches!

Right time to sleep, night Izzy, night Mumsnet, love you xxx

'Night tiny, sweet dreams and a brave new weekend.. x

TinyWee, come back and talk to us whenever you need to - I remember your last thread, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at his latest stunt, but. Well. I think we're all happy to help you say NO whenever you need it.

And also: how does he know about the sum of money due to you? Because it's none of his business and if you can keep him a long way away from financial knowledge of that sort, you should.

Tortoise he knows about the money because I've been expecting it for a long time, from before we split. Otherwise I wouldn't have told him. I haven't told him about any other money I have (post split).

I try to avoid discussing money with him at all. He frequently asks to borrow money.

Yep, sorry, I should have said that I assumed that to be the case, just if it's not, etc.

Man's a twat.

The only thing you need to ask yourself when faced with emotional blackmail from an XP is "would I do to him." The answer is nearly always no.

I'm guessing OP that you probably sacrifice various things for the good of your DC. I'm assuming that you wouldn't let anything get in the way if this was you in his situation. If he really valued the DC that much he wouldn't even be asking, he would be doing. This is all about getting that money off you and I suspect that once he had it his plans to move nearer to them/you would vanish for some reason.