to be very confused about this Mum?

[ginmakesitallok]

Thread about my thread in chat - but not getting much response and I'm in the mood for a rant. original thread here.

In a nutshell -other mum writes to school yesterday accusing DD of bullying her daughter, I go into school and teacher tells me she has no concerns about DDs behaviour. Other Mum phones me last night to say I need to sort it out, it's been going on for a long time, her daughter doesn't like going to school etc etc. I explain I think its a 50/50 thing, but that my daughters behaviour had been unacceptable and I'd deal with it.

DD brings in a sorry card to school today. Mum then texts (and later phones) me to say that its wonderful that the girls were going in to school so happy today and would DD like to go to the cinema with them or go for a sleepover??

I was very restrained and texted back a "thanks but no-thanks" message when what I really wanted to text was "Are you taking the piss?? You write to school yesterday accusing DD of bullying, upset her, upset me and now you want her to come for a sleepover??? Over my dead body you daft cow!"

So - AIBU in not understanding where she's coming from?? Even if she'd said sorry, that she was wrong and that it was a 50/50 thing and would DD like to come over, I might have understood. But no - no apology, just a thanks for me dealing with it!!!

I am

For goodness sake just be friendly with the other mum.
Differences can be resolved s the kids have proved.
You have quite a few more years of bumping into each other, you may as welll make it painless.

Let the kids decide if a sleepover happens or not in the future.

I think 7 is rather young for sleep overs anyway - especially at a parents house where you don't know family very well.
Also if you have doubts about the mum's view of your child. Think you should avoid sleep over for some time but can arrange other things - in time - if your DD wants to AND if you think appropriate.

I think half the problems with friendships nowadays in school is that the term 'bully' is branded about at every oppotunity - even for minor tiffs as you call them!

I would guess the 2 girls have been getting each others backs up, ended in an argument. I think it's great the other mum is giving them an oppotunity to foster a friendship.

HOWEVER: op I agree with you that it seems very 1 sided. She puts all the blame on your DD, that would make me wary enough about sending my child. Will the whole visit be spent with your DD being blamed for all tiffs?, will she take it as an oppotunity to have a word with your DD? TBH it sounds more like this other girl wants to be your DD's friend and they haven't hit it off and thats why she hasn't wanted to go to school/ been upset. Not because of whats happening but more like whats not.

I would say if you want to get to the bottom of it you need to know the 'context' of the 'bullying'. So if/ when the other mum approaches you again you can say 'oh yes, my DD told me about that. She was most upset when your DD was doing this to her and got upset with herself for retaliating, I've told her I think it's best they stay away from each other'.

youarekidding - that was DPs original response - to tell DD just to stay away from the other girl. But I don't think that's fair - I think that they should be friends. DD has been close to her BF for a couple of years now and the other girl is at their table. Groups of 3 girls don't work very well, especially when 2 are close. A new girl has just started as school and joined their table, so maybe that will help the dynamics a bit.

But there's 'friends' and 'friends'. I think being on the same table, chatting maybe the odd playground game is fine. That's friendship in the context of school. I'm not sure I agree they 'should' be friends that way but certainly agree there's no reason they shouldn't. Then there's friendship that extends beyond the school gates - the sort where they have visits to each others, sleepovers etc. I wouldn't want to encourage that sort of friendship with a child that accuses mine of being a bully - far to easy to do it again.

My son was getting picked on, my first step was to go to school, because that's where the teasing was taking place. My son and the other boy are nice kids. The situation didn't resolve itself straight away, and I did go and see the parent, and I did start off with the whole 50/50 'kids being kids' discussion but when it became obvious that her son obviously hadn't been coming home in tears, hadn't suddenly developed an issue about changing for PE or begging for REALLY short hair because he'd been called a girl/fatty/useless it became apparant that it wasn't 50/50 at all.

Get as defensive as you like, its natural. But grow up. This other parent is making the effort for peace between your kids, you should do the same.

I had to tell my friend to sort her (well behaved, charming, polite, hard working) son out, because he was developing a habit of being a bully, its not easy to do and not easy to hear.

The situation was resolved. Everyone is friends again, including myself and other parent, because we didn't allow our natural (over) reaction and (over) defence mechanisms take over. The teachers had no issues with general behaviour either, and both our kids and lovely.... but lovely kids can also be little shits at times.

YABU

Aldi - sorry to hear about what your son went through - and if I thought for one minute that my DD was teasing the other girl believe me I would deal with it.

The reason I'm being so defensive is that she doesn't think it's 50/50 - she thinks it is all down to my daughter. There are plenty of instances I could throw back at her about her daughters behaviour (behaviour I have witnessed and not just heard about) - but I won't, because I don't think it will help matters and I want it to blow over.

I've been very grown up about it I think - I've been very reasonable and polite when speaking to the other Mum, and only had a rant on here (and to DP!)

I understand that, if I ranted in RL as I do on the tinternet my life would be one long battle.

Now the teachers are aware, keep asking for any new information, if left unmonitored it could be that it becomes a habit... I had to talk with ds about his reactions to teasing, the triggers, his responses. Kids are odd, they're now bestest buddies (LIKE EVER lol) but its me who's less keen!